Been here for long

But this is not where I belong.

Like a winter leaf blown,

I stand alone.

Hoping the wind will blow me away

Hoping I never see the next day

I stand on the peak

Watch the blue mountains turn brown

And I stand alone

Cry over my lost sight

Of no use, this blinding light,

Open doors, closed roads

Caught in a maze I spun,

Confused, I stand alone

He said he will there

I turn around; only to watch him go

Now all is bitter or sour

My sweet senses long gone

Quietly, I stand alone

No one cares

But all question

All ears but none listen

Dreams I fulfill, but none my own

Smiling, I stand alone

I stand alone,

But can’t fly to my sky

And I wonder why…

You watched me soar

And then shot down

So here I again, I stand alone….

-- Brinda

Even his eyes could lie,

I hung my head in shame,

While he recited the perfect alibi.

What he calls truth, my every reason denies,

And deeper I sink in a quicksand of lies,

I was still holding on, when he let go,

I don’t want to know, I don’t want to know

Not knowing what to do with the feelings untold,

I made the same mistake, made by most

Bottled them up and threw them at the waves,

But the waves always bring things back to the coast….

But if I were Aishwarya Rai, and if came to know there was a hate community for me, bless me….i would very happie!! :D

Getting hate mails/calls might be the first sign towards popularity!! :D when people hate you enough to send out signals and notify you,…..BOY!!! U R FAMOUS!!

A classic example would be Elliot Abrams response to the threats he received because of his anti-Vietnam War speeches ….. “I thought, I’d really arrived”.  Threats and hate innuendos often mean that somebody is intimidated by your popularity.

A more common instance would be investigators getting threats when on the right track in a case!!!

So, hate mails, calls n communities mean you are shooting to the top of the rating charts!!! People love you so much that there is a group that hates you for being so loved!!! Sadly…I haven’t got any hate mail so far L

Even I wear on my right wrist…a yellow string….for good health. I do not believe in it. But my parents do. And I wear it because I respect the faith my parents have.

I believe in god. But do not believe in religion and the all the fuss involved. In this age, I think God and divinity have been overrated than ever. A new religious leader, a new preacher is born every other day. But none seem to posses the charm, wit or wisdom a leader must have. And the day’s mundane lifestyle has it that a lot of people are moving around in search of some peace and calm, and they resort to these so called preachers. Lucky for them…..the self proclaimed gyaanis become Gods overnight.

Are people making a mistake in being too religious? I would have 2 minutes of peace in front of a deity at home….rather than getting crushed in the insane crowd of a temple, [and you barely get to see a glimpse of the deity after all the sweat and shit you suffer through] because the deity out there is supposed to be granting everybody’s will. Come of it…..how can educated people believe that everybody’s wish can come true???? How will it be possible even for the most powerful entity in this universe to satiate all the endless demands of the human souls????? [Am reminded of the scene in “Bruce Almighty”, when Jim Carry just grants everybody’s wish to come true….and there is chaos everywhere.]I think the only person who can understand my point is the Lord himself. I don’t find the people around even worthy of a discussion on this topic.

Faith….is what keeps us going. It is really important for everybody to have faith in something…that may be God…religion….oneself…friends….people….anything! And of all these, faith towards religion and God is definitely the most popular one. And it really irks me when people start judging you based on who you have faith on. Anybody who believes in oneself is considered too heavy headed. And sometimes, ones display of faith [on God] becomes a metric for judging their character. It is funny, but I have seen parents nodding in approval, and smiling when they hear of a guy or girl who goes to temples and does all kinds of rituals at home, but is completely weak minded, indecisive and always dependent on elders for the smallest of things. All other short comings are immediately forgotten. It doesn’t matter how dumb or totally irritating that person is, but the acts of religious fervor compensate for it all. I call this syndrome as “Public Display of Faith”. Is it necessary to carry your faith on your wrist? Neck? or forehead? Isn’t it enough if you carry your faith in your heart?

Now….what happens when ones rationale gets better off the faith parameter? One just starts respecting the faith others have. If elderly believe that tying a string, or a pendant or wearing a ring would keep us from harm, youngsters often accept such things to keep the good faith of the elders alive. It’s a mark of respect and not of belief or submission.

