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Why persons on the other side of globe find it difficult to talk to people from a nice country like INDIA?
- Unforgettable
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Six women reveal the secrets of their hottest hookups everConfessions by:
Mara Levy
Sasha Cagen
Tobin Levy
Nicole Beland
Deja Dunn
Kristina Grish
Analysis by Daniel Amen, M.D.AnonymousHe was my fantasy guy. I got the hotel roomEvery woman holds an image in her mental wallet of what her perfect lover looks like, and she's spent more than a little alone time playing out a chance meeting with him in her head. Two years ago, while visiting my twin sister in New York City, I found my fantasy guy at a party. Dark hair, dark eyes--he was a high-rise of a man, standing a good 6 inches taller than my 5'10'' frame. Even under a black wool sweater, he had arms that I knew could toss me into the heavens. He was the handsomest man I had ever seen. I was in love. I mean lust. Whatever.I don't remember his introducing himself. What I do remember is this: The attraction was mutual, palpable, and instantaneous. After closing down the bar, we shared a cab and exchanged numbers.We spent the next afternoon on my sister's couch, talking backgrounds, flirting, and, eventually, talking sex. Couch time morphed into early drinks, then dinner, then more drinks at a mutual friend's apartment. A little after midnight, we broke from the group for a late-night karaoke bar, where we sat in a private room, leg over leg, on a black pleather sectional. We had no other place to go, really. He was staying with a friend. I was staying with my sister. At 3 o'clock in the morning, halfway through my painful rendition of "The Devil Went Down to Georgia," I turned to him and said, "Let's get a hotel room."I'd never done anything like that before. Truth is, I probably thought less of any woman who had. But I'd said it, couldn't take it back, and didn't want to. He paid the tab in record speed, then pulled me off the vinyl couch with an audible sluurpop! of sweaty legs. We hit the streets of Chinatown looking for the word "Vacancy."When we finally found a room, I was the one who slid my credit card to the man behind the counter. It was my idea. There was no discussion. Boots were unzipped and shirts ripped off before the elevator reached our floor. The room was small and dirty. We were practically in the shower before the door swung closed. I'm still not sure if we were trying to wash each other of where we were or what we were about to do, or both. But as he toweled me off and swung me onto the bed, I knew I had made the right decision.He picked me up.He didn't drop me.Talking about sex earlier in the day, it turned out, was the best kind of foreplay. And in the hours that followed, he proved himself a great listener. I wanted to be told what to do by a partner who was physically strong enough to throw me around a little and wasn't afraid of bruises, accidental noises, rug burns, muscle aches, or sweat. Arms were held back, legs moved up, bodies flipped, turned, licked, and tucked. It was furious and unforgettable.I'm not so naive as to think he ever wanted anything more than a one-night stand. But he skillfully played the part of my perfect lover, and in return, I played out my perfect fantasy.Analysis of Anonymous Sex "When you fantasize about a certain type of person, you lay down physical memory traces in the limbic part of your brain. When you meet that person, these pleasure centers light up.Lesson: Chemistry like this is rare. Enjoy it within boundaries that allow you to feel good about yourself in the morning."--Daniel Amen, M.D.MarathonThe sex was endless, even if the love wasn'tThe first time Nate and I were about to have sex, he asked me, in his goofy-cheesy way, "Do you want to make love?" If anyone else had asked me in those words, I might have burst out laughing, but Nate looked as if he meant it. I nodded yes, but with the familiar trepidation I feel every time a man is about to enter me for the first time.My fear is that our intercourse won't match up to what we've experienced so far; that all our fun exploration- -sucking on each other's earlobes, lightly biting the small of each other's back--will fall away once we arrive at the main event. More often than not, orgasm becomes the goal. As a woman whose big O can take a while to take shape, I am often left quietly bristling with energy--while the guy beside me is spent.With Nate, I discovered, sex would be different. Not only did it last longer, but the way he felt inside me was much more satisfying. He moved subtly, slowly: stimulating me with little circles on the left, little circles on the right, nine shallow strokes, and then a deeper thrust. There was no frantic in-out, in-out thrusting--what Carrie Bradshaw on Sex and the City called "jackrabbit sex." He teased me with light movements. Sex was uncommonly slow, graceful, and gradual, and seemed to last for hours. My mind was blown. My body was grateful. Who was this man?And why did he have so much stamina?Nate confessed: A previous girlfriend had given him a book on Taoist sexuality, an ancient Chinese school of thought that views daily lovemaking as something to cultivate not only for enjoyment but also for mental and physical health. He said The Tao of Sexology: The Book of Infinite Wisdom had literally changed his life. The Taoists believe in long-lasting intercourse (as many as "one thousand loving thrusts"), that true pleasure in sex is more