Yahoo! 360° - .7awadeet elsoora.

I am moving, going to post my new address soon, looks like this place, they are never going to fix it...and note on the side:

if you hear of a lady called Shirley, well she is just deranged, have never seen her in my life and don't believe anything she tells you, she's nuts in the head, might be a man for all that i know

;-) serves you right Shirley, next time keep your weirdoes to yourself, i have plenty of those in my life already, could have done without the additional harassments, REALLY annoying.

anyone can tell that this is a joke, shirley is a wonderful lady but has some very very very annoying "friends" who are out to annoy me, while i have no idea who they are and am not at all interested in knowing who they are or what any of their story is with anyone, and when i am annoyed i can be a nuisance to all involved, we even have a saying here in Egypt: the door that brings strong winds, close it.

Saturday April 4, 2009 - 07:05pm (EET) Permanent Link

It has been 7 months...nearly.
On my father's birthday, July the 1rst 2008, I had decided to put an end to a life of misery and fear.
I am dead scared of him, my dad.
Nearly 43 years old and I am dead afraid of my dad. He has that effect on me. Controlling and mean.
Sara says, ma you have to know that dad still has hope. Hope that you two would go back together.
If only it were possible.
He managed to keep contact with the only cruel person the only member of the family who never gave me any credit.
And Sara says, it is because grandpa always was on his side.
Well, they should both get together.

When I was born I was a disgrace to the family, me Sahar, a first born, a girl.
On February 19th I will be 43.
Listen, because this diary is where I puke myself out in truth without garnish..
I am a screwed up life.
No matter how hard I try, what has been done has been done.
It is too late for me for anything. It has been set this way the day I was born.
I can struggle and protest..it has been made this way.
Today I am certain of what I say.
I am a person that is too late, not or too early, no not that
I am a person that is too late, that is how it has been made

I watch myself and I know why I act in certain ways, yet I am happier in who I really am
I make all the wrong choices, knowing they are wrong, knowing their consequences yet I can't help myself, they are what make me happy

Happy, then sad
Do I choose the misery I have been brought up to be, the feeling that I recognize
what I have been accustomed to ? Maybe..

I have met someone
Another wrong someone
A someone that shall never be
I know it, yet he is the person I am attracted to
It is this way
Endless pattern, an over and over again
Yet, I always have hope
Hope is this stupid wrong illusion that makes me go into relations knowing that they won't work yet..it is that maybe that I bribe my thinking with
Maybe Sahar... who knows
There is no such thing as destiny and the unknown, a load of nonsense those are

He reminds me of Karim in so many ways
My husband was 10 years older, he is guess what...surprise surprise,10 years younger
Bright, grasps people in a split of a femtosecond, understands you.
You might say, but Karim picked you and you did not know he was going to die
I knew, you know that feeling you get out of nowhere, inexplicable, a hunch feeling ?
I just knew..
The impossible love that shall never be
I am so afraid
And Karim is constantly on my mind, a reminder
How can you overcome fear when all you experienced was pain
Oh here I go again you say to yourself..
Jimmy is highly educated and class
He is down to earth and common
Understanding is not enough in preventing, you have got to want to prevent it
I tried, maybe not too hard but I tried
Spoke to this rich elegant civilized guy, what a bore
So stiff and rigid, has to keep the image
I could puke rich and elegant and civilized, fake wide smiles and postures, diplomatic and polite, puke
Karim was class too, Karim was perfect
this guy is of the common people
We laugh like mad
So carefree, I love his style, big ego, sensitive inside
This big ego is what I am worried about
Sahar.....................are you at it again ?

Big big chances I am
I am so clever at this game

Wednesday January 21, 2009 - 12:59am (EET) Permanent Link | 12 Comments

I refuse to hate, I shall hate no one
Even my father, who has done me great wrong, I shall not hate him
Earth is wide, fits all, as long as our paths don't meet, as long as he keeps from hurting me, I shall not fight him, let him be
And when the broken hearted people
Living in the world agree
There will be an answer let it be
For though they may be parted there is
Still a chance they will see
Let it be
I guess there shall always be wars as long as there shall be humans
Well, I really hope that some day someone will quote me in this line above and they would laugh their heads off like we do today reading stuff that was said about radios and computers when they were first invented, stuff and expectations that were totally wrong
I believe humans what they are made of, is different than objects, and I might never be wrong

