LADIES AND GENTLEMAN!  YOU BOUGHT THE WHOLE SEAT BUT YOU'LL ONLY NEED THE EDGE!  TONIGHTS MAIN EVENT PITS TWO FIGHTERS LOCKED INTO AN EPIC BATTLE OF MONSTROUS PROPORTIONS!  ONE A SUPERHERO WHO DOES THINGS ONLY A SPIDER CAN!  THE OTHER, A MYSTERIOUS WRESLTER FROM THE LAND OF THE RISING SUN!  ARE YOU READY!?!?! ARE YOU READY!?!?!?!  LETS GET IT ON!  LLLLLLLLLLLETS GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!!!! 

*DING* *DING*

Thank you Michael Buffer.  Today we will be examining a match up of the ages.  A dueling of the century.  A match made in... non-reality, but none the less one that has brought many crumbling to their knees staring into the sky screaming "TELL ME THE FREAKIN ANSWER!".  That's correct, today I will be answering the age old question of who would win in this dream matchup...

SPIDERMAN                              vs.                                THE GREAT MUTA

In the blue corner we have the Amazing Spider-Man.  Lowly high school student Peter Parker gets bitten by a radioactive spider granting him the power to climb walls, project a white substance from his hand, and in extrememe cases, both depending on who's window he's looking into.  He has extraordinary strength and a spidey sense that should make him impossible to hit, unless his opponent has extraordinary powers as well.

In the red corner, or "akai" in "nihongo", is the Great Muta, a professional wrestler from Japan known world wide.  He is mysterious and in the early days he liked to paint his face.  He's a dirty fighter, who likes to bite, and use tire irons on his opponents.  In extrememe cases he cuts his forhead for a "spot" and bleeds profusely for the remainder of the match, basically making his oppponent sick to his stomach.  Now in his early forties, he's put on a little weight, isn't as fast as he used to be, but his weathered thick skin, bald head (due to an embarrassingly receding hair line) and mysterious goatee intimidates his opponents as if he were 20 again. 

And now the fight...

Looks 

We shall start with the blue corner.  Spider-man has a timeless attire that is very easily recognizable by anyone who has ever opened their eyes.  Not knowing who spider man is, is like not knowing who Superman is, or even Keanu Reeves...WHoa!  People will mistake our president for an inbred redneck before they can't recognize Spider-man.  His downfall?  Spandex.  Granted he's in shape, but remember spandex is a privelage not a right, and in just about every case should not be worn by men (unless you get chicks from it and have gigantic hair and play butt metal in the 80's).

The Great Muta, in his glory years, would paint his face in any number of different colors as illustrated here: http://www.all-japan.co.jp/muta/index.html if you look under the change section, it shows his different face paints.  Later on in life, after he shaved his head due in part to his balding status, he dawned multiple types of wicked looking googly masks which can also be found on his web site.  Awesome!  And scary.  He also fashioned a wicked goatee and we all know that goatees are intimidating.  Just look at Chuck Norris... I rest my case. 

Advantage: MUTA

AGE

Spider-man is forever young. Period.  This guy actually got younger as time went on which to be honest, was kinda creepy.  But this does mean that in the fighting category he can withstand punishment more easily and have the endurance to go the distance.  His wounds heal quickly allowing him to bounce back quickly.

Muta is getting old.  He's 41 and still wrestles.  Granted though he still looks cool, even though the tire on the front of his belly is starting to get bigger and bigger as the years pass.  His many years in the puroresu business has thickened his skin allowing him to take more punishment but his larger size takes his endurance down.  

Advantage: Spider-Man

Moves

Spider-man starts off with brute strength and the weird ability to suddenly fight in hand to hand combat after getting bit by a spider.  I'm not sure about you, but everytime I've seen a spider fight it typically ends with his guts sprawled across my wall and his body getting flushed down the toilet ...pussies.  But with the ability to shoot webs out of his hands give him an advantage in any fight.  He can wrap up his opponent and pummel them with his skills in hand to hand combat.  His spider sense coupled with his strength abilities give him advantage against most opponents.

