Since childhood I’ve known I’ve been put on this planet to make other people happy. Many years ago, I realized life is not about me, it’s about everyone else (sometimes only a particular person). I’ve even known for at least 15 years, that I’m very selfish. However, it has only recently come to my attention, that the true reason I’m living this life is to learn a lesson. That lesson; not to be selfish.

I am now enlightened. I obviously was a very selfish person in a previous life and my karma or whatever is coming back to haunt me. I am in this life, have learned the things I know about why I’m here, for one reason, to stop being selfish.

So if this was one of my stories, I’d immediately see the error of my ways go to the nearest homeless shelter and give my time. I’d lose so much weight because I wouldn’t be eating selfishly anymore (i.e. all my favorite foods and eat them before anyone else could). I’d no longer ask others for their love, but give mine freely. I’d do everything my loved ones asked of me without questioning how I might get something out of it. I wouldn’t become jealous or paranoid. I wouldn’t think about how other’s don’t seem to pay attention to me, when they really are. I wouldn’t ruin all my relationships. I’d get married and have kids. And I’d make some kind of true difference in the world. Then die and come back in my next life to fix some of my other problems like not be so lazy.

Scrooge (A Christmas Carol) did it, he was enlightened over night and changed his life and many others’ in a heart beat. Winston (1984) did it, he realized he hated big brother and attempted to rebel. Even the Man from Mars (Stranger in a Strange Land) once enlightened took the ultimate action and became a martyr. There’s too many literary examples, these are just a few that stick out in my mind. I was going to say they had an impact on me, however if they really did, I don’t think I’d be writing this.

The problem is, life is not a literary work. People don’t change over night. Just because one is enlightened doesn’t mean one is ready to act. Enlightenment and action are two very different parts of the brain and the soul. And sometimes they’re not very connected.

Life is messy. Life doesn’t always work the way we wish it. And in my case, life makes me selfish. I was born and raised in an environment that not only spoiled me but encouraged me to be selfish. Heck, there’s times people have even rewarded me for it.

However, I see that I hurt others with my selfishness. Heck, I know every time I’m a bit selfish something happens that hurts me and others around me. So you would think it’d be easy. Stop being selfish and people stop getting hurt. It’s that simple. Or one would think.

I may be enlightened, but I’m not going to do anything that I mentioned above, because frankly, I’m selfish. I don’t want to change my routine. I don’t want to change my life. I like me how I am. I like people paying attention to me. I like being rewarded. I like being me. I like my independence, I like spending my time on things I enjoy, not volunteering or doing good. Basically, I’m too selfish to change my selfishness. Too selfish for my own good.

So what does this mean? What does it mean to my soul, to my karma? Maybe I’m going to hell? Maybe I’ll have to try again in my next life? Maybe nothing. Maybe I just need more time?

So now that I’m enlightened what next? Is there some way I can zap my mind to get rid of these selfish feelings? (now isn’t that just a selfish thought? Put the responsibility onto others, let them make me unselfish, don’t selflessly get rid of my own selfishness.)

How does one break a solid circle?

Why isn’t realization enough? Why can’t I change my life or who I am? Why must I continue to have a self destructive attitude when I know it’s bad?

What’s worse, is I know there are no answers. This is an individual problem that only I can solve.

However, maybe you can answer something for me; Is it just me? In your experience is enlightenment enough to cause action? Or is there something else I’m missing?

I used to be an idealist. I used to think that people could get along if they just learned to tolerate others. To accept their differences and learn from others. If we could just remain like children all our lives, in blissful ignorance, we could have peace.

I was wrong.

Humans strive on conflict. This is nothing new. How many wars have you lived through? It’s a fact that every day at least one place in the world there is a war going on. It’s not just limited to war. Countries are simply more visibly fighting against each other. Individual humans need conflict to survive as well.

As a writer I know that in story telling one must have an antagonist for the story to have any interest at all. This antagonist might be another human. It could be a thing such as a wall, or just a concept. It’s not the thing that intrigues us but the conflict between the protagonist and antagonist. Nor is it limited to storytelling.

Real life, every day, people need conflict. Employees generally dislike their bosses for being strict. Women become jealous of their man looking at another woman, etc. If there is none we artificially create a conflict out of the smallest things. Siblings fight over a ball, happily married couples argue over whose turn it is to do the dishes.

Why? Why do we need to feel our blood rushing through our veins in the heat of an argument? Why can’t we all just get along? No one likes to fight and yet we do.

Anger is part of the fight or flight response mechanism. It’s part of our breeding. In the ancient days if we just had a flight mechanism yes the world would be more peaceful but we’d probably be dead before long as you can only run so far so fast. Sabertooth tigers would rule the world now. So we must stand and fight at times. Kill or be killed. Sabertooths are extinct and we carry guns. Now that all our predators are gone we turn those guns on each other. If we don’t turn the guns on each other we find other ways to fight or flight.

If someone lies to avoid dire consequences or conflict (flight), the other becomes upset at the lie (fight). We can’t avoid it, if we come to a peaceful conclusion to one conflict there will be another waiting in the wings.

Perhaps if we could find another way to fill our lives with excitement we could skip the war thing. Then again that’s probably just my idealism talking again. That could be why the newest generation has turned to “extreme games,” and “extreme drugs” or go to other extremes to gain attention. Which, of course, is no answer. Many more people retract themselves from the real world. Most live in fantasy worlds where they still have many conflicts but they’re with imaginary people so they don’t really hurt anyone. This too is no answer.

It is the fight or flight equations again. If we avoid true conflicts we disintegrate into something less than human. So perhaps we need war and conflict after all, just to prove our existence.