Do you guys know that I place the war in the Middle East, my homeland
(actually Earth is my home if you don't mind), at a personal level, it is coinciding with my personal life, they resemble, they look pretty much alike
Do I need to explain now ? Maybe I don't need to explain anything at all
Yes, actually I don't
You see this picture here, well it too is about property, it is owned, it belongs to...
We humans have an acute identity problem, severe
I have a different conception of life, I do not need to belong, I just belong
I do not need to prove I belong, I do not need to be worthy of it, I am here
And life does not scare me, I am not afraid of being and I do not need to gather similar bodies that I identify with
I conform with anybody
If my childhood was somehow painful, it taught me this amazing lesson
it is amazing, you see so much beauty
Given a chance, all human beings are fantastic
You just need not feel threatened by differences

What you don't like, let it be, if you do not like what I say, move along, find stuff you relate to and read it, don't fight me, I have no reason to fight you
I just have a dream
*tears
Please understand, it is just a dream
It might be stupid childish and naive
It is just a dream
I can dream

People like to be important, make positions out of their selves, know best
Judge and condemn, it makes them rise, makes them feel better about themselves
It is ultimate strength to share and accept all, to find a positive in everything and all
You do not go up by bringing down
That is so archaic

Strangers, absolute strangers who have absolutely nothing, absolutely zero to gain from taking time to be there for me have been good to me, more than some family members
I have met, because I gave them the chance, Jews who have been more helpful to me than my own flesh and blood
I have met some flesh and blood who have been mean
I do not live in an old book's emblem
You want to understand this, do
I do not want to fight them
I do not want them to fight me

You want to capture this notion, do
If you don't...let it be
I do not tell you what to believe
You are free

Hating hurts me the most
I shall not hate.

The picture:
http://www.sciencephotogallery.com/pictures_1041185/First-World-War-helmet-eye-screen.html

Friday January 2, 2009 - 06:51am (EET) Permanent Link | 9 Comments

Lots of things happened recently, the constant being avoiding my insides and this page, what brings me here always is as you now know by heart, you people my lovely friends, wishing you a very Merry Christmas and wishing you lots of things, all good, all happy, painless and sorrowless, here I go again.. here I go again on my own goin' down the only road I've ever known..crying
I guess I will always remain vulnerable inside, oh I am building strength and defences, but who you are inside, deep down inside, you shall I guess carry to your grave, I'm sensitive and weak and fearful, just pretending to be the opposite, oh and sometimes I do succeed in being the opposite but it's just a lie and an illusion no one knows about except myself...and it's ok, I've accustomed myself to live with that

Thursday December 25, 2008 - 07:21am (EET) Permanent Link | 2 Comments

What has made these people think like they do ? I break my head wondering, God from where do they get such logic ?

Thusday night at 2am yes in the morning after midnight my mobile rings, I jump because recently there has been a series of unfortunate events to say the least, I look at the caller it is my cousin Hazem, I say ehh what the hell does he think everybody wakes all night and sleeps all day, I don't answer and go back to sleep with a mental note call Hazem tomorrow which I didn't because our last conversation was tiring and nerve wrecking, where he was saying stuff like so what if Jimmy my ex-husband to which I am still married on paper smokes hashish it is an eastern thing, we are an eastern society men smoke hash, normal
so what if he gets angry and violent, this is an eastern society, normal
Hazem was really getting on my nerves, and I put an end to the conversation by:
Ok Hazem, we are an eastern society where two wives to the same man live under the same roof, right ? He says right. I say ok, these things exist, but shall never happen to me.

Friday 5th,
one of my duties is to take the dog for his walk, and Fridays are days off, the streets are quieter, and so we go on long walks on the corniche, I take my baton which is half iron half wood (reduces the number of harassers) the garbage bag and off we go.
The first thing that happens is, I look for the big garbage bin that is placed in front of our building, a guy is walking off with it
estaba7na mish 3arfa eh wel molk lelah
I decided to speak nicely to him, try to talk to him into not taking the garbage bins and not use them as trolleys to collect what he needs from the garbage in the neighborhood, and because I was being nice and polite he starts answering me in the manner stupid and naive lady that says a load of garbage
and so I start shouting that he would return the bin at once where he found it or I will call the cops

I make a turn to the main road, what we call the sea road, and in front of the SUMED building (petroleum company) where all the security guards are my friends, they also have the best watch dogs I've seen unlike those who guard Saint Stefano's Four Seasons hotel which are afraid of Kuki, my tiny Griffon
and this guy is crossing a five lane very wide autostrad (everyday people are being run over ever since they made the road wider) a car was going to run him over, he stops in the middle of the road where other cars are speeding by and decides to insult the driver, you son of the one who is fucked, he shouts very loudly in an attempt to be louder than the sound of the speeding cars

