Many of us came to renewal years before. Many of us got His first miraculous touch long time back. When many of us look back, we may find an energetic us in those beginning days of life with Lord than that of today’s. Well, I am not sure about yours; but I am sure about mine. Today, even after many years of life in renewal, I find myself growing weary in day to day struggles much sooner than ever before. The faith I once hold so close to my heart seemingly lost its power! The prayers I once used to say so carefully deep from my heart now happened to be mere exercises of obligations. And many a times I end up wondering does God exits and even if He exits, does He understands and loves me.

I know many are struggling in their prayer life. I also come across many who are struggling in the area of faith. I also understand that many even doubt in the love and mercy of our Loving Lord. Well, it is so heart-aching when knowing that all of us who are feeling so abandoned and lost today were once the burning souls in the love and mercy of Lord.

Many of us go to bed asking ourselves questions like those given here… Why this? How can this happen to me? Why my life going upside down even though I am struggling so hard to stand with Lord? Did God abandon me? Where I went wrong? … Didn’t you? Well I did. Thank goodness, I got recently an answer on where I went wrong!!! It is given in Revelation 2: 2-5.

“I know your works, your difficulties and your patient suffering. I know you cannot tolerate evildoers… You have preserved and have suffered for my name without losing heart. Nevertheless, I have this complaint against you: you have lost your first love. Remember from where you have fallen and repent, and do what you used to do before.”

The verses give the picture of a God who sees our struggles and sufferings. Of course, He acknowledges those. Still, He has a complaint towards many of us that “we don’t love Him anymore in the way we used to love Him.” He not only mentioned me of my first love, but also of my first faith and trust. Probably, the complaint from God may not be a mere complaint, but a cry of Him deep down from His heart wishing for our love and love alone. Sure, God’s eagerness and cry to be united in love with us is not new. There are numerous examples in the Bible. In Hosea 6:6, we see a God who is thirsting and eagerly waiting for our love and nothing else. The gift of the Christ to humankind showed His perfectness of love for us.

For those who struggle in faith and life today even after experiencing His mercy and love once, couldn’t this cry of our Lord be meaningful? Didn’t we lose our first love? Didn’t we misplace our first faith and trust? O.K., I don’t know about you, but certainly I know on me that I lost my first love in the busy schedule of my daily life.

I do remember a Jaison who used to wake up every morning searching on the bed for the rosary he was holding during his sleep. I do know a Jaison who started his days in prayer; saying good morning to the Lord Almighty. I do remember vividly the numerous instances of two little hands of a sweet cute child rising upwards to the heaven asking God to stop rain in pretty rainy season/times so that he can go out of his house for his various needs. And I realize today that I did stop rains in those days lifting up my small hands and heart. Not only the rain, but also the diseases too stopped before my prayers, I remember. To cite a small incident, it was during my final year school exams, I stuck with a fever; a temperature of 102-104 degree centigrade. The very next day I had an exam of a subject which stayed constantly as the toughest one for last 3 years of my school life. In midst of my utter tension, what I did that day was, I took a full body bath in the cold water, completely shivering and crying out for a miracle from God. And after that bath, I stood helplessly in front of the picture of St. Sebastian and asked him to intercede to Lord for me. The result was miraculous. The fever didn’t go that day; still I woke up next day from bed alright and went for exam without my final revision. Interestingly, the Lord not only took care of my fever, but also of my results. For the subject, for which I barely passed for the last 3 years of my school, I came up with a first class mark in the final public exam!!! Sure the academically claimed and scientifically oriented community (which includes me too) today could say that my claims are huge blunders and I am living in the world of illusion. But I choose to believe that those were miracles. I choose to put my complete trust and faith in Lord. Yes, I choose to believe that it was He only who granted and fulfilled each and every simple prayers that arose from my little heart.

Today when I look back, I have lost almost all those small faith. Where I went wrong? May be, I went wrong when I started weighing Lord with my intellect and rationality. May be I went wrong, when I replaced my love for God with that for friends and fame. May be I went wrong, when I started acting so mature not to humble down in front of Lord and seek Him like a child.

But, we are so lucky enough always to go back to the Father and say Him that “Abba, I am lost and please help me out.” We are so blessed to have a God who never judges us; but always accept us as what we are. Let this moment be a moment of grace for those who lost their first love towards Him. As mentioned in Revelations 2:5, we always have the option to turn back to Him and stay blessed. He is eagerly waiting like the Father of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15) looking out for our return. He is crying out for our love (Hosea 6:6). Well, the question now is: Are you listening?

