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This is my own journal, about me and my life. If you can't handle abuse issues DO NOT READ THIS.

Entry for November 07, 2008: HELP ME PLEASE

I HAVE TO TYPE THIS ALL CAPS SO I CAN SEE CUZ I'M CRYING AND FREAKING
OUT OH GOD HELP ME PLEASE I TOOK MY EMERGENCY MEDS OK I JUST HAVE TO
WAIT IT OUT IT'S 320AM I HAVENT BEEN ASLEEP AND I JUST HAD A VERY LONG
VERY INTENSE VERY FUCKING REAL FLASHBACK

TRIGGERS

TRIGGERS

TRIGGERS

TRIGGERS

TRIGGERS

TRIGGERS

IS ANYONE THERE OH PLEASE SOMEBODY ANYBODY PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!!!!

I KNOW WHY I HAD THIS FLASHBACK, CUZ THERE'S A DEAD FUCKING SPIDER IN
THE BATHROOM THAT I ASKED JASON TO COME OVER AND REMOVE BC I CANT
REACH IT AND I'M SO FUCKING SCARED HE WILL DO SOMETHING LIKE TRY TO
SCARE ME WITH IT AND THIS FLASHBACK IS THE REASON WHY *JASON WOULD
NEVER DO ANYTHING TO HURT ME HE JUST DOESNT UNDERSTAND

OH FUCK I CANT BREATHE OH GOD I WANT TO RUN OUT OF HTE HOUSE AND GO
DRIVING 120MPH TO NOWHERE

I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM - BILLY THAT DEAD ASS MUTHER FUCKER I
HATE HIM!!!!!!!!!!1

HE USED TO TIE ME DOWN OR TRAP ME OR WEDGE ME IN SOMEWHERE AND TORTURE
ME AT ONE POINT IT WAS MULTIPLE TIMES A DAY WHEN I WAS LOCKED IN A
SMALL ROOM. ONE OF THE THINGS HE DID WAS PUT BUGS ON ME. SOMETIEMS
HE FUCKING SMASHED THEM ON ME. MY BIGGEST FEAR ARE JUNE BUGS. I'M
TERRIFIED OF THEM. I SERIOUSLY THINK I WILL DIE IF I SEE ONE.

HE PUT THEM ON ME. HE SMASHED THEIR GUTS ON ME. WITHOUT CLOTHES ON,
ON MY BARE SKIN. HE TRIED TO SHOVE ONE IN MY FACE AND IN MY MOUTH.
ONE TIME HE DID GET A FLY IN MY MOUTH CUZ HE PUSHED ON THAT VERY
PAINFUL PART BELOW THE EAR THAT WILL MAKE YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH TO STOP
THE PAIN

HE WOULD KILL THEM ON ME BY SMASHING THEM INTO ME OR WITH ANYTHING HE
COULD FIND. HE POURED A MILD ACID ON THEM AND ON ME. HE SPRAYED
PESTICIDES TOO. A COUPLE TIMES HE TOLD ME WITH A STEAK KNIFE TO MY
NECK OR CROTCH THAT I HAD TO STAY COMPLETELY STILL AND QUIET OR HE'D
KILL ME OR CUT ME UP

HE WAS SO SICK I CANT TAKE THE TORTURE I CANT TAKE IT I CANT TAKE IT
I CAN NEVER GET PAST IT EVER IT'S TOO MUCH AND I'M TOO OLD AND WORN
DOWN AND IT'S TOO BAD IT'S TOO FUCKING BAD

HE PISSED IN MY MOUTH. HE SHIT IN MY MOUTH. HE SHOVED MY FACE IN HIS
TOILET OVERFLOW WITH SHIT AND PISS IN IT CUZ I SAID HE NEEDED TO CLEAN
UP HIS MESS NOT ME.

