Years ago there was a time in which the discovering of the TG internet world made me focus in my personal TG agenda and needs. It was an awesome time, considering that most of my experiences were quite positive and enhanced my entire way of looking at everything else. There were the occasional negative experiences that at times did the equivalent of purging. One step up two steps back, but I always recovered in a timely fashion. At the time, I was reading Ken Wilber and his approach to The Development of Consciousness. What does that have to do with transgenderism? A whole lot. For starters, I arrived to a place where I could face my own issue about it and learn, perhaps not the logical answers as why do I feel congruent as a female. But gave me a good light to figure how to move forward w/o expecting those answers and start embracing my whole self instead. A major step in my life and as I was going up and down in the ladder, I was developing a great sense of what else was going on inside myself. But as well, since my direction was to fully embrace everything, I was embracing my femme and such was taking a larger chunk of "who I am", rather than I just like to be a female, etc. Then and since I was in the process of "transforming" myself gradually into my prefer lifestyle, I figured that the very same way, I was becoming conscious of my self about when growing up. I was becoming once again conscious of who I am and becoming. In other words: I was going through the whole process as I did in my early years, but this time as a female, at this age and incredibly fast. What I learned as a boy in many years, needed to be learned faster and as well, I needed to avoid the "normal" culprits of taking the wrong turn. Still, the speed of my growth was amazingly fast and my head could only manage so much. I would tend to get overloaded but reading Wilber provided me great clues in regards of the new-er self, emerging at this stage in my life.

As I endeavored all I needed to, I was able to figure that my whole experience wasn’t exclusively about my femme. It tended to look like it as such! since it was so new, so big and more importantly I love it so dearly. It made me feel much better than worse. Of course, there had been the occasional no so good moments, but the difference now is that when I step back, I figure why and how I did it. And interesting enough, for a lack of a better word, it presented me a clue that - through my growing years and w/o the femme issue, I went through an identical process, but I continued w/o looking at what happened. Wilber explains this process so well. Basically it goes like this: We fall, got hurt, get up, go on and continue our journey as if nothing really happened. Well, I got hurt and every time I "fall", the old wound hurts next to the new one. That reminder sets a new parameter that w/o the ability to be conscious complicates matters a whole lot. Issues may look like - this - but in reality are - that.

If you are still reading, then you truly have an interest in your own evolution, therefore consciousness. Good for you!

It may not be strange to you that we TGs, tend to look for answers to explain the why-s and how-s about our TG essence. We may drop the ball at some point (who cares? Right?), but the fact there is that we want to legitimize our process and it is not exclusive for our own benefit but as well, we desire others may grasp it and exonerate us from all the known stigmas. Our nuclear family, spouse, children, friends, peers, etc. so we can enjoy freedom. Well, that freedom doesn’t rely on others. Ok, you know that. It is internal and what you do inside is what makes the difference. However, there is a deep interaction between others and our selves. Bringing a bridge between them and us, fully depend on our own process but once we get there, we arrive to place where we connect the dots - to and for - others. Again, Wilber explains these dynamics so well.

I’ll take two steps back or go to a few lines back. It is not about our TG thing, it is about life and there is no way we can trick that part, pretend we have matters "under control" and what we are, do, etc is fine while we leave others out of it. Of course, we can do that, but it doesn’t work.

Today’s times are a clear message to this premise. The world, the planet, etc, are presenting us serious changes that w/o noticing may pull the rug under our feet. Our lives can change dramatically to a point that even if we tend to "hold onto our transgenderism" it will not cut it. Life goes on as it comes and we have to sort out life even if we attempt to make our TG thing as the central focus. That is the main reason so many sisters go back and forth between things like: should I remain in the marriage? should I come out? Should I transition? Should I share to my kids, friends, etc, ? And at the end, things seem are not working out. In order to avoid the pitfalls of our own process, whatever that is, the TG thing, marriage, work, life itself, we must develop that level of consciousness. W/o we are only improvising and hoping for the best. We, each of us have the honest answer in regards of: is it really working? But that question goes at all levels, family, love, finances, lifestyle, etc. In other words, everything that makes the fabric of our lives depends on that consciousness.

