THE GOOD...

I love the autumn! In my life it is the time of real transition. Living in New England the colors make the season so vibrant. Change is coming. It is a reminder that we all continue to move on. Which brings me to my journey.

I continue to be in a holding pattern. It's like being stuck in a wayside town, waiting for the train to take you away. I'll soon have some time to practice and wear clothes I've bought over the year. I can't wait!

Yet I am glad to have the 360 window. It is great to peer out to find new friends and see the changes taking place. You all are beautiful! Keep the colors coming along! Happy Fall!!

Hi everyone. I have returned to everyday living after a wonderful 10 days in the state of Washington with my family. The weather was sunny with record heat. (I actually got a sunburn just from walking around Victoria, BC!). We had our family dinner, and spent time in Seattle, riding Duck boats, touring museums, watching the Mariners lose to Toronto, 2-0. Safeco field is really nice. (too bad the sox were not there). We also played in the snow on Mt. Baker!

One thing I noticed was that "lissa" never left. I love my family. I would never want them to suffer, and I'm afraid it will happen. Either suffer with the eventual unhappiness of my incomplete self or from the decision to change my life.

The goal for such a decision remains over the next 3-4 yrs. I remain patient, committed to my family;yet accepting of who I am.

Hello again! and thanks for your support.

I have a fantasy and a plan. First the plan--As I live each day I start it with asking who I am and prepare for the day events. At night I review my day and specifically I think about "lissa"--how many times did I actually reach into myself to have her with me. Each day seems to suggest that lissa most certainly exists and the thoughts I have about being female are many over the day. Therefore my plan remains to transition beginning in about 3 years. By then many of my immediate obligations will be minimized, and I'll have more opportunity to follow thru.

My fantasy--I wish I could find a couple nearby willing to promote my femininity. I would love to slowly work toward transition. I would be a project for them. I am in need of learning about make-up, posing, being sexy...

If you are a couple looking for a friend to feminize please respond. I would love to chat!

I am beginning to realize that I am at a serious crossroad. The hope that someday I might wake up to find myself as a female seems to come over me every night with dissappointment to follow in the morning.

Yet in my 51 years I have never felt as successful in life as I am now. A wife of 22 years, and a son with a good head on his shoulder. No doubt he will also be a success. My career is not a problem and I love what I do. I have a tremendous family as it presently stands. My mom is doing well without dad who died several years ago. My brother is very close to me.

So why me? I ask that of myself every morning after my shower as I look at myself in the mirror. I ask God why didn't He just make it easy so that I was female from the start. No response...

I have known I was different for years--around the age of 9 or 10 is the earliest I can remember. But I fought the feeling, through grammar school, through high school (all guys lol!), and off at college and grad school. I hid my feelings well and thought someday I would lose those thoughts. It took me nearly 40 yrs. to realize it doesn't work that way.

I came out to my wife a few years ago and she was not accepting. And it seems we are living ordinary lives. It is funny, that a few years back she told me I was depressed. (That was before I got the courage to tell her about crossdressing). So, I started taking an antidepressant which does help. But I now know it is related to my transgendered wishes.

I'm setting a course for patience and balance. It isn't time to go full throttle and tell those close to me about wanting to seriously be female. It would hurt many and then I would be REALLY depressed. It will need to take time. Sometimes I feel it is like parachuting where one needs to pull the chord at the right moment. I won't do it too early, and it won't be too late either!

To those of you who have been friends here, please keep being my friend. You have all helped me greatly in your friendship, thoughts and prayers. I love you all! Being on this journey has been easier with you by my side.