The Great Muta utilizes a lot of traditional and non moves that give him the upper hand in most of his fights.  Originating with his hand spring elbow to bulldogging head drop, Muta also tends to work over specific areas of his opponents bodies.  Finishing off most opponents with his moonsault, later in life he created the shining wizard.  A move both deadly and silly sounding.  Those that catch themselves on the receiving end of a shining wizard aren't usually sure where they are, wether its in a wrestling ring, or a weird gay porno.  But one of his most exciting moves is his green mist, which he uses to blind his opponents causing confusion and pandamonium in his opponents minds.  This green mist typically comes out at any time, and no it's not from his rectum.  

Advantage: Tie

So from the looks of things this match would be a tie.  My excutive decision on the matter though, goes to the Great Muta because just like a Yahoo Sports Fantasy league..."I'm the commisioner and what I say goes.  Nutsack!"     

Winner: The Great MUTA! BEWARE THE GREEN MIST!

I have been looking, for the last couple weeks, for something to complain about.  Thankfully(!) something has finally come up.  There is a fantastic phrase that I never really paid attention to until just recently when I came across many of the "customers" that I get to "meet" on a daily basis.  This phrase would be "I know enough to be dangerous..."  and I think that that phrase needs to be switched to "I know just enough to be ignorant...".  I have found, and struggled to learn, that there are many different steps to setting up a business.  one of those steps involves gaining knowledge and figuring out what will best fit your needs to maximize profits and yadda yadda.  One of those steps IS NOT being a jackass.  Too many people "think" (emphasis on the think) that they know what are the correct questions to ask and yet most of the time they aren't but the emphasis is on them.  For instance:

"My question is what is the uptime of your hosting?" -external monologue: We have a 99.96% uptime. -internal monologue:  Ok understandable, guy wants a good service.

"My question is what is your donwtime?" -external monologue: I don't have that information available. -internal monologue: Hmmm...my elementary school degree is tingling.  Well let's see cow herder, (100%)-(99.96%)=(.04% uptime).  Secondly, why in the hell would I want to disclose down time.  Thats like walking up to michael Jordan before a game and saying, "Hey mike, what's not feeling so hot today? Is your left side drive any good today?" and Mike responding, "Yeah my left shin is really kidding me so make me go left.  That's really gonna be the best way to shut me down."

"You don't have that information? My question is how long have you worked there?" External monologue- I've been here for 5 months. Internal Monologue-You're a jackass!  Besides this not being relevant to your wanting to get a store online, I want to know what your IQ is, even though I'm pretty sure it's the equivalent to asparagus. Are you going to buy something or are you lonely, they make call lines for that.

 "My question is, why are other companies plans $150?" External Monologue-I don't have time to compare other companies because I'm busy helping our customers sign up.  -Internal Monologue:  Cause they are rip offs idiot!  OR you're too naive and ignorant to realize what the actual price is.  Its a great deal and you should sign up.  OH WAIT, I can't get a word in edgewise cause you keep starting each question with "My question is...".  Learn how to construct a more coherent sentence jerk!

Now these were just a couple of jems that this Joker decided to lay on me but the best is yet to come!  More soon...

 

This started it:

Otters are gay, it's a fact, it's science by: Monmouth Fighting Yaks

Jun 19 7:29pm

Big talk from a creature that frolics in the sea. Now, yaks, on the other hand are serious bovine killas! From Wikipedia: "Wild yaks can weigh 1,000 kg (2,200 lb). They usually form groups of between 10 and 30 animals. Their habitat is treeless uplands like hills, mountains and plateaux between 3,200 m (10,500 ft) and roughly 5,400 m (18,000 ft). They eat grasses, lichens and other plants. During the warmest season these hardy animals live in areas of Permanent snow and move lower down at colder times. They are insulated by dense, close, matted under-hair as well as their shaggy outer hair." These animals are so BAD ASS, they choose to live in the snow during the warmest season. Unlike those pussy otters! As fur (haha) otters, Wikipedia has this to offer: "English-speakers may use the collective noun romp to refer to a group of otters." A romp? A romp...of otters. Otters=aquatic faries. The yaks are coming and will stomp, maul, and gore all the little "Enhydra lutris" (Sea Otters) in their way! Oh, yes, I used Latin, BITCHES!