My heart was beating very fast I have seen mothers with their children being run over, so many dreadful accidents, and so when he finally crossed over I tell him, why are you crossing the road, this is their way the cars, you should use the tunnel it isn't that far, he says it is his way 60Km/Hour only, I tell him so it is still his way you take the tunnel why risk your life and die, to which he says so what if I die good riddance (fi dahya) to which I shout louder than he did, no you don't die, to which he answers:
Lives are in the hand of God
El a3mar beyad Allah

By this time the guards my friends, one of them is big and very black of a dark blue, we used to chit chat everyday me and Salah until he asked me out that's when I decided best not be friendly and down to earth, well I try to keep a middle
he wanted us to go to the Montazah gardens for tea

I was yelling, lives are here, pointing my index to the side of my head where my brain is supposed to be located, they are not in the hand of Allah

That was only the beginning of the day

We take the tunnel Kuki and I, where my sleeping eating security guard friends are, they are very happy to see me, kol sana wenti tayeba, may you be kind each year, to which I respond to just as cheerfully, may you be kind each year
we cross to the seaside, we walk for a while, Kuki is busy sniffing around peeing and pooing when between other things one of the so many stray cats is pregnant and is following us to attack Kuki
Kuki and I have been attacked quite a few times by cats and I had my shots, and I am immune for two years, but the bites and scratches do hurt!
I pick up an empty MacDonald's Coca Cola cup and throw it at her, she runs away just a few steps and is storming back at us, I pick up an empty pastic water bottle and throw it at her, that doesn't work either, I pick up small stones, she ain't changing her mind either, she is after us, and so I find this big stone and as I pick it up, and look at her she stands still there and then, oh you sneaky cat that understands the difference between small stones and big ones, phew...

And from people who are following us to those who are throwing remarks at us, your patience cracks, and so these three guys cross us and one says something to which I answer, and I know how to answer.
Home I tell the kids what happned and I say this can't be good someday someone is going to put me in his head and hit me with a knife or throw acid to my face

I finish some housework and take a cab to the club to do some sports, I do six rounds of horse tracks, two of which where during summer, the sun was so hot you would have thought it was August, two during fall, one during spring and one in the cold of winter

I am standing at the gate waiting to catch a taxi back home, one is full of passengers getting off, I lean to ask the driver if dropping me off at Loran was ok when another taxi stops in front beeps his horn, there were passengers at the back, a very old lady and very old man wearing a galabeya holding a stick and who had a beard as white as cotton
I don't usually take cabs that blow their horns at me or flash their light in my face and certainly not those who take other's turn, but I was tired had lots to do was carrying pickles I bought from inside the club, the jars where heavy and just wanted to get into a car that would take me home

The taxi driver is crossing a very dangerous intersection stops to greet another taxi driver in the middle of the tramway's track, there was a congestion of cars, trams, people and animals, the taxi driver was really funny and so I laughed out loud, I was sitting in the front next to him

He says talking to the elders at the back, you see he tells them I have an eye for passengers, I don't pick just anyone, any one who rides with me is happy to
And that was the beginning of a long conversation

He commented on the jars of pickles and so we spoke about the feast and he says, my mother lives across of me she has asked for leya this year a whole one, I hit my chest with my hand, a leya is the the sheep's tail it is 100% pure fat, and ask him, what are you going to use it for, are you going to put it around the kofta ?
And he says no, she cuts it into small pieces and fries them and eats them
I hit my chest with my hand and say oh my God, how old is your mother ?
He answers by, she has just had an operation
and asks the old sheikh at the back and the woman who was not veiled by the way, how old they thought he was
and so they say an age and he says no I am 47
to which I ask and how old do you think I am
he says 35
I say no
he says what ? is it much ?
I say no, I am 42 and I have a 20 year old girl and a 15 year old son
and the very skinny very old shaking sheikh wants to tell me something so I turn back to face him and he says, you are just like a 22 year old, I smile and say thank you