HE HIT ME SO MUCH. HE KICKED ME. HE CAUSED MISCARRIAGES AND PIERCE
TO BE BORN FUCKING BRUISED FROM MY BEATINGS SO HELP ME GOD I WILL
NEVER NEVER NEVER FORGIVE HIM FOR HURTING MY BABIES

HE TRIED TO THROW THERON IN A FIRE AND ANOTHER TIME HE THREW PIERCE
OFF A HIGH PORCH ACROSS THE YARD WHEN HE WAS JUST ABOUT TWO MONTHS OLD
AND SOMEHOW LEAPED INTO THE AIR AND CAUGHT HIM IT WAS A MIRACLE. HE
POURED RUBBING ALCOHOL ON THERON AND STOOD THERE WITH A LIGHTER
THREATENING ME I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO SCARED IN MY LIFE

SOMEBODY PLEASE BE THERE I NEVER SELF HARM BUT I FEEL I AM GOING TO
CUZ SOME ONE I DONT KNOW WHO IS MAKING ME IT'S HIM IT'S FUCKING HIM HE
HAS TO TORTURE ME AND HURT ME AND I DONT KNOW IF I CAN STOP IT PLEASE
I DONT DO THIS IT'S NOT ME SOMEBODY HELP ME PLEASE BE THERE
ANYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MEDS SHOULD KICK IN IN 15-20 MINUTES DEAR GOD LET THEM WORK I TOOK A
HUGE DOSE I FREAKED OUT BUT I REMEMBERED THEM

THERE'S SO MUCH MORE TORTURE BUT I DONT WANT TO GET TOO GRAPHIC. HE
PUT THINGS IN ME. AND STUFF IN ME. HE LOVED TO BURN. MY CROTCH IS
ALL SCARRED FROM ACID BURNS AND CIGARETTES. THERE ARE SOME LIGHT
SCARS ALL OVER FROM HIM CUTTING ME. MOST THINGS HE DID DIDNT SHOW.
LIKE IF HE WOULD BEND MY ARM AROUND YOU CANT SEE A SCAR FROM THAT

SOMEBODY ASKED ABOUT MY BACK - HE BEAT ME WITH A BASEBALL BAT. HE
FUCKING BEAT ME W/ A BAT GODDAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY DID HE DO THIS TO
ME HE WAS SO FUCKING SICK AND HE WOULDNT LET ME ESCAPE FOR SEVED
GODDAMN YEARS SEVEN FUCKING YEARS SEVEN YEARS OF HELL OH THANK GOD
HE IS DEAD BUT WHY WONT HE GET OUT OF MY FUCKING HEAD

I'M SO SCARED AND I CANT STOP CRYING AND I CANT BREATHE AND THERE'S
SNOT AND TEARS ALL OVER ME AND I'M SHAKING SO BAD IT'S HARD TO TYPE
BUT I CAN STILL MANAGE IT

PLEASE SOMEBODY HELP ME PLEASE JUST TALK TO ME PLEASE BE THERE DEAR
GOD IF THERE'S A GOD LET SOMEONE BE THERE PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

TIFF AND DIANNA AND SOMEONE ELSE UNKNOWN

Tags: help, please, torture, bugs, knife, flashbacks, abuse, ex, dead Friday November 7, 2008 - 04:03am (CST) Permanent Link | 1 Comment

Entry for November 05, 2008: Kidnapped at 15

hello everyone. i hope you all are well. we have been struggling a lot with our switching and dissociation. but in an effort to heal, we are going to make more effort to tell our life story here on the blog. so today i want to tell you about the kidnapping when we were 15.

my parents clearly diddnt' want us anymore. we were in a lot of trouble all the time as we were being abused and couldnt get away and NOBODY WOULD LISTEN!!! of course we couldnt exactly come out and tell either. it was a horrible hectic frantic desperate time. our parents sent us to CA to live w/ an aunt. we had a week or two until we started the new school so we stayed at home all day. i remember drinking her wine coolers, sitting out in the warm sun..... going to the pool... this was a high class place i thought, in northern Cali. Specifically it was Fair Oaks, which is close to Sacramento.

i dont remember a lot of what happened. this memory is very vague and incomplete. i think that it had to have been one of the more traumatizing things that happened to me since i cant remember so much. anyway i was outside and this man came up to me. i liked the attention of course. being a young teenage girl with a perfect figure and blossoming hormones. i didnt know it was TOO MUCH attention. how would i know after the way i'd lived my life? he asked me to his car for some reason. i followed.

i dont quite rememeber how i got into the car seat the way i was. but regardless, i ended up there, strapped, unable to move bc i was tied up, into the passenger seat. he was very calm. this scared me very badly. i needed more violence to make it right, to know i could survive it. not a calm psychopath killer.

