hi to all of my friends in here.It's been a long time since i had no contact to all of you.Anyway,I am still alive just having some difficulty in life but i believe this tough times has it's own end someday,somehow.

thanks for knowing my whereabouts Beige and Kevin......I know your stillmy best friends here.I will be fine .The greatest persons who's giving me hope are still my 2 kids to move on with my life.

thats all for today.meet you sometimes co'z i am always busy attending chores at home and all of the schedules to meet my 2 kids.

Have a nice day,folks!

So then,here I am writing all my sentiments from the abstinence of my loving husband.I hardly can't imagine i am now walking alone in this journey of my family life....hardly can't accept my husband was gone..............just like a paper,so fragile was my heart grieving from the lost of my loving partner in life.....for 8 yrs being with him,was just Heaven's grace.......i miss him so much.....all of our wonderful and golden memories was still fresh into my mind and lingers within my soul..................I miss him more than you could ever imagine.

The pain was more than dying inside.....for i had pitied my 2 kids co'z the brightest future supposedly awaits for them by the hand of their father,Francis....my loving husband was shuttered.I hate the world.....................

He once told me,once we die,we have lots of time to sleep...................I guess his right.His now sleeping waiting for our Lord JesusChrist and for us a living human to get us...........Should i have to get mad or should i have to cried for crying was madly an insult to our family we had been built together with my husband.For we never shed tears but laughters.

Only language is my difficulty here ....only french......and i could say that french are the greatest asshole i ever met in my whole life.....for i once met a man named boxie bobby.....after the death of my husband........he had shown up his indeginious work of art....well,it's alright..........................my love for my husband doesn't cost a thing.I may be alone raising my 2 kids but for 8 yrs wonderful golden memories my husband and I shared together can be enough for me to accomplished all we had dream for our 2 kids,for our house and for my mom....Heaven has it's own mercy for my Lord JesusChrist never forsaken a widow and 2 small kids who had lost their responsible and loving father.Life has to go on and on.................i still have 3 VIP persons in my life who give me reason to live.............my 2 kids and my mom.

For you my loving husband Francis,wait for me ..............for love that true last forever.Ech hun dech gär fir eiweg!

june 1,2008-3pm

One time when my loving husband and I went for a grocery,we passed by at DVD 's stands and bought "the dark prince" dvd movie for additional collection of my vampire stuff.Francis, didn't like those bloodymares co'z it has no sense but at the end of the night,he had accompanied me to watch it.It's a nice movie i can say........and vividly explain me what is fear...............................according to count Dracul,fear is another power that is stronger than anything.I guess his right.

I am a very couragious woman since I was a child. Problem and trials in life can not put me down that easy.It's because poverty and having a broken family ,those adversaries of mine in life made me stronger..............................but when it comes to my family,I am numb. April 25,2008 at 11:30 pm night,I had a call from the Hospital that my husband can not make it.I have to be there .....................I can not believe the doctor,He might just making a bad joke on me. I'm done with my chores at home at 10 pm,had my prayer for my husband to be safe and my 2 kids are half-way sleeping.I wake them up and dressed up........rung the doorbell of the aunt of my husband.Tata Hely,she just live besides us.She drive me together with his husband and my 2 kids at centrale hospital luxembourg. I am confident that my husband is fine........the doctor might be mistaken something somehow.

The french nurse gave us a hard time to locate us where my husband's room was.It took 30 mins.She denied that my husband was not confine at CHL(Centrale hospital of luxembourg) I told him that couldn't be co'z i was at Niederkorn hospital at late afternoon(Hospital marie-astrid) and told me that they transferred my husband here at the city. The french security guard leads our way.It was at 3rd floor.The pathways are all silent and empty.I waited for 10 mins.The doctor wearing a blue suit approached me.I've told him,I can't believe that my husband is dead............I was shocked.He told me to wait for a couple of minutes co'z the dead body of my husband has lots of vomit.Their cleaning the body of my husband.Tears run to my cheeks like a fountain......Then doctor locate me where is my husband's room at number 33. I've checked the body of my husband.............he had a spot of few blood on his mouth and at the center of my lung was a blood too.I've checked his left wrist,I've found out that there's a small bulb sign as his vein had exploded.The doctor told me that he died of cardiac arrest......I hardly can't believe so i request for autopsy.My husband is dead after the by pass surgery.....but then i can not blame the surgeon co'z for 5 days his at home,at the 4th day ,thursday,he made a hard pooh....his stomach is ok.The autopsy done only daytime.They told us that my husband died of thrombosis,thickening of blood and locking of oxygen.He has too much white blood cells that range for 2000..............I still can not believe so I've asked my sister-in law for the next week,I will talk to the anesthesie.....there are some event's that i had noticed for the five days that my husband came home after the surgery.My husband came home at 3pm last april 21 with his two cold hands and numb

