wow.

i never knew it was this long.

at lot has changed since i was here.

did i even care.

do i even care.

i do, actually.

but i only come back here when i have problems.

and i do have some - i never run out of problems.

but.

i get by with a little help from my friends.

this is my new toy.

sony ericsson k800i

it's a phone + digital camera.
see more of what i've taken here:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/jeffmendoza

"and i just pray my problems go away if they're ignored,
but that's not the way it works - no that's not the way it works..."

today is the day that was the day to set things straight, i told myself, as i put my sneakers on and locked my doors. in the train, i was staring at the, displaced with thoughts telling me that i don't how to deal with my problem, hoping that the time it takes for me to arrive where i work is enough for me to come up with something to fix this travesty.

i came to work - you guessed it - same as yesterday. i worked quietly in my area, staring at my wall, decorated with illustrations that i have drawn just to kill time. looking at them made me realise that i've been through a lot. unknowingly, of course.

it was seven p.m., i was about to make my quick-and-unusual exits from the office when my conscience told me that i should just get this thing out of my mind and move on.

so i did it.

i went over and talked to someone, i went over to his place, and at the corner of my eye, i can see everyone stopped on what they're doing and looked at me as if i am armageddon. he didn't look at me, but i can see his discomfort upon my nearing. even more when i asked if he had five minutes to spare.

i talked to him about what i am feeling, and he can't look at me straight in the eye - and that alone, i reversed the conversation. i asked for an apology for being immature and brooding, that i just don't find racism funny. i asked him if we can still be friends.

of course, any man who is in the situation would say the other way around, but i prefer to feel good about it. it's been troubling me for five days, i, at least would like to feel lighter at the end of it all.


after that i went to my friend's house, he's an icon here where i stay, everyone in the industry knows him, and so i thought he's the best person to talk about these things in the same level as me. in terms of profession, that is. he lived in a very posh house, in a very posh condominium, in a very posh area, in a very posh environment. i could go on, but that's another story.

i don't like the feeling when i'm being patronised, i feel uneasy but he said good things about me, that i would never ever realise were true. he admired how good i am in the manner wherein i understand it, in a manner where i can say that: yeah, it makes sense and that he can relate to me because he was like me when he was roughly my age.

but amongst everything, he said one thing that made me think about myself in a different light was when he said i am rare.

it's sad to think that these things about me are true and that i may never know it until if and when i hear it from someone else.

__
Relient K - When I Go Down

i came to the office today, lost and confused from a doubt that had lingered on from last saturday, and sunday, of course. i came and i felt that it's the first time, i've met my colleagues, it is as if i don't know them.

the air in which the room we shared for eight hours seemed to be so still than it was exactly seven days ago. i stared at my work, trying to avoid any conversation from any of my colleagues as they skipped my area avoiding to meet my gaze.

i have been with them for six months now. we've all had our ups and downs throughout that time but i didn't know all of it will be ruined in a few minutes in one day, one day i still can't forget.

i've been brooding all this time, something everyone, maybe including you might have noticed. it's childish i know, but i am shy about these things. my boss asked me to talk to them about this problem but it's not me. i really don't like this feeling.

i hate it because it affects my work. i hate it because i separate myself from them, but i just don't want to be with them right now. i want space, i want respect.

they said they had a talk about this and they feel bad and all pero, that's not the point. i don't want them to feel bad about me, i just want to hear one word and is that so much to ask. i'm being childish but i feel wierd thinking about me talking to them about this because it's not who i am. i'm shy about these things.

my boss said, it's part of being mature because you can't take these problems aside and move on because eventually, it'll go back and you'll end up doing the same thing again. he saw my point, i saw his' but the topic was still so complicated.

i didn't know growing up is this hard.