he drove us down to LA - destination san diego then mexico. we drove in his rental car, a beat up 70s shit brown toyota corolla. when we were in beverly hills, he swapped lanes real fast and WHAM! we were hit. he punched the gas and sped off. we lost the guy that hit us. but he pulled over to look at the car and the bumper was just hanging there. he pulled it off and threw it on the lawn of someone's million dollar mansion. off we went again.

the next stop was san diego. i had to go to the bathroom. he had to as well and get gas and other things. i didn't know what to do and he had brainwashed me the entire trip. knowing nobody wanted me, i knew i couldn't go back to my aunt's now. not after just leaving like this (that's what i thought at that time). i was in shock. in a daze, a million thoughts running thru my head.

he knew i had nowhere to run to and he made sure i didnt talk to anyone, just went straight to the bathroom.

i was in there a long time. i was so scared i couldn't come out. maybe he'd go away. maybe i could run somewhere. maybe i could hide? how do i save my ass this time???? i decided to make a run back into the store from the bathroom. i thought if anyone saw me fighting him i could scream and get attention. so i opened the door, ready to run and....

he was gone. he was in the back of a police car being driven away. the clerk told me he had a stolen rental car. i didnt know what to do again. dazed again. the whole time just dissociated so much that i couldn't make good decisions. so i asked the clerk, which way to the beach?

i headed that direction, walking rather aimlessly, and eventualy, sore, hurt, exhausted, starving, and filthy, i found a pier to sleep under. there were people there too. other people that seemed to be sleeping under the stars or something, i didnt know. i saw the ocean and that's what i wanted to see again. i missed it since my childhood.

i cried. i cried. i cried some more. and then i made some friends. they were very unfortunate people, but they were my best and only friends in the world at that time. they took turns going to a charity to get us food once a day. you had to call the place every day. i was so very grateful. i took a shower in the rain that night and froze as the ocean breeze beat against me in teh sand with teh sand fleas and bugs under the pier. i was miserable. but i thought i was going to die this way. in my daze, i didn't care.

it was my turn to go make the phone call. i went to the airport which is right by the beach there in san diego. i asked a nice older lady for a dime or whatever it was to make a call back then. she hesitated. the next thing i knkow, the cops are all over me and i'm arrested for panhandling and begging. yes i was thrown in the san diegoo juvy slammer for that. when they heard my story they let me go to a foster home.

i was treated really bad there. i was a white foster kid in a black family. they hated me. some time went on.... i begged my parents, PLEASE take me back PLEASE!!!! but they would not. i begged my aunt, PLEASE take me back PLEASE!!!! but she would not. finally a judge told my parents that i was THEIR problem, i was the problem of the state of KS not CA and therefore i had to be shipped back home and my parents were once again responsible for me.

yes this is the very short version but you dont need to hear other details. but he never raped me. it was bizarre, i dont know what he wanted to do. i thought maybe he wanted to take me into mexico and marry me? now as i am older and wiser i think it was human child trafficking. but we'll never know.

i was sent back to my unloving parents. some nites i lookedd out at the sky and missed seeing the F14s coming in, landing on the carriers at the SD Naval base at nite. it was so loud with chatter and jets, but so peaceful in my mind. i think that my mind actually shattered again a few times during that experience. after all i did think i was going to die right there. i do have some teen personalities but i have never explored them enough to ask of where they came.

i'm crying now. thinking how bad it hurt that my parents, even under THOSE conditions STILL would not take me back until they were FORCED to. no one ever loved me. no one ever will except my children, whom you all know were taken from me, and my dog. my best friend loves me on some level. but it's all not enough. i can never heal from the love and PROTECTION i missed out on as a child.

maybe i'm doomed to be alone and unloved forever bc of things like this that happened in my life. am i ok with that? i dont know. i used to be. but now.... i dont think so.

tiff

Tags: kidnapping, sandiego, fairoaks, la, foster Wednesday November 5, 2008 - 03:11am (CST) Permanent Link | 2 Comments

Entry for October 01, 2008: Eco-Friendly: Cloth Shopping Bags

I know that many people do not use reusable cloth grocery bags. I do. I find them so much nicer. They hold more groceries. They are sturdy. And it is easy to get into a habbit of grabbing them on the way out the door. It makes carrying your groceries more like carrying a heavy purse, without those plastic bag handles digging into your arms.

