Once again, Hilda decided she'd had enough of a vacation and invaded the beloved LeatherWorld.......

Oh yes, the day I had today was nothing short of excruciating....It just wasn't worth chewing the straps to get myself free. It started out ok.. I slept till almost noon, got up, smoked a cigarette, then went back to bed for another hour and a half.. didn't bother to go to the courthouse like I was supposed to. (And there's a story there....)

My little brother.. (yes that one)... and his counterpart were living with me for a few months as you all know. I filed my divorce papers while they were living here and had the ex served. The counterpart said he would fill out the proof of service for me (the divorce is basically mutual so it was no big deal). Well, the counterpart didnt bother to tell me he didn't know how to fill out.. he basically bullshitted his way through it (a characteristic that I now realize he uses QUITE often...) and he didnt fill out the paper correctly (unbeknownst to me until I recieved all of my paperwork back in the mail with a notice saying it was not filled out correctly and my divorce was now out there in la-la-land somewhere until I could do it right and get this second phase filed). SOOOOOO... I get hold of my friend shannon that I used to work with, she says she'll fill it out so I can file it and everything will go through before we have to go to court on monday. I have to have this paperwork filed before I get to court... slept in till noon, didnt get it filed...yea go figure. Par for the course.

I gotta go to work so I'm sittin here talkin to the ex cuz he brought me a sandwich and we were stuffin our faces and talkin. I go to get ready for work, he leaves, says he'll be back to get the kids later. I say ok and head for the shower.. get myself ready, walkin out the door.. all is ok.. get in my car....

Oh Hilda you fuckin hag....... car ain't startin. About 2 months ago, the ignition fucks up in the mustang. I call the ex.. he comes over, fixes it. But now it doesnt work correctly and I have to mess with it when I take the key out so the radio will stay OFF. This eventually drained the battery because I turned the car off and didnt hear the stereo come back on once.. figured it was all good - radio was on all night but the volume was turned down so nobody heard it - Went to go to work the next day... the battery is completely drained, happened again.. battery was toast.. I got a new battery. Ok another problem solved in LeatherWorld and all is well.... till today. Ignition took a shit, cylinder is toast, and I'm fucked. (Can't get to work which results in an unexcused absence - which in turn goes on my record - which in turn, fucks me over for a promotion to department manager because you can't have any marks on your record if you are trying for a promotion -- oh goodie, I am so damned pleased with this now that I passed my dept mgr test this last week). Yea, I'm lookin for Hilda so I can give the bitch an enema with that broom she uses for transportation.

I call the ex.. almost yelling at him bout the ignition. He says he'll see what he can do...I TRY not to lose my mind over this and the state of my employment.. Call my manager and hear the words "Not good, Leather" - So, ya know my last nerve is in shreds already. Phone rings... its my two oldest offspring.. "Hey Mom, are you leaving for work anytime soon???" I tell them "Not anymore, car is dead as a doornail..why arent you on the bus headed home?".. well we missed the bus and are stuck at school. (perfect). So, I tell the ex and now he has to go get them. (At least he was off work or they'd have been sleeping at school till morning). He gets them..gets over here, with a new ignition in his hand.. telling me he spent the money he was supposed to use to secure his spot for the company fishing trip which falls on his birthday... oh goodie, now I have this added to my already excruciating headache. I just looked at him and raised an eyebrow.. he scurried out the door to fix the car. (The man is NOT stupid, he was married to me for 134 yrs, he knows what that look means)

The ignition gets fixed, the car starts.. my head hurts and I feel like just going back to bed and forgetting about everything.. he leaves after a long talk with our oldest offspring about her attitude and bullshit she's been pulling around him... things are calming down a tad.. head is starting to feel slightly less painful than being hit by a speeding train.... sittin at the computer talkin to a friend about all this shit...

I hear... "you are a MASTERPIECE!...".. I turn to look and there's my Fatso.. the baby of the family.. talking to................

