I take promises two different ways. The first is my own promise, and the second is someone else's promise.

When I make a promise, I do not make them lightly. If I actually say the words it becomes an unbreakable bond on my part. If I do break a promise, I could just about kill myself I feel that horrible. I have broken about two promises in my life. One unfortunately was because of faulty memory and the other was beyond my control.

There are many times I say I’ll do something and most people take this as a promise, to me it is not a promise. Yes, I will usually still do whatever I say I will do, because that is my nature as an honest person. However, if I don’t do it, don’t believe I’m breaking a promise if I didn’t say the words. I will not promise if I think there is any possibility that I can’t fulfill it. Usually if I see that circumstances are too unpredictable I will make a point of saying “I can’t promise you but I will try.” It’s just that I don’t like to disappoint people and like them to know exactly where I’m at, and what I can and can’t do.

Now on the completely other end of the spectrum, other people’s promises mean nothing to me. I never expect anyone to fulfill their promise because I’ve been disappointed in this too many times. I can never again expect anyone to be as honest with me as I am with them. There are some people I trust more than others to follow through on their word, but even those I can not expect 100% from.

Yeah it hurts me and makes me feel unimportant when I will go through hell and high water to fulfill even my non promises to someone and they won’t follow through even on a small favor for me. So why do I still put such importance behind my own promises and word? Because I have higher standards for myself than I do for others or that others have for me. It is my decision to be completely honest and trustworthy for others, even if they aren’t for me and I stand by my decision.

That’s where I am in life, I know my life is not as important as others’. I know life is not about me, but about everyone else. And thus I attempt to concentrate on what I can do good, not on the bad others do.






AN: Sorry this essay was so dry, but when asked for my honest opinion this was what came out of my heart. The moment I saw this contest (on another site, for which I won gold for this entry) I knew I had to write something on it, for promises are very important to me. I simply abhor dishonesty and will not be dishonest in my words or heart. I dislike other people being dishonest but I have learnt to deal with it as just about everybody is and I have no control over them. Yes, I do believe I’m one of the few completely honest people left on this Earth (ok, not completely, I’ll tell a white lie once a year or so). I’m not bragging, ask anyone I know and they will confirm it. In fact some say I’m too honest for my own good.

I've never understood this and I've hate the hypocrisy of it! I know in Europe it's almost opposite of what it is here, and while I wouldn't mind hearing what people from other countries think, I'm strictly talking about America because that's where I'm from.

Why is violence so acceptable but nudity isn't?

Janet Jackson hardly shows part of her nipple for a second and everyone complains, censors and fights over it. Yet they show the murder of JFK over and over again. What kind of hypocrisy is this? Do we really want to see the murder of our most beloved president repeatedly? How about some respect for his family? Would you want your father's murder being shown on TV all the time? You may not want your mom's nipple shown on TV very much either, but for a completely different reason (I know I hate seeing my mom naked...ewwww).

So why is this? I really don't understand. I mean the human body is the most natural thing we have. God made us beautiful and appreciative of this beauty so that we may reproduce and make many more beautiful bodies. So why cover them up? Sex is the most natural thing in existence. So why is it so taboo?

Yet by contrast, murder, violence, and gore are so against "God's plan," we all agree it's the most morally incorrect thing in existence even if you don't believe in God, so why? Why do people enjoy watching it so much?

I'm not talking about the exploiting type of nudity (don't even get me started on how men ogle women so much -- I really how the industry thinks it's ok for women to show their breasts to get the men interested in their products -- but would they do this if nudity wasn't so taboo?). I really think it's unfair how it is also ok in some movies for women to have nudity but if a man is nude everyone freaks out. What is so horrible about a man's body? Ahhhh... But that's a different point.

Sex is not bad. Every single person I know gets pleasure from it. Yet violence is bad. Every single person I know doesn't like to be hurt (no, I don't know any masochists). Yet when it comes to watching others do these things the opposite seems to be true.

I'll be the first to admit I love a good action flick and yeah that generally involves violence of some sort (which I know are just stunts so it doesn't bug me that much), but I hate gore. Gore is completely unnecessary. Gore especially seems to be loved here. A lot of blood. Blood, blood and more blood, ripping off limbs and torturing people. Why is our society so intrigued by this?

And yet, I will admit there is more hypocrisy as a good portion of America is obsessed with sex and nudity. Yet they have to get their fix secretly. It's so frowned upon that people that people resort to sneaking porn. Why can't they do it openly? Why is it so taboo if it's such a natural thing? Of course if it wasn't contrived and put to such bad music, if it was actual love making, maybe it wouldn't be so taboo.

Completely uncensored nudity should be left to adults. Just like violence. But what I'm seeing is Children's cartoons are getting more and more violent. It shocked me when my Nephews 13 and 10 at the time, told me their favorite cartoon was Naruto, I asked them why, and they said "The blood! It's all about the blood." I watched an episode with them and was shocked their parents let them watch it. It was so violent and horrible. I will never buy them anything to support that show now. So no, I'm not saying what's next is nudity in these cartoons. I'm saying the opposite. The violence should be taken out and we should be concentrating on the beauty in life and not the ugliness.


If nudity wasn't so censored, would the porn industry go under? Is it only because it's so forbidden that people are willing to pay so much for it?

Who's the real culprit behind the censorship? Prudish Americans or greedy corporations? Well, that's a completely different rant!

What does it say about our society that we encourage violence that is closely related to hate and discourage nudity that is closely related to love? If people did enjoy loving the human body more than ripping it apart, wouldn't the world be a little nicer place?

The unfortunate thing is I don't have an answer or solution. Well, my solution is for people to be more tolerant, but that's not gonna happen anytime soon (another completely different rant).

