If I’m back blogging, that could mean one thing and one thing only – the Razzie Awards are being announced today and I nearly forgot to provide predictions this year. But, like any good friend, I’m still enduring the crème de la crap so that you don’t have to and calling my picks for the winners.

Now, after a pretty good run with my 2006 predictions, I had a bit of a slump in 2007 and called only a few categories correctly. Razzies have always been exponentially more difficult to project than Oscars – which is probably why I remain the only person I’m aware of who even tries. Then again, I’m probably also the only one who cares.

I admit that nothing can get me to run to the theater or wipe clear my Netflix queue faster than Razzie nominations. They always assure good times aghast at the sheer awfulness that unfolds on screen. And, in rare instances, they uncover hidden gems like Catwoman and Showgirls – movies that, like both the emperor from Star Wars and Hillary Clinton, just get stronger the more people hate them.

And the losers are...

Worst Picture: I Know Who Killed Me

Given her reputation-of-late, you’d think a lot of people would actually appreciate watching Lindsay Lohan get tortured. But this poor attempt to make a pretentious psychological thriller out of that very concept fails on practically every level because clearly no one involved had the talent needed to pull it off. I Know Who Killed Me makes absolutely no sense. It’s poorly shot, the dialogue is inane, the lighting and makeup are horrible (in most scenes Lohan looks older than her mom), the acting is wooden, it looks like it was edited with a Cuisinart and the musical score is overblown and inappropriately applied. To cap it all off, the last-minute attempt to resolve the film’s whodunit will simply leave you shrugging your shoulders in apathy. Sure, you’ll know who killed her. You just won’t care.

And if you really still want to see Lohan tortured, check out her trying to deliver her lines in this trainwreck of a Saturday Night Live sketch instead… It’s infinitely more enjoyable and mercifully shorter.

Nominees: Bratz, Daddy Day Camp, I Know Who Killed Me, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, Norbit.

Worst Actor: Eddie Murphy for Norbit

Eddie Murphy really needs to find a new schtick – he keeps remaking The Nutty Professor over and over, just swapping out the characters. I laughed once during Norbit -- that was in the first five minutes and Murphy wasn’t even in the scene. Once he appears on screen however, again in a variety of characters, the whole mess just devolves into a 90-minute fat joke. Unfortunately, I’ve seen episodes of The Biggest Loser that were funnier and Eddie Murphy is squarely to blame. Who knows, maybe Norbit would have actually been funny had it starred Caroline Rea instead.

Nominees: Nicholas Cage (Ghost Rider, National Treasure: Book of Secrets and Next), Jim Carrey (The Number 23), Cuba Gooding Jr. (Daddy Day Camp and Norbit), Eddie Murphy (Norbit), Adam Sandler (I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry).

Worst Actress: Jessica Alba for Awake, Fantastic Four 2 and Good Luck Chuck

I’m going to call this category for Alba for two reasons:

(a) I don’t think Lindsay Lohan can win as a tie in this category with herself, especially since she’s already nominated with herself for Worst Screen Couple as well – a category for which she’s a shoe-in.

(b) Jessica Alba actually had promise as an actress, unlike the no-names in Bratz and Elisha Cuthbert. Diane Keaton is undeserving for this category – her character in Because I Said So may have been incredibly annoying, though her acting was not at fault. Somehow over the course of 2007, however, Jessica Alba really managed to start screwing up her career. We’ll say that Fantastic Four was contractual, so let’s set that aside. Starring in the ironically snore-inducing Awake also may have sounded like a novel idea that just didn’t go anywhere and audiences, as a result, didn’t go to it. But agreeing to co-star opposite Dane Cook?!?!? That’s barely a step above being named to next season’s cast of Dancing with the Stars. I’ll keep my eyes out on the tv listings, Jessica.

