Following is my effort to narrate my experience of Illness to Recovery. I feel, there are some links missing in narration. Plz read and guide me in putting up the right things in editing this. My intentions are to let those of us, who can get willing to love themselve without further delay, benefit from it and the message of LIFE BEYOND CANCER be spread to as many people.

Regards

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Dear Friends:

I am Gratefully obliged to my God and Thankful to All that’s happening to me and around me.

Simply because ‘Not everything of my choice will Happen’

And, when all my choices are not fulfilled, I see no Reason to

Worry, Grudge, Cry OR Resent.

It has been a long time that I spoke to you. Chances of my vocally talking to you again are Distant now. But again, I am talking to you right at this moment.

Isn’t it a reason enough to be gr8ful?

Sometime in May 2007, I started feeling tremendous weakness and restlessness. Eye-sight was effected and opticians didn’t find any flaw in vision test. My voice became hoarse, It graduallly turned difficult to eat solid food or drink water. Only luke-warm water or few cups of Tea (it was handy) thru the day was all I could have. Somehow, despite all difficulties and severe pain, I was eating semi-solid dinner like- boiled vegetable; daliya, khichdi, sweets etc. even eating apple was tough.

I went in for hospitalisation at my Ayurvedic Hospital for two weeks. Either they could not diagnose OR they did not tell me. One thing they had been constantly telling me since 2005 (and were very much concerned about) was to stop smoking.

I was unable to stay stopped.

I wanted to continue smoking.

I smoked even in the hospital

or in No Smoking Zones,(paid fines for it.)

I was finding it difficult to smoke.

I was lighting cigs and would end-up throwing it without being able to enjoy the smoke before it was half burnt.

I was finding different answers to comfort myself for my deteriorating health. Denial was at its Peak. I changed my residence to a lively open surrounding in September.

Yes! It was time for the illness to flourish in its full Glory.

Blood would often come with coughing.

A new place, hardly any aquaintances except the landlord’s family!

No work for earning money, health not permitting to move out alone. Numerous visits to medical facilities.

But, smoking continuing…

Doctors were wondering of my Insane Behaviour.

I was praying. The Serenity Prayer.

I was aware that I am not doing the proper thing that I ought to do.

Then,

It happened one evening.

I was having dinner with landlord’s family. Suddenly, I coughed and my breath was choked.

This was the 2^nd time in a short span. (1^st time it was middle of the night around 2 am. I was alone and could not cry for help.)My face was burning red.

I ran outside for fresh air to be able to breath.

Landlord’s family running after me. They watched me in dismay. Unable to decide how and what to do in this situation.

I saw and I Heard their Helpless Body Language.

It was then that I prayed to my God with utmost sincerety that I could gather at that point of time.

I prayed that these Innocent people who are helping me un-conditionally, be saved from sufferings that are being infected upon them by my insane acts. I prayed to get willing for proper treatment.Then it occurred to me to sip some water. I did and felt better before getting back to normalcy.

The Miracle Began,

And the very next day strange people, I had never known earlier, started extending help and support for my well-being. People ferried me to far-off places for proper diagnosis of the illness. Soon, I found myself in the country’s premier medical facility and one of world’s better known surgeon took upon himself the task to ease my pain. He prayed for me as he did for all his patients.

Come October and tests revealed very advanced stage of ‘LARYNX’ (Throat Cancer) that had spread all-over voice-box and was now threatening food-pipe and breathing system. Breathing was getting difficult and would get choked at unusual times & places. I was so senseless that I did not pay attention to it untill one day it happened in front of doctors in hospital. I was suggested to get Tracheostomy done for ease of breathing. My mind could not register the implications or whatever I was told. I simply nodded and tracheostomy was done in emergency ward. I had been behaving like an insane person or like a kid, I don’t know what it actually was. But it helped in my recovery.

I was told by the Doctors that as of now there is no cure with them for my illness but they can attempt to save my life. For this, they have one option of removing my voice-box. By God’s grace, I was able to completely surrender my will to HIM and therefore, I humbly asked the doctors to do what they thought was appropriate.