I hope I was clear and you understood what I meant to say, but in any case, I invite you to discuss it here if you care. Thanks for reading me.

I’ve never liked the idea of meeting someone that I have no clue about their lifestyle and core goals in life. In fact, only once attended one and only after 1 full month of insistence from a friend who promise me my date was perfect for me and I was perfect for her. To make the story short: we hit it off since day one, we became a legal couple for 8 years. Now we are not. I have no regrets though.

A few days ago I attended my 2^nd blind date. I was quite skeptic about it. It came from a "personal" add and was from a younger woman that came out of the closet as a gay woman. I read the adds that day by a fluke and decided to respond because I thought we could be friends. No more expectations. We met, chatted for 2 hours and said good bye to each other under the premise that we would meet some other time again. Yeah, yeah I though. 10 mins later she called me again and invited me to have dinner with her. I accepted the invite and we spend most of the night chatting. I got home at midnight.

I liked her. She is quite laid back, honest, sincere, a bit shy and no so experienced in relationships. She mostly spend as much time as possible with her young adult daughter. In fact, it was the daughter who placed the add. When she read my response she read that I am a M2F PreOp TS. I suspected she would turn me down. I know for a fact that gay women like natural women (for a special reason!) and have a bit of trouble with non genetic ones. However, being a PreOp TS made my situation quite awkward. Nevertheless, she responded and was excited about it. During our first meet, I told her I had no expectations of any kind. I friend would suffice for me. She said the same. However, during our 2^nd exploration we covered more in depth questions and I believe the answers came out sincerely. You know? the typical getting to know each other dialog. We covered almost all territory. I realized we are in two different places in life and experience. That on the long run tends to become an odd place that is not easy to overcome. But since it only was friendship what interested me, I went along. At some point I asked her directly if she would interested in an intimate relationship with someone like myself. She responded yes. I expected that since otherwise it would look like "rejection". So no big deal. However, I sensed her enthusiasm about my question. That triggered my wondering and guess what? I asked her: how can you be interested in a PreOp TS? Me? Perhaps? As well, I stated that the line between the male and female is not the thin type. I told her had no plans for a coming soon surgery. I explained to her about the reality is when intimacy is involved. She insured me that such wasn’t an issue for her at all. Not even if people’s perception about her could be "tarnished" by knowing her partner was a TS. She already went through the syndromes of coming out of the closet. This could be a new layer and perhaps the one that could trigger a negative sentiment. No problem she said. Then I asked her about what she liked about women that changed her sexual preference after all those years. She addressed attributes that are clearly female. Such as compassion, generosity, sense of caring for others, not the isolated and lacking of intimate skills and self centered way of being. She assured me all males, regardless of much better they can be, are like that. We agreed on all that 100%. I still was extremely puzzled about it. My curiosity wasn’t at ease, nor my confidence. Much more, since then we were talking about getting involved. I was interested in exploring such. Mostly since I suspected that either men or women, except TG admirers could not be interested in TSs. As well, I know TG admirers are interested exclusively in sex and that’s it. Well, to my surprise she said something that literally blew me away. She said: have you considered daydreaming? I asked her to elaborate on that. "I’ve been daydreaming about a FT TGirl and me since my teens and I’ve never stopped." she said. The conversation became quite interesting since that point. The reason for late return to home.

My "way of looking" at my own reality changed. Ok, maybe there are no many women who daydream about us. I know finding such is not an easy task. I have to mention that possibly at the end that doesn’t represent a successful relationship. However, it is more possible that I assumed before. Nevertheless, now I know that the main trick to possibly finding such is to keep an open quest for it. I don’t think such exclusively depends of visiting frequently bars or dating scenes. But I am sure now that requires to keep the ears and eyes right alert. Perhaps, among those there is one in the same place as I am.

