Again, a couple of months have gone by again. It has been a rough couple of months. My stomach has been giving me hell again, I have been fighting off depression for the first time in decades, and have been sick on top of all that. I am finally feeling a bit better this weekend and got quite a bit done around here. I still have a lot more to do, but I am feeling good about it.

The puppies are getting bigger by the day. Squiggy is getting really fat. Gigi has decided to do Snoopy impersonations by sitting on top of the dog house. Of course , Ruby is still the princess of the property. Mickey is talking a lot now. He says ‘come ‘ere, come ‘ere’, ‘come on, come on’ “Jennifer’, two forms of ‘hello’, ‘oh my God’, he has a noise that sounds like Ruby’s squeak toy, a noise that sounds like a little yappy dog barking, and several different whistles. He enjoys running around on the floor in the evenings now too. We got another stand built for two more rabbit cages and one more cage built. We got another doe from Jan today to put in the cage. Haven’t decided what to name her yet though. We did finally get all the roosters butchered, so now we just have the hens left. They are still laying an average of a dozen eggs a day and we are now having problems getting rid of them. We took the price up to 2.00 a dozen, and no one wants to pay that. We got about half of the fence put up in the back of the property and another 80 ft. of the three rail across the front of the property. We moved the burn pit to the back of the property and got three piles of the cleared trees torn down completely and a good start on one of the piles in the back. It is all moving along slowly, but surely. We figured out that we got screwed on the farm truck that we bought. We have decided that I need to go back to work again for a bit so we can pay off some of our bills. We needed to turn the ‘farm truck’ into a vehicle I could drive to a job. It will not pass inspection because the previous owners took off all the emissions stuff. It will cost way too much to replace the stuff that was taken off. I am not sure what we will do now. The winter garden is going pretty well this year. We have cabbage, broccoli, and romaine lettuce. I didn’t get the brussel sprouts planted in time. We still have to plant the onions soon. We butchered the tom turkey for the Winter Solstice meal. He weighed 41 pounds dressed. The turkey pen was turned back into the puppies pen and we moved them out of the end of the garden.

That’s what has been happening around the growing farm. On the net front, I am way behind on the site. I am working on getting the Boston Legal site ready to go public, but not moving at near the speed I want to. I am hoping to finish getting caught up with cleaning the house and getting things organized again this week, and getting the Boston Legal site public by next weekend. Jan turned me onto a really cool blog spot. The Pioneer Woman, (http://thepioneerwoman.com/) and her cooking site (http://thepioneerwomancooks.com/). I have become addicted to her blog. She is so funny. You have to check her out.

More recent musings. I never tire of ‘people watching’. Friday, we did our bi-weekly shopping. We stopped at a sandwich shop to get something to eat when we had finished. It was one of those places that gives you a number when you order and they call your number when your order is ready. Hubby and I were the only customers in the place when we got our sandwiches. Two ladies came in and placed their order, then took their seat while they waited for the order to be ready. Did I tell you that hubby and I were the only other customers in the place? Did I also mention that we had already gotten our order and were chowing down? The worker called out ‘Number 160 and 161’. Both ladies sat as if they hadn’t heard the announcement. When the worker called the numbers again, they both dug in their purses and fished out their receipts while saying things like, ‘Is that our number?’, ‘Do you remember the number he gave us?’. Once they both looked at their receipts and figured out that it was indeed their number, they approached the worker and asked, ‘Is this ours?’. I’m watching the whole thing and looking around the place and thinking ‘WTF?’ I couldn’t help bursting out laughing.

Speaking of strange: Tonight we did a bit of channel surfing after Extreme Home Makeover and came across the last hour of the Guinness World Book of Records thing. I just want to ask WHY? Why do these people do the things they do, just to ‘hold a record’? The longest piece of spaghetti sucked through one’s nose? Kicking one’s self in the head the most during a given period of time? Squirting milk out of the eye? The most body piercings in one setting? WHY????

Again, I make ANOTHER resolution to update this blog more often. We will see how that goes.

Well, here we are a full seven months later. I'm just not good at this blog thing at all. I will try to bring you up to date.

