Well, I got to see my counselor today. Things went pretty smoothly with that, I talked with her and explained all that had been going on since we last met, which has been quite a bit since it has been August of '05 since we last met. I filled her in on mine and Chris's battles over my dressing and how strong the desire to dress has become, She asked me one question that really stuck with me though ... "Who has more to lose if you leave, Chris or yourself?" Quite honestly, I don't know.

 Since I don't currently work or have a license, I would be losing my place to stay and free transportation as well as my children. Chris would be losing her free "nanny" and "maid" but she would still get her child support payments, check and have the house, van and children.

So, I suppose that I stand to lose the most right now.

 Chris and I have talked it over and now she wants me to return to work because she is having trouble meeting all of her financial responsibilities all because she keeps over extending her money, then she borrows money from friends and family to cover what she can't. The only problem there is that she's just putting off her debt for the time being. She has started to pay her parents back in food whenever she gets her food stamps, but then that's taking food away from the family. With a family of 6 that's not good. She also recently borrowed five dollars from one of MY friends that works at the convienance store just up the street from us for gas and has yet to pay her back as well.

 I stopped in the store tonight because Chris was complaining that she wanted some chocolate and I needed something to drink and some cigarettes any. While I was there I told my friend that Chris would pay her back as soon as she gets done borrowing from everyone else and explained to her that I wasn't too concerned about it as I'm not the one that borrowed the money. My friend told me that she wasn't really too worried about it either since it was "only five bucks".

 To me any amount that is borrowed should be repaid and as soon as possible, but I thought that it was awfully sweet of my friend to look at it that way.  I have repaid some of Chris's debts to her parents just so that I wouldn't have to be caught in the crossfire before but I am tired of covering her ass because of poor money management skills, not that I even could right now.

 Anyway, Chris joined my counselor and I for the last half of my visit and really didn't say much or ask any questions, she actually made some comment (I can't remember the exact wording) that suggested an attitude of "maybe if I ignore it it will go away". Theresa, my counselor, suggested that Chris join a support group for spouses/significant others of transgendered people to which Chris seemed open to. I asked Chris if there was anything specific that she wanted to ask Theresa and she said that she really didn't have anything so I went probing ... I asked if she wanted to know anything more about Gender Dysphoria or maybe even crossdresing to which she just replied "no".  Well, the visit ended fairly quickly after that and I have a new appt. for the 14th of February.

 Afterwards in the van, Chris seemed surprised that Theresa was so open and willing to talk about my "trans issues", and a little put off that Theresa really liked what I had told her about my Yahoo! Group and it's goal. One thing that I was told was that perhaps I should try compromising a little more.

 The reason for that advice was that while we were with Theresa Chris had mentioned that it seemed like I only want to frequent the gay bars and never want to go out to the straight bars with her. She's right to a point. I mean, the bar that she used as an example, Miss Kitty's, is supposed to be a country and western bar but it's out in Urbandale ... one of the richer suburbs of Des Moines. Even James has a big problem with that place. Being from Oklahoma and growing up just on the city limits I know what it's like to be country. I know the look, the feel, the music .... and Urbandale just doesn't have it! J&J both hate these polished up, shiny, vacuum sealed urban cowboys ... especially after growing up with the real deal. Hell, I even worked on some farms as a kid as well as rode/lead some horse trails so I know that country life is nowhere near as polished up and pretty as these clowns think it is.

Anyway, getting back on track ... I agreed to try compromising even if it meant having to swallow my pride and suffer through the fakeness of it all.

Later on in the van I tried talking with Chris about the bar issue and admitted that I really, really, really hate that bar and would prefer anyplace BUT there and asked her what was so attractive about it because all I ever see come out of there is DRAMA to which she told me that she thinks thats what draws her to it. She admitted that she LIKES the drama!!!

Likes the drama?!?!?! Ok, what kind of screwed up girl am I with? I've never met anyone that likes drama ... well, until now.

So I suppose i'll give this bar thing another try and see how it goes. All I can say is thank god James can fight, but if one of my nails gets broken while fighting I'm gonna be PISSED!

 

After thought - "what kind of image does Chris liking drama portray to the children?"