Don’t get excited about my finding. By any means there is chance and I am not being negative or a downer. Nope, I just know that relationships that have a true chance depend on being at the same place at the same time. Core values must match. My friend and I are not. Yet, that is not sad at all. Contrary, I find it to be a happy note and an encouraging one. I suspect that my life is about to become more social in realms that are not part of my regular life today. Will that be like "finding a needle in the stack"? Well, isn’t everything close to that?

I have a series of my already written blogs about the social implications of a transgendered person and a historical comparison to our realm and the mainstream world. However, I’ve been adding material everyday and at the end I don’t know which one I should post next. I’ve pondering the question in my head and soul: why?

Well, I don’t really know what I am thinking until I talk about it. Famous Timothy Leary’s words. Saturday and Sunday I spent a substantial amount of time with 2 different friends. A TG sister and a GG. I observed an old behavior of mine. One, that I don’t enjoy, since I know it means there is "something cooking" in my head and I am not at rest. I spent a considerable amount of time talking about myself. Mmm... Driving back home from 2^nd meeting, words and ideas just flew out of my head and the truth came out. Gulp! I am not feeling well in my body and about myself. First, I am recovering from a 2^nd surgical procedure that was done in last October. My appendix was removed (not a bid deal) but one (above my belly bottom) of the 3 small incisions refused to heal building a lot of scar tissue. I saw 5 different surgeons to find out what the problem was. Only one believed that it was because the stitching (done inside) probably was done wrong and my body couldn’t eliminate the thread. Fortunately the reaction was mild, but I’ve secreting fluid for 5 months. Therefore I was scheduled for the 2^nd procedure to remove the scar tissue. That was done a week ago and I was left with a much larger cut. Not a bid deal either. However, for a few days I was in need of taking pain killers. Those that make us feel "groovy". I am out of them now but my mind still is living the effects. Add to that, the financial situation we are going through has affected me very much. I got into the negative math count: serious & unexpected expenses VS much lower income.

For the last few weeks I’ve become quite critical of so many things. Forget about the AIG and bank abuses with our "bail out" tax money. Our realm has been under the microscope and not under a good light. What a? I am minding other’s business when I have a bit on my own plate? Well, the true doesn’t really hurt but it bothers. Yet, the truth is better than a lie, right?

Basically I’ve been feeling reluctant to keep a presence in the net since I know, our realm will not change. Things are the way they are, period! Therefore I’ve been looking at my net presence as a waste of time and the means to screw my own self (self sabotage), since I can invest all that time in taking care of my personal concerns instead of... Sounds familiar? What a selfish girl huh?

Bottom line I’ve been sorting out if I stay or not in the net. I’ve received a few messages from a few of you that insist my presence is good and appreciated. Well, it is not that I am seeking for that type feedback, but it helps. Ego boost is a thing of the past for me. Instead, what I prefer is to know that more people like us stay in touch and make the slow change that we can to gain & improve what is needed in our realm. I look it like what women did decades ago to gain the right to vote for political elections. However, we don’t need to go to jail as they did.

Since now I know I am emotionally troubled, I am aware that I tend to look at things from the extreme sides, something I’ve been trying to advocate against <the male & female issue?>. Therefore, I’ve arrived to the middle resolution: I will stop my writing, posting, etc about our realm. Therefore, I will take a hiatus for a while. However, if I get mail from any of you and it states something honest and grounded, I will reply accordingly. I hope this transition of mine fades away soon as the problem with our economy. Thanks for reading me.

