Well what more can i say. I am really sad. I cried last night and this morning and have been trying to kep my mind off of it, but it just doesn't work taht way. I woke up in the middle of the night very groggy and not really knowing where i was, then it hit me and i got really sad again and wasn't to go back to sleep. So i started reading. Since hte last harry potter book is coming out soon i figured i should read up on number 6 to re-fresh my self. Luckyliy i got a gift card for barnes and noble, so i can use that to buy the book. The next movie (Possibly the last) to come out is about a week or 2 before the book. But i will be busy with the baby so i will have to wait for it to come out on DVD. Oh well.

Anything i can do to keep my mind off of what happened is good to me. LOL.

Today is just horrible. I wish i didn't have to come to work. Then i would be home, in bed, sleeping, and crying. I just dont know what to do. Im going to look online and do a search for support group for single mothers or single parents. There has to be something in my area that can help me. I really dont know what to do. I feel that i need someone to help me raise my child but i know that i dont, my mother preactically did it on ehr own my aunt did it on ehr own, my grandmother took care of 6 on her own. My family is full of strong women but i am not as strong, i have never been that strong.

I hurt everywhere, head to toe, inside and out. i feel empty. and most of all i feel really bad that my little girl is going to grow up without her father constatly being there. I am not going to be one of htose women who will not him see her, but it will have to be an arrangement, and he will need to pay shild support, but not having a father consistantly is hard. I know first hand.

Here comes the water works, so until next time.

Life freaking sucks sometimes. What can you do when you love someone but all they do is put you down. One can only take so much. So you leave and the only option you have is to go to another place where is almost the same, so your basically trapped between a rock and a hard place. If magic were real I would be able to go somewhere that i feel completely safe. A place where my self esteem would rise not fall. Where no matter how i looked no one would care. But i guess since there is no such thing or no such place there is not much one can do. Why do we set our selves up for "Norms" What the hell is normal? There is no such thing.

I guess i'm really just writing this because i know there are only a few people who would actually read it. and i just need somewhere to vent.

I have been depressed for a very long time, and i do know what it can do. It has caused me to make bad decisions, and do certain things i am not proud about. Depression actually runs in my family. My mother tried to take her own life, about 2-3 years ago. I know where i can go to get help, but the question really remains, Do I want help? I dont think so, but then I really dont know. I am totally confused by everything.

See I am Pregnant, just broke up with the babys father tonight. Yeah hes the one who put me down. Always saying things like, I'm a loser, undependable, unreliable, I will probably not take care of the baby, I'm fat, I'm not pretty with my hair tied back, I deserved what my ex-husband did to me, threatened to kick me out and take the baby from me. These things hurt alot, and when i ended up crying, or just not talking to him, then he would call me a B*tch, and turn it all around on me. I tried with all my might to stay but tonight was it. I couldn't take it anymore. He told me if i leave i cannot come back. Well, I left, tonight i realized I lost myself with him, I forgot who I was, and i felt so unpretty.

what am i supposed to do now? I'm living with my mother again. even though she probably doesn't mind it this time b/c i am pregnant but this absolutely sucks. I feel very vunerable, and i do feel like a loser, i can't pay for my own place, and i dont even feel like i'm home.

questions and questions just keep popping into my head. I can't write anymore. maybe later.

P.S.  Sorry i missed week 5

How your baby's growing: The cells that will make up all of your baby's body parts and systems are dividing furiously as her body begins to take shape. Right now she's about the size of a small lentil bean (4 to 5 millimeters across). If you could see through your uterine wall, you'd find an overlarge head and dark spots where her eyes and nostrils are beginning to take shape. Shallow pits on the sides of her head mark her developing ears, and her arms and legs appear as protruding buds. Her hands and feet look like paddles, with thick webbing between the developing digits, but her fingers and toes will soon become more distinct. Below the opening that will later be your baby's mouth, there are small folds where her neck and lower jaw will eventually develop. (Inside, her tongue and vocal cords are just beginning to form.)

Your baby's heart (which is starting to divide into the right and left chambers) is beating about 100 to 130 beats per minute — almost twice as fast as yours — and blood is beginning to circulate through her body. Her intestines are developing and tiny breathing passages are beginning to appear where her lungs will be. She's also starting to build muscle fibers and, halfway through this week, she'll likely start moving her tiny limbs. Unfortunately, you'll probably have to wait until you're several weeks into your second trimester before you get to enjoy feeling your baby's calisthenics.

How your life's changing:  

  If you haven't already, you may soon find yourself riding pregnancy's emotional roller coaster, feeling moody one day and joyful the next. Disturbing as this may be — especially if you pride yourself on being in control — what you're going through is completely normal and will probably continue throughout your pregnancy. Up-and-down emotions are partly caused by fluctuating and (in many cases) very high levels of hormones. But hormones aside, your entire life is about to change — and who wouldn't feel emotional about that?