ness.I've noticed that at his left ass check was color yellowish like a skin of a deceased body and at the center there was a hematome and a tiny injection.I've asked my husband about this but he told me he don't know.He just wake up that it was painful.for 3days,he made a liquid pooh.I assisted him on bed and wake up anytime at the middle of the night when he likes to pee or pooh.I prepare his meals on time and sponge bath him.My husband got delirium.....he told me he heard as if there was a man speaking on him......which is a rare thing to happened to my intellectual husband. ...just the very first time in his life as if his having an hallucination. I've told him,it might be cause of too much anesthesie that will fade...just to calm down his mind....for the fact that i don't know what to say....I had no idea. At the forth day,my husband woke up at the middle of the night that his whole complete body was sweating like coming out of fresh shower.He told me his shevering.He wanted me to cook him soup co'z his cold.I even massage his feet at night after taking care of my 2 kids and our house.This was strange.................his feet were cold like an ice! Then,in the morning at friday,he couldn't breathe.I told him to called up the hospital.He told me not yet.then at exactly 1:25am,he wake me up....he told me he can not breathe well.He called up the doctor at Niederkorn.The doctor came.Then the ambulance came to pick my husband.They gave my husband 2x oxygen.Since he can not walk,we've waited for the special chair coming from the hospital for obese people.The fire truck helped to took out my husband over our window by a machine.At 4.04am,they rush my husband at the hospital.I've talked to the french rescuer,she told me to visit him at Niedercorn.I have no sleep.I assisted my son for breakfast then do my chores.Waited for him to come back after afternoon school.At 5:30pm,My 2 kids and I had commute by bus going to Niederkorn. At the information desk,the letzebourgish woman told me that my husband is at reanimation.Visiting hours is at 7pm.My 2 kids are hungry so we had dinner at cafeteria then come back at waiting room. There is also a woman who's waiting for his husband after the by pass surgery,She help me talked to the 2 french nurse to translate I'd like to visit my husband.They assisted me.Rung at the door.The PT man wearing red suit told me that they rush my husband at CHL(Centrale hospital of luxembourg) and put some injection at the neck....I dunno that term....he just told me like bacers???Am I right? sounds like that as what i had heard from the PT.Then,I went to the info's desk so gather details where did they put my husband.The Letzebourgish nurse was nice.She even gave me room number.....number 33.Then,she handed me the old red big travelling bag of my husband.I went home carrying it with my 2 kids........to my tasks I had left at home. ...then at 10.30 pm,a bad news arrived.I have to go ASAP to the hospital co'z my husband can not make it..................................I have lost my loving husband.......the responsible and caring father of my 2 kids.

My greatest fear just happened.Which is to lost my partner in life.There is no problem with his body co'z we are member of crimatorium.All are done by death insurance.Yesterday at 3pm,we went to see for the last time the ashes of my husband.The priest held a mass and we all directly went to the church for the masses........I love my husband so much.....everyday I pray to God to extend his life for us.I even do all in the house hold without asking him to help me....just go to the office is enough help he can do...................now,His gone.We have lots of great plan after his by pass surgery........................I cried all day night.....I have lost him....and even up to now,I am lamenting.

I can't believe his not ganna make it...for I have known my husband is a fighter like me too.Even his cardialog told him that he has a strong heart like a horse...he didn't drink neither smoke! I hate the world! my husband is too young at 39 to die !