I believe god and religion are just pillars in your life…..you can lean over on them when in trouble. But they are not the engine itself. They will not solve an issue for you. You have to take the initiative, and the decisions. Talking about decisions…. I have known people who let God decide on the course of action by picking flowers and other crazy ways. Now….tell me the truth….. Why is one afraid of taking decisions in their own life? Because you would be help responsible for it later? Because you will be questioned if the decision turned out to be wrong? So is God a scapegoat for all the mistakes one makes???? Very funny!!! Whatever you do is an act of your own accord. And whatever you get is the result of what you did.

It’s really unfair to give so much importance to religion that you forget to have fun and be happy in your life. You can get closer to God and inner peace by being polite and friendly. How many people spend quality time with family? Get off the petty fights and start getting to know the people around you. That is what will help you get the peace you are searching for. Play a game, get out for a dinner, and talk about life, politics or sports. Get to know each other, instead of sitting in the courtyard of a temple. No problem can be solved by sitting in front of an idol and meditating and reciting hymns. Issues are resolved by opening up, by being friends, respecting other’s opinions and being accommodative to new ideas. And then, one should visit the temple and thank God for giving a happy life. I hate it people who complain about their life to God. I mean….why do you always have to keep asking for more??? If I were God…I would shut my ears to all those frequent visitors who just keep asking for one thing after another [ well…am sure God does that….otherwise why would all those people keep lining up again and again??]

And another thing that irritates me is astrology and the blind faith people have in it. I do not understand; my parents always kept me away from palm readers and all these astrologers all my life. I always grew up thinking they are not to be believed and that my parents also did not believe in them. But now, suddenly I see that astrology is the most important thing that is going to decide who my life partner would be. Ridiculous!! I believe all the arranged marriages in this country are governed by the rule of planets. They all must have been decided based on the matching of horoscopes. Then why do so many couples land up in court for divorces? Didn’t the pandits foresee the divorce??? Beats me!!  If ones fate and future could be decided based on charts and planets, then why should one work hard and aim to succeed in life? Assume it was in my fate to travel abroad and be rich; then, I would rather sit at home and wait for a prince charming to come and marry me. Rather than working my ass through all the many years….struggling at school and college, and then fighting it out at my work place. I mean…isn’t that silly???? And if it had in my fate that I would never ever make it to any good in my life….I would still happily sit at home and be a dumb house hold girl, watching TV whole day and doing chores; rather than having to work my way up to a place where I am not destined to reach. What is destiny? Of what fairness is your lord if he did not offer you a chance to make your own destiny? In truth, God is full of fairness and justice. It’s the human intervention that is unjust and ridiculously unfair.

So where does your faith lie?!

It’s true that you need some support when things are unsettling. But does it have to be so deep that you start defying rationale? I really hope, wish and PRAY that people start looking beyond blind faith, into each other’s hearts…..am keeping faith!!

On a lighter note……u could grow your as long as you want it to be….for one deity. And then, when it’s not in fashion any longer to have long hair, get tonsured for another deity. All that cannot be done on the name of fashion, can be done on the name of God :D

I just wish body piercing and hair coloring becomes the ritual of some deity, and then maybe I can do all that without being picked upon. :D

asleep are dreams waiting to be seen…

My sleepless eyelids and wandering mind…

take me there earlier, than I should have been.

If u happen to see my charred dreams, whose shoulders will u hold?

Whose shoulders will u hold? If truth be told?      

Out in sun…you roll n play…

Unaware of a clock ticking away….

I stand there and watch….with lips so straight…..I got no curve…no smile, no frown…

And I will watch helpless….as all things drown…

As the giant drops of tears…..come down your world….

Your world will come down....If truth be told….

God I am….but even I know no truth… 

I got no hugs….or no words to soothe.

My words will stab your back…and touch will burn…

From your blissful sleep….to truth u will return.

And ask for the strength, to see the secrets unfold

Ask for the strength….If truth be told

With no choice but to go on….u have closed all doors behind…

U undid the chains at your feet…but forgot to free your mind..

