REMEMBER…..Things happen for a reason…

Well, I can honestly say that for the first time, well in a long time, I am right where I need to be…I feel like, well no I know that there are such great things waiting fro me in my future, and well I feel like maybe that future is not so far away… I deserve to be happy, and to have all that my heart desires, and I will….. Me & my children deserve happiness, love, respect, desire, faithfulness, honor, and life.. We have all earned it.. I am slowly letting people know about things..(aka divorce), and its so funny.. It is truly amazing how many people step up unexpected, how many show their “true “colors, and well how many are umm well clueless.. lol I have people tell me that I need to get out there and go out in the world.. Well honestly I have no interest, no interest in dating or anything of the sort.. I know that many people may laugh or not understand, but I have made a decision and well I am going to stick to it.. It kinda comes from a book that I read back in September/October called “Eat, Pray, Love”.. Well I will tell you what, I NEVER buy books like this, much less have the desire to read them, and well I did and the similarities were so scary, especially the events, thoughts, feelings and ect..I think maybe sometimes that there was a “reason” why I was to read this book, maybe even a reason why some/certain things have happened for the last couple of years.. Well no I do, it was to prepare me for this day, for this day that would come, because whether you call it God, fate, destiny, I was living a life, a destiny that was not right.. Now that is not meaning that my spouse was not who I was supposed to marry ect., but the essence, the “life” that I was living. Somewhere I took a wrong turn and fate was intervening and making, well help making me self correct… So I have decided…

I am taking a year… A year to mourn, to live, to re-learn life, experience life, & prepare..

I am going to break the year up into 4 months..

4months – live **** 4months- love**** 4months—laugh

Ok, so here’s the game plan, I am going to take a year, or up to a year to be.. for me, so that way when the time is right and I am ready, I will open myself up to moving forward and welcome the next part of my life to start.

First 4months will be for mourning…

Mourning for what I lost & never had, and all the things that will never be. I will also, use it to focus on myself, my family, and just adjusting and accepting..

Second 4months will be for living…

Living life, experiencing all things, enjoying passions of my past, doing things that I loved and un-willingly gave up, and me time... Trying new things, doing hobbies, re-finding life…

Third 4months will be for learning to combine family and me…

Learning how to not loose myself and to not allow anyone or anything to take away my passion for life and living... To remember, that I am a woman and not only a mother.

Now all this may not take a full year, the different stages may not even take 4 months each. Give or take. But right now at this moment this is the game plan. So that way when I am, when ever I am ready to take that next step forward, I will be looking forward, and there will be no ghosts or any of the “past” hanging over my head… So I can look forward and not ever look back again.. I am really trying hard to believe what I say, and I do to a point. That what happened in the past has happened, there is no way to change it, so the only thing to do is to accept it and move forward.

Everything happens for a reason..

Well, I know it has been quite some time, but there has been a lot going on, so much so I really do not know where to begin. I have went back to work at a really great family oriented company, I am working in their purchasing department, and I am a wholesale purchaser. I have bought a new house and during the days of Christmas, me & my kids (with the help of the spouse) moved into our new home.... Yes, I am using the word HOME... I & the kids finally have a true and real home. It is so nice. I finally got some really great pics, of the time period of us moving. I am in the process and I believe I have decided which path to go down, but am selling my old house... The Hell house. I have pretty much weeded out all bad out of my life, and I have begun getting in touch with all the good that has been in my life... We all had a great Christmas, even considering all...

Ok, I am finally going to announce...

I am getting a divorce.

Yes, unfortunately too much to not do so, even though the spouse is desperate to change my decision.

It all began in begin of November when that same not so great group of people that I got mixed up with, decided for what ever reason. Well k, we all know...JR high games... Decided that it would be great fun to try and hurt me, and tell incredible lies to my hubby regarding me... Well what they did not know, was well... all they did was give ammunition to a abusive man, and fuel the fire for his desperate need to "find" something on me.. Well... one thing came of it all... That night, somehow, I finally found the courage to stand up and say NO... I do not and will not go into all details, but I finally said NO... I made him acknowledge what for the last 9yrs he had been doing and in doing so gave me the strength I needed... Well also, I never knew that in those precious moments of regaining the rest of me...that his whole house of cards, lies, and betrayals would come crashing all down around me... again wont go into details, but yes I am getting divorced.. I gave him all chances to come clean, but no he had not until recently knew exactly/understand what he lost and threw away... So I have bought a new house, making a home for me & my kids, have a great job, getting ready to go back to school, had a great group of people ( that I would never had expected) came from shadows and helped me threw the bad times, gotten stronger, seeing myself once again, and am living. Living life... I am actually feeling peace... I have finally a home that no evil has stepped into, no bad memories, and no ill intentions. A clean fresh start, a fresh slate... a loving environment, good karma, and faith has been restored.

So even though those people thought they were just so...umm... getting even, for me telling the truth... well actually because of their actions, they have made my life get back on the coarse that fate and destiny had charted for me... I am so happy, the spouse is going to therapy, my parents and I have never been closer, my children have true smiles on their faces, I have a safe & happy/warm home, no more evil house, I am seeing myself in the mirror, I no longer have to hide that part of my life anymore. So yes thanks to their ignorant actions, they have made my life better.

You know also, thanks to some help, I now truly understand how I so got swepped up in that whole drama series... Somehow, somewhere I saw myself in that mans wife. I saw myself and somehow, in my desire to protect her, I was trying to protect myself. Something that no one ever did for me, I was trying to protect myself, by protecting her... There were so many similarities, and when her husband began doing the things he was to me, well it was not different than what my own husband had been doing for years, and he taught me well on how to hide that kind of stuff and to act as nothing ever happened. Anyways, I now understand and know why I went to the extremes I did for her, and well, yes one day she will wake up and realize her mistakes of the hatred she feels towards me and realize I was only trying to help/protect her, and when that day comes I feel pity for her, and I truly hope that someone is there to help her threw it. Because that day will come, and I pray she makes it thru it... I do not hate her for what she has said and done towards me, none of them. I pity them....

Anyways... well things are going good; yes there are still bad days. Bad moments and there will be plenty more... I did not truly realize how much I loved him, until my heart was broken... But, I do know that I deserve so much more, so much better, and I will never settle for anything less than what me and my children deserve for ever again. He is trying so hard... but how much is truth, guilt, and manipulation... I do not know, I only know that in time, all will be revealed thru his words and actions...time...time will tell all... But for right now, it’s me & the kids...

I am healing, and I pray that I am strong enough, because the day is fastly approaching when the kids will be told. I refused to have them told until after the holidays and my oldest daughters Bday...I did not want them to suffer because of him, well anymore than they have to... They will hurt, and tears will fall, but hopefully I will be strong enough to shoulder most of their pain for them, so they will not be destroyed as I was... I just hope they never learn the real truth about their father, that he did not want them, his family, his wife/their mother. Not until he lost them all...