than a momentary sensation of release. Pleasure is defined as never being able to get enough of each other. The Chinese texts have poetic descriptions of the way Nate moved inside me: "Rise and then plunge low like a huge sailing boat braving the gale" or "Push in and pull out like a flock of seagulls playing on the waves."Not only did Nate become a more considerate lover, but he also learned how to separate orgasm from ejaculation and to come more than once during sex. His orgasms were more intense, full-body, and satisfying. And I was able to lose myself completely-- something I had never done during sex before. My brain emptied of thoughts, my body took over--our bodies coordinated. Instead of sex being linear, a rote race to the finish line, undressing each other in bed was more like entering our own private world. Sex felt more creative, more open-ended, and strangely infinite. We could go as long we wanted:3 hours or 10 minutes. He would be inside me, then out, shimmying down my stomach, kissing me down my midriff. The man had me in a trance.My favorite Taoist move was the simplest and least orgasm-focused: the Morning Prayer. We'd assume the missionary position. Nate would use tiny movements to maintain an erection, but wouldn't ejaculate. The goal was complete physical and mental connection and reaching a sexually meditative state. When we were together, motionless and calm, him inside me, even the smallest sensation felt very big.Nate used to joke that any couple who practiced the Morning Prayer daily would never break up. I wish it were true. If our relationship outside the bedroom had meshed half as well as the one inside, we might have been partners for life.Analysis of Marathon Sex "From a neuroscientist's perspective, Nate was brilliant. Women want love, closeness, and someone who'll be a good father to their babies. A man who's attentive, slow, and patient, as Nate was, passes muster as both a lover and a father. Lesson: If you make her pleasure your goal, you'll enjoy yourself a lot more sexually as well." --D.A.BreakupI hated him. I had to have himJim and I had been together for 2 months when we bought our tickets to Southeast Asia. Three weeks into our 3-month adventure, it was apparent that my boyfriend hated a lot of things about me--my affinity for stray animals, my small talk, the way I looked--things that were never going to change.The relationship ended after our sojourn through parts of Thailand, Cambodia, Vietnam, and Laos. We were in the Laos airport, heading back to Thailand, when he said the words, "It's over." We parted ways; and it was Jim's imperative that we not see each other until our departure date nearly a month away.A week later, I was in Koh Lanta, a Thai island on the Andaman Sea, when he showed up at my bungalow. "I met the laziest kitty in Koh Chang," he said, trying to make nice with an animal story.There was a full moon that night. Thailand is known for its full-moon beach parties--with exotic music and even-more-exotic dancing--so we made our way down to the shore. At 4 in the morning, after deciding we'd had enough trance music for a lifetime, Jim and I started walking up the beach. When we could no longer hear umph-umph- umph reverberating from speakers, we stopped. The sea was breaking on the rock formations that under the full moon's light were the most beautiful blue-black color I'd ever seen. I looked at Jim, with his G.I. Joe buzz cut, his pale blue eyes, and, below his left eye, the mole that I'd always loved even if I never loved him. He was standing between the water and me, his face a perfect silhouette against the starry sky.Then the harsh realities of who he was, of who we were together, rushed in. I remembered the gastrointestinal trauma I'd experienced in Phnom Penh and how Jim had scolded me with 3 days of silence for vocalizing my pain. Then there was our impromptu expedition to Battambong, Cambodia's third-largest city and home to the one hotel touted in Lonely Planet for its offerings of free porn. Jim was enthusiastic, and I was determined to add spark to our rapidly dwindling sex life--but it was a bust. The hotel and the porn were both a little too seedy--too much yellow track lighting in the former and too much bondage in the latter. "Just because the porn sucks doesn't mean we can't have sex," I said. "I'm tired," he replied before turning over and falling asleep.There were an impossible number of recollections like these, but their severity was dulled against a backdrop that included a full moon, a dramatic seascape, and a handsome, half-naked man.Jim was soon pulling down his swim trunks and heading for the sea. I stuffed my miniskirt, tank top, and bikini under his pile of clothes and joined him in the warm water. It was so salty that floating was effortless. Jim grabbed me from behind and turned me around so I could wrap my legs around him. He was standing, holding me up. We'd made out like this--on another island in a different body of water--weeks earlier, only now we weren't dating any longer. We were waiting to go back to the States so that we could become strangers. The kissing was familiar and furious, the culmination of weeks of resentment that the person with whom we'd gone on this trip wasn't who we'd hoped they'd be. We stayed in the water until the sun started to rise.When we got out, the cool air was exhilarating. We laughed hysterically as we struggled into our clothes so that we could run back to my room and tear them off each other again.The lights were dim. The