................... his hamburger. He has just accomplished the most wonderful thing that an 8 yr old boy can possibly accomplish in his young life. He has just finished making his own hamburger with no help from anyone in the house.. he is now talking to it..."you are a masterpiece..the ultimate burger..now I shall eat you...." He toddles into the living room, plops himself in front of the tv, turns on Jimmy Neutron and proceeds to stuff his little face..he is a happy little guy. I see this little scenario and cannot help but laugh myself silly. Ain't it great how an 8 yr old and his hamburger can just melt your troubled day into nothingness??

Gotta love my fatso! lol

Well, I went to work Wednesday and it appeared that Hilda the fuckup fairy saw the paint incident with my van and decided my life needed a little more... lol. My vehicles were not included in this one, although it did take me just as long to clean it all up.

Wednesday night was fairly uneventful at work until it was 10 minutes before I had to clock out. Every night before I leave, it is my job to check the colorant. I get out the little block I use to make myself tall enough to see inside the cylinders on the paint machine, step up there, see that I have 3 cylinders to fill up. First cylinder gets filled with no problem...second cylinder is getting filled.. I open the can of colorant, dump it in there... go to put the lid back on..and guess what.... the cylinder is filled to about 1/8 of an inch from the top..(dammit) not enough room to put the lid back on without getting colorant all over the place. Night crew is already running around stocking shelves, so I call one of em over to see if they have any ideas since I have about 7 minutes till I have to clock out. He says maybe I could get a towel and dip it in there to soak up the extra colorant... can't do that cuz it will contaminate the entire cylinder - so that's a no-go.

Now here's where Hilda stepped in... my braincells weren't operating in the logic department, she took over. I get some towels, thinking I'll put the lid back on and let the excess colorant run out the sides and I'll just wipe it up. (yea, no problem) I proceed with the plan.. (not realizing how fucked up it really is until its too late.) I put the lid back on, watch the colorant ooze out the sides.. one side is all good.. other side has now created a puddle which is running down to the bottom of the cylinder past the towel barracade and onto the round platform of the cylinder merry-go-round. I've created a waterfall of white colorant that is now making its way to the opening in the platform and not dripping but RUNNING in a steady stream onto the tool box, inside the tape gun, and onto the floor below the merry-go-round... (wonderful) I move my foot to avoid the waterfall, my nightshift counterpart is lookin at the waterfall and saying "hmm..I think we need more towels" with a silly grin on his face. I said.. "It could be a good idea." He gets the towels and tries to do what he can.. I'm grabbing stuff away from the waterfall and the colorant is now in a pool at my feet..and still oozing out of the cylinder. As I continue to try to clean it up.. my counterpart has abandoned the operation and disappeared down the aisle - all I can hear is him saying something bout he's outta there and I'm on my own. (Thanks alot ya pansy... lmao)

I look at the mess I've created..I'm now late clocking out.. there's nobody in maintenance at this time of night so I couldnt even shove it off on someone else... I continue the operation. I get a majority situated but the cylinder is still oozing and I can't stand around babysitting it so I come up with another plan. It was a really good plan too..and if I'd done it in the first place it would have worked much better. I think.. hey dumbass, all ya gotta do is shoot the colorant back into the damn can it came out of..problem solved right? I grab the can and open it up, pleased with my genius idea..... put the can below the colorant spout...lift the measuring lever, pull it down... nothin happens. (I do not bother to wonder why because I'm already in danger of gettin in trouble for not clocking out on time).. I do it again..lift up, push down..and I notice that I'm not holding down the release lever correctly. (Try it again stupid)... lift up.........push down....................

The only thing that could be heard on the east side of the store was my voice saying "OH SHIT!!!"