Nominees: Jessica Alba (Awake, Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, Good Luck Chuck), Four Idiots Whose Names I Couldn’t Bother to Remember (Bratz), Elisha Cuthbert (Captivity), Diane Keaton (Because I Said So), Lindsay Lohan as Aubrey (I Know Who Killed Me), Lindsay Lohan as Dakota (I Know Who Killed Me).

Worst Supporting Actor: Rob Schneider for I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry

When I heard that Oscar-winner Jon Voight was in Bratz, a film based on a series of children’s dolls that look like really ugly, cheap Puerto Rican hookers who’ve O.D.’ed on collagen injections, I wanted to give him this category just based on sheer bad judgment. However, I think perennial Razzie-nominee Rob Schneider may have a lock on Worst Supporting Actor this year. As the most politically incorrect character in a film that claims to promote tolerance, but ultimately just makes a mockery of it, Schneider’s portrayal of a Chinese priest with coke-bottle glasses, a ricebowl haircut and a massive overbite is strictly bottom of the barrel comedy. Even for him.

Nominees: Orlando Bloom (Pirates of the Caribbean: At Wit’s End), Kevin James (I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry), Eddie Murphy as Mr. Wong (Norbit), Rob Schneider (I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry), Jon Voight (Bratz, National Treasure 2, September Dawn and Transformers).

Worst Supporting Actress: Julia Ormond for I Know Who Killed Me

Girlfriend, what the HELL happened to your career!?!?!? You starred in Legends of the Fall!!! You were Sabrina for chrissakes!!! I was really saddened to see Julia Ormond relegated to a throw-away role as Lindsay Lohan’s mom in a grade-Z horror flick. She served no purpose in the film and for her seven-or-so minutes of screentime, she gets to unconvincingly channel Shirley MacLaine at a hospital bedside and (in one of the most incredulous scenes in recent film history) witness her newly amnesiac, double-amputee daughter lose her virginity the day she gets out of the hospital. Ridiculous and truly embarrassing.

Nominees: Jessica Biel (I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry and Next), Carmen Electra (Epic Movie), Eddie Murphy as Rasputia (Norbit), Julia Ormond (I Know Who Killed Me), Nicolette Sheridan (Code Name: The Cleaner).

Worst Screen Couple: Lindsay Lohan & Lindsay Lohan for I Know Who Killed Me

Call it “art” imitating life I guess… One has to wonder if Lohan took this role just to flaunt the duality of her personality and thumb her nose at all her critics. The plot contrivance that results in her actually playing two characters is so poorly executed that there’s merely no other excuse. We get to bear full witness to the once innocent, little teenager who transforms into a whorish trainwreck, but are still left feeling as though we’re peeking in on one of Lohan’s real-life rehab sessions. I imagine she also thought the roles would somehow help her show range. However, even minus two limbs and with a mouth that would put a sewer to shame, she still comes off as just playing herself.

Nominees: Jessica Alba and either: Hayden Christensen (Awake) or Dane Cook (Good Luck Chuck) or Ioan Gruffudd (Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer), Any Combination of Two Totally Air-Headed Characters (Bratz), Lindsay Lohan & Lindsay Lohan (I Know Who Killed Me), Eddie Murphy as Norbit and either Eddie Murphy as Mr. Wong or Eddie Murphy as Rasputia (Norbit), Adam Sandler and either Kevin James or Jessica Biel (I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry).

Worst Re-make or Rip-off: Epic Movie

Like Date Movie, but somehow miraculously worse, Epic Movie looked to be filmed in stream of consciousness by an improv troupe that hadn’t seen any of the movies they were even attempting to parody. Maybe they watched the trailers. Even Jennifer Coolidge as The White Bitch, a parody of Tilda Swinton’s character from Narnia, wasn’t able to garner any laughs out of this stinkbomb. She’s typically a comedic scene-stealer, but even she wasn’t able to shine in this dull dud. The one bright spot was Crispin Glover’s uncanny, twisted impression of Willy Wonka -- though still not really funny, since that’s pretty much what he’s like in real life, right?