 

So I added this:

Yaks are ball lickers... by: Shinjuku Sea Otters

Jun 20 8:52am

Wikipedia says this: "Shinjuku is one of the 23 special wards of Tokyo, Japan. It is a major commercial and administrative centre, housing the busiest train station in the world (Shinjuku Station), and the Tokyo Metropolitan Government Building, the administration center for the Tokyo Metropolis. The area around Shinjuku Station is home to a large concentration of department stores, specialist electronic and camera shops, cinemas, restaurants and bars. Many international hotels have a large presence here." Wikipedia also says: "Monmouth OR- As of the censusGR2 of 2000, there were 7,741 people, 2,757 households, and 1,488 families residing in the city. Also 1 horse. For decades, Monmouth had a long-running rivalry with neighboring Independence, caused in part by Monmouth's ban on the sale of alcoholic beverages in supermarkets, restaurants and bars, and Independence's willingness to remedy this deficit. Monmouth's police department for many years would assign a number of officers to monitor the east city limits about the time the bars closed in Independence. This rivalry was exacerbated by the city's practice of dumping untreated sewage into Ash Creek, which one year flooded Independence with septic sludge." Wikipedia also says: "The yak (Bos grunniens) is a long-haired humped domestic bovine found in Tibet and throughout the Himalayan region of south central Asia." And it says: "The Sea Otter (Enhydra lutris) is a large otter native to the North Pacific, from northern Japan and Kamchatka east across the Aleutian Islands south to California." Speaking of getting their facts straight... Besides being from a Mecha city that wallows in fashion, commerce, and oh yeah the 22nd Century, the sea otter is indeigenous to the Shinjuku, Japan area. Its too bad that the big stupid bovine Bos grunniens, uh huh latin bitches, is native to tibet and asia...not monmouth oregon...BURN! Besides supposedly coming from a one horse town as mentioned above, the yak is not indigenous of the "dry" forested area known as Monmouth. I would also like to point out that Sea Otters are not dumb enough to become domesticated unlike Yaks. Plus they smell like poo. yeah that's right I said it...POO! So before you start to spout off about how much better yaks are than sea otters get your facts straight and oh yeah get half a freakin point. I own! Miroslav Makes everyone their bitch! 10 goals in like 11 World cup games, 'Mother of GOD'. He's unstoppable! Bring it yaks, oh yeah thats right if you tried to stampede the otters you'd sink in the water and drown. BOOYAH!

 

and concluded with this:

AND... by: Shinjuku Sea Otters	Jun 20 8:53am
Apparently Yaks eat their own... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Yak_Drawing_historic.jpg (its the drawing above)

 

I love sports cause of the cool trash talking that you get to do and the fun banter and things you have to come up with to rag on your friends and those sorts of things.  OH the Joy of sports.  BRILLIANT!

Today we have many great technological advances including PodCasts and streaming videos and live updates from across the world. But even with all of these great advantages some are still unable to keep up to par. I am speaking to you Yahoo MatchCast. With all your cool features like live play by play, real time stats, and cool things like subs, your fan chat licks balls. I've been trying to respond to the "Tom Cruises" (meaning loons) that post stupid things like 'ilikekimchi007: korea is going to win the wc' while the Netherlands Ivory Coast game is going on (boo Ivory Coast). All I wanted to do was post "RUUUUUDDDDD" to show support to my team captain for scoring a goal but instead I get a message that reads "Your message has been posted. Due to the number of messages received, fifaworldcup.com unfortunately cannot guarantee that all messages will be shown." Well firstly, if it was posted but not shown then were the hell was it posted? Did it get posted on a porn chat...

-girl: I'm soo hot I'm touching myself. what are you doing?
-embarrased first timer:Umm...stuff. What are you wearing?
-todzilla26: RUUUUUUUUUUDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!

or maybe a Risk strategy chat:
-nerd1: if I'm attacking through Europe and Asia which country should I be worried about?
-todzilla26: The Ivory Coast is weak, the Netherlands will own you!

If its not gonna be shown, don't tell me its posted. Just say that "it's in our system and if your comment is crappy enough and you type it in enough times we will show it". I feel like I would have an easier time getting an e-mail about soccer read on PTI than I would get a lowly comment on Yahoo Match Cast. BOO TO YOU Yahoo Match Cast, get with the 22nd century! RED CARD!