The already in progress blog was momentarily interrupted by recent news. But those news are analogous to my original intent. The visit of the Pope to Africa. Once more, the Vatican is showing been out of touch with the times and reality. Addressing the topic about the rampant spread of HIV/AIDS in Africa, the Pope has said that the use of condoms will not aid to halting the HIV spread. Once again, he appealed to the use of "moral standards" that belong to the dark age as the means to deal with the problem. Celibacy and only sex between married people is the "norm". A totally out of touch and false assumption but one that aims to continue the very same approach the Vatican has had for centuries. We know sex is no longer and never has been exclusive of marriage. Besides, it overlooks the fact we are talking about the spread of a mortal disease that can be easily spread beyond borders.

What does that have to do with Gender Issues and my point? Rather, question: Is transgenderism a social issue? We have to start with the fact that it is a matter of view. Perception plays the most important role to assess something as complex as that. I have a joke I was told when in my teens that makes a clear example of that. "An old lady calls the police department to complain about "indecent exposure" about a neighbor. The police arrives to the location and ask the lady to show the man, since they can’t see him. She takes them to the 2^nd story floor and points in the direction the culprit is. The policeman looks through the window and tells the lady "I see nobody mom". She pulls a chair, steps on it and points again to the other side of the fence. See? There!." Indeed, there was a naked man.

People tend to look what they want as they want. No problem with that. Everyone has the right to do so, but the problem is when the seek for others business to make them their own and the only intention is to show wrong. Human nature we may say. However, today, thanks to the massive spread of the internet, we all are exposed to more issues. Our Transgender realm is one of the many. However, it produced a massive exposure that mostly, benefit TGs since that way we know not being alone or unique. It takes a little bit the edge about "something is wrong about us". As a result, people are coming out of the closet in one way or another one, they are finding more information and on the long run becoming gradually public. At a personal or collective level.

As well, one of the results is that people that are unable to exclusively focus in their own business, focus in ours. Yet, mostly not to understand it, perhaps understand it and accept it. For the most part is to show that our behavior doesn’t pass their judgment. That is the true reason sensationalistic media benefitted from us. Therefore, our realm becomes a social issue.

There are many levels and areas this is a social issue. Just to mention a few: the result of the square and boxed thinking affects us in so many senses. We lack of the legal rights any other person has for granted. Yet, we are any "other person" but happen to prefer - whether a choice or because a logic and natural reason, to live as the opposite gender. As well, in terms of social services, since we are not observed in the manuals and books they resource to, to figure what we are entitled or not, we simply are ignored. Of course, many of us and thanks to our education and assertiveness, had been able to seek and gain what we need. However, younger people or under privilege have no choice or chance. Nevertheless, we must fight to get what we deserve and need. Not to mention that our lives and lifestyle are at stake at any given time. We can lose absolutely everything if known and it is used against us. Divorce, child custody, insuring employment//lodging, health coverage, etc. And all that because many people tend to look at us as wrong. As well, we can become victims of those who take the law under their hands and tend to become violent and criminal. Even in states where we enjoy "legal rights" such as CA, the law is not properly enforced and observed. That makes it a social issue.

Ok, let me suppose we most agree to my points. So what? We can no longer allow it. Not in the 21^st century. We need to bring to speed everything and what the social consequences are becasue ignoring our realm or painting it with a "red cross". That is something noone can afford. The more functional as individual are, the better we ALL are.

Alright, lets say we are the way - we humans are - because human nature. Human nature can be changed. Although what we do individually is as important as what is needed, collectibly if we don’t make a true effort, it will not bring the needed results. We all need and must, get involved in any fashion we can participate. That is the aim for my blogging. I can’t live my life w/o doing something about it. Perhaps, I am doing what the old lady did too. I am on the tips of my toes or heeled feet to look to the other side of the fence and I am finding something wrong with others, but the difference is that if I am, is because I know we must make a change. We lcak what others enjoy by default.

If I could enjoy the benefits of freedom, like anyone else, perhaps I wouldn’t bother about this! But the fact is that even myself, regardless of my self confidence, education, means, etc, I suffer as well of what an obsolete mentality does. How about you?