pinks and oranges from the sunrise were seeping through our windows. The sex was fueled by a detached, energetic fury. It was raw sex--the kind you can have with a lover only when there is no love. We were free to be selfish, and in being selfish we were both satisfied. It was breakup, not makeup, sex. Still, I went to sleep happy.Analysis of Breakup Sex "Sex is a stew of many different feelings. This experience was about lust, loneliness, and a way to say goodbye. The writer knew there was no love when she realized she was solely concerned with her own pleasure.Lesson: Women can be as sexually selfish as men; that's okay, as long as you don't find yourself wanting more." --D.A.He turned this good girl badWhen I started hooking up as a teenager, it was with all the hell-bent fervor that Catholic-school girls are famous for. Even so, orgasm has never come easily. Perhaps that's why, as an adult, I've continued my quest for exceptional sex. I've bribed security guards so that my boyfriend and I could have a half hour of privacy on the rooftop of a Manhattan skyscraper. I've scheduled a ski vacation to coincide with the full moon so that fooling around in the Jacuzzi would be more romantic. I practice bizarre yoga positions hoping they'll lead to bizarre sex positions.So it's ironic that the best sex of my life took place in an ordinary bedroom on an otherwise boring Tuesday night and didn't include anything kinky. What made the encounter so memorable was a simple orgasm, and then another, and then another, and then another. It was the first time a man had given me multiple orgasms. I came four times over the course of 1 glorious hour.My boyfriend, John, is a guitarist. He lives up to every woman's fantasy about musicians: He is very good with his hands. His fingers simply don't quit. He's innovative, too, frequently surprising me with new moves. But what I like best is that he gives me permission to be bad. When I'm struggling to hit my peak, he whispers something dirty in my ear, forces his tongue into my mouth and pushes it around, or gives my butt a few solid slaps.On that particular Tuesday night, we had just had sex, and I was enjoying the last waves of an orgasm. I was satisfied and assumed the fun was over. Then John flashed me a mischievous smile and slid his hand between my legs. He kissed me and gently pulled on my nipples, and soon the nerves in my lower body began to hum. Before long, I came again. After a few minutes, he rolled me on top of him and started thrusting upward, encouraging me to grind my way to number three. My clitoris felt like a fuse that had been blown. My heart was pounding, my hair was wet with sweat, and my body was tingling. Collapsing onto the bed, I was literally panting with pleasure when he kissed his way down my breasts and belly and started licking me very softly until I screamed, "Oh my god!" all the way to the end of orgasm number four. (By the way, Sister Margaret, it was actually John I was referring to.)Analysis of Shameless Sex "Feelings of guilt--stemming from religion or memories of a bad experience-- can become set in the memory centers of the brain, preventing some women from letting go.Lesson: Identify sexual roadblocks, and overwrite bad messages with more powerful memories you create by putting her pleasure first." --D.A.Iliicit SexHe wasn't my husband. That was the pointBy Deja DunnJack and I had lusted after each other at various work functions; I was an artsy theater type, he a natty, well-heeled philanthropist. Both of us were sexual hunters ill-suited to the confines of our unhappy marriages, and we were both open to . . . something.Jack made me feel good. While my husband constantly chided me to lose weight, Jack loved me for my voluptuous self. We flirted, gossiped, and in truth had already tipped into bed on various unplanned occasions. Okay, bed is a misrepresentation. We'd indulged our private passions most often in public places: abandoned nooks in hotel ballrooms, on his desk, under the stage after a performance.One night, early in our affair, we agreed to dinner at a friend's horse farm. In the candlelit dining room, our host regaled us with tales of horse breeding. How "teaser stallions" are deployed to arouse the mares and test their readiness for breeding, only to be substituted with fine breeding stallions at the last minute. A breeder can't risk injuring the mare during foreplay, and stallions, like most males, are always game for a little rough play with a new and willing mate.Amidst the whirl of wine and chatter, I felt my body tingling and heat rising on my cheeks. I excused myself and walked outside, feigning the effects of too much wine; within minutes, Jack stood next to me. He took my hand, and we walked toward the curving white fence that outlined the corrals. We climbed over it, dropping into the pasture. Jack immediately backed me up against the rails and kissed me feverishly.That's when the beasts began to gallop.Their insistent whinnying reverberated across the moist grass. As they drew closer, we felt the ground tremble. Jack pushed aside my gauzy skirt and pulled down my panties; I tugged furiously at his shirt. He slammed me against the fence. I was lost to his insistent embrace. The night had gone inky black, and I was pinioned on the fence as Jack entered me with a nearly primordial hunger. His kisses were like anesthesia; I felt numb, lost. My hair snagged on the fence, and I imagined it mingling with lost strands from the manes of fillies rubbing here in their own