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ya Masr

ohhhhhhhh Egypt

Anyway, the conversation leads to the taxi driver telling us that he has married a new wife this year and she is pregnant and I ask him why ? What was wrong with the old one ?
He said, she was giving me trouble
What kind of trouble, I ask
He says ahhh and shakes his head sideways
I say you probably married a younger one, he said right, she's 27, I say well 27 isn't that young, they marry younger you know (teasing him like he could have done better) and I ask, was she married before or virgin
he says no no no, a virgin of course
I tell him, you wait and see what this young girl is going to do to you, she's the new generation
to which he answers, no one can do anything to me ha ha ha you don't know me as he shakes his head again as if to say that is just impossible
and tells us how his friends and all those who know him say he is fit clever and strong
And I ask him, and have you divorced the first wife?
He says, no
I say, why ?
He says:
no stanger enters (the house) on my children
mafeesh ghareeb wodkhol 3ala 3eyali

To which I respond, no stranger enters on your children, or no stangers enters (on) your wife ?
And went on on how my mother was a second wife, to which he asked
was she a first wife or a second wife ?
Because I said zoga tanya, which he probably interpreted as the other wife
She was the second wife, I said, the beloved and cuddled one, so he gestured with his hand as if saying so you see with a big happy smile on his face
and I tell him, I would like to tell you that what you did is very wrong and I will tell you why
Your children from here and there, no matter how good they are, no matter how religious and pious, no matter how hard they try there shall always be jealousy and rivality between them and he says, right
And looks at me intensly
I tell him, so what are you doing ?
What you are doing is creating wars and bad feelings between what ?
Between your own, your very own flesh and blood
He says you are absolutely right but this is 7alna fi Masr, normal thing
To which I can't help but say that is why we are rotten and doomed as you see and filthy and we shall never see the light
and I had reached my destination, they dropped me off and we parted nicely with thank yous and mays you be kind each year

On Thursday evening Sara my daughter had told me that their dad called them and he was taking them to buy clothes the following day. Boy was I happy.
I like fathers to be good and considerate. Hoped for the best because you never know he could not call them the next day, we've been through many similar situations the past many years.
On Friday he does take them out to buy clothes but as usual his last minute thinking doesn't work out so well, the shops were so crowded and people were fighting at Saint Stefano's mall that Sara bought nothing but Salah managed a few things which was great
When Sara called me to ask what to do she couldn't find anything I told her to tell him she would go with him after the feast to buy the winter clothes

Yesterday he calls them during the afternoon, we were the three in the living room and Sara says, he wants to speak to you
I thought she meant Salah, then as Salah did not respond I wave quietly, and mumble, wants to speak to me ?
And she says, yes
I take her cell, hello
he says, kol sana wenti tayeba, may you be kind each year
I say, wenta tayeb, same to you
he says do you want to buy anything for the feast (meaning clothes)
I say, thanks if I find something I will tell you
and he says I am going to slaughter this year, I will send you meat on the first day in the morning
I tell him thank you but don't send a lot because we are trying to cut down on those things
He says happy feast, I say thank you, and I cut the sentence short without saying my usual habibi that I used so often
There was disapointment in his voice
Bye, we hang up

Ok, I was so shaken and I had tears in my eyes and I felt myself going all soft as usual but I had promised myself never to go there, to forgive and be kind
and to help myself I tell Sara, when I used to ask for something for the feast like a trouser he would say NO, I bought the kids and you guys ask for too much and so I would wear stuff Sara would not wear and I would save from the 100LE he used to leave us per day, for an event in months to buy a decent jacket to be able to attend, and that even I stopped doing it was that difficult

And so do you guys think I would ever tell him there are clothes I want to buy, I was just being polite, I shall never tell him
He had 21 years to be kind and to know my worth, to be fair
Fair to me, fair to the kids
He had 21 years to know we loved him without ever waiting for something in return
That I made him breakfast and put it in a nice tray for him each morning and served him well and put up with so many things for so long
*TEARS
It is too late now, much too late
It is December you see, the month during which he said he would divorce me, during which he said his problems at work would be solved and he is trying to make up

I know he is going to regret, I know he is going to live with his mother, father, sister husband and children the ones he kept sticking down my throat obsessively without being fair and he will not be happy with them, well he should have thought that out well
I know he is going to miss me and my ways with him because I was kind and patient
and always forgiving, because I genuinely gave and genuinely loved him

I was thinking that he might move and live in a place on his own, be near the hanging out places, well he will be there each night surrounded by many and I know he will be lonely
But it was his choice, nobody hit him on his hand, as we say here, to act the way he did
He thought he had me in his pocket, that love is for granted
Yes it is, I shall love him for ever, till I die
But me and him, is finished.
I am moving along with my life.
And I am happy this way.

Sunday December 7, 2008 - 07:21am (EET) Permanent Link | 5 Comments

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