No verses will help u…not any psalm…

as you fall into an endless chasm…

Your eyes will be red and your feet will go cold…

Your feet will go cold…if truth be told…

Today you raise your hands and kneel to pray,

But you haven’t left anything for me to set right.

My brimming eyes blind my sight…

I also sit beside u…and wait for the truth to unfold…

And wait for the truth to unfold…

                                                                  -- Brinda

This poem is symbolic of what we have done to the environment and what awaits our future generations because of the mistakes we are making today.

And I wonder at the variety of topics on which people have written.

I can write about something only if the topic am writing about, is close to me. Like something that either happened to me…or to ppl around me…or some incident that I read or heard about….that really shook me.

Other wise…its not finding the way to my pen at all.

I have seen loads of blogs on very profound and philosophical topics, like…finding the meaning of life….or the purpose of existence…..and very very ultra techie stuff like….nano-ortho cryptology…or sumthin.

But I write about very very mundane and everyday stuff…like hairfall n weddings n pets!! Am just trying to see why I don write such profound stuff?! And I also wonder if the writers of such stuff…actually feel it when they are writing about it? Or so they write to show off their diction..knowledge…or just to show that they are deep thinkers?! I kno not….

Generally wedding season is the busiest season in the family!!! Anybody would understand what an Indian wedding is like if they were to see “Hum Aapke Hain Kaun” or “Monsoon wedding” [the latter being the better choice if u want to see d chaos involved!!]
All the discussions…abt the color…the texture n the material of the clothes to be worn on the important rituals...the mandap...decoration...stay..transportation....guest list ..food..menu...the sun...the moon...the stars….wat not?!

The best part I like abt marriages is the choosing act....esp for the bride...the maximum amount of thought goes into this ( except, if of kors, if the bride has a younger sister of very less age gap, then the aunties go equally gaga over her attire!!) 
Its was during my cousin’s wedding that I actually came to know of all so many types of silk that exists on the planet. It will take a couple of more weddings till I really register those into my mind. [Hope I manage to do tht b4 it my turn on the guillotine] and then comes matching jewels...they hav to luk gud n prove to be an investment at the same time. [thts a real challenge..trust me!!]
More than the clothes n jewels n decoration, it's the getting together of the family that attracts me most towards the wedding preps!
All ladies sitting in circle, after a whole day of tiresome shopping, and displaying the purchases…the kinky jokes exchanged…recital of old time stories… the gents making coffee for the ladies in the evening, cos they are tired after all d shopping....and the best of all…the bride blushing as the entire lot picks on her mercilessly!! [She’s dead meat if the guy calls her up when the rest of the family is around.]
There are other things that make the wedding season special. Its considered legal to crack “those”jokes , playing cards till late in the nite is everyday affair [which wouldn’t happen on a normal day]

I missed my close friend’s wedding a month back, and am gonna miss my best friends wedding in a coupla months time. We have been friends for more than 13 years now. But we are sitting oceans apart L  and I feel like I am missing out on the best thing on earth. There are a few occasions that can stand on par with ur best frnds wedding!! I can’t help but feel miserable on having to miss out all the fun.
If I had been there….I would have been cursing my friends for taking me out on hours n hours of shopping on sunny days....n the waits n long queues in the shops...the odd hour phone calls...cos she is suddenly tensed n needs to be consoled...darn…I ll miss all that.  But life has it that way!!
Now I type emails and ask them abt the preps...but they r too busy to reply …understandable!!
But what prompted me to write this is the fact that I am realizing how easy it is to get lost in the fast stream of life...how easy is it to move away from things which we thought we would never lose touch with. When we were in college, we used to tease each other and discuss what we would do during each other’s marriage...without the slightest doubts whether we would make it to the occasion or not. It was like....."duhhh....C'mon....its OBVIOUS....ofkors v ll b thr.....how can u get married without us around??" It’s really baffling that but life brings lots of questions and doubts along with time. We all made have at some point in time made promises…to others...to ourselves...thinking time will help us fulfill those. Though we may not be able to fulfill out dreams the exact way we imagined them to be, we do find ways to keep those flames alive….dont we?! I am suddenly beginning to feel the uncertainties of life. It’s as though a huge snowball of truth has come down stumbling and pass through me….without hurting me a bit! I say it did not hurt me…cos I have understood and accepted it. In fact it’s as though, somewhere deep down I was anticipating it. But the superficial me, still believed all things were simple and straight forward…..as though the bits of the puzzle would fall in place on their own.