raptures. All the while, the stallions galloped around us, snorting wildly.When we were finished, we returned to the house. They all knew. We were sweat covered and sex flushed, visibly rocked. The ruckus in the pasture was abating, and I poured myself a glass of champagne before, at last, I reclined on the couch, listening to the small talk.Analysis of Illicit Sex "The biggest sex organ of all is the brain, and 30 percent of it is dedicated to vision. This encounter was set up by the visual setting of the party, the corral, and the metaphors of horse breeding.Lesson: When you talk dirty to your partner, use visual metaphors. The writer strikes me as an adrenaline junkie. Women like her are easy to find but hard to keep." --d.a.Fearless SexIt seems ridiculous in retrospect, but at the turn of the millennium, I was bracing for the Y2K bug to bite. I was living in New York City, where looting and Times Square terrorist attacks were on the running list of potential disasters as well. Most of my friends were leaving the city for a cabin in the country. I planned to follow--with board games.That is, until Phil called from L.A., said he was rolling into town for New Year's Eve, and asked me to be his date.A morbid game of "Would You Rather" flashed through my mind: Kristina, would you rather . . . keel over on a plate of mini-pizzas with a Z in your Scrabble queue or die in the strong arms of a hot man in an Armani tux? I had dumped my boyfriend 5 months earlier and hadn't had sex since. I was horny. Suddenly, my will to live paled in comparison with my will to get laid--maybe for the last time in my life. I said yes and went shopping. A revealing new dress and nonperishable canned goods were a must.Cut to New Year's Eve: New York City was nearly abandoned, eerie, and surreal. An easy-to-find cab brought us to a nearly empty restaurant in record time. Elderly couples and rowdy tourists replaced the hot spot's usual hip party crowd. There was so much buzz about Y2K, you would have thought it was part of the prix fixe. A Thai punk waiter delivered spring rolls with a side of news updates. As the doomsday vibe increased, Phil and I curled up in a corner booth and mocked everyone around us for being so gloomy. Anxiety and life-or-death banter began to feel like hot foreplay.When nothing happened, the calm seemed anticlimactic. My hormones were revved, and I didn't need a thumbs-up report from CNN to kill the mood. We hurried back to my apartment, where I lit candles purchased for the blackout--and, oops, set my bookshelf on fire. Phil beat the flames out with a blanket, and with an enthusiastic kiss, I thanked him for rescuing me from our first real threat all night. I looked at him and smirked coyly. Without a word, he dropped his pants. My hero hadn't let bomb threats or stalled ATMs distract us thus far; he wasn't going to let a few charred novels slow us down now.We fell into bed laughing--and, to my surprise, we didn't dive into the clawing, breathless, animalistic passion one might expect of two near-death-experien ce survivors. Instead, Phil slowly progressed with hand-here, mouth-there precision. Eyes open and watchful now, he ran his fingers over my skin and softly kissed my mouth for 2 hours before initiating the most tender, connected sex of my life. I wrapped my legs around him with ease; he grabbed me in all the right places. We moved together in a soft, syncopated rhythm that I had never experienced. Comfort and intimacy were immediate and beautiful. I felt safe.After we finished, I put Carmen McRae's "Just One of Those Things" on repeat, and we shared one of 24 bottles of Evian I'd stashed under my bed.If Phil had wanted peanut butter, crackers, chicken soup, protein bars, or even half my savings that I'd also set aside for an impending global crisis . . . I would have gladly shared those, too. The world hadn't ended--and I felt more alive than ever.Analysis of Fearless Sex "The neurotransmitters of fear make the brain ready to fight or flee. They cause our eyes to dilate, hearts to race, senses to heighten. When the fear passed, her body and brain were still ready for action.Lesson: Intense days often lead to intense lovemaking. This may be why scary movies make for great dates." --D.A.Thursday October 30, 2008 - 05:39pm (IST) Permanent Link | 0 Comments - Wearing the wrong sized bra can "damage" lovely breasts!
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Wearing the wrong sized bra can "damage" lovely breasts!
Pretty much every year, a magazine, newspaper or TV news show will do the "you're probably wearing the wrong bra size" story. Women shop, all is solved. But! A newsflash from the UK: Wearing the wrong bra could damage your breasts, researchers say. A smattering of articles are using scare tactics about a new study: Scientists at the University of Portsmouth claim that wearing the wrong type of bra can lead to ligaments becoming irreparably stretched. Up to 95% of women are thought to be at risk — because "they are ignorant or embarrassed about their true bra size."
The head of this study, Dr. Joanna Scurr, tested 50 bra designs on hundreds of women over the last three years. She believes the speed at which breasts move could be the key to preventing breast pain (duh). The Daily Mail has pictures of the high-tech testing process: A woman in a sports bra on a treadmill is hooked up to a computer; a chart shows body movement and nipple movement. But what's not in any of these articles is why a woman should care about damaged breasts.