The projectile line of colorant squirted out the side of the cylinder at the speed of light. The two pumps of the lever created a backlash of air and shot it into the cylinder, instead of shooting the colorant out the bottom..... A paintball gun could not have done a better job nor could it have made a bigger mess. I nailed the phone, the side of the wall, the floor, and the line of colorant stopped about 4 inches short of the spray paint display in the aisle just over the wall.(I'd pay money for the security cam videos on that one). The night crew is now staring at the scene laughing hysterically. I'm already covered in white colorant up to my elbows, I turn around to them all standing across the aisle and said.. shut up you! Now I'm laughing too... gotta clean this shit up. I get it all situated after about 10 more mins, here comes the night manager...she looks at me, sees my hands covered in colorant..asks about it.. I got as far as 'well, ya know, I kinda overloaded the...." she throws her hands up in the air and walks away saying "I really don't need to know, Leather..." - this sends the peanut gallery into fits of laughter once again.. I go back to cleaning... one more colorant cylinder to fill up... (shit). I grab the can opener and go to open it... the BRIGHT YELLOW colorant sprays up my right arm.. I grab a towel and wipe it off.. (this shit is super concentrated).. and now I look jaundiced on one arm.... (fuck me)

I managed to get finished, head to the back to clock out.. two of the truck crew guys see me and start to say something.. I passed them shaking my head saying "don't fuckin ask".. they're laughin.. I clock out 20 mins late, clean myself up in the bathroom (for all the good it did) and head to my car..... thinking to myself "maybe I shouldnt try to drive tonite"......

Yes, Hilda had a fuckin blast!! lmfao. Only in LeatherWorld... Only in LeatherWorld

Yes.. it was fun night

Ever woke up to the sound of someone's voice and just knew that when you got outta bed, you'd need to take your sense of humor with you? Those of you with more than one child understand exactly what I'm talking about, I'm sure....lol. So, get this......

Yesterday, I'm snoozing comfortably, in and out of consciousness while the kids fight over the bathroom to get ready for school, trample in and out of my room to borrow my bathroom because Bel and Hollywood are taking up the main bathroom and refuse to vacate - Triple 6 and Fatso come whining into my room and go into my bathroom - I said "what are you guys doing?"...lift my head up, see 6 at the toilet, his little brother standing near the tub..say "No peeing in the tub!" (cuz if I dont say it and Fatso has to go really bad - he won't wait for his brother to finish - yes it's happened before) The boys inform me that the girls refuse to vacate their bathroom so they are using mine instead... my head goes back to the pillow, the boys leave the room, I can now hear various insults and ramblings coming from all 5 children as they go to leave the house. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.. all is now quiet.

UNTIL......

Melonhead slams the door open, runs into my room, yelling something in her shrill and shreiking manner..and my head almost explodes.. so I look at her and say "Please stop screaming, I can't understand what you're saying".... so she looks at me, rolls her eyes, and says slowly..."Someone painted the van". I said "WHAT!" (now we have switched places) and she repeats it.. SLOWLY..... "Someone painted the van." I get up, head for the door.... do a 180, go back to my room, get my pants on, head for the door again..... get out to the van only to hear the neighbor from across the street say "OTHER SIDE!"... so I walk to the other side and there it is..nice big white capital letters on the side of my van... 'CALL ME"... I touch the paint - it's already dry... I'm standing out there in my pajamas, in front of the neighbors, shaking my head, "Shit, this is lovely." I head back inside the house.

Plant myself in my chair.. theres no going back to sleep now... grab a cigarette, get some soda, pick up the phone and call my friend .... "How do you get spray paint off of a vehicle?" He says..."Uh-oh, what happened?" I tell him the story, he says I'll be there in awhile.

An hour later we're out there with rubbing compound scrubbing this shit off my van. Crackin jokes to make the reality of the situation seem less painful. I looked at him and said... "Ya know, I should get a sign and leave it on the van with a message saying You didn't leave your number, so I called you an Asshole instead."

Ahhhh, the sarcasm of Leatherworld... its a great place to live!! lmao