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Sex Drug's and Rock & Roll

As I lay on my bed: As I lay on my bed

As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night.

You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body...

you sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me.

Finally I went to sleep.

Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events.

My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishings, making it harder to forget you.

Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you......you fucking mosquito.

Monday May 4, 2009 - 05:22am (PDT) Permanent Link | 0 Comments
Better than a FluShot!: Better than a FluShot!

Miss Beatrice, The church organist, Was in her eighties And had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness And kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, The young minister Noticed a cute glass bowl Sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled With water, And in the water Floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned With tea and scones, They began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better

of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'

Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through The Park a few months ago And I found this little package On the ground.

The directions said To place it on the organ, Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu All winter.'

Tags: better, than, a, flushot!

Sunday May 3, 2009 - 02:47am (PDT) Permanent Link | 0 Comments
The facts about lunch: The facts about lunch

A little girl runs out to the yard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"

Her startled father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs.

He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams... and, he thinks -- what the hell -- and goes on to tell her the works.

He covers a wide assortment of topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge.

Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for?"

"Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

Tags: the, facts, about, lunch

Wednesday March 5, 2008 - 07:13am (PST) Permanent Link | 0 Comments
Horoscopes by Adam Sandler: Horoscopes by Adam Sandler

Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

Aries (Mar 23 - April 22) You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have major influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence but are still a general bad ass.

Taurus (April 23 - May 22) You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamed communist.

Gemini (May 23 - June 22) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 23 - July 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) You are a logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. If you are a male you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nill. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. You are a worthless piece of shit.

Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

Tags: horoscopes, by, adam, sandler

Saturday February 23, 2008 - 09:20pm (PST) Permanent Link | 0 Comments
Urinalysis: Urinalysis

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Tags: urinalysis

Saturday February 23, 2008 - 09:15pm (PST) Permanent Link | 0 Comments

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