But probably this was how things were meant to be. As far as my best friend’s wedding is concerned, I may watch it on a CD….or live from her wedding hall…..over a webcam or wateva!!!

So….thts it….isnt it?! We do find a way to keep our promises….to ourselves!!

In the past 1.5 years of my life as a test engineer, I have returned home before 7 pm only 19 times!! Yes. I have actually counted the number of working days I have been home earlier than 7 PM.  [Of those 19 days, 12 days I was early in office so that I could catch the 8.30 PM  Kaveri Exprs!!] And believe me....only one another person in my team has better track record than mine. Most of the team has NEVER EVER been home on time. 

I loved staying back in office and working late night at offshore. It wasnt a habit...it was not that I was doing it out of fun or for fun. But it was fun!! :)  Or I should say...we made those staying back sessions fun, so that we would do work instead of cribbing. We would try hard not to make it a culture, but it ended up being so. Playing games...blaring music....hitting each other with DINKU [ our stress releiver ball] or at times hitting each other with things harder and heavier than DINKU!!  Staying late night in offshore was fun mostly because of the "bhaad mein jaaye"  attitude we carried towards it. We weren't working for the clients....the project or onsite...but we worked ourselves...for the team....for the pleasure of being n working together!!Wats better for a bunch of bachelors away from family in a small city??!! Nite life is definetly more happening and enjoyable in office than outside!! :D

Be it sleeping in the 2nd floor couch...or watching movies in the big screens of conf rooms...partying with junk food.....cursing onsite n clients..... n yesss....testing ofkors!! :D all of it was done with great ferver n joy!!

Tonight also am in office....but am not playing helmet ball with dinku....or eating junk food...or listening to loud music.....am writing this blog :( it wud hav never ever occurred to me to write a blog if I was at offshr....i wud hav been laughing n joking and working. But here....its not like tht. The air is tense....people do not chatter much....its almost considered a sin to laugh around and guffaw and make noise...cause you are sitting with clients <darn!!>Laughing and chatting n wearing a casual attitude is considered unprofessional. I wonder if you could get away with doing crappy work if you were to put on an aggressive mood and keep yourself at an unapproachable ...so called 'professional' height!! So what if u made a few silly cracks and shared a 'pat the back' relationship with the other teams? Will that mean one would compromise on their professionlism?! Do they think such an act would go unnoticed if people ever did tht??

well...i wonder what people would say if I started dating a guy from my dev team!! Weelll....thts a nice idea!! When I get really tired n sick n frustrated of this whole mess...i will start dating a guy from the dev team and they will have to release me from the project cos i am 'personally involved 'with a dev team member!! Maybe...the guy will get released. In any case, its a better thing to happen to either of us!! isnt it?!! :D

Nooww...i donno if staying back late does any good to the project or not....but its sure filling my brains with evil ideas about dating the dev team guys and all possible means to get released from this project!! :D

 To staying back late in office!! Prost!! :D

The Horseshoe Falls are best viewed from the Canadian side. There is a bridge on river Niagara that connects US and Canada, it’s called the rainbow bridge and it can be crossed by foot. We reached the falls at around 11 in the morning. Akhila (my teammate) and I crossed the rainbow bridge to go to the Canadian side. One of my old school friends is in CA now, and I met him there. We went on 2 rides from the CA side, maid of the mist and the tunnel behind the falls. Maid of the mist is a boat ride to the falls. It foes pretty close to the falls but not very up-lose. The ride was very disappointing actually. We did not get even slightly drenched.

The second ride was to a tunnel dug right behind the falls….. it was gud. The guys had already been the ride, so it was only akhila n me who went to see this one. It’s a tunnel and u get to see the water flowing like a white sheet in front of ur eyes!! A wonderful sight if there is less wind. If the wind is high, then u wud see nothing but mist.

