A month or two ago I stopped living my life online. Yea, I still look up my blog every now and then and reply to my few blog friends. I may even read some blog postings of my friends or not if I'm not in the mood... the most important thing is I don't mistake it for the core of my life anymore. It's just a bunch of words, more or less true or "false", based on their moods at the moment, their thoughts, their ideas, their attitudes... It's not valid. If you see a person you can instantly say either you like them or not, nothing they could say or do later on can't really change it. Right?

Let me tell you how I re-discovered myself (THIS time! :P) It might be useful for you or not at all - why would I care? I'm writing for myself.

It so happened that I stopped communicating online a month or two ago (not sure) and at first it was quite a struggle with lots of spare time that I had no idea what to do with. So I checked on my blog every now and then and spent the rest of the days on the couch behind the stupid tv set. Occasionally visited my mom, convinced me it was a good, purposeful thing to do with my life. Basically I was bored to death.
But things started to change slowly. All of a sudden I felt a weird urge to wear feminine clothing. You may think it's a small thing but it wasn't. I have had my one trusty pair of trousers and a black T-shirt forever. For 4-5 years. My trousers are worn out - I'm forced to repair their crotch for ages because the fabric just became so thin and started to break. I didn't buy new ones, I kept repairing them. The one black T-shirt I had sure worn out and I bought a new one just like the old one had been. When I saw a British reality show How To Look Good Naked there was a woman who dressed up just like I had and she looked at her photo taken of her wearing her regular jeans and T-shirt (from distance) and she said - oh, it looks like a bloke! That's the way I looked like and that's te way I WANTED to look like. So it was sure that no man would ever want to look at me. Anyway, now I felt a sudden urge to dress up like a woman. I have no idea were it came from, I can only check my astrological horoscope at times and blame it. Suddenly I wanted to feel like a woman, look and a woman and BE a woman! My gosh! Why onEarth would I want that, WHY??? YOU tell me.......................... (again - can only blame the weird star contellations up there ;)

So. All of a sudden I wanted to wear lace and frills, something womenly. I bought a new pair of trousers - PURPLE! They fit nicely, not like an arbitrary bag I had before. I bought some other new stuff, amongat other things two expansive bras that made me look like I actually had a figure. A woman at work who visits a second hand store every day and dresses up like a model started bringing me clothes - all womenly stuff. Soon I had so many clothes that I was totally lost - what should I wear? I was used to the same trousers and same T-shirt every morning - no need to think. Now it was quite scary!

I made it even harder by buying me 2 pairs of DECENT shoes from a catalogue. Since I'm big and fat I never found my size in the stores, so I just gave up and wore a pair that that kind woman once found me from the second hand place - some real worn out sandals that were a little small but stretched out and comfortable. Now I bought 2 pairs for over 1600 kroons (160 dollars) and when I told my son he just couldn't believe it. One pair was 999 kroons (99.9 dollars) and he kept saying to himself "YOU bought shoes that cost 1000 kroons??? YOU bought shoes that cost 1000 kroons??? YOU?????

Yeah, ME!

Then Marit, my friend, turned 40. I couldn't go to the big party, had to work that day, but she called me later and said we could go to Tartu. Kaja was here on her vacation from Ireland, Heli is living here with her British husband for now, they were both in Tartu and Marit, the busy business woman was suddenly willing to drive there. We took off on Thursday and came back on Saturday and it was overly liberating experience for me. At first I put on my purple trousers and a fashionable top that had more colors than black on it. It has dark yellows and purple, actually. And I put on my new womenly shoes. Yeah. Well. I actually received some COMPLIMENTS on how i looked! YES! Can you believe it? And all I could reply was "thank you" because I considered them some fair compliments - I really felt like I looked better than I had looked for years!

I took more than one outfits with me to Tartu and lots of jewellery, too! It was almost ridiculous! I never got a chance to wear it all but at least I had made an effort! I sure showed everything to my girlfriends and they were unhappy that I didn't take more from work, they said they could have bought some. Anyway, I felt womenly. Honest to God.

When I got back abd went to work first day I bought another thingy to wear for the shop next door and the way I presented it made another lady at work go there and buy something for herself, too. Can you believe it?? They said I was GLOWING! And glittering! =)) =)) I did.

I can't understand that but ever since I look at my reflection on windows I feel beautiful. I can't explain it. In a mirror I still look like I looked before - I'm obese, I'm old, I'm nothing like those young slim models but I can't help it- I see a beautiful woman. It's the weirdest thing I've ever met and I can't understand it.

Behold, it becomes even weirder! But first some photos of our trip to Tartu. I picked the ones that reflect the mood the best:

A road-cop

Common view of Estonia from a car window

The "HOLLYOOD" sign near Tartu. It was the first time someone pulled over for me to take a pic of it and I found it nearly collapsed... But still funny ;))

Kaja (Jänes=Rabbit), Marit and James, Heli's son.

The night of the Rock Opera.

Breakfast table at Heli's

Chillin' (Kaja and Marit)

Morning coffee in the garden (Marit and Kaja acting as models)

A rainy morning didn't stop us either... (Marit, Kaja, Heli)

OK. Now going along with my "total changing outwardly" came my chancing inwardly. My life had been for years like this:

or this:

It changed. All of a sudden I discovered the purpose of my life! YES!

You know they say that everyone was born for something etc. That we all have some task in life that we have to find out of and then live up to it if possible, blah-blah-blah... Well, I found mine yesterday or the day before.

At the age of 6 I knew it. At the age of 14 I knew it as well and soon I rushed to drop the school and any other institutions to start to accomplish it. Which soon started to seem like a crusade and under loads of opinions that I've made a bad choice I started to break a little.

My purpose in life has been so simple - it is to

There was no comprehension for me. As soon as one enters the society and meets the society's rules they have to dance to it's music, I suppose. No. They don't HAVE TO but they get so many signs and sayings that it certainly must look like it. Now there one needs a parent to guide one through all the shortcomings, all the misunderstandings... I didn't have it. I found a man who really liked my body and who wanted to fuck me every night many times and it looked like something that could protect me from anything bad that happened outside this castle. I definitely sold my freedom for some safety, I had no experiences to question it.

'know what? I have it back now. No man can tell me what I'm worth because I know my worth. I'm worth as much as any other of you and more aware of it than most of all will ever be. I'm in love. That's my purpose in life.

Do you notice what's wrong with this picture above? I didn't before now. I thought this pcture represented LOVE and just in the way I knew it, from my many bitter years of experience. She's holding ON to her love. Either it's someone else's heart she's holding to herself or it's her own heart she's holding onto - she's equally wrong (although it may be just the level of her comprehension). Love is something you give. You can give it freely away and it will never end. How cool is that?? Love doesn't need an object. No, REALLY, it doesn't. But you have to live to understanding that.

The most perfect pic of love for me at the moment is this:

I haven't changed. I still want to give all of me, I just feel that need which is sometimes beyond my reason and sometimes just in harmony with it. I'm trying, just like any other of you.

Been for as long as I can remember :) Everything is perfect about this song.
Tomorrow, Marit and I will hit the road again ;)) We'll meet the girls in Tartu and hopefully spend some great time together, the 4 of us, like in old days. Makes me smile.

So I'm smiling now