I'm no bra-burner. Lord knows I need all the (double D) support I can get. And certainly for sports and exercise, it feels better when the girls don't bounce around. But for eons, women lived without bras. (Without shirts, even.) Nipples hung down because that's what they're supposed to do. They're for spawn, not for pointing into the air in Playboy pictorials. But seriously: Besides discomfort from not wearing the right size bra — in which case you don't need a study, you just need a shopping trip — what is the "damage" we're supposed to get worked up about? Sagginess? Is drooping a medical condition now? (Oh, right, there is a surgical procedure for it, so it must be!)
Clearly, it's important to wear the right size. But it's confusing why Dr. Joanna Scurr doesn't elaborate on the "damage" caused and whether the effects have an impact on womens' health. We may not want our boobs to be "stretched," but is the consequence purely cosmetic? (And, as an aside: Do any of the women selling us bras these days seem to be wearing their correct size?)Thursday October 23, 2008 - 05:41pm (IST) Permanent Link | 0 Comments - LOVE v/s MARRIAGE
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Thursday October 23, 2008 - 05:38pm (IST) Permanent Link | 0 Comments
- Tips for having Fun Filled SEX
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Tips for having Fun Filled SEX
Porn stars are sex professionals. It's their business to know about pleasure and how to get it, or atleast how to seem like you're getting it. Sure, some things should be left to the experts—like electrical work and medical exams—but when it comes to sex, we amateurs want to do it like professionals. So, for good girls who want to be naughty, here are The Top Five Tips For Screwing Like A Porn Star:
1. Be Eager Send him slutty text messages, go commando—when you're ready for some action, take it!
2. Tell Him What You Want Don't be shy! Be explicit. You might worry you'll sound bossy, but it will actually be dirty talk. And what man doesn't like that?
3. Use Your Backside Guys go crazy for the booty, so don't be afraid to show it! Sure, from your knees to your waist, there's cellulite and stretch marks, but he doesn't care- only you do! If you're already naked, you know he likes what you got and he wants all of it.
4. Accessorize Just like you add earrings, belts, and necklaces to your day look, your night look could always use some accessories. From keeping your heels on, to a leather riding crop, a girl's gotta have that little eye grabbing something extra.
5. Take Care Of #1—Yourself Everything from your nails to your orgasm is your responsibility. If he can't handle the job, you should finish it off.Thursday October 23, 2008 - 05:33pm (IST) Permanent Link | 0 Comments - Humour
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THE GROANERS
One day Kyle's dad brought home a robot. The robot was very special,
in that it could detect a lie, and it would slap the person telling
the lie on the face. Kyle returned late from school that day and his
dad asked him, "Son why are you late from school?" Kyle answered,
"Dad, we had extra classes today." Much to his astonishment the robot
jumped up and slapped Kyle on his face. His dad told him, "Son, this
robot is special in that it can detect a lie and will slap the person
who lied. Now come on tell me the truth. Why are you late?" "Dad, I
went to a movie," replied the boy. "Which movie?" "The Ten
Commandments" Immediately, Kyle got another slap on the face from the
robot. "Sorry Dad, I went to see the movie 'Sex Queen.'" "Shame on you
son, when I was your age I never watched obscene movies or
misbehaved!" Immediately, the dad gets a tight slap on the face from
the robot. Upon hearing the last sentence, Kyle's mother comes walking
out of the kitchen, and in a sarcastic manner, says to her husband,
"After all he is YOUR son!!!" After which the robot steps up and gives
Kyle's mother a resounding slap on her face!
A woman walked up to the cash register in a department store. The
clerk working that register, however, was talking with someone on the
telephone. The customer did not know it, but it was the supervisor.
She said, rather impatiently, "Sir! Will you please check me out? I
have a plane to catch! I'm going to pick my son up at the airport."
The young man on the telephone politely said, "Excuse me... I have a
customer." Laid the phone down, looked the woman up and down, framed
her flaming red hair and face with his hands, and he said, "UH HUH!
Not bad at all!"
At the beginning of the grandparents' class I teach, I ask
participants if they would share the very first feelings they had when
they learned they were going to be grandparents. Most people say they
were happy and excited. During one class, however, an expectant
grandmother blurted, "I just hated it! I finally knew for certain that
my daughter was having sex."
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom,
guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The mother, more
than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting,
" she said, "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the
girl. "You just change y to i and add es."
A small boy and a small girl were want to do something to become as
'adult-looking' as possible. The boy suggested playing "Nightclub." He
set up a small 'bar' with glasses and a pitcher of Kool Aide and began
to feed the young lady drinks one after the other. Pretty soon, the
young lady inquires of the 'bartender,' "Do you have a Ladies room I
can use?" Perplexed, the boy-bartender replied, "Er... Sure. Over
there, behind that big tree." The girl goes behind the big tree,
squats and peeks back to the bartender only to find out that he is
also peeking at her. She calls out to him, "Would you like to see it?"
The boy enthusiastically nods yes so the girl flashes him a peek. Then
she says, "Would you like to kiss it?" He says, "Heck NO! I'm not a
real bartender, you know..."
