my mom has a habit of being nice to everyone but her immediate family. you know, the ones she lived with her whole life.  i have found her sisters are like that too.  hence most of my cousins have a horrible habit of being suicidal. 
they have a habit for flocking to those who have external problems while exacerbating the internal problems their own flesh and blood seem to have. 
so one day my mom told me i didnt know life,  her husband was handicapped and her son had down's syndrome and she had to work
ironic
my father is handicapped and my brother had down's syndrome and i had to take care of them
oh ya and my ex was palestinian who had nightmares that made him scream everynight and i had to go to the middle east to witness the horror that is "retribution."
and i do not know life. 
it just shows how little she and pretty much my whole family really know me. 
but if i complain no one would believe me because she has racked up her saintly resume so well that no one would dare question her virtue.  but that pretty much all it is, a list of things done in order for her to prove to herself and the world that she is a good person.
she's sending 100 dollars a month to my cousin so he can send his child to a catholic school
she can't afford that and she knows it.
i know there will be a time when she will just rant and rave how much her life sucks forgetting that she brought much of this on herself by being so "generous."  and i thought i had a hard time saying no to people.  and people can say its none of my business.  ya youre right it isn't until i need her to do something or go somewhere that i already told her about and she won't be able to afford it.  she has no sense of saving money.  none.  yet she totally blames my dad and fate for her situation,  treats my dad like shit and totally blames him for everything and verbally abuses this crippled man who had his entire life vanish before his eyes just before he finished his PhD, while she gives away her money like its nothing.
she is such a blind fool.  the last thing i told her is that she should have gone to get herself some therapy or help so she woudln't be such a raving mad woman at us at home who didn't need to bear the brunt of her anger,  we all had our own problems.  oh and she said she "can't afford it?"  and here she is giving away money.  then when i go back she's going to be miserable and still treating my dad like a scapegoat, an animal.  she doesn't know how to treat him or handle him.  when i took care of him, i, at least, let him keep his dignity.  
she is such a god damn fool.

send off all the appys
i start this new job next week
and now i have two calls from two publishing companies to see about a job
one i've been sending resumes to for over a YEAR!!! and NOW they call
god dammit.

hala 7abibti!

a7lan il my blog.  ya ret ba7ki 3arabi mnee7 bes mish 3arab hon.  hela 7obi min dehli.  howe al helo fil surat.  wala baneseet 3arabi kteeeeer kteeeeeer. biddi your help ma3 kalimat jadid.  tayeb?  ok.
yella
bye

my honey's going to europe for two weeks??? 
what the hell am i going to do for two weeks by myself?  god i dont know how i became so dependent.  that's so bad. 
got a full time job,....yay!  it pays pretty well, enough so i can save up for grad school and all that.  of course i am also in the middle of other interviews for this publishing company i am drooling over i wish they would hurry the FFFFF up!
anyway, off to mail my applications!