Nominees: Are We Done Yet? (Remake/Rip-off of Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House), Bratz (A rip-off if ever there was one!), Epic Movie (Rip-off of every movie it rips off), I Know Who Killed Me (Rip-off of Hostel, Saw and The Patty Duke Show), Who’s Your Caddy? (Rip-off of Caddyshack).

Worst Pre-quel or Sequel: Evan Almighty

A rare misfire for Steve Carrell. He tries to replace Jim Carrey and fails miserably. Even his two scenes in the original, Bruce Almighty, produced more laughs than this weird comedio-religious parable had throughout its entirety.

Nominees: Alien vs. Predator: Requiem, Daddy Day Camp, Evan Almighty, Hannibal Rising, Hostel: Part II.

Worst Director: Fred Savage for Daddy Day Camp

Yes, THAT Fred Savage. Yes, he’s directing now. Apparently, he’s been directing lots of kid-oriented television shows over the past few years, including an episode of Hannah Montana. And now he’s unfortunately bringing that crap to multiplexes. The Razzie may just go to him to discourage anymore of the same.

Nominees: Dennis Dugan (I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry), Roland Joffe (Captivity), Brian Robbins (Norbit), Fred Savage (Daddy Day Camp), Chris Siverston (I Know Who Killed Me).

Worst Screenplay: Epic Movie

It doesn’t appear to have had a screenplay, so I guess that would make it the worst. And by clocking in at just over an hour and five minutes, Epic Movie may very well have been written on the back of a cocktail napkin.

Nominees: Daddy Day Camp, Epic Movie, I Know Who Killed Me, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, Norbit.

Worst Excuse for a Horror Movie: Hostel: Part II

I don’t really understand the Hostel series. They’re not horror films and I don’t know why people keep calling them horror films. The original Hostel was basically 80 minutes of torture porn. It may be gross, but it’s in no way scary. In order to effectively manipulate an audience and scare them requires some level of talent. Showing gross-out make-up effects does not, nor does it make it a horror film. The first Hostel also at least primarily mutilated its male protagonists. Hostel: Part II is just a remake a year later with the genders switched and a couple of former Desperate Housewives stars thrown in once their contracts were up. Like there was a cross-over audience possibility?!?! Poor taste, poor girls… but still, not scary.

Note: If Norbit bumps I Know Who Killed Me out of Worst Movie, then the latter is sure to take this category instead.

Nominees: Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem, Captivity, Hannibal Rising, Hostel: Part II, I Know Who Killed Me.

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UPDATE: I only correctly called 3 out of 11 categories :( Worst Picture: I Know Who Killed Me, Worst Actor: Eddie Murphy, Worst Screen Couple: Lindsay Lohan and Lindsay Lohan.

Categories missed:

Worst Actress: (tie) Lindsay Lohan as Aubrey & Lindsay Lohan as Dakota for I Know Who Killed Me.

Even though I said they wouldn't award her this in a tie with herself and give her Worst Screen Couple as well -- they did. I guess they really wanted to make a statement.

Worst Supporting Actress: Eddie Murphy for Norbit

That's a copout. And it prevented I Know Who Killed Me from having a clean sweep among its nominations.

Worst Supporting Actor: Eddie Murphy for Norbit

So, I called the reason correctly at least. Instead of Rob Schneider getting the award for a racially insensitive portrayal of a Chinese man, Eddie Murphy took the gold for the same, with his offensive "Mr. Wong" character.

Worst Remake or Rip-off: I Know Who Killed Me

Lame, they only got this award to set a new record in Razzie wins -- 8, displacing former record-holders Showgirls and Battlefield Earth with 7 Razzies each.

Worst Prequel or Sequel: Daddy Day Camp

The only film outside of IKWKM and Norbit which got honored. I called it for Director and it won Worst Sequel instead -- same thing.

Worst Director: Chris Siverston for I Know Who Killed Me

I agree with this for all the reasons I explained in the Worst Picture category. Ultimately, someone had to be accountable for so many missteps in the production.