Since childhood I’ve known I’ve been put on this planet to make other people happy. Many years ago, I realized life is not about me, it’s about everyone else (sometimes only a particular person). I’ve even known for at least 15 years, that I’m very selfish. However, it has only recently come to my attention, that the true reason I’m living this life is to learn a lesson. That lesson; not to be selfish.

I am now enlightened. I obviously was a very selfish person in a previous life and my karma or whatever is coming back to haunt me. I am in this life, have learned the things I know about why I’m here, for one reason, to stop being selfish.

So if this was one of my stories, I’d immediately see the error of my ways go to the nearest homeless shelter and give my time. I’d lose so much weight because I wouldn’t be eating selfishly anymore (i.e. all my favorite foods and eat them before anyone else could). I’d no longer ask others for their love, but give mine freely. I’d do everything my loved ones asked of me without questioning how I might get something out of it. I wouldn’t become jealous or paranoid. I wouldn’t think about how other’s don’t seem to pay attention to me, when they really are. I wouldn’t ruin all my relationships. I’d get married and have kids. And I’d make some kind of true difference in the world. Then die and come back in my next life to fix some of my other problems like not be so lazy.

Scrooge (A Christmas Carol) did it, he was enlightened over night and changed his life and many others’ in a heart beat. Winston (1984) did it, he realized he hated big brother and attempted to rebel. Even the Man from Mars (Stranger in a Strange Land) once enlightened took the ultimate action and became a martyr. There’s too many literary examples, these are just a few that stick out in my mind. I was going to say they had an impact on me, however if they really did, I don’t think I’d be writing this.

The problem is, life is not a literary work. People don’t change over night. Just because one is enlightened doesn’t mean one is ready to act. Enlightenment and action are two very different parts of the brain and the soul. And sometimes they’re not very connected.

Life is messy. Life doesn’t always work the way we wish it. And in my case, life makes me selfish. I was born and raised in an environment that not only spoiled me but encouraged me to be selfish. Heck, there’s times people have even rewarded me for it.

However, I see that I hurt others with my selfishness. Heck, I know every time I’m a bit selfish something happens that hurts me and others around me. So you would think it’d be easy. Stop being selfish and people stop getting hurt. It’s that simple. Or one would think.

I may be enlightened, but I’m not going to do anything that I mentioned above, because frankly, I’m selfish. I don’t want to change my routine. I don’t want to change my life. I like me how I am. I like people paying attention to me. I like being rewarded. I like being me. I like my independence, I like spending my time on things I enjoy, not volunteering or doing good. Basically, I’m too selfish to change my selfishness. Too selfish for my own good.

So what does this mean? What does it mean to my soul, to my karma? Maybe I’m going to hell? Maybe I’ll have to try again in my next life? Maybe nothing. Maybe I just need more time?

So now that I’m enlightened what next? Is there some way I can zap my mind to get rid of these selfish feelings? (now isn’t that just a selfish thought? Put the responsibility onto others, let them make me unselfish, don’t selflessly get rid of my own selfishness.)

How does one break a solid circle?

Why isn’t realization enough? Why can’t I change my life or who I am? Why must I continue to have a self destructive attitude when I know it’s bad?

What’s worse, is I know there are no answers. This is an individual problem that only I can solve.

However, maybe you can answer something for me; Is it just me? In your experience is enlightenment enough to cause action? Or is there something else I’m missing?

I used to be an idealist. I used to think that people could get along if they just learned to tolerate others. To accept their differences and learn from others. If we could just remain like children all our lives, in blissful ignorance, we could have peace.

I was wrong.

Humans strive on conflict. This is nothing new. How many wars have you lived through? It’s a fact that every day at least one place in the world there is a war going on. It’s not just limited to war. Countries are simply more visibly fighting against each other. Individual humans need conflict to survive as well.

As a writer I know that in story telling one must have an antagonist for the story to have any interest at all. This antagonist might be another human. It could be a thing such as a wall, or just a concept. It’s not the thing that intrigues us but the conflict between the protagonist and antagonist. Nor is it limited to storytelling.

Real life, every day, people need conflict. Employees generally dislike their bosses for being strict. Women become jealous of their man looking at another woman, etc. If there is none we artificially create a conflict out of the smallest things. Siblings fight over a ball, happily married couples argue over whose turn it is to do the dishes.

Why? Why do we need to feel our blood rushing through our veins in the heat of an argument? Why can’t we all just get along? No one likes to fight and yet we do.

Anger is part of the fight or flight response mechanism. It’s part of our breeding. In the ancient days if we just had a flight mechanism yes the world would be more peaceful but we’d probably be dead before long as you can only run so far so fast. Sabertooth tigers would rule the world now. So we must stand and fight at times. Kill or be killed. Sabertooths are extinct and we carry guns. Now that all our predators are gone we turn those guns on each other. If we don’t turn the guns on each other we find other ways to fight or flight.

If someone lies to avoid dire consequences or conflict (flight), the other becomes upset at the lie (fight). We can’t avoid it, if we come to a peaceful conclusion to one conflict there will be another waiting in the wings.

Perhaps if we could find another way to fill our lives with excitement we could skip the war thing. Then again that’s probably just my idealism talking again. That could be why the newest generation has turned to “extreme games,” and “extreme drugs” or go to other extremes to gain attention. Which, of course, is no answer. Many more people retract themselves from the real world. Most live in fantasy worlds where they still have many conflicts but they’re with imaginary people so they don’t really hurt anyone. This too is no answer.

It is the fight or flight equations again. If we avoid true conflicts we disintegrate into something less than human. So perhaps we need war and conflict after all, just to prove our existence.