And now I've lost you... I thought I'd be strong enough to go through with it, but it's so hard... I was flying with you, clinging to your wings to fly... but I was no more that a parasite sucking on your soul... a vile succubus-like creature that ate love in order to exist... but I think I have somehow overcome that... I have let you go... you don't need a person like me and I surely did not deserve you... I feel I have done the right (politically correct) thing, though I don't know by whose rules it's right... I only hope that you find happiness... right now you hate me, but you'll soon forget you even knew me... everything will blur and whatever was between us will fade like an old photograph until you won't be able to recognize the people in it and you'll throw it away... a faded, useless memory... But it's only natural things to be so... I'm sorry I ever caused you pain, I'm sorry I ever crossed you path... These words are the last things I'll ever force on you....
And for what it's worth... know this: there are times in life when choices are hard to make and one is too weak to make them... I am too weak to make the choice and I know I have lost... I guess I was afraid to be happy... silly, I know, but true... But now it doesn't matter, it won't change anything... I'm used to my sorrows and the skeletons in my closet are my friends... I have always been alone, this will be no different... So, thank you for a moment of happiness, thank you for a fleeting touch of love... I have taken and given nothing back... So I deserve to vanish... and with these last words you have my word I'll vanish forever...
Have a happy and full life.... and yes, I guess I did love you after all....

Right now I miss you... I swore to myself I wouldn't think about you anymore, but it's a promise I cannot keep no matter how hard I try... you're in my way... always... I push you away and yet you're still there... and now I miss the tiniest things about you... the way you're so sleepy in the morning, the way your breath feels on my skin, the way you taste, the feeling your body gives me when I'm lying next to you... oh, all those bits and pieces that make you who you are... you probably don't even know how all these things make you irresistible to me, how they make me keep you close to my heart... if you only knew... and all these little things I steal a bit from each and every one... and the smallest bits make up my world, those small bits remind me of you always... you'll be mine forever because I'll never give you those pieces back... pieces of you, pieces of us... I would want you here forever were it not the utmost display of selfishness on my part... oh, how I wish letting go were easy... but it's not and I'm rolling all those memories about us in my head... they daze me and I fall in contemplation again... and I miss you... you know that, don't you?... you can feel it, can't you?... if there is any liaison, you should feel me... miss me too... please, miss me half as much as I miss you...

And somehow I feel I have nobody left on my side... I thought I had friends, they seem to have gone away, lured by minor advantages, by petty favors... and to think I considered they would stay by my side forever... I knew I could not put my trust in anyone and yet I did... How could I have made such a mistake again? Did I not find out the first time that it was in vain? Was I not the one to pour my soul out crying after my faith had been betrayed? Yes, and still, I did it again... But no more... no one will ever touch my soul again... I'll freeze it again and keep it that way... And I won't let anyone come close either... because I have this uncanny thing for hurting those I care about and don't want to hurt them anymore....
I feel like leaving... leaving before I do anymore damage... leaving before I hurt anyone again... and I'd never stop... I'd just keep going and going, until there was no more road, until there was no more anything... keeping my sorrows to myself and all my skeletons shut in the closet... and though I wish this road to lead me back to you, I'd avoid you.... I'd keep miles away... But I'd always watch, always make sure you were happy... And your happiness would be mine... And it would be enough to warm me, because I deserve no more... I'm not a good person and I can't make anyone happy... seems that everywhere I go, I drag along insecurity, sorrow, tears... But I have finally come to terms with all this and I have understood that my place is second place, the other woman, the runner-up... Always near the spotlight, never in it...

what's there to say?.... I hear the leaves rustling outside... the sound so powerful I can hear it from up here... so powerful... and so life-less... the sound of death it seems.... dead leaves... telling a story no none can hear... no one can understand... telling a story of things that have happened... things that died as soon as they were done... words that faded the second they were uttered... thoughts that faded to nothingness before they were ever given voice.... and I listen to the sound... I think of all these things... dead things... and I think of you... of you and me.... of how we die every second... how we die with every breath... how every thought leads to the same inexorable ending... and I ponder upon the things we do... so meaningless... so small in the immense space between then and the future... I think of you lying next to me.... the warmth of your body lingering even after you've gone.... and of the way I move on that side of the bed so that I can keep it there, with me, longer.... and even as I do this I know it doesn't matter... you're gone... and what I'm doing is really nothing... I'm trying to save something that was never there.... and I wake up a while later.... a strange feeling that stays with me... I don't know what it is... I can't name it... I can't touch it.... but I would touch you were you still with me.... but you're not... and the morning seems cold now... I feel cold because you're not here with me anymore... I miss the way your body feels next to mine... and then I think I'm so insane with this thought... I climb out of the bed and I want to feel the coldness of the floor... I want it to chill me to the bone... I want it's numbing chill to freeze my heart until I can no longer feel anything... until I can no longer feel your warmth on my skin... I open the window... I want it to be cold... I want to freeze.... I want to freeze until you come and thaw me again... freeze until your kiss on my skin gives me warmth again... and then the leaves.... the sound they make as they die... it creeps inside me... it's the sound you made leaving... it's the sound my heart made as you left... and I feel dead until I see you again.... until then... I feel my thoughts falling helplessly to the ground just like the leaves outside... unimportant... dead...