I have found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said, "Journeys end in lovers meeting". (sigh) What an extraordinary thought. Personaly, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I'm more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I'm constantly amazed by it's sheer power alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said, "Love is blind". Now THAT is something I know to be true.

For some quite inexplicably, love fades.

For others, love is simply lost.

But then of course, love can simply be found... even if just for the night.

And then there's another kind of love,.... the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. It's called unrequited love. Of that, I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories? Those of us who fall in love alone. We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones, the unloved ones, the walking wounded, the handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space. Yes you are looking at one such individual and I have willingly loved men for all my miserable adult years. The absolute worst years of my life. The worst Christmases, the worst birthdays, New Year's Eves, brought in by tears and Tylenol. These years that I've been in love, have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with men who don't and will not love me back. (sigh) Just the thought of them,... heart pounding, throat thickening, all the usual symptoms.

What am I to do?

I guess I'll wrap my coat around me, with the leaves falling around me and walk the streets in the gathering dark...... and wait for that day when the sun finally shines upon me.

It's been 4 months since my last entry, I figured it's time to let everything out about what's been happening to me lately. I had an epiphany while away and realized that yes, I knew I felt very lonely,.... I just never did anything to heal the pain from within. And so, I put an ad out on Craig's List in the personals section just to get my feet wet, and decided to start seeking a significant other. After 258 replies, I came across John. A 36 year old single white male, 6'2", blonde hair, blue eyes and very much a gentleman. On our firs date, he came with a box of Godiva chocolates and took me to dinner and we had a lovely time. The second date came and we kissed and cuddled on the couch. All of the sudden as I asked him when will I see him again," I don't know, ....I feel like you're at that level where I'm not yet."

Then while on his way home, I emailed him stating this:

When I begin to dread the days of unconcievable loneliness as the holidays approach. Granted, I really love this time of year when the leaves fall, the colors change, the air is crisp and the smell of Autum is in the air. But it would be even better if I had someone to share it with. In the past 3 months that I've not written in this blog, I've done a little soul searching about what my purpose in life is and what do I really want to do with it.

My conclusion is to start concentarting on me, the things within my true inner self that will finally make me happy and stop concentrating on the fact that I have no one in my life. I've decided to seriously loose 100 pounds while working on myself, and put my whole concentation on this new job that was offered to me. To be honest with you, I got to the point that I'm just so sick of myself worrying so much about having someone special in my life, when *I* am the special one that everyone else needs to notice.

You know how we all want to accomplished things before we turn 40? Well I am definately one of those people who doesn't want life to pass me by just because I feel like such a late bloomer in life. I just finished watching Shopgirl for the umpteenth time and realized that I'm exactly like Mirabelle Buttersfield; searching to find connections with others with alot of near misses, but never finding love that's unconditional and most of all reciprocal towards her. As she walks away from those who do not give her these traits, she wants them to feel their loss and ask themselves,....How is it possible to miss this woman that they kept at a distance so that when she was gone, they would not miss her. Only then will they realize that wanting only part of her and not all of her, had hurt them both. And how these men cannot justify their actions except that well,....it was life.

And so, I begin my journey. In the meantime if you would like to take a walk with me through this journey, please watch Shogirl and you will understand my true meaning of wanting and longing to be loved with honest and true reciprocation.

(please read while listening http://thelakehouse.warnerbros.com)

For the past couple of days I've been watching this movie over and over again. Most of it revolves around Jane Austin's Persuasion; two people who had the right love at the wrong time, but meet again to see if the time was right for them to finally be together again. I myself feel that I've recently experienced these trials and tribulations, but the the only difference is that I'm always the one losing the one I want to love. This has made me look from within to see what's wrong with me to the point that I let my insecurities make me feel like I'm never worthy enough to have someone love me for who I am, no matter what my flaws may be.

Okay so I'm not the average girl who has long flowing hair, built with feminine traits that would attract any man that has eyes that would only see these things and nothing else as beautiful. But I'm also so tired of men seeing me as just a sexual being that cannot see beyond having a relationship with me. Being a woman of color who's background is from the islands of Barbados and is attrachted to white men, have found that this has happened to me many of times in my life. Most have called me the worst online; transvestite,....not feminine enough, and the most worst, "You look like a man".

I try not to pay these assholes any mind, for their ignorance towards the subject that pertains to beauty is completely distorted by what society's perception of what beautiful should look like. But in the end, no matter what,....these words do really hurt deeply. And so, I try very hard to live up to those standards in order for myself not to be alone anymore, wear the right clothes, put makeup on my face before walking out the door, look as feminine as can be, for loneliness is the worst feeling in the world you could ever feel besides heartache. Oh don't worry, I know deep down inside that the most important thing is your true inner self. Whithout that, you're nothing to anyone,....not even yourself. I just wish that it doesn't have to be this way in order for a man to see how passionate, loving and beautiful I am inside,...that he's missing out on how life could be if he had me, a woman who's down to earth, ambitious, willing to sacrifice anything to make a realtionship work because I know that's what it has to take sometimes in order for it to work and is willing to give uncoditional love.....he would truly be and feel blessed.

But how can I stop always being the persuer because I long for love like everone else does but is tired of persuing the dream of someone that might not be? I would be in absolute joy and tears if a man could see me for who I really am with me not trying so hard or at all to persue him, come to me after getting to know me and say, "I feel love for you, I know you may not feel the same right now and that's fine but, I like loving you...it's selfish, it makes me feel good and,....I have to love somebody. I'm not looking for another lifetime, I already had one. As long I can be with you,....do for you,.....nothing's perfect."