All hockey players whether they are seasoned professionals or rookies, whether pro-boxers or wimps have to follow specific guidelines whilst fighting.
You could almost suggest that it is a secret ‘code’ in which to fight by.
This ‘code’ is not written in any NHL Rulebook, Referee Guideline or Holy Bible. It is simply a collection of rules that all players unknowingly agree by when they face each other in mortal combat.

But what are these ‘rules’?


SECTION 1 – RULES OF ENGAGEMENT

- 1.1 : A fight may be started for any one (or combination) of the following reasons: anger, hatred, boredom, to fire up your team, to fire up the other team, a bet, a dare, to show the world you have balls, to feel like a man, or any direct order from God.

- 1.2 : To start a fight, the antagonist must first pick a likely candidate who is not larger, tougher, or has had previous experience in boxing. Those that contraindicate these terms are either extremely brave or excessively stupid.

- 1.3 : Once the antagonist has picked his opponent, it is customary to push him repeatedly whilst convincing him into fighting (known to fans as ‘trash-talking’).
An acceptable phase to use is the following example:
(Spoken in a Queen’s English accent) “I say dear sir, would thou’st partake in a bout of fisticuffs on this fine evening?”
To which the opponent may reply: “Thy will gladly accept thou challenge of a sporting duel. En gárde my fellow adversary”.

- 1.4 : It is then necessary for both players to drop the BOTH gloves simultaneously to the ice. Failure to drop them at the same time means that they will lose respect in the eyes of their parents.

- 1.5 : At this point, it is mandatory to skate the required 2 ¼ circles around each other.
..- 2 ½ circles is too much.
..- 1 ¾ circles is too little.
..- 3 circles is completely wrong.
..- It has to be 2 ¼ because otherwise it will not be considered a true hockey fight (and both players lose brownie points).

- 1.6 : After 1 full circle has been skated by both players, the referee will blow the whistle to stop the hockey game in progress. This is so that their team-mates can go to the concession stand and pick up some popcorn and soda to watch the performance.

- 1.7 : Immediately after the whistle has been blown, both fighters MUST put up both fists and do the best Mohammed Ali impression they possibly can. Not only does this excite the fans, but Mohammed Ali is actually watching them very carefully Don’t believe me? See a Wade Belak fight!

- 1.8 : Once 2 ¼ circles have been successfully skated and the Mohammed Ali impressions have been completed, the fight may now begin within a 10 second rest period from doing all that pointless stuff beforehand.


SECTION 2 – RULES OF FIGHTING

- 2.1 : To start the fight, it is customary for one of the opponents to reach out and grab the other opponents arm in order to immobilize him from using it to hit. However, that means that both combatants will only be able to use one arm, when it is clearly advantageous to use two.

- 2.2 : The object of the game is to cause pain and torture to the opponent by using the fists only. This can be achieved by repeatedly striking your opponent in any place that hurts. The following is not allowed: use of the stick, use of the helmet, guns, pepper spray, the neighbors’ dog and/or music by Barbara Streisand.

- 2.3 : The following criteria must be met in order for a successful hockey fight to have proceeded: 12 hits to the opponents helmet, 7 hits to the face and 15 hits to any other part of the opponents body which may include stomach, sides, shoulders, back, and groin.

- 2.4 : Note to players: The fans do not care if you are in pain after hitting your opponents helmet 7 times – you must carry on pointlessly hitting their helmet until the required number of helmet hits have been reached.

- 2.5 : Whilst pummeling the opponent, it is encouraged that the player look as if they are possessed (as per ‘The Exorcist’). This will let the fans know which fighter is technically superior. Shooting bile from the mouth is optional.

- 2.6 : In a hockey fight, it is customary to give a beating, then take a beating, then give one, then take one etc. The NHL runs a training course in conjunction with the WWE for players who want to rig fights in order to look good.

- 2.7 : If a player clearly does not know how to fight, it is wise to flail any remaining free arm out in a random motion towards the opponent to make it look like they know what they’re doing … even though it is blatantly clear to everyone else that they don’t.

- 2.8 : If a player is clearly losing the fight, they may tie up their opponent and perform a Judo throw to make it look like they actually won the fight by throwing their opponent to the ice. However, this is blatantly known in the hockey world as ‘chickening-out’ and whilst most fans will be fooled into cheering, it is in fact a very lame way to end a fight.

- 2.9 : A fight is officially won by a player:
..- if they draw blood from the opponent,
..- if they completely knock their opponent out
..- if they do a fine job of a dentist by collecting teeth
..- if they break something
..- if they manage to pull a ‘wedgie’ on their opponent
..- if they can successfully sing ABBA’s ‘Mamma Mia’ without stoppage during the fight.
..- if any of them can lick their own elbow.
..- throwing the opponent to the ice does not count.

- 2.10 : Referees will typically stop the fight after 53 seconds because they are boring and they want something to do to feel important. At this point both the referee and the linesmen will attempt to break up the fight. A player may use this opportunity to take another couple of hits at their opponent whilst they are not looking.


SECTION 3 – RULES OF THE AFTERMATH

- 3.1 : After the fight has been stopped by the referees – it is imperative that both fighters must not hit the referee or linesmen. They are pretty creatures and value their facial appearance. So any form of contact will be awarded with a Game Misconduct penalty and a severe butt-spanking from Gary Bettman (and nobody wants that).

- 3.2 : To serve the penalty, the player must skate in a half-assed manner towards the penalty box whilst trying to give the impression that none of those senseless beatings hurt. This is especially the case even if the player is in severe pain and ‘wants his Mommy’.

- 3.3 : As a player, you must not pick up any of your equipment, teeth, spleen, eyes or fecal matter. A fellow team-mate will do that for you.

- 3.4 : Whilst in the penalty box, kudos points will be awarded for ‘trash-talking’ to the opponent, even though there is 10 feet of distance and 2 panels of plexi-glass separating both players. A suitable example of ‘trash talking’ may include the following: (again spoken in a Queen’s English accent)
“T’was a jolly good struggle you put up my good fellow. Would thou’st participate in another sparring-contest once thee and thou hath vacated the mandatory sitting area?!”

- 3.5 : Once the penalty has been served, if the opponent accepts the challenge; they may leave the penalty box and start the whole process again.

Love the Hockey hits!

It’s hockey time again!!! I hope all my fellow hockey fiends are enjoying the return of the season. Hockey games during the week and some football on the weekends…can life get any better?

High sticking, tripping, slashing, spearing, charging, hooking, fighting, unsportsmanlike conduct, interference, roughing... everything else is just figure skating.