THE PUNS
Did you hear about the new blonde paint? It's not very bright, but
it's cheap, and spreads easy
Jill, a rather young miss attending St. Mary's Catholic Girls School,
was sitting on the sidewalk, smoking a cigarette. The local priest,
walks by and gives her a glare. "Jill! Smoking at such a young age!
Aren't you ashamed?" "What?" said Jill. "You got something better to
do after sex?"
"That f - - king jerk of a husband of mine wanted me to f - - k the
landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker, " the housewife
told a neighbor. "You didn't do it, did you? " "Hell yes, I did. What
I haven't done, is tell my bastard husband that the rent is paid up
for six f - - king months! "
A Polish girl went to the gynecologist. She disrobed and got up into
the stirrups. The doctor was so shocked at the neglectful state of her
vagina he asked, "When was the last time you had a check-up?" "Well,
to be honest with you," she blushed, "I've never had a Czech up there,
but I have had several Hungarians."
After much confusion about my exit from the military, my gynecologist
confirmed that it was a not-so-honorable discharge
It was laying limp in my hand. It was very long, kind of thin. I slid
it between my fingers until I got to the end of it. I was turning it
on. It became firm in my hands, and the end was wet. Then it got very
hard and began gushing out of the tip. Then I took the garden hose and
watered the bushes.
What do you call an adolescent rabbit?
A pubic hare.
How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
Phone her.
What's indecent?
If it's hard enough, long enough, and in far enough, it's in decent!
OTHER HUMOR
Blunderbuss: A baby carriage. (Richard Lederer)
Condominium: Where people who want to have safe sex live
Porn Actor A man whose rise is starring. (Richard Lederer)
She was only a Globetrotter's daughter, but she manages to get around.
Height of Pain: A monkey sliding down a knife's edge using balls as
his brakes.
"Old" is when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of
by the police.
------------ --------- --------- ------A married man was visiting his mistress one day, when she requested
that he shave his beard. "Oh James," she pleaded, "I like your beard,
but I would really love to see your handsome, clean-shaven face."
James quickly replied, "My wife loves this beard, Jocelyn. I couldn't
possibly do it. She would kill me!" "Oh, please?" Jocelyn asked again,
in a sexy little voice. "Oh really, I can't," he replied. "She loves
it... I just can't!" But Jocelyn was seductively persistent, and he
sighed and finally gave in. That night, a worried James crawled into
bed with his wife while she was sleeping. The wife woke up and
sleepily felt his face. Suddenly she was wide awake and sitting bolt
upright in the bed. She said tersely, "Jesus Christ, Michael! What the
hell are you doing here? My husband will be home any minute!"
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was
constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter
immediately replied, 'Mom I have someone for you to meet.' Well, it
was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for
six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont. Their
first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude,
except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, 'Why the black panties?' She replied: 'My
breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I
am still mourning. ' He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The
following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black
panties, and he was in his birthday suit -- b ut now he was wearing a
black condom. She looked at him and asked: 'What's with the black
condom?' He replied, 'I want to offer you my deepest condolences.'
A newly married couple was walking along in their village along a
winding country road. The husband had been trying to figure out a way
to approach his new wife for sex, since they hadn't yet consummated
their vows and the sexual tension was beginning to be more than he
could handle. As they walked, they came across a cow and a bull
engaged in the act of reproduction. The husband leaned over to his new
bride and whispered in her ear; "Darling, would you like me to do what
the bull is doing?" "Do what you want," she says, "but take care,
since that is not our cow."
Three old guys are sitting on a porch in Miami. Suddenly the first
sighs and says, "Gentlemen, isn't life horrible. Here I am at an age
that I can afford the best steaks and what? Bad teeth and gums. I have
to eat ground or soft foods." The second answers, "Yeah, life is a
real bummer. Why here I am at an age where I can buy the finest wines,
champagne but what? Ulcers, I have to drink milk." The third sighs
loudly and adds, "Gentlemen, I know exactly what you mean. Last night
at 2 am I nudged my wife and asked her if she's interested. She
screams at me, "What is wrong with you dear? We just got finished
doing it for the second time tonight!" After a long pause the first
man says, "So what is your problem?" The third one grunts and says,
"Can't you see? My memory is going."
THE PUNS
A worried father confronted his daughter one night. I don't like that
new boyfriend, he's rough and common, and bloody stupid with it." "Oh,
no, Daddy," the daughter replied, "Fred's ever so clever, we've only
been going out 9 weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used to get
once a month."
At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician running for
mayor, "Your former secretary said publicly that you have a small
penis. . .. Would you please comment on this?" "The truth really is,"
replied the politician, "That she has a big mouth."