Having my husband gone was my greatest fear for partner in life die...i have no fear anymore.........for i have left my heart in him...............too early for him to leave this earth.For the bright future for our 2 kids which is to grow up with father was gone. Up to now,I can't believe i have lost him....now,my family was incomplete.Should I have to hate the world or should I have to say,enough is enough?My husband is not just an ordinary human to me,his more of a person I could imagine.......

Honey,Now that your there at the bosom of our Almighty God JesusChrist,don't you worry for us here on Earth.I will fulfill all our dreams together for our 2 kids for our house and for my mom.Remember that it's just the body that's die not your soul for someday,we will meet there at paradise.Someday.................I love you more than my life,honey Francis......forever you....the time you had left this world,you made me complete....all i have to do is to take care of your 2 kids and finish our house....I swear,you will always be my one and only love here on earth and even for eternity....co'z i can wait even for long time just to be with you at paradise and show you the real Heaven Jesus had promised on me....

may 3,2008 at 10:41pm

March soon to end....5 days more it will be over.This month, we are facing with another trial in life,another term of mine for problem. Who else in this world are stress-free individual? I don't think one of us here are trouble-free co'z as soon as we wake up early in the morning,the thing that comes first into our mind is how to solve our problem weather big or small cause. I remember I had red a book....I gain strength out of it....this goes with a line like this....."90 percent of what we are complaining for are not problems but all are inconviences.". Inconviences co'z there never been a time to solve problem co'z it happened immediately...solution is part monetary that we have to wait for our salary the next month together.

March 10,2008-------I confined my mom at the hospital. She got depression like me co'z of missing my son, Piolo too much. Everytime, I talk to her on the phone;she often ask me to talk to his favorite apo.She loves hearing my son's voice.This gives me feeling of guilt co'z I can't just go back to Phil to the time she wanted.......our place is not just beside her house where the moment she wanted to see us,we can jump over the fence.......as fast as a wind?huh?

Mama's hospitalization cost me huge amount of money.Thirty thousand pesos for renting van from Pampanga to Manila and for her one-month advance and deposit.Also calling over-seas to connect to people who will take care of my mom and the hospital phone gives me another 30 thousand pesos bills to pay for this month.My landline and my celfon was cut-off this time co'z i exceeded to my quota calling abroad.I had chatted with Lara(one of my co-worker before now living at netherland yesterday),she told me," It looks like we all just done everything by money......my mother miss us that she even can't cope when we will be there at her side again". My answer is rigid. how can we come back to Phil if my husband will go to by-pass surgery next month and we even don't have any savings left for our trip?.....Life is too expensive here at Luxembourg.Things which you wanted to explain to our kababayan and to my mom ,still they can't understand but rather gave you a benifit of guilt.Philippines is easy-going life.The gov't will not put you behind bars when you missed to pay your bills.....you can commute going to work any moments.....but here, car is equivalent to work.....no car...no work,fini!.Simple reason,company here are so far away from residencial areas and some can not be reach by bus....the disadvantage living here at one of the richest country in the world.They just think when your abroad, money fall down from heaven.....you just have to pick them up.....what a crazy idea!fact is reverse, If you don't have work or having one salary to cope for a living where in 4 persons have to share with that small certain amount of money...........where are you up for tommorow? headaches..................that's my answer.Headaches and goosebumping how to deal with life specially one of the member abroad got sick.....I can not afford to get sick,buddie! or else i'll be dead tomorrow......YUNNO....

Having my 31st birthday this march 17 gives me goosebumpings. Not just thinking about unexpected bills to pay ....it's normal,Health is the priority of our family.....but also a reason for me to look for another job..........I've got a part-time job as a cleaner of my husband's office but it's not enough to pay the running hospitalization bills of my mother monthly. I have a project I am doing everyday after my housechores, I do hope i can succeed with this field .I am writing a book. The Authorhouse from UK sent me letters how to publish it yesterday....hopefully, I will publish my first book "Pinay in West" this coming november....if my target budget is at my hand.wish me luck buddies....