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I don’t know what’s with me being all mushy and stuff.  I’m referring to songs I listen to affecting me the way they have been lately.  I was listening to another song that made me think and made me wax nostalgic…Previous Cats by Musiq.    

Dating is hard and I had forgotten the bumps and bruises you accumulate from not finding quite the right person. Sometimes scars stay with you forever.  When you think they are gone, they may begin to hurt when the weather turns gray and cloudy.  Or maybe you see them briefly or run across a letter or something they wrote you.  Either way, you know that you still have these hurts that have healed but you know they are still there.   I had grown accustomed to Mr. Wright’s honesty and  his knowing my thought process.  When he and I hooked up, I put him  through this song.  And when we broke up before our engagement, I did the same thing.

I listened to this song and I asked myself exactly how many good men did I turn away because of previous cats crimes?  I can name five right off the top of my head.  And that’s BAD.  I know without a doubt three of the five loved me, for real loved me and would have married me if I let them.  I made Mr. Wright and others pay for previously failed relationships.  They bore the brunt of those insecurities, fears, and anger instead of giving myself time to heal and deal with what had happened.  I wasn’t the kind of girl that got over one man with another one.  I knew I needed space. My thing was I never really let men get too close.  I would find myself doing things to sabotage the relationship or looking for reasons to make a quick exit.

I always thought I was in love twice, but upon closer inspection, I’m finding I have been in love three times.  Ok, ok, I just didn’t want to admit I was in love with him.  Only one of the men I was in love with fathered children with me and I’m marrying him.  I got with different men because I enjoyed sharing time with someone else, not to avoid being lonely.  I don’t mind being alone…there are definite perks but we all need companionship on different levels.  I never recognized I had all of my needs met in just one person until I met the Mr.  It’s not that the other men were not capable, I simply didn’t recognize it. Besides, I was so untrusting of men by the time I turned 20, men openly admitted they couldn’t handle me.  I don’t say that lightly or to brag.  I was a challenge and not because I played games.  It’s because I dropped men the way most people swallow or bat their eyelashes – good and bad alike.  I didn’t sleep with even an eighth of the men I dated, but I couldn’t seem to get rid of them after a date or two.  I knew what I wanted, how to go about getting most things, and didn’t really care about a man’s net worth because it was his. Yet, I was still feminine enough to know when to let a man be a man. I had been through a lifetime of abuse and knew how to sidestep the bs’ers.  I only dealt with what I wanted and did things on my terms, not anyone else’s.  If there was one infraction of my unspoken/unwritten rules *poof* you were gone.  I wasn’t looking for anyone in particular and I didn’t place my faith in men or what they said or did.  I just didn’t let anyone get close to my heart. 

I’ve been extremely introspective lately.  I don’t know if its because I have less than 100 days to make sure I’m ready for marriage.  I know I need to be with the person I am with now.  I don’t know if I would be able to deal with some of the things I see going on in the dating world, me having been one of the biggest perpetrators of such unmentionable acts during my pre-commitment stage (and I’d definitely would sow some things on folks I don’t want to reap – and these knucklehead men and women WILL take you there). 

I’d say within the year of 2006 have I gotten over my severe commitment issues and I can feel alright about being committed without options. And if you don’t know what options means…think about it.  I won’t lie and say I’m not afraid or scared.  I am.  Terrified in fact.  YES I REALLY AM!!!!!! Some of my choices in men have been truly horrendous – TRULY the things of which nightmares are made.  Enough so that it made me think that I should have been born back in the days of arranged marriages and not have to pick for myself.  But this feels right.  I’ve never felt this way on so many levels.  I’m not marrying for money, looks, stability (although they are a plus).  I’m marrying the man that has been my best friend for years.  The man that has enough kahuna’s to stand up to my Billy bad ass. LOL.  I gots hella thunda, but he’s got more.  He understands me in ways no one else does.  But he gets on my last damn nerve at times…like all day yesterday and last night too, but I couldn’t see me without him.  I do not believe my life would be nearly as fun or fulfilling without him in it.  Like Luffa (Luther Vandross) said “I’d rather be with you in a storm than safe and warm by myself”…ya feel me?

Ok, enough mindless droning.  I’m about to write the next installment of Confessions ya’ll.  Of course, advice, comments, questions, are all welcome.  Holla at ‘cha girl!

OK, I ain't gonna front.  There was one other person I came close to loving as deeply as I loved Mr. Wright.  I saw him not too long ago and I wondered what would have happened if we had remained together.  I heard this song on my playlist today and I remembered that person.  This song put me in that frame of mind.  Even though I am over him (I don't think he ever knew I felt like that in the first doggone place), I sorta got all emotional.  Then I remembered why we broke up and came back to earth.  If you're a Lenny fan, you'll appreciate this one.  I think he made a decent remake of It Ain't Over.  Anyway, here's the lyrics.  Happy Hump Day!  I gotta get back to work before they miss me.