And then we came back to the US side to go to a ride called ‘The cave of the winds’. They have built a wooden platform in the bottom of the American falls. Like the podiums and platforms we have for most of the waterfalls. So u can stand on the platform and get drenched in the Niagara Falls!! It was the best ride and it made my trip to the falls. Its alwys fun to get drenched…..but getting pelted by small water droplets that fall from such a height…..jus auuusum!!!

After that we went to this place called d Niagara fort. It was closed by the time we reached there, so just saw the place from outside. Then we went to the banks of Lake Ontario, from where u can see the Toronto skyline in the horizon. The lake looked like an ocean!!

And then we trekked down a trail called the ‘Devils Hole’. The trail ended right at the banks of river Niagara. The trek was great…..but we returned with torn lungs…cos the climb up was pretty steep n tiring!!!

After all tht walking n trekking…..we went to this place called the "Anchor bar". This is the place where the legendary ‘Buffalo wings’ or ‘Chicken Wings’ originated. They have the 3 basic varieties that were invented initially and they are served in terms of ‘buckets’!!! yes!!! U order them in quantities of buckets!!! With changing times, now they have a concept of serving 10 pieces n all….but 10 is the minimum and one bucket contains 50 pieces!! They also seve a special kinda home made beer called "McShorley". It doesn’t stink or taste bitter like the normal beer. Its nice…..the best beer I have ever had!! :D :D

After a heavy dinner n drink…..we guys slept and left to NYC the next day!!

NYC…..dream city to most people around the globe. I loved the place. Fell in love with it……mostly bcos of the resemblance it has with any big city in India. Its dirty, crammed…..filled with people….pedestrians rule the roads and its full of life…..so much in contrast with LA!!

LA is full of cars….hardly can u spot a human on the road. Its pretty…neat…big….n clean. NY is nothing like LA. Probably the only place in LA where u can see many people is Hollywood lane. And NY is like Hollywood everywhere.

The first place we saw in NY was ‘Ground Zero’!! We were there on the 10^th of sep. there were lots of displays and protests going on there. Conspiracy theorists were holding banners and making quite a lotta noise around.

Seeing the footages on TV and having read so much about it...made the ‘seeing’ a great experience. Standing on that mass grave of thousands of people and peeping at the rumbles, all that I could think was ‘who on earth could do that’? There were lots of people weeping and staring at the ruins in silence. There is no way we are ever going to understand the mental state of those people who lost their precious ones to such an unacceptable death bed.  

We left the place and headed towards Wall Street next. NYSE and the Charging Bull. After a heavy Chinese lunch and rest in our hotel room, I went to see an art exhibition at the Lincoln Art Center. Ahh!! Our hotel was one sidey place…..around a black residential complex….kids were monopoly with real money right on the doorstep of our hotel….quite a sight it was!!

The art exhibition was good!! But the thing I liked abt the city it self was….i saw lots of ppl doin all kinds of creative stuff…right there on the streets…..not only in a art exhibition necessarily. Be it graffiti…or writings on the roads…paintings on walls…all kinds of things.

After that we went to empire state building and time square. Time square was too gud. We had chicken hotdog in a road side shop.  And don’t be surprised if u see ‘potti kadais’ in NYC…they are very common. And there are proper ‘burma bazaars’ or ‘china bazaars’ too. Where u can see all desis n chinkis selling things for dirt cheap.

We traveled all through the city like a New Yorker…..by the Subway. It’s an ammazzzing system. They got maps in all the stations, and you can see which train goes from one station to another, easily find which platform to wait for the train [it’s easy even for a person like me ;)].

We spent the evening in Time Square and went to see the Statue of Liberty the next day. Then it was WTC again!! After all u can’t miss being at Ground Zero on 9/11!! So there we stood in from of the WTC station path again. Watching more protests, more demonstrations against the Bush administration.

We ended the NYC trip with a quiet walk in the Central Park and headed towards home in the evening on 11^th.

We missed the morning memorial on 11^th…cos we were fast asleep….n missed d laser lighting in the WTC grounds in the night cos we were on our way back home!!

Birds skipping on d sea!!

Taken on the ride to Catalina Islands from Long Beach. I donno wat these birds are called....but wish i cud also hop along on water like tht....

Look at this lone flyer...... kaash...