If you do use plastic bags, as we do when we occasionally do not have enough cloth bags, PLEASE reuse or recycle them!

The better choice, with so many environmental as well as personal benefits, it to use the cloth bags. I personally have found that Walgreens has these bags for only 99cents. They hold their shape as a paper sack would. Some people do not like the bulkiness of carrying around a bunch of cloth bags, but I find that the Walgreens brand folds just like a paper sack, and you can fold all of your bags into one bag. Other brands or types I have found more expensive and less convenient unless it is a wallet sized fold up bag, useful for laces like a shopping mall, where you do not want to carry your bulky bags around.

According to Newsweek Magazine, the Flip & Tumble folds like a pair of socks into a three inch ball into a spandex pouch. This sells for $12 at FlipAndTumble.com. The nylon ChicoBag folds into it's 3"x4" pouch, can hook onto anything with it's clip, and is machine washable. It sells for only $5 at ChicoBag.com. Finally, the Envirosax comes in 44 different designs, hold 40lbs, and are available for $8.50 at Envirosax.com.

I prefer my 99cent Walgreens bag. But if youre looking for something more stylish or a bit more convenient, these would be the way to go. My suggestion to you is to buy 1 or 2 bags each time you shop at Walgreens until you've built up the supply you need. Remeber, we have to make changes. This one is so easy, and even benefits you since cloth bags are a much better choice over paper or plastic for use and practicality!

Thank you,

Tiff

Do you use cloth shopping bags?

Yes, usually.: 1
No.: 0
I am considering beginning to.: 0

Tags: ecofriendly, environment, clothbags, green, Wednesday October 1, 2008 - 04:33am (CDT) Permanent Link | 1 Comment

Entry for June 14, 2008: The State of the World

i've been catching up on my newsweek's. i'm really upset at the state
of the world. i'm pissed off at the US economy and the shit that GW
gets away with and it seems like nobody cares! HE'S KILLING PEOPLE,
COME ON!!!!!!!!!! i hope he's indicted for murder for every life lost
in iraq and etc.....but you know that will never happen. our soldiers
are getting FUCKED. IT PISSES ME OFF. they dont have good armor and
enough supplies and they're serving 3 or more tours over there and
getting fucked up in the head and injured with NO decent health or
mental health care. HOW CAN THIS BE HAPPENING??? all this going on,
and i am facing a serious crisis with the rise in gas AND FOOD costs.
which are only expected to rise. WHERE IS OUR GOVERNMENT to lead us
out of this recession? OOOOOOOOH, that's right, they all own oil so
they're not feeling it and don't care.

then i start thinking how unbelievably lucky we are. how lucky YOU
are. we could live in china or burma.....both oppressive governments
and countries of the TRULY POOR (not like our poor) and then they get
hit with an earthquake and a cyclone? THEY PERSEVERE BECAUSE THEY
HAVE TO. yet i, with a little fucked up shit in my past, have a
fractured mind bc i was too fragile to handle it. our problems don't
seem that significant when they pale in comparison to the
world's......yet they seem to hurt US so bad. are we ungrateful? are
we spoiled? just.....why does it hurt so bad.......when so many
millions of our brothers and sisters suffer so much worse? i hurt for
them too.....

tiff

Saturday June 14, 2008 - 04:32am (CDT) Permanent Link | 1 Comment

Entry for May 06, 2008: I is a poet yo.

MY THERAPIST TOLD ME TO LOVE MYSELF

BY TIFF

my therapist told me to love myself

she didnt say which part

so like the good client i am

i gave it my best start.

i looked myself up and down

but ne'er did i see

nothing but i did was frown

except below the knee

and there it was just looking

with the love only we could know

something was a cookin'

with me and my big toe.

it wiggled at me and i winked back

and this was the beginning here

i felt so sorry for that hammer whack

i'd given it just last year.

it forgave me out of the love we knew

i saw a twinkle on the nail

a sparkle in my loving eyes too

my heart peeked out from behind it's veil.

oh big toe, big toe,

a ring i'll get you to wear

no one can ever know

the deep love we do now share.

and if you're ever chopped off i fear

others would just look aghast.

i would still carry you on a keychain, dear

hooked against my pants.

*photo is my BSG Raider*

Tuesday May 6, 2008 - 05:40pm (CDT) Permanent Link | 3 Comments

Tiff

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