Surgery was operated upon on November 19, 2007.

Unusuallly, it lasted for several hours. Couple of more days in hospital’s after care were soon over. Clouds of uncertain future care were looming large upon faces of my relatives. My relatives, whom I had not seen in years, who all were frightened of me all through the earlier life, were worried and fearful. Everyone knew that at 49, I live alone and far-off. None of them dared to stay with me or took me to their homes. My mother, although she had suffered setbacks of life threat from me, sent prayers from her ailing bed.

Strangely, I was calm and peaceful.

My surrender had developed a Deep-rooted Faith inside me.

All through this period, I had been experiencing HIS Hand in smooth functioning of everything. My relatives and my friends (all of our Fellowships) were seeing that, too. But they were reluctant to believe that I’ll be better off alone in HIS care.

It had already been 4 months that I had attended to my work yet, each month some work was coming through. Enough to meet my needful expenses. Huge sums required for medical expenses were pooled by friends and relatives besides my meagre earnings. Had I been in my senses or my mind would have been in working order, this surgery would have never happened. My senses are still responding to many situations after a time gap of 12-15 hours.

In December, when I got back home from hospital, All Alone and not in a shape to stand alone, God sent an escort for my care. A girl came to stay and care for me thru one of my nephews. Things started falling in place. Prayers of friends were heard. I was gaining strength of un-expected calibre. Work for earning, sufficient to meet my needs, continued to happen. I was carefree in HIS care.

Radiotherapy, a tough thing for most people, passed smoothely with me. Only minor difficulties were faced. But, Ryle’s tube removal continued to prove a challenge. Original food-pipes were blocked hence, Ryle’s tube was a necessity for survival. This was unusual bcoz, normally oral food restoration occurs in 8-10 days but here it is already 4 months. Tests reveal all things normal but actual state of affair was that not even few drops of water could get-in orally. Doctors explained this to me and suggested another method of attempting to un-block my food-tube. I accepted bcoz I had become un-comfortable with Ryle’s tube. Weakness was making me tremble. Prayers were the only tool that kept me going. Now, its March 31, 2008 and little hope is in sight that Re-storation of oral food-intake will happen but will take little long. I felt ‘Freedom’ of a new kind after removal of Ryle’s tube.

Strangely, its for the 1^st time in my life that I am not missing my flowing Beard that is now vanished of the scene. There are hardly any signs of my face to get a beard again. Only traces of a beard are left. Moustaches are thicker and are well in place with one side growing bigger than the other. I take it as HIS dislike for my wearing a beard all thru my life. Friends say and I also feel it that way that I appear pleasantly friendly now. Voice re-storation is in waiting. Although it will just be an arrangement to meet basic speech requirements thru artificial sources but is likely to be of gr8 help than being ‘dumb.’

I am now looking forward to move further in life with my changed appearances, modified strengths and vision to follow HIS will in my life. Its my 3^rd opportunity to live a better life. Granted despite me being an out-law who always ran his own will and harmed himself beside hurting everyone else.

Let’s be Blessed, Always!

Sincerely ….humblyanjani

Even though my Ryle's tube is removed, my food pipe blockage is still prohibiting me from food other than Liquids.

My alternate speech therapy will start only after food intake is re-stored.

I am glad that I am able to Accept the situation, AS IT IS...

Friends!

I have been absent here for long now.

In late September, I was confirmed of getting caught-up with Throat Cancer. It happened to be on an advanced stage. Doctors suggested me to go for surgery and get the voice-box removed, the most infected organ. Prior to that, since Breathing had become difficult, my Techostomy tube was cut and alternate arrangements for food and breathing were made. My surgery went well in November and subsequent Radiotherapy would be over in another week or so.

Under HIS ever showering Love and Care and ofcourse the unconditional love of you all that kept me in your prayers, I am blessed with another new life-

3rd life for Me

I shall be coming back soon hopefully. Current priority being recovery of health which had deteriorated to extreme weakness.

Love and (((((HUGS)))))