I am still having the same problems with my stomach, although it isn't as bad lately. They ran every test in the books, and found nothing wrong. Well, nothing that would cause the kind of pain that I experience.

The garden was hit and miss this year. We are not sure that we are going to keep the raised beds. I have most of my winter garden planted now. The spinach died right away, and I haven't been able to find anymore. I still need to plant my Brussels sprouts, carrots and onions in January. The cabbage, lettuce and squash are doing well so far.

Cliff was finally able to get the acre cleared that we were waiting on, and the weather has cooled down enough for us to work outside again. Charles ran over a nest of land hornets this summer and got stung about 18 times. It was pretty bad. The next weekend our neighbor ran over one and got stung about 22 times. We watch very carefully now when we are working in the yard. I threw my back out really bad this summer too. Doing something really stupid, like trying to lift the tractor..:( It is doing much better now though. We bought a thing called a 'garage in a box' and finally got it put up a couple of weeks ago. We have moved the tractor and a bunch of the yard tools, the wheel barrow, the trailer, etc. in there so that we have more room to work in the garage.

Ruby is doing great. She loves being outside with us when we work on the yard. She loves to help also. When she sees us pull the vines down out of the trees, she will jump up and grab some too and try to pull them down. When she sees us pulling limbs and stuff from the wood piles left from the clearing, she tries to pull limbs out too and carry them to the burn area. When Charles occasionally leaves her in the house when he is mowing or something, Ruby lays on the couch watching daddy out the window and sighs heavily. Our little farm is starting to grow a bit. We had the two rabbits that we had bought from Jan until last weekend. The female was dead when we came home from Oklahoma. We also still have the two pet rabbits that we bought and now have two babies that will be ready to sell in a week or two. We bought two turkeys, Thanksgiving and Christmas. We went to butcher Thanksgiving that morning, and found that a raccoon had gotten to her first. Ruby's dog run had been turned into the turkey run. We now have wire over the top of it also so the raccoon’s can't get to Christmas. We have five roosters that run the property during the day. We lock them up in their own little 'stud row' building at night. When they get too far from their area, I turn Ruby loose and tell her to 'take them home' and she runs them back to the animal area. She has started to be bored with that little game now and I sometimes have to help her with that. We have 17 hens, which include Jan's last two hens. We have Barred Rocks, Black Astroloups, Rhode Island Reds, New Hampshire Reds, and Buff Orpingtons. The ladies are kept separate from the roosters. We plan on butchering the roosters soon. The ladies laid really good for us all summer. They have slowed down a bit now that the weather has cooled off. Next year, we plan on building a bigger coup and run and getting 50 layers and 25 meat hens that we will butcher when they are about 6 months old so that they are still tender. We are hoping that 25 will last us through the year and that the 50 layers will keep ourselves and the few customers that we have found this summer in eggs almost all year anyway. We have started looking for a few more meat rabbits now. We would like to find a couple Californians and a couple New Zealands. We have two cages that Charles built that we use for the momma and baby rabbits and then we have bought the rest. We found that we can buy them for cheaper than we can make them. We are once again working on the fences, now that the weather is not too hot to be out there working. We have about 90 feet left on the front three rail. We have decided where the horses will be, where the pigs and goats will be also. We just have to get the cross fencing done and the barn and out buildings built. I still don't have my flower gardens planted yet, or my seating area or hammock area done. The outdoor kitchen hasn't even been really planned out yet. We are making progress though. I still wish I could just twinkle my nose and have it all done. We also have an African Grey parrot named Mickey that was given to us. He is starting to get used to us and we work with him every night. He is starting to talk again too. His previous owner had him for 15 years, but recently got a divorce and had to go back to work. She didn't have time to spend with Mickey anymore and he was getting some bad habits going from being neglected. He was biting, pulling all his feathers out and just being a big brat when we got him. He now will sit on our hands and play on the back of the couch a bit. Him and Ruby are learning to respect each others space and he is starting to talk and whistle pretty little tunes. He says the funniest things. He still calls for his previous owners daughter now and then. Her name is Jennifer. He says 'Oh my god!', 'come 'ere', 'you brat' and silly little things like that. He makes noises that sound like Ruby's squeak toys too. If he thinks we are ignoring him too much, he lifts the floor of his cage and lets it fall loudly back into place. We also still have the main three cats, Schizzy, Ebony, and Whiskers. Whiskers hurt her back leg (we have recently decided that Whiskers is a she) and has stayed in the garage for a little over a month now. She still won't let us touch her, so we just put food and water and a litter box out there for her and hope that she heals well. I saw her moving around yesterday and she didn't seem to be limping anymore, but she is still afraid to leave the garage. Ebony comes into heat regularly and sometimes seems to be pregnant, but in the two years we have lived here, I have yet to find any kittens. I don't know what she does with them. I am really starting to miss having an inside kitty, so I wouldn't be surprised if we add another inside animal soon. We also have two new puppies. They are about 8 weeks old now. One is a lab/blue healer mix that we named Gigi. She is such a cutie and really innocent. Her paws are huge though, so she promises to be a pretty good size girl when she is full grown. The other is a red healer/blue healer mix. He is such a cutie too. We named him Squiggy because when you try to hold him, he squiggles around so much. He is a little piggy and is getting really fat. I'm not too worried about it right now though, since they are still puppies. I am sure he will thin down. For the time being, we fenced off the 8 foot add on to the garden to give them a place to stay. Once we get the main fence up, they will have the run of the yard. We bring them in one at a time now to try to house break them in case we need to bring them in for bad weather or something, but they are mostly outside dogs.