The meaning of lots of phrases depend on your location. A "Safe
Cracker" in New York is a person who opens a safe without knowing the
combination; in Georgia it's an AIDS-free white girl on the pill.
A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked
his secretary for some mathematical help. "If I were to give you
$20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked her. The
secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."
We know a religious fellow who loves his neighbor-but can't stand her
husband.
What did the doctor say to the nervous patient who was about to have a
circumcision done?
"It won't be long now."
Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank?
Sperm is handmade.
What is the difference between a magician's wand and a policeman's
baton ?
One is used for cunning stunts.
What do men and panty-hose have in common?
They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!
OTHER HUMOR
Athletic supporter: A fan who bangs the whole team. (Richard Lederer)
Male chauvinist pigs: The misters of Cerci. (Richard Lederer)
She was only a Governor's daughter, but what a state she was in.
Height of Disgustion: While wiping after a good toilet dump, your
finger pokes through the paper.
------------ --------- --------- --------
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife,
"Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it
would take a few inches off of your butt!" His wife was not amused,
and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his
drawer. "What the Hell is this" he said to himself as a little dust
cloud appeared when he shook them out. "April," he hollered into the
bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?" She
replied, "It's not talcum powder. It's Miracle Grow."
A Scottish Jew who had worked hard all his life in Scotland, decided
that he would like to enjoy life a little, so he went to the exclusive
St. Andrews Club. He was told on applying that his application would
have to be approved by the Membership Board and that he would have
their decision in a couple of days. Two days later he was told that
his application was refused. He went there to find out why. He was
asked, "You're Jewish, aren't you?" "Aye" he answered, "but I'm as
Scottish as you are Jock." "Well, you understand that we wear nothing
under our kilts." "Aye, I know that." "And being Jewish, you must be
circumcised." "Aye I am that" Well, the board decided that they could
not stand a circumcised man parading around with us." "Ouch, away with
ye man," he cried. "I know I must be a Protestant to march in the
Orangeman's parade, and a Catholic to belong to the Knights of
Columbus, but this is the first time I've heard that a man had to be a
complete prick to be a Scotsman!"
There was this couple who had been married for 20 years. Every time
they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured
she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they
were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned
on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a
battery-operated pleasure device, a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and
larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent
bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of
these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her
straight in the eyes and says calmly, "I'll explain the toy, you
explain the kids."
When the Sheiks' oil fields dried up, he realized he would have to cut
back on expenses quickly. As much as he hated to, he knew he would
have to give-up most of his harem. He decided to find out which ones
performed best in all aspects of sex and retain just those few. Night
after night the "contest" was held. Then one of the younger girls
performed such outstanding oral sex on him, he knew she was one of the
chosen. "Tell me," he said, "what is the secret of your fabulous
technique." "What I did, Oh Sovereign of the Sands, was to suck on ice
cubes prior to our session." replied the girl. "You see, my Mother
told me that in most cases, the cooler head always prevails."
A young lady had just visited her doctor and he informed her that she
was pregnant. The young lady had been married ten years and wanted a
baby very badly. As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that
she had to share the good news with someone. The gentleman sitting
next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with.
"Sir," she said, "I just received the best news you could ever
imagine. I have to share with someone or I'll bust." She told him the
news that she was pregnant. The man shared her enthusiasm as he shared
his experience. He said he was a farmer and had problems with his hens
laying eggs. He stated that he went out to the henhouse one morning
and all his hens had laid eggs. He was so happy, he added, "But
confidentially, I changed cocks." The newly pregnant woman responded,
"Confidentially, me too."
THE PUNS
The sign on the door of the whorehouse said, "Beat it - we're closed."
In Texas, for the second time in a month, a man was arrested for
publicly masturbating. Not surprisingly, the man doesn't want a lawyer
because he claims he can get himself off. (Conan O'Brien)
A snooty matron caught the supermarket stock boy at an unguarded
moment. "Young man," she demanded icily, "Don't you know it's bad
matters to scratch your balls before others?" He stammered around for
a few minutes, then ask in bewilderment, "What am I supposed to do...
offer to scratch yours first?"
Does the career advice, "Come early on your first day" apply in the
porn business?
The bride-to-be came to the last beautifully wrapped package. Opening
it, she found this note: "Wear this on your wedding night and you'll
be sure to wow him." The bride-to-be looked through all the tissue
paper and smiled. The package was empty.
My doctor charges me for a breast self-examination. It is a flat fee.
(Wendy Leibman)
The groom stood naked in front of the mirror admiring his physique.
"Two inches more and I'd be a king." "Yes," said the bride, "and two
inches less and you'd be a queen."
Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank?
Sperm is handmade.
What is the difference between a terrible marksman and a constipated
owl?
The terrible marksman shoots and never hits. (Jim Ertner)
When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout?
