My sweet, sweet, sweet baby passed away yesterday. What a way to end a crummy week and weekend. Nicholas was 13 years old and very sick and weak. He was my first pet as an independent person. I miss him so much but I know he is in a place where his tummy is always full and there are either lots of old, slow chipmunks to chase, or he is so fast he can outrun them. He has always been the alpha cat, the one who shared my pillow. Go into the light, Nicholas! I love you!!

Tracking back a few days.... I was in the hospital for a week so that is why no one had heard a thing from me. I had terrible rib pain that was interfering with my ability to breathe. The first thing they did at the hospital was to up mt oral pain meds, which only made me groggy and twitchy. Eventually I was given a nerve block (injection of narcotic and steroid into the rib area via needle) which gave me almost immediate relief. I also talked with palliative care while I was in the hospital and they scared the crap out of me. Everyone had told me that they wouldn't talk about my death, they would just discuss pain management with me. Well, y'all were wrong. I spent a lot of time shaking and crying while I was there. Needless to say, I'm glad I'm out. The future holds weekly visits to the pain clinic for injections until my rib heals, and hopefully a home health nurse and an aide to help me with my daily living tasks so I won't be so tired. We'll see if any of it comes to fruition! I will keep you posted.

And all the other F words that go with it.

Hi. I just got of the phone with my long term disability company, who reduces their payment based on my Social Security benefits. OK, fair enough..... but my SS payment for March wasn't even paid to me until April. My long term disability payment wants me to give them back pay for March even though I didn't receive any payments from SS in March. They think that it was acceptable for me to live on $453.00 for the month of March, 2009. Unbelieveable. Yes, I called them, and yes they agreed that it sucked (gee, thanks, but I'M the one having to live this life, here), but that is their policy.

I'm beginning to have a LOT of dizzy spells, especially after I've been up & around for 3 hours or more. I mean total world closing in, things becoming dark and far away, ready to fall on the floor. I have to at least be sitting for this feeling to go away.

I've also had a ton of breakthrough pain recently. It usually comes after what I consider as having a good, productive day. I think I may be over-doing it without realizing it. I hate that. I hate that my body is so sick that I can't work any more.