Another day passes by and the bullets continue to rain down upon me.
From recieving a hate letter from my son and my ex calling me every name in the book. She has had my birth certificate that I need to get my state ID and I have been asking her for over a year to get it. I finally gave up and wrote a letter to my State Rep to see if there was anyway they could help me acquire a new birth certificate explaining to them the situation I was in. I also forwarded the letter to my ex so she could see that I was tired of playing games.

She then in turns calls me the asshole after she held my id for over a year.
This is the same person who told me there was no funeral service being held for my father when he passed away. The the night before the no funeral service she told me that all of my brothers are in NY to attend the funeral. So being it was late and she knew I would not make it there in time she was safe to let me know. So I was the only one in the immediate family that was not at the funeral another black mark to my name. I could imagine what she told my brothers.

So I finally made it to NY a week after that to see the burial place and to pay my last respects. While I was in town I asked if I could at least see the kids and she refused that request as well. I can see now why my kids hate me as much as they do because they have a good teacher.

The lists go on then while visiting Brooklyn, I called my Aunts and had the intention on stopping in to see them. As soon as the conversation started they were firing all kind of nasty comments towards me. How could you do that to the kids. Why don't you grow up. How could you betray your family. I could not even get a word in. It took every breath of my soul to refrain from saying something I may regret later. I took it all in and did the polite thing yes maam, You're right. I apologize.

Then after I hung up I knew that would be the last contact I would have of them.

Then coming back home I was so depressed because of not only losing my family. I lost my strength. I lost my faith. I lost alot that kept me going.

Then the fact that my transition is dead and i'm becoming more of my past hurts me as well.
Yet, People still want me to go out and act like everything is fine.
I find it harder and harder to be Jasmine more and more every day.

I don't know how much longer I will be online or even active anymore.

So until then love you all.

Hello All

It has been a long time since my last blog and the reason for this one is to end and rumors that are floating out there about me.

First off my health is fine and I have not been in any trouble.

There are alot of reasons that I have not been out and about and it has alot to do with the way I have been feeling emotionally.

Ever since the loss of my father my heart has been hurt. He was the last of my family that talked to me well the only one that talked to me since I started my transition.

I also have been feeling alot of emotional depression missing my kids and family. My two roomies both have kids that they get to see and when they do it hurts me because I can not see my children in the way that they do. They see them growing up and spending time with them.

I have not seen my father prior to his passing sinve 2004. I have not seen any of my family members since 2000. And I have not seen my children since 1997.

Any time a holday passes by or birthdays it saddens me not to be a part of their lives.

Then I always have granted my ex with whatever requests she made not to hurt the children and in return she plays games with me. She had in her hands my identification that I need to get a Michigan ID. For over a year now she has not sent in to me and I have been requesting this for over four years but her and my brother would not forward that to me.

As far as not going out it is a personal choice.

I have been so depressed about my transition once again being put on hold. I though by this time I would have been a Post-Op and living my life in the mainstream as a female.

Two of my friends that I use to hang out in Dayton who started way after I was on hormones are scheduled for SRS this year one in May the other in September.

While I have went from a Pre-op to just a CD. I am no longer on hormones and my transition seems dead. When I look in the mirror I no longer see Jasmine looking back I can't recongize the person looking back at me anymore.

It is sad to be alone with no family and to be at a point in your life where you just wonder if lfe is precious any more.

Yesterday was a nice night first night above freezing a night in which I would have loved to go out dancing, shoot some pool and just get out. This did not happen I am tired of living a lie.

I am not happy where my transiton is and to go out and be hyprocritical is not me.

I do miss my friends out there but I hope they understand that me going out and putting up a front is not me.

I cherish your friendships and until I get this demon off of my back I will not be going out until I feel better about myself.

Right now I feel more like a guy then a gurl and that hurts me more than anything in the world.

In addition to the two guys that were no shows you did not help the situation...........

Hugs

Jasmine

I have to thank Dawn for taking me to New Jersey to visit the site in which my parents are buried. I was a week late from the funeral service because of not being accepted by my family for my transition. They told me the day of the funeral service knowing I could not make it from Michigan to New Jersey and it was told to me by my ex not a family member.

So I had to attend the site and feel the pain alone knowing that my life now is completely without family and that I will never get to see the people that I still love in my heart.

It is a sad world where people call themselves Christians, Catholics and judge others and never take a good look at the hate and prejudices they carry themselves. Our parents brought us up to love one another no matter what family always comes first as my mother once told me blood is thicker than water.

Not in my case.

At least I made it there brought flowers and said my prayers. Said my final good bye and had time to see New York as well.

A day of sorrow has fallen upon me. My father may God look over his soul and may he be welcomed into the gates of heaven where he belongs.

My father was a simple man but one who should us love and was always there for us in time of need. I have always been closer to my mother until she passed away then I came over and took care of my father for years until it was decided he needed medical attention around the clock.

I was present when my mother went into a diabetic stroke and never had the chance to say good bye to her and the same with my father. I moved away from Cincinnati to move forward with my life and never got a chance to see him again. I always thought there was time left but time always seem to find other ways for me these days.

He passed away yesterday and a part of me passed away at the same time.

Today I feel numb and so disconnected with the world he was the last one in my family that supported me and my life. I know he is in a better place, but I feel bad not getting to see him one last time, hear his voice one last time, look into his eyes for a last glance and to tell him how much he was loved.

These are things that I can never fulfill.

He taught me many things in life from sports to cars. Took time to give me pointers when I did things that were not correct. Stood by me through my childish torments and outlandish behavior.

Last night as I cried I went for a nice walk to be alone and share my thoughts. Though I cried most of the way I laughed at times too thinking back of when I took care of him. How he would complain at the music I liked. How he loved to eat my home made dinners. When I would take him out to enjoy the days and even took him Gambling that was something he loved to do.

I was also there for two of his strokes and many complications I suffered during those times as well.

Today I do not care for living as I once did before. Sometimes I wonder if I would be happier in another place with a family that loved me. Instead of here where my family is so closed minded to my life.

My parents taught me to love everyone equally and family comes first. Not so when it comes to the rest of my family.

I am still awaiting to see if they will forward the information as to where I can see him.

My Father may he rest in peace.

Dad I love you with all of my heart and soul. It is because of you that I have the strength and courage to fight every day. Your ways have also taught me that life can be beautiful and that love should be unconditional.

As I sit here typing it reminds me that once and for all I am alone when it comes to family.

Today I cry and pray that I let him down some way.

Dear Dad

You will be missed.

But know this I love you forever.............................................