When he eats his first Brownie
OTHER HUMOR
Indecent: If it's hard enough, long enough, and in far enough, it's in
decent!
Fartist. A breakwinder. (Richard Lederer)
She was only a Globetrotter's daughter, but she manages to get around.
Height of Noise: Two skeletons screwing on a tin roof.
------------ --------- --------- --------- -
I ran into Jim at work yesterday. He had been out for a few days with
the flu. I asked him how he was feeling. "I'm better, thanks. You
know, it was a wonderful experience." "Wonderful? How can the flu be
wonderful?" I asked in stunned disbelief. "Well, I learned that my
wife really loves me. You know that whenever the mailman came by or a
delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I
could hear her excitedly saying 'My husband is home! My husband is
home!"
Little Johnny came home from his hot date and sat down to talk with
his dad. He had a smile on his face. 'It must be true love, dad' he
sighed. 'What makes you think that it is true love?' asks his dad.
'Well," says Little Johnny, 'Susie started out giving me the best blow
job I've ever had.' 'Nah,' replied his dad, 'that's not true love, it
is just lust.' The next night Little Johnny came in after his date,
and sat down again to talk with his dad. 'For sure it is true love,
dad.' he said. 'What makes you think that it is true love this time?'
asks his dad. 'Well," says Little Johnny, 'Tonight Susie gave me the
best blow job of my life, then let me take her up the ass!' 'That's
not true love, Johnny,' replied his dad, 'that is just infatuation.'
'If what Susie and I have is just infatuation, then what is true
love?' asked Little Johnny, confused. 'Well,' says his dad, 'if it was
true love, she would let you fuck her up the ass first, then give you
the best blow job of your life!'
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One
lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?" The other replies, "Oh
sure I do." The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?" The
second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver." After a few moments,
the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"
A king, who had three daughters for marriage, made the statement that
any prince in the kingdom who could pass certain tests could marry his
choice of the three. One of the daughters was a blonde, one a
brunette, and one a redhead. All the princes in the kingdom tried to
pass the tests and failed. One day Prince Charming came up on his
white charger and said to the king, "I understand you have three
daughters for marriage." And the king said, "Yes, if you pass certain
tests." So the king explained the tests to him and Prince Charming
went forth into the world. A year later, he came back and told the
king of all the dragons he had slain, of all the fair maidens he had
rescued, and of all the battles had fought. The king said, "Son, you
may have your choice of my daughters for marriage. Which do you
choose?" Which do you think was his choice? He chose the king...
because this really is a fairy tale.
Sherry, the pert and pretty Nurse took her troubles to a resident
psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help
me." she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the
young doctors here, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I
feel guilty and depressed for a week." "I see." nodded the
psychiatrist. "And you want me to strengthen your will power and
resolve so you have the morals to quit going to bed with doctor "For
Heaven's sake, no!" exclaimed the Nurse. "I want you to fix it so I
won't feel guilty and depressed afterwards."
THE PUNS
Madge: "I do believe in sex on the first date." Ethel: "That's pretty
modern thinking for an eighty year old woman." Madge: "Well, you can
never be sure of a second date with an eighty year old man!"
When I was born, I got a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I can't
remember what I chose.
In Germany, paramedics rescued this 40 year-old man who got his
manhood stuck in the vacuum cleaner. The man told authorities his
relationship with his vacuum cleaner was purely sexual - he didn't
want any attachments. (Jay Leno)
A man from Russia won a trip to Las Vegas. He picked up a hooker and
got a room. When she undressed, he saw she had a bikini wax. He said,
"Hey, you have no wool down there. In Russia all women have wool
there!" She replied, "Hey Mack, you want to fuck or knit?"
As they ran for their respective trains, Ralph called to his fellow-
commuter Paul, "How about a game of golf tomorrow?" "Sorry," Paul
called back, "but it's the kids' day off, and I've got to take care of
the maid."
It was laying limp in my hand. It was very long, kind of thin. I slid
it between my fingers until I got to the end of it. I was turning it
on. It became firm in my hands, and the end was wet. Then it got very
hard and began gushing out of the tip. Then I took the garden hose and
watered the bushes.
What is the definition of a smart ass?
Someone who can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavor it
Why did the former porn actor get fired from his job as a gas station
attendant?
Right before the tanks were full, he would pull out the nozzle and
spray gas all over the car.
How do you know when you're staying in a Redneck hotel?
When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink," and
the clerk replies, "Go ahead."
OTHER HUMOR
Frustration: Being 23rd in line for a gang bang and finding out it is
your sister.
Cockpit: A vagina. (Richard Lederer)
She was only a Grammarian's daughter, but she never declined and
always conjugated.
Height of Foolishness: A guy peeping thru the keyhole of a glass door.
------------ --------- --------- ------Wednesday October 15, 2008 - 04:30pm (IST) Permanent Link | 0 Comments