United in the Love of Christ and Mary,

N.B.: The picture used in the posting is by "aspheric.lens" which he has generouly put under Creative Commons Licenses. Thank You

It has been a few months since I successfully completed my M.Phil. from Indian Institute of Technology Bombay with flying colors. Nothing would have been possible without your valuable prayers and support.

When I reached Mumbai two years before, I thought I would study better and work harder to come up with a very good thesis. I thought I would live a better life; witnessing Christ for all the mercy and success He has showered in my life.

Time flew faster than I imagined. I had to submit my final thesis in July 2008. And by the beginning of April 2008, I realized that I am in a dead lock situation in my research with a lot of problems in methodology I was using, data set I was handling and so on. A bit of procrastination had worsen the situation to an extend that I have ever imagined. As the days passed by, I started getting a panic attack. The month of April was over, and the month of May was almost over. But my situation in the research side had not seen much improvement. Instead, for the first time in my life, if my memory is correct, I started getting serious sleep deprivation. I wished to sleep, but never could I. Many a days in the month of May and June especially, I slept for one and a half hour to three hours maximum, but one could not call those as sleep as I was most of the time awake in my mind; as my mind was keep on working.

I could see the big hands of an utter failure by the beginning of the month June. I was desperate, looking for a way out. Though I was meeting my guide frequently, I was so scared and shy to say to my Professor my true situation. I was hopeful, I could make come up with a way out. The pressure was so high because I was expecting a very good result, but things turned upside down somehow. The people around me never realized what was happening in me and there were a bunch of people including my family and teachers expecting a wonderful outcome. When nothing started working, I even thought of leaving Mumbai secretly. Much worse, in those months for a few times, I even thought of a suicide. But Thank God; I had the conviction that a suicide is not answer to any problem.

Today when I look back, I am so amazed and surprised on how Lord God has helped me walking through those sleepless nights.

Personally it was a very tough time. My spirituality was also so down. I read and think a lot and in those days, I got into a very bad attitude towards the Holy Bible. But today with a lot of conviction, I can say that 'the Word of God' had a greater role in building me up to what I am at present. I clearly remember the days from my graduation (say around 6 years back) I used to sleep hugging the Bible on the days of my troubles especially. But to a greater extent, I have lost that source in the days of my troubles during my M. Phil. as I got derailed in my spirituality and faith in Bible.

Yet, I clung to the Eucharist as much as I could with my limited ability and doubtful mind. Though I was doubtful in mind and I have gone away from Lord, I realise today that my Faithful God keeps on loving me. Even I abandoned the Lord, He didn't. And I realize that He could not; ever.

Back to my academic story. So many things happened in the last two-three months. I finally met guide in the first week of June said what my situation is. Thanks to Soneychechi (An Elder at Mumbai Jesus Youth) for that day, because she was one among the few persons who gaven me courage to do that "Scary Act of Reveling My True Situation". After my reveling, my guide didn't fire me. She listened carefully to me. Asked me for the possible way outs? And thank God, I have one. Interestingly the idea I suggested got evolved only on that very early morning I talked to my Professor; actually I woke up with that idea that morning. She liked that idea. But the problem was that I had to get few more data sets, had to do few more scientific reviews and familiarize with the new methodology. In short, there were numerous works to do in a span of a month! To show the extent of deep trouble I got into, let me say that, I have taken around half an year to familiarize with the earlier methodology I was abandoning. But later I find that God has already arranged all things for me in a beautiful way. I got easy access to data sets as the IIT subscribed to my needed database in those troubled days! More beautifully, I could access them from my Hostel Room. All the software and methodological problems got sorted out beautifully.

Long story short, I did submit my final thesis on time; up to the satisfaction of my Guide and myself. I gave the presentation and defended my thesis successfully in front of my examiners. A comment from one of my examiner was like this: "Clear and Crispy". Much more I got a perfect score for my thesis: 10/10.

Wait, the miracle was not over yet. A few days after I realized that I am the topper in my batch. And the difference between me and the second topper is 0.01 points! Could you believe that a person who was an utter failure about two-three months back has emerged as a topper? I could not. I could not...

This mail is a small testimony of mine to the JY Mumbai family. I am still saying that nothing could be possible for me without the mercy of God and your intercessions. A lot of people prayed for me... A lot, I know. Thanks to all.

