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Tools and Their True Uses: DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your pop across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Yeouwch!!”

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of Blood-blisters. The tool most often used by all women.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 4X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin, "which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. The accessory socket within the base has been permanently rendered useless, unless requiring a source of 120vac power to shock the mechanic senseless.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids, opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also , used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit. Primarily used to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. It is also useful for removing large chunks of human flesh from the user's hands.

DAGNABIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAGNABIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need!!!

Tuesday January 29, 2008 - 04:28pm (EST) Permanent Link | 0 Comments
"I Needed This": A little girl had been shopping with her Mom in Target. She must have been 6 years old, this beautiful red haired, freckle faced image of innocence. It was pouring outside. The kind of rain that gushes over the top of rain gutters, so much in a hurry to hit the earth it has no time to flow down the spout. We all stood there under the awning and just inside the door of the Target.

We waited, some patiently, others irritated because nature messed up their hurried day. I am always mesmerized by rainfall. I got lost in the sound and sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the world. Memories of running, splashing so carefree as a child came pouring in as a welcome reprieve from the worries of my day.

The little voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all caught in "Mom let's run through the rain," she said.

"What?" Mom asked.

"Lets run through the rain!" She repeated.

"No, honey. We'll wait until it slows down a bit," Mom replied.

This young child waited about another minute and repeated: "Mom, let's run through the rain,"

"We'll get soaked if we do," Mom said.

"No, we won't, Mom. That's not what you said this morning," the young girl said as she tugged at her Mom's arm.

This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and not get wet? "Don't you remember? When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer, you said, 'If God can get us through this, he can get us through anything!"

The entire crowd stopped dead silent. I swear you couldn't hear anything but the rain. We all stood silently. No one came or left in the next few minutes.

Mom paused and thought for a moment about what she would say. Now some would laugh it off and scold her for being silly. Some might even ignore what was said. But this was a moment of affirmation in a young child's life. A time when innocent trust can be nurtured so that it will bloom into faith.

"Honey, you are absolutely right. Let's run through the rain. If GOD let's us get wet, well maybe we just needed washing," Mom said.

Then off they ran. We all stood watching, smiling and laughing as they darted past the cars and yes, through the puddles. They held their shopping bags over their heads just in case. They got soaked. But they were followed by a few who screamed and laughed like children all the way to their cars.

And yes, I did. I ran. I got wet. I needed washing.

Circumstances or people can take away your material possessions, they can take away your money, and they can take away your health. But no one can ever take away your precious memories...So, don't forget to make time and take the opportunities to make memories everyday. To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under heaven.

I HOPE YOU STILL TAKE THE TIME TO RUN THROUGH THE RAIN.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them. Send this to the people you'll never forget and remember to also send it to the person who sent it to you. It's a short message to let them know that you'll never forget them.

If you don't send it to anyone, it means you're in a hurry.

Take the time to live!!!

Keep in touch with your friends, you never know when you'll need each other .

Wednesday December 26, 2007 - 11:26am (EST) Permanent Link | 0 Comments
Remember My Birthday?: As you well know, we are getting closer to my birthday. Every year there is a celebration in my honor, and I think that this year the celebration will be repeated. During this time there are many people shopping for gifts; there are many radio announcements and TV commercials; and in every part of the world everyone is talking that my birthday is getting closer and closer. It is really very nice to know, that at least once a year, some people think of me.

As you know, the celebration of my birthday began many years ago. At first, people seemed to understand and be thankful of all that I did for them; but in these times, no one seems to know the reason for the celebration. Family and friends get together and have a lot of fun, but they don't know the meaning of the celebration.

I remember that last year there was a great feast in my honor. The dinnertable was full of delicious foods, pastries, fruits, assorted nuts, and chocolates. The decorations were exquisite, and there were many, many beautifully wrapped gifts. But, do you want to know something? I wasn't invited. I was the guest of honor, and they didn't remember to send me an invitation. The party was for me, but when that great day came, I was left outside. They closed the door in my face.........and I wanted to be with them and share their table. In truth, that didn't surprise me because in the last few years all closed their doors to me.

Since I was not invited, I decided to enter the party without making any noise. I went in and stood in a corner. They were all drinking; there were some who were drunk and telling jokes and laughing at everything. They were having a great time.

To top it all, this big fat man all dressed in red and wearing a long white beard entered the room yelling, "Ho! Ho! Ho!" He seemed drunk. He sat on the sofa and all the children ran to him, saying, "Santa Claus! Santa Claus!".......as if the party were in his honor!

At midnight all the people began to hug each other. I extended my arms, waiting for someone to hug me and....do you know....no one hugged me. Suddenly they all began to share gifts. They opened them one by one with great expectation. When all had been opened, I looked to see if, maybe, there was one for me. What would you feel like if on your birthday everybody shared gifts and you did not get one? I then understood that I was unwanted at that party and quietly left.

Every year it gets worse. People only remember to eat and drink, the gifts, the parties,......and nobody remembers me.

For this Christmas, I would like that you allow me to enter into your life. I would like that you recognize the fact that almost two thousand years ago I came to this world to give my life for you on the cross to save you. Today, I only want that you believe this with all your heart.

I want to share something with you. As many didn't invite me to their party, I will have my own celebration, a grandiose party that no one has ever imagined, a spectacular party. I'm still making the final arrangements.