I consider myself a realist (vs optimist or pessimist) and this may or may not have anything to do with that.  How far does entertainment have to go?  To me Entertainment is just that, something fun.  Normally, to me, fun is not the real world.  Therefore the closer entertainment gets to the real world the less fun it is for me.

The recent trend of "reality" shows is somewhat annoying to me.  Firstly for the reason mentioned above, I watch tv to escape reality, and second because even these shows know that they must add elements of fiction to make things more interesting.  (Do you really believe every person on all of those reality shows are not actors?)

It doesn't just stop there.  I've recently seen a "photor ealistic" picture.  A fully computer generated human being that is nearly indistinguishable from a picture of a real woman, right down to the freckles.  While it's cool that we have technology to do this, is it necessary?

Artists long ago learned how to draw humans almost to picture perfect standards but even the best of the best knew when to change proportions to make the painting more beautiful than it would be had it just been a picture of a person.  Case in point the Mona Lisa.  Anyone who knows the history of that painting can tell you Leonardo purposely added things that made it a bit off.  

While current day students struggle in life art classes to draw every muscle perfectly Michealangelo exaggerated muscles on women.

I'm not saying that it's not art to be photo realistic, I just think it's lacking something. Yes even photos can be artistic but you can tell the difference between an artistic photo and one any ol' Joe takes.  There are lighting issues among other things.  To me photo realistic art is not trying to reproduce the feeling in artistic photos.  Mostly they feel cold and seem to lack one quality normal art possesses.  That quality is the bit of soul an artist puts into his/her work.  The little piece of themselves that separate them from the rest of the world, and thus making their piece just a little ultra-realistic.

Art is certainly in the eye of the beholder.  Like many other styles this too will pass and be replaced by another that some will criticize for being too fantastic and wish for the old days of realism.  For now I'll stick with the those old guys who created the Renaissance.

So why do people prefer realism now?  Specifically referring to reality TV, sometimes I think it's so people can see that other's have it worse then they, or in some cases give them hope that they too can make a million dollars in a half hour.  The reason for reality in other mediums elude me.  Is it just a technical wonder, or is there some comfort in seeing something that looks exactly like you and your life?  Please enlighten me.

capitalism Dec. 23

Or why I'll work for free.

Many people, myself included, have worked more than the normal 40 hour work week while being paid salary.  I'm not including those poor souls who have to work two or more jobs just to make ends meet.  Though I'll get back to them in a minute.

Some of the saner people only do so occasionally "to get the job done."  Others in the corporate world however do it to make an impression and get ahead.


Why do people work overtime to eventually (not in the near future) make more money so that they have to work more and not have time to enjoy that money?

Is it pure greed?  Is it the need for some kind of security the money should provide?  Both of these seem to lead into a never ending cycle of paranoia and loss of the things that really matter.  More money may equal a better home and car, but you have to work hard to maintain that and thus you can not have the time to enjoy it.

when one can't be successful and make profit they do the only other thing they can do to make money, sue, sue, sue.  Okay even people who are profitable do this too.  "lets sue one of these big corporations because they have a lot of money and should share it with us."  Yeah, that'll work.

It even goes beyond money.  To get a new job one must now "market" themselves to potential employers making "commercials" to answer the tell me about yourself question and place "ads" in their resume.  When I follow these standards I feel I'm doing no more than selling myself and it makes me feel dirtier than standing on a street corner looking for Johns without the fringe benefits.

On the opposite end are the people who work far too much and too hard and are barely scrapping a living.  This is what I never understood about our society the people doing real work, hard labor, etc, get paid squat.  While people who have "skills" but do hardly anything at all other than think and pound on a keyboard get paid thousands more than they should.  This in turn drives the cost of living up which makes it harder for the "working class" to earn a living forcing them to get two jobs or more just to keep their heads above the water.  

Yes some may argue that they should earn a degree and then they can make more money.  1. How?  When do these people working two jobs have the time to take classes.  Some of them surprise me and manage to do it, but it's just an impossibility for some.  Besides what money do they have to do this with if they're just barely able to scrape by? 2. We need them.  Bottom line, there will always be a working class to support everyone else.  Even with all the technology in the world we'll still need someone to clean up after us or serve us our fries.  At least in the next 100 years or so. 3. You can only have so many people with "skills" before the market is saturated and it becomes cheap labor.  Just look at India.  4. Why would they want to?  There's enough government support for them to keep living that way and more so, their life is probably pretty good if they could just get past the fact that they don't have a beach house and a limousine.

Like so many things I think the middle ground is the best.  Having a work ethic is good but having a healthy personal life is just as important.  Is it more so?  Maybe.  Yet the people around me don't seem to think so.  They work and work and try to get ahead in the world, most of the time not caring if they hurt someone along the way just so they make more money than everyone else.  After all, that's how you become successful, right?  Why must one make something then turn around a few months later with an "improved" version just to try and make people spend their money twice?  Why can't we just be happy with what we have?

I've spent quite a long time in my life trying to make more money to have a stable life.  But I don't have a life.  I drive a long distance which in a way I consider work that I'm not getting paid for.  It takes away from time in which I can do things.  Oh my life hasn't been bad over this time.  People think I'm successful because I have a house and car.  Yet I don't feel successful.  Only thing is, I'm opposite of the majority of this crazy world.  I don't want more money, I want a life, and I know money can't buy me that.

Is life really better if one didn't have to work beyond the requirement for money they don't need?  Guess I'll find out.


Author's note: I meant to post this on the day I got laid off but I got caught up in Christmas, so I've back dated it.