And I honestly love to thank on this occasion a few wonderful persons of God in a very special way. Thanks to Soneychechi (an JY Animator and Elder at Mumbai) who kept a track on me like a loving Mom. Her timely scoldings, advices, phone calls, and intercession; those were a channel of grace for me of course. Long talks with Binu Chettan (An Elder at Mumbai; He was always there to give me an ear in my two years of life in Mumbai) as well as some chatting with Joppen Chettan (An Elder at Mumbai) really helped me to look forward in my personal and spiritual life. How can I forget Fr. Francis (Spiritual Director, JY Mumbai) for his helps? When I went to him with doubts he has taken his precious time to listen to me and talk to me as a loving brother and a wonderful teacher. Joe James, one of my best friend and a heavenly gift to Mumbai Jesus Youth, was always with me; praying for me and talking to me especially in my difficult days. Another gift God has given me in those days was 'the Powai JY Prayer Group'. I was so irregular for this weekly group for a long time. Yet, all of them including Victor and Arun have supported me through their prayers. They never failed to give me a beautiful smile whenever they see me.

All Glory to God who has showered all His blessings upon me. Without Him, I would be nothing.

On the other day I was watching a film – “What a Girl Wants”. There is a scene in that film which caught my attention and Lord has given me some reflections later on that which I love to share.

Libby was forced to leave her husband’s home in her early days with him. She was pregnant when she left the home. After long 17 years, her husband met her and reconciled, due to the efforts of their daughter. While he met her, very passionately and from heart he said her apology. She replied very emotionally “You think I waited 17 years for an apology?” And they reconciled and joined together once again for ever. Beautiful, isn’t it?

We are about to finish one more Easter season. All of us are observing the lent or at least trying to observe the lent a bit more meaningful than ever. Many are offering our small gifts made of our sacrifices in various ways. Many of us have done confessions already and waiting for a blessed Holy Week and thereafter. A few among us are still waiting to make our annual confessions. Whatever it is, we all are preparing and trying to repent, confess and comeback to Jesus once again.

I was making a conscience check up some days before. I found a lot of grey areas, kept hidden from Lord. I also realized that may areas which I have opened up and surrendered to Jesus at the time of my last confession are again taken back and kept in the dark areas. I even realized that before the joy of honeymoon/friendship gets into full swing, I have kicked out Jesus from many areas of my life.

The fate of the Lord, Abba Father is something similar to that of Libby in the film which I above mentioned. We have invited Abba many a times to our lives, surrendered everything, shown HIM our palace and ask HIM to stay with us in our heart. Believing us each time, with so much happiness and joy Abba enters our hearts. Soon most of us, even before losing the freshness of the newly stated friendship, kicked HIM out of our heart due to various reasons. Even if we haven’t kicked HIM out, we have taken HIM to a corner of our heart. Poor Abba, HE stayed there in the darkness, hoping and expecting that one day we will visit HIM again and love HIM with full heart.

As we are entering the Holy Week, as we are once again cleaning and opening up our hearts to Lord and saying an apology, remember that this time HE is asking you and me the same question “Do you think that I have waited this much long for an apology?” This time, Lord wishes us and invites us to go beyond the level of an apology to the level of love. In the film it was the small sacrifices of Libby’s daughter made the reconciliation possible. In the matter of our relationship with Lord, it is the biggest sacrifice ever made, it is the suffering and Crucifixion of Jesus, of Abba’s son himself, made our journey back a smooth process. And the act itself was the greatest action of love…

As Lord is love and we are created from HIS Love, HE is expecting us to be in Love with HIM. Sometimes, I use to wonder how beautiful the love of God is. Book of Genesis in Bible gives as a beautiful picture of a loving God. In chapter two, we see a God who creates everything and then giving them all to Man as gift. Chapter 3 says about a God who was having an evening walk in the Eden. I am quite sure; he might have done many a times and may a days. Adam and Eve might have joined him also… What they might have done while walking together? I am pretty sure; they might have a beautiful chatting together. Adam and Eve might have so many things to say and share about with Abba; how beautiful the morning was, how beautiful HIS works are, more than that how beautiful, pleasant and rejuvenating the walk they are having with HIM. They might have played and sang together too….

May this season of lent takes all of us beyond a level of a mere apology to the level of Love. May we all walk in His freedom Adam and Eve once enjoyed… Amen