Worst Screenplay: I Know Who Killed Me

So I guess Epic Movie was disqualified for not having a screenplay...

Worst Excuse for a Horror Movie: I Know Who Killed Me

Didn't think it could pull off such as sweep, but now we know why they created this category for 2008.

Well, it was the year of I Know Who Killed Me and Norbit, all but shutting out their competition. The rest of my opinions still stand if you ever find yourself channel-surfing past one of 2007's worst and consider stopping.

iPhone is fragile!

“Do not drop, disassemble, open, crush, bend, deform, puncture, shred, microwave, incinerate, paint, or insert foreign objects into iPhone."

iPhone cannot be cleaned once dirty!

"Don’t use window cleaners, household cleaners, aerosol sprays, solvents, alcohol, ammonia, or abrasives to clean iPhone."

iPhone cannot be fixed!

"Never attempt to repair or modify iPhone yourself."

Don’t get iPhone wet!

"Do not use iPhone in rain, or near washbasins or other wet locations."

... Especially after midnight!

"Take care not to spill any food or liquid on iPhone."

If you get iPhone wet, just leave it alone and walk away…

"Do not attempt to dry iPhone with an external heat source, such as a microwave oven or hair dryer."

Once iPhone is angered, immediately proceed to an Apple store!

"If iPhone has been submerged in water, punctured, or subjected to a severe fall, do not use it until you take it to an authorized service provider."

iPhone is not for children!

"iPhone contains small parts, which may present a choking hazard to small children. Keep iPhone and its accessories away from small children."

iPhone may cause blindness!

"When watching video or reading text on iPhone, avoid prolonged use and take breaks to prevent eyestrain."

iPhone may cause hearing loss!

"iPhone may interfere with some hearing aids."

iPhone may cause heart failure!

"Persons with pacemakers:

• Should always keep iPhone more than six inches from their pacemaker when the phone is turned on
• Should not carry iPhone in a breast pocket
• Should use the ear opposite the pacemaker to minimize the potential for interference

If you have any reason to suspect that interference is taking place, turn off iPhone immediately."

iPhone may be radioactive!

"For body-worn operation, iPhone’s SAR measurement may exceed the FCC exposure guidelines if positioned less than 5/8 inch (15 mm) from the body. When on a call using the built-in audio receiver in iPhone, hold iPhone with the 30-pin connector pointed down toward your shoulder to increase separation from the antenna. For body-worn operation, keep iPhone at least 5/8 inch (15 mm) away from the body, and only use carrying cases, belt clips, or holders that do not have metal parts and that maintain at least 5/8 inch (15 mm) separation between iPhone and the body. When using the EDGE data transmission feature of iPhone (see “Connecting to the Internet” on page 21 for more information), position iPhone’s antenna at least 5/8 inch (15 mm) from the body. If you are still concerned about exposure to RF energy, you can further limit your exposure by limiting the amount of time using iPhone, since time is a factor in how much exposure a person receives, and by placing more distance between your body and iPhone, since exposure level drops off dramatically with distance."

iPhone may cause other bodily injury!

"When you perform repetitive activities such as typing on iPhone, you may experience occasional discomfort in your hands, arms, shoulders, neck, or other parts of your body. If you continue to have discomfort during or after such use, stop use and see a physician."

iPhone does not like doctors or hospitals of any kind!

"Turn off iPhone in health care facilities when any regulations posted in these areas instruct you to do so."

iPhone does not like safety devices or being restrained in any way!

"An air bag inflates with great force. Do not store iPhone or any of its accessories in the area over the air bag or in the air bag deployment area."

iPhone doesn’t like to go where it’s not wanted!

"Turn off iPhone in any facility where posted notices so require."

iPhone may cause unintended structural failure in buildings!

"To avoid interfering with blasting operations, turn off iPhone when in a “blasting area”."

iPhone go boom!

"Turn off iPhone (press and hold the Sleep/Wake button, and then drag the onscreen red slider) when in any area with a potentially explosive atmosphere."