Prov 28:26 He who trusts in his own heart is a fool, But he who walks wisely will be delivered.......
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Too many interests to list here - you'll just have to come visit to find out.....
- Highs and Lows
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Is it really possible that a year has passed from *him*? Is it really possible that I survived and came out stronger as a result? It is really possible that I have so much more to go through before I'm ready for that kind of relationship again? The answer is a resounding yes!
Highs and lows......
God has taken me on such an incredible journey this year - much of which has been chronicled here. And now, on the eve of Thanksgiving, I am realizing that it may very well be my last one with my family. I don't think my brother will last another year, and once he's gone, I don't expect my parents to be far behind - if they don't go first.
So yes, on this Thanksgiving, I AM truly thankful to have my family still intact.
Highs and lows........
Then there's this past weekend. I had the opportunity to shoot an entire event for a former employer, and this allowed me to be back with my soccer people. These people are my family - because soccer truly IS my passion. I also shot 10 championship games on Tuesday.
I cannot explain the joy this gives me.
God has given me this talent, and I was able to use it with my passion, and as a result, some of my work may be published throughout the US. That is a dream come true!
Highs and lows.......
Now I must determine the next step God has for me. I have such conflicting emotions - it's incredible! What do I do and where do I go? What direction do I take next? I don't feel unsettled - just unsatisfied.
Highs and lows......we experience them daily - without knowing it.Wednesday November 21, 2007 - 10:50pm (EST) Permanent Link | 1 Comment - Feeling Isolated and Alone
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How is it that we can have SO many people in our lives and yet feel like we are completely isolated and alone?
That is what I am feeling now. I know I have countless people praying for me. I know I have girlfriends who I can call at most any hour when something bad happens. Yet, with most of them involved in their own relationships and life issues, it makes me feel very selfish to even want to call. I know I have my pastor.
But, I don't have that one "special person". That is what I am so desiring right now as things continue to spiral out of control in my house. I had it before; I desperately desire it again. I am losing my family; I want a family (no, not kids) of my own.
As I said - surrounded by so many people, yet so incredibly isolated and alone.
No platitudes, please. I've heard them a thousand times. This is something between me and God. If you want to do anything, please just pray.
Wednesday October 17, 2007 - 03:35am (EDT) Permanent Link | 9 Comments - Frustration - at its finest
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Why do we let ourselves get frustrated? Why do we let others frustrate us? How is it that one person can enter your life and turn your world upside down - over something as silly as hand lotion?
I had a horrible day at work, and I only forsee it getting worse - I'm being made to be the bad guy because I need to use lotion after washing my hands at work. I offered to stop washing my hands - they didn't go for that. But now, I am supposed to stop using lotion. Not an option - I work with papers all day, and wash my hands probably 4-6 times during the day while at work. Today I actually had to put the mail "sticky stuff" on my hands instead of lotion - just so I could do my work. And all of this is because someone is making a huge issue over the fact that she doesn't like the smell (which is less than my deodorant!) - it gives her a headache.
I walked out today - and am really tempted to not go back - but, I can't. I need this job. I have too many other things going on at work to let one incredibly petty thing make me hate my job so much right now.
Flexibility is normally my middle name. Right now, I'm not so sure. I'll do what I can, but within reason. Telling me I cannot use lotion is just plain stupid!
I cannot wait to get out of this department. It is so beneath my abilities, it's not even funny. I have more education than all of them combined. I just have to wait for the right position - but right now, I'm willing to go anywhere to get away from this stupidity.
Home is not any better. My brother was supposed to enter Hospice care today, but, he's not "terminal" enough. So, we're waiting to hear what programs we may be eligible for until the time when he is within 6 months of death.
The people at work have no idea of what is going on in my life, and I'm not about to tell them. The bosses know enough so they understand why I'm late at times, but in reality, I'm late because I don't want to go in to the atmosphere that is there now. It changed when the one boss left. It's gotten worse with the new people. I want out. I'm praying to get out.
Maybe this is the incentive and kick in the butt that I need to get the business moving. That way, I don't NEED to work. Wouldn't that be glorious?????Friday August 31, 2007 - 08:37pm (EDT) Permanent Link | 6 Comments - Completely Overwhelmed
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I attended my first Caregivers Coffee Break meeting last night that is provided through Hospice.
I just want to cry thinking about everything I have to do for/with the family - knowing that I am the only one who is capable of doing these things, and DREADING the confrontations that will ultimately take place between me and my father. I hate this!!!!!
Reality has sunk in - I will be losing my family - all my family - probably within a year or so. There is SO much work to be done - and now I'm feeling SO guilty for not being home spending time with them. But, I also know that if I don't keep myself healthy, then I'll be of no use to them in their final days.
Okay, can I just say that I really hope I die in my sleep when I'm old? I don't want anyone to have to take care of me.
And while I know that I have countless friends out there praying for me and our situation here, I feel utterly alone in my own home. I cannot even turn to *him* any more, and I think that is what hurts me the most - he was my rock for so long, and now he's no longer there.
You know what? Those tears that I've been unable to shed for so long? I think they've finally arrived.Thursday August 9, 2007 - 03:19am (EDT) Permanent Link | 1 Comment - Now what???
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Okay, so here I sit, at my 2nd job, and my mind is going in a thousand directions.
WHAT is God doing with me?
If you have any ideas, please let me know. I'm clueless right now!
Yes, I'm at home to be a servant to my family in their final days and to honor my parents, but I don't feel like I'm doing anything for God!
Yes, I've got a nice job at the college and am able to re-establish Brain Bowl again, but is all that I am doing with it just so I can attain what I want to attain through the program? I mean, come on, I want to be State Adviser, for crying out loud! But, why do I want to be State Adviser? What is God doing through Brain Bowl?
Then there's my insatiable quest for knowledge. I want to go into Homeland Security - I want to do it now, but I don't have the training for it - yet. God has opened some doors in that capacity, and I'm very excited about that, but I keep wanting to get ahead of God here! ACK!!!!! I want to know what I'm going to be doing it in and when!
This is not good.
I need to rest in Him and let Him lead me day by day. I know this; I'm just not doing it. ACK!!!!!
So, if you would be so kind as to pray for all this craziness in my head right now, I'd be most grateful.Sunday July 22, 2007 - 03:30pm (EDT) Permanent Link | 8 Comments
