So this day finally comes. My birthday, 21 years old, being an adult, growing up

Waking up at 11 something, going to school, making up test and fail it…of course

Lying in the car alone for hours, listening to music, feeling stupid

Nothing special, no miracles, no magic, no luck, nothing super cool will fall on me just because today is my birthday or because friend saying Happy Birthday to me.

I know this for years…but who know, everyone has a little hope

Driving around to this and that place for no reason

Nothing interesting, nothing fun, driving home…although that is the place I want to avoid the most

Showering, eating dinner, listening to music, online, and… arguing with mom again,

Which ruining my mood for staying home alone

Already checking all my mail, checking all blogs and site

Now what? Nothing

So I live, survive, exist, whatever it is for 21 years already?

Wow, it is a long time. I am bored and tired of living already. Wonder what those people who live up to 60 or something think.

I rather die young…today is a good day. People don’t have to remember another day

Wonder who will remember and for how long. Not many for sure…

To Princess

You gave me the best time of my life. Full of laugh, imagination, curiosity, hope, dreams, happiness, innocent and lot of good things. Too bad, I lost you long time ago. I tried to find you back but it was impossible. You are too good to be true. But thanks to you, I am able to smile when I think about my short childhood

To Yumi

You are my only strength, my conscience, my only friend, the only reliable person that I can trust during my hardest, darkest, loneliest, and craziest time. You helped me stand up and live again. You always protect me, do thing for my benefit, and teaches me to be strong (sometimes against my wish). You are my darkside, my evil twin. Thanks to you I become the person I am today. I even owe you my life. You are still standing beside me now, but I wonder if it is a blessing or a curse

To Joey

You were my perfect reflection. You had a happy family, a brother who spoiled you, a cheerful and happy smile. You were talented and able to make people love you easily. You have everything that I don’t. I adored you, was jealous with you, attracted to you, and loved you at the same time, even now. But thanks to you, my world was suddenly brighter and full of hope. I have some warmness, some smiles, some fun, and friends. You give my good memory whether it’s real or not.

To Naomy L.

You are my ambition, my dream, my goal, and my role model. You are perfect and flawless, even your weakness is admirable. You are talented than all people I have ever meet, smart, kindhearted, successful, and all that I want to be. You entered my life quietly and eventually become so important. Now, I can’t image my life without you. Your and my life cross, entwist many times that sometimes I mistake your life as mine. Because of you, I learn to try harder, to live happier, to dream big and to believe in me, in people and in life. I started to think more and more about my reasons to live, what I have to do to reach up to you, to be as useful, and succeed like you. Thanks to you, I look at life in a new way and trying to live my life to the fullness.

With all of you staying with me, sometimes I can’t tell the different between dream world and real world anymore. I don’t know how it happens, I got myself tangled in a big mess of expectation, stress, busy schedule, uncontrollable emotions, goals, dreams, failing, lies, responsibilities, money, family, friends, etc things. I am so tired, bored about everything; hate more than love; sleep more than awake; dream even when I am not sleeping. Step by step, day by day, I feel like I am losing something. Me. I am not the one I was before, not the one I am so proud of, not the one aiming for perfection and have confident to do it. Lately, I always feel so bad that I want to end all of it. The boredom and disappointment are killing me. I want to do anything, trade anything to get out of the mess. An empty life, a busy life, whatever is better than a lost life, with no direction and meaningless.

So my Birthday wish is to end this life.

L nloo pbvhoi wrqljkw, krslqlqj iru d uheruq wrpuuz.

what did you do two days before your 21st birthday? or what will you do on that day?
I don' know
I think about a lot of things today.
unclear fragments, some forgotten mistakes, some decisions
I have a plan; dangerous, crazy, daring, huge and perfect plan to change my life
all of my neurons are working at full speed now, running around, connecting memories, etc things
so mess up in there that i don't know what to think anymore, hahah
just find my dream world again tonight
Try my best to live happily my last 2 days

Tối nay lại là 1 đêm khó qua
Thiệt không vui
Muốn khóc
Cảm giác rất tồi tệ
Chuyện gì cũng không thoải mái và suông sẽ
Cũng không biết bản thân sai ở đâu
Kiếm không ra người để trút trách nhiện, hay đỗ lỗi
Thật ra tại sao lại trở thành như vầy chứ? không muốn...
Cảm thấy thật vô dụng, không có chút nghị lực nào, từ bao giờ đã trở thành người đáng ghét vậy?
ghét thất bại, nhưng giờ còn tệ hơn thất bại...đang tự thả trôi mọi thứ...

Yumi trở về rồi
cô ấy lại làm tôi bị thương
Thật tối, cô ta cứ cắt và cắt, cũng không biết là cắt nhiều và sâu vậy
lúc đó không đau lắm nhưng giờ máu rỉ ra rồi
Đã lâu không thấy cổ tay mình đỏ vậy, rát quá
Rocking back and front, crying and laughing

Yumi, cô ta đang cười
Cười tôi vô dụng, cười tôi điên, cười tôi yếu đuối, cười tôi sợ đau, cười tôi không có can đảm, cười tôi phải nhờ tới cô ta mới có thể khóc
thật lạnh quá, thật khó chịu, thật buồn
nhưng sao lại không đau nữa, không rát nữa, máu cũng đã đông lại, nước mắt cũng đã không chảy nữa rồi
phải làm sao đây?
muốn khóc thật nhiều,khóc đến không còn nước mắt, đến chảy máu...nhưng không cách nào

Yumi lại nhìn em bằng ánh mắt đó
Ánh mắt chỉ có cô ta mới có thể giúp
như bị thôi miên, đã đưa dao cạo cho cô ấy
Cô ta nắm tay tôi, ấn mạnh lưỡi dao
Nhìn máu từ từ rỉ ra từ vết cắt, cảm giác thật kì diệu, màu đỏ thật đẹp

Giờ thì không chỉ Yumi mà tôi cũng tự cười mình, thật ngốc
vẫn không khóc ra được, chỉ cảm giác như mình lại đánh mất cái gì đó
Yumi lại cắt thêm vài đường nhưng đã không còn tác dụng

Cuộn tròn trong bóng tối
Nhìn cổ tay đầy vết cắt và máu
Nghe những bài nhạc vu vơ không ý nghĩa
Đầu óc trống trỗng
Đôi mắt ráo hoảnh...