Lets see, what else can I tell you before I get to the sad stuff? I am still rolling my own smokes and still making jerky. I got a laptop this summer so that I don't have to go upstairs to work on the computer, so I am able to spend a lot more time working on the TV MegaSite again. Gisele took over the daytime manager job and Thane took over the volunteer manager job, so I am just operations manager now. I work a lot more on the primetime side of the site now and am trying to put together our Boston Legal section. Hopefully, I will have that ready to go public soon. I still haven't quite figured out how to mess with 'myspace' yet, so Rene went in and did a bit of touch up for me. I hope to be able to work more with it pretty soon. At least I know how to put the blog stuff up. I will also post this on 360 and my other blogspot, if I can remember how to do that one. I am still doing my crochet, sewing, and needlepoint. I also started getting into making jewelry. Wire and beads stuff. It is interesting and I am having fun. I want to get back into the candles, oils, and learn how to do the soaps and stuff too. Of course, I also plan on doing all the canning and stuff, and want to learn to make butter and cheese once we get a milk cow. Charles is trying to rebuild our server, so we should have our websites back on line before long.

We went to Ren Fair and the Civil War thing again this year. I got me a bonnet and a couple of snoods. Charles thinks I look 10 years older in the snoods, but I don't care. I really like them. I also love my bonnet. I put my hair up in a bun when I work out in the yard. When it is up in a bun, I can't wear my hat to keep the sun off my head. The bonnet solves that problem. It has the sun visor thing, and is big enough in the back to fit over the bun. It might look silly as all get up in this day and age, but it is very practical and I like it. I know this last weekend I looked utterly ridiculous. I had on jeans, a t-shirt, my boots, a tool-belt full of nails, hammers, levels, pencil, and measuring tape, and my bonnet. We were building the fence. Our neighbor, Scott, drove by and stopped and had to comment on how 'cute' the bonnet was. LOL. I know he was thinking how 'stupid' I looked, but I don't care. Looking 'pretty' just doesn't mix with building fences.

