I'm having a faith crisis. I am assured by my spiritual director and many acquaintances in the mental health field that lots of people experience this....and then I add, "...but no one talks about it." So here I am, talking about it. Maybe others will too.

If anyone told me that I would doubt the existence of God, or doubt some of the basic teachings of the Catholic Church, I would never have believed them. Everyone knows how much I love the Catholic Church, the Eucharist, the Magisterium, Adoration, Scripture, Canon Law, etc. Everyone knows how devoted I have been since my conversion over ten years ago.

But this year I have felt like Peter the Apostle - a betrayer of Christ. I googled "faith crisis", and Mother Teresa came up. Yes, Mother Teresa. I forgot about the recent revelation of her dark night of the soul. Here's an excerpt from the August 23, 2007 edition of on-line TIME Magazine:

In more than 40 communications, many of which have never before been published, she bemoans the "dryness," "darkness," "loneliness" and "torture" she is undergoing. She compares the experience to hell and at one point says it has driven her to doubt the existence of heaven and even of God.

I am experiencing similar things in my spiritual life. It is incredibly painful, although I am able to pray again, not like I used to, but some. I now have a deep appreciation of the plea "Pray for those who can not pray for themselves." It's real. I literally could not (and still can't most of the time) pray for myself, or for anyone else. It was, and still is to some extent, like I am stunned and the words just can't come out. Like I am a foreigner in a strange land. Like I want to communicate with others like I used to, but I can't.

Why me? Why now? Why all of a sudden? There are no answers to these questions. They are part of the reaction to my emptiness. I have even been angry at God, and lest anyone say "you can't be," I point to the Psalms. God wrote them so we could say them, because He knew we would experience those feelings at times, and He wanted to let us know that it's okay, it's okay to express our anger, our disappointment "with" Him. He knows the reality. He knows He is all kind and all loving, but He also knows we will doubt that at times, so He says, "Here, here are the Psalms to help you express that with Me."

I wonder if this has anything to do with these prayers I added two years ago. You know, "be careful what you ask for" kind of thing.

"Oh, dear God, please take me more deeply into the mystery of the Crucified Christ."

"God, please instill in me the desire to know you and love you more than I've ever known you and loved you before."

Hmm...please pray for me and pray for all those who can not pray for themselves.

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You probably know how enthusiastic I am about the fundraising I do in the crisis pregnancy arena (www.stgerardwalkathon.org & www.newbeginningsxt.org). I have no plans to discontinue that work, but I am feeling called to do more. I am feeling called to address the root causes of this social problem. I think about this a lot:

Wouldn't it be great if all the crisis pregnancy centers

and shelters went out of business - for the right reason?

How Far Is Too Far? - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c800q53nysw&feature=related

If We're In Love, Is Sex Ok? - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vXuH-x8r8MY&feature=related

Sex - When Are You Ready? - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yJwp0s60b5U&feature=related

Why Modesty? - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SH0PUjdPLQw&feature=related

Modesty & Romance - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=80FOpC5oKww&feature=related

Jason Evert Presentations, w/a link to his schedule - Click here

Conversations With Jason Evert - More video clips - Click here

Young Adult Speaker Program - Click here

Chastity - Why I'm Waiting - Video of Teens Talking on the Subject - Click here

Every now and then, I "google" the St. Gerard Walkathon. I like to see where it might be getting exposure. When I did that recently, an unexpected listing came up. It was a link to one of Patrice Fagnant-MacArthur's blogs. She had written about the walkathon in her February 8, 2008 post...."And, if we are going to be pro-life, we need to support the women who are giving birth in difficult circumstances." She is a Roman Catholic with a lot to offer:

http://momentofbeauty.blogspot.com & http://spiritualwomanthoughts.blogspot.com

Her newsletter site is http://www.spiritualwoman.net