I am a small butterfly, flying all day, singing all the time, free and happy all year,until one day, sleeping... forever
Waking up at 11 something, going to school, making up test and fail it…of course
Lying in the car alone for hours, listening to music, feeling stupid
Nothing special, no miracles, no magic, no luck, nothing super cool will fall on me just because today is my birthday or because friend saying Happy Birthday to me.
I know this for years…but who know, everyone has a little hope
Driving around to this and that place for no reason
Nothing interesting, nothing fun, driving home…although that is the place I want to avoid the most
Showering, eating dinner, listening to music, online, and… arguing with mom again,
Which ruining my mood for staying home alone
Already checking all my mail, checking all blogs and site
Now what? Nothing
So I live, survive, exist, whatever it is for 21 years already?
Wow, it is a long time. I am bored and tired of living already. Wonder what those people who live up to 60 or something think.
I rather die young…today is a good day. People don’t have to remember another day
Wonder who will remember and for how long. Not many for sure…
To Princess
You gave me the best time of my life. Full of laugh, imagination, curiosity, hope, dreams, happiness, innocent and lot of good things. Too bad, I lost you long time ago. I tried to find you back but it was impossible. You are too good to be true. But thanks to you, I am able to smile when I think about my short childhood
To Yumi
You are my only strength, my conscience, my only friend, the only reliable person that I can trust during my hardest, darkest, loneliest, and craziest time. You helped me stand up and live again. You always protect me, do thing for my benefit, and teaches me to be strong (sometimes against my wish). You are my darkside, my evil twin. Thanks to you I become the person I am today. I even owe you my life. You are still standing beside me now, but I wonder if it is a blessing or a curse
To Joey
You were my perfect reflection. You had a happy family, a brother who spoiled you, a cheerful and happy smile. You were talented and able to make people love you easily. You have everything that I don’t. I adored you, was jealous with you, attracted to you, and loved you at the same time, even now. But thanks to you, my world was suddenly brighter and full of hope. I have some warmness, some smiles, some fun, and friends. You give my good memory whether it’s real or not.
To Naomy L.
You are my ambition, my dream, my goal, and my role model. You are perfect and flawless, even your weakness is admirable. You are talented than all people I have ever meet, smart, kindhearted, successful, and all that I want to be. You entered my life quietly and eventually become so important. Now, I can’t image my life without you. Your and my life cross, entwist many times that sometimes I mistake your life as mine. Because of you, I learn to try harder, to live happier, to dream big and to believe in me, in people and in life. I started to think more and more about my reasons to live, what I have to do to reach up to you, to be as useful, and succeed like you. Thanks to you, I look at life in a new way and trying to live my life to the fullness.
With all of you staying with me, sometimes I can’t tell the different between dream world and real world anymore. I don’t know how it happens, I got myself tangled in a big mess of expectation, stress, busy schedule, uncontrollable emotions, goals, dreams, failing, lies, responsibilities, money, family, friends, etc things. I am so tired, bored about everything; hate more than love; sleep more than awake; dream even when I am not sleeping. Step by step, day by day, I feel like I am losing something. Me. I am not the one I was before, not the one I am so proud of, not the one aiming for perfection and have confident to do it. Lately, I always feel so bad that I want to end all of it. The boredom and disappointment are killing me. I want to do anything, trade anything to get out of the mess. An empty life, a busy life, whatever is better than a lost life, with no direction and meaningless.
So my Birthday wish is to end this life.
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