Wow is what I have to say at everything that's been happening to me lately. I've been in denial about so much, it's just sad. A while back, one of my exes told me I was crazy (I just wrote it off as you're a jerk), but guess what I realized this mornig...I really am. Think back on past relationships, friendships...how things could have been different, may have been different, if I were not crazy. But I'm ok with that and I'm working on me. It's funny because all this came about because of a situation that happened a couple months ago. It caused me to react in a way that was just well...crazy. I know why I reacted the way I did, the other person doesn't but maybe one day....anywho, so I was thinking today, yeah Cornelia you really are crazy. I figure if I let go of some things then maybe that would be a start. so.....I let go of the hurt I felt when you walked off and abandoned me, kicked me while I was down...I thank you for leaving and not staying, being a crutch for me to lean on....I let go of the fact that your intentions were always to just use me for whatever reason...I thank for FINALLY being a man and admitting that years had been wasted....I let go of the anger and evil things I thought when you told me oh I was drunk....I thank you for allowing me to see that I was gaining strength in losing you....I let go of all the times I pretended to believe your lies (just so I wouldn't be alone, even though I really was)...I thank you for staying out at the platinum all times of the night, for lying to my face about cheating, for not answering your phone when she called (letting me know that you were with her when I called is why you didn't answer), thank you for showing me that I don't have to settle for less than what I deserve....I let go of the fact that I really think I offended you (though those were not my intentions)...I thank you for what happened, for because of it, I finally accepted that, yeah I really am crazy...I let go of all past hurt, I let go of all those people that I thought meant me good, I let go of all the unneccesary drama, I let go of all the mental torment that I was put through, I let go of all those who walked off and left me for no apparent reason...and I thank you, thank you for being apart of my realization that I'm not perfect, my acceptance of that imperfection, showing me how I don't want to be treated and you for showing me how I want to be treated. Thank you for being a part of my life, my strength, my weakness, my courage, my doubt...And I ask forgiveness, for those that I have wronged...I apologize..for things I said, things I did....I apologize...If I've done something that I don't know I did, I apologize...Now Lord, I let go...I won't look back, I'll push forward, I won't turn around...I'll continue and know that all these people were put in my life for a reason...some served there purpose and are gone, others are barely holding on, others are there strong...but Lord through it all you were and are ever present. Thank you Lord for letting me see my denial, accept it and work toward a better future...I see now that I wasn't ready, all this time I thought I was but you know Lord! Thank you for opening my eyes to what I need to do to push forward...Thank you Lord!

I love this little poem..I see it all the time and just wanted to share...think about it while you read...let the words sink it...it's short but has a very deep meaning:

Life is short,

Break the rules,

Forgive quickly,

Kiss slowly,

Love truly,

Laugh uncontrollably,

And never regret anything that made you smile.

Why do I feel the way I do...all numb inside. I feel like crying but the tears won’t come, I feel like screaming but my voice is gone. What’s happening, I’m trapped, I need to escape...I want to be free. Let me go, loose me, set me free. I can’t take this feeling anymore. Am I that bad? I’m sure millions have been where I’ve been and keep going back....I can never go back, I lost my focus...I lost my way, oh Lord help me, never go back to that place again, that point of no return...I need to be free...I’m sorry Lord. I sit and stare at the wall, what have I done, I can’t believe it, is this a dream....wake me up, I can’t breathe, I feel like I’ve been hit by a ton of bricks...what’s happening to me...we all fall down but can I get back up this time...I need help, I need a hand, I need someone to be there to help me out of the darkness...I’m surrounded, everything is caving in on me, I’m all alone...oh but wait, what am I saying, I’m never alone. God is there, He picks me up when I fall, wipes my eyes when I cry my streams, rivers and oceans...rocks me to sleep, comforts me when I feel alone, watches my back when someone has their knife at it, gives me my smile back when it’s gone....So why do I feel the way I do?