Okay, I guess I have put this off as long as I can. Most of you know that I found my birth family a few years ago. We were lucky enough to visit with them a few times since then and I have gotten to know them all a little bit. Mom and dad came and stayed a week with me when Charles went to Singapore. It was the week we closed on this house, so I am very thankful that they got to see our place and spend a bit of time here with me. We didn't move in until they went home and Charles was back, but they were here with me a few times. We got to go to Oklahoma and spend time with them and my siblings a few times also in the past few years. This last July we were lucky enough to pull off a surprise 40 year anniversary for mom and dad. It was totally awesome. We had so many people show up that they hadn't seen in a long time, plus closer relatives and friends of theirs. We were able to all keep it a secret and mom and dad were so surprised. Then in September, Joe and Bridget were able to come home and surprise mom with a birthday party for mom, Peg, and me since our birthdays are so close. I am so very thankful for all the time that I got to spend with mom. I found out that mom's health wasn't doing so well about the middle of October. I knew she wasn't doing 'good', but I guess I just didn't realize how bad it was. She passed away the day before Thanksgiving. I have such a roller coaster of feelings on this. Some of them I know what they are. I cry a lot. I recognize that, I know it is sadness. I am really angry a lot. I feel jipped, twice. I recognize that feeling too though. I know what it is, and most of the time I know how to deal with it. I'm not angry at any one person. Just life! That is what I have a hard time dealing with the anger though. I am not used to being angry at anything, let alone something that I know there is nothing I can do to change. There are other feelings too though, that I don't recognize. I don't know what they are, and I don't know what to do with them. Gisele told me the other day that people are wrong when they say that 'you can't miss what you never had'. Oh man, is she so right about that. There are parts of me that still feel so empty. So void. I also feel a little bit of guilt I guess. My adoptive parents were so good to me. They loved me so much and gave me everything my selfish little heart desired. I am such a 'daddy's girl' still to this day when it comes to my adoptive father. I can't imagine him not being here. Even though he is miles away from me now, I know he is there if I need him. What right do I have to want more than what they gave me? I have no right. Some people don't have that. Yet I DO want more. I want more time to get to know my birth mother. I want to not miss the holidays that they all spent together when my siblings were growing up. I want to not miss the every day life of having my siblings beside me at the playground. I want to not hurt inside from missing being there when those little shoes were supposed to make one of them run faster. I want not to wonder what it was like sitting on that curb waiting to meet my step-dad for the first time. I want not to wish I had been there when my sister was born, or when my brother was brought home for the first time. I have so much to be thankful and grateful for. I have a whole huge adoptive family that loved me, raised me and give me so much happiness. I have the most awesome husband in the world that breaks his back to give me the things I want, I have awesome kids and grandkids that make me swell with pride every time I lay these eyes on them. I have a best friend that anyone would be proud to stand next to, and many other friends on line and off that are just awesome. Now I have a whole new birth family to be thankful for. But I am still such a selfish spoiled brat that I want more. I want so much more. That makes me feel guilty as hell. I also feel a little guilty when I morn what I missed, and now when I morn my birth mothers death. I want to somehow take away the burdening guilt that my birth mother felt for giving me up. I want her to know that I understand. Does that betray my adoptive family that love me so much? Does it hurt them that I still want so much more? I don't want to hurt them at all. I don't want to hurt anyone. I just don't know what to do with some of these feelings. Hell, I don't even know what to call some of them. How do I learn to deal with them if I don't know what they are? I plan on going back to Oklahoma in January and spending some time with my dad. He seems to be handling momma's death pretty well, everything considered. My youngest sister is staying on with him for a little while now, and Peggy and John are always close by. Joe was able to stay until this last Saturday before he had to go home to Washington. I wish I lived a bit closer so I could spend more time with all of them. Actually though, I am doing much better all in all than I thought I would. The weekends are the easiest because Charles is home and he is really good at keeping my mind busy with all the projects we have going on around here. Weekdays are a bit harder. Without Charles here to push me, I tend to sit and stare and think. Thinking leads to tears. I'm not so good at motivating myself here lately. Which I need to do now. I have two weeks worth of ironing and folding to do, just sitting over there staring at me. I also have tons of stuff that needs to be done for the Boston Legal site to go public, and a craft room that sorely needs organizing so that I can get all of mom's jewelry making stuff set up and I can start learning how to use all of it.


Yep, there is enough here to keep my mind busy this week anyway. One day at a time, right? For all that read this, as John Edward always says at the end of his show. Be sure to validate those that you love. Tell everyone that you hold close to you just how much they mean to you. Don't put it off. Sometimes, we don't have more time.

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