Today I am sending out many invitations and there is an invitation for you. I want to know if you wish to attend, and I will make a reservation for you and write your name with golden letters in my great guest book. Only those on the guest list will be invited to the party. Those who don't answer the invitation, will be left outside.

Do you know how you can answer this invitation??? It is by extending it to others whom you care for...I'll be waiting for all of you to attend my party this year.

See you soon...I love you!
-Jesus-

........................................................................................................

I will lift up my eyes to the heavens; from where shall my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. Psalm 121:1-2

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JESUS!

Tags: christmas, jesusbirthday, jesusisthereasonfortheseason

Monday December 3, 2007 - 07:51pm (EST) Permanent Link | 0 Comments
Are YOU Older than dirt?: "Hey Dad," one of my kids asked the other day, "What was your favorite
fast food when you were growing up ? " "We didn't have fast food when I
was growing up," I informed him. "All the food was slow."

"C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat ?"

"It was a place called 'at home,'" I explained. "Grandma cooked every
day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the
dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was
allowed to sit there until I did like it."

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to
suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about
how I had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other
things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system
could have handled it:

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis , set foot on a
golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their
later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card
was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck.
Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.

My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because
we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50
pounds, and only had one speed, (slow). We didn't have a television in
our house until I was 11, but my grandparents had one before that. It
was, of course, black and white, but they bought a piece of colored
plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the
bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was
perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across
someone's lawn on a sunny day. Some people had a lens taped to the front of the
TV to make the picture look larger.

I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called "pizza pie."
When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off,
swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too.
It's still the best pizza I ever had.

We didn't have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car in our
family was my grandfather's Ford. He called it a "machine."

I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in
the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you
had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already
using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered
newspapers. I delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of
which I got to keep 2 cents. I had to get up at 4 AM every morning..
On Saturday, I had to collect the 42 cents from my customers. My
favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the
change. My least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never
be home on collection day.

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the
movies. Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called French
kissing and they didn't do that in movies. I don't know what they did in
French movies. French movies were dirty and we weren't allowed to see
them.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want
to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren..
Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.

Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it ?

MEMORIES from a friend:

My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December)
and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a
stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was,
but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a
salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of
the ironing board to "sprinkle" clothes with because we didn't have
steam irons. Man, I am old.

How many do you remember ?

Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
Real ice boxes.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

Older Than Dirt Quiz:

Count all the ones that you remember, NOT the ones you were told about
! Your ratings at the bottom.

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
6 Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16 Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19 Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt !

I might be older than dirt but those memories are the best part of my
life.

Monday November 19, 2007 - 03:08pm (EST) Permanent Link | 0 Comments
JESUS & THE MUD PUDDLE: (You gotta believe a
6 year old)

Howard County Sheriff Jerry Marr got a
disturbing call one Saturday afternoon a few months ago. His 6-year-old
grandson Mikey had been hit by a car while fishing in Greentown with his
dad.

The father and son were near a bridge by the
Kokomo Reservoir when a woman lost control of her car, slid off the
bridge and hit Mikey at a rate of about 50 mph. Sheriff Marr had seen
the results of accidents like this and feared the worst. When he got to
Saint Joseph Hospital, he rushed through the emergency room to find
Mikey conscious and in fairly good spirits.
"Mikey, what happened?" Sheriff Marr asked.
Mikey replied, "Well, Papaw, I was fishin' with Dad, and some lady
runned me over, I flew into a mud puddle, and broke my fishin' pole and
I didn't get to catch no fish!"

As it turned out, the impact propelled Mikey
about 500 feet, over a few trees and an embankment and in the middle of
a mud puddle. His only injuries were to his right femur bone which had
broken in two places. Mikey had surgery to place pins in his leg.
Otherwise the boy is fine.

Since all the boy could talk about was that his
fishing pole was broken, the Sheriff went out to Wal-mart and bought him
a new one while he was in surgery so he could have it when he came out.

The next day the Sheriff sat with Mikey to keep
him company in the hospital. Mikey was enjoying his new fishing pole and
talked about when he could go fishing again as he cast into the trash
can.

When they were alone, Mikey, just as
matter-of-fact, said, "Papaw, did you know Jesus is real?

Well," the Sheriff replied, a little startled.
"Yes, Jesus is real to all who believe in him and love him in their
hearts."

"No," said Mikey. "I mean Jesus is REALLY real."

"What do you mean?" asked the Sheriff.

"I know he's real 'cause I saw him." said Mikey,
still casting into the trash can.

"You did?" said the Sheriff.

"Yep," said Mikey. "When that lady runned me
over and broke my fishing pole, Jesus caught me in his arms and laid me
down in the mud puddle."

GIVES YOU GLORY BUMPS DOESN'T IT!

GOD WILL DO THE REST.

I asked the Lord to bless you as I prayed for
you today to guide you and protect you as you go along your way.

His love is always with you.

His promises are true and when we give Him all
our cares you know He will see us through

So when the road you're traveling on seems
difficult at best just remember I'm here praying and GOD WILL DO THE
REST.

FAITH IS NOT BELIEVING THAT GOD CAN... IT IS
KNOWING THAT HE WILL

"BE KINDER THAN NECESSARY. EVERYONE IS FIGHTING
SOME KIND OF BATTLE." ---UNKNOWN

If God didn't have a purpose for us We wouldn't
be here!

Thursday November 8, 2007 - 09:47pm (EST) Permanent Link | 0 Comments