THE LIFE ZONE

What is it?

Harold J. Duarte-Bernhardt

This world is imperfect. From the time when awareness first blooms in our innocent minds as children, we all face challenges and many times those challenges hurt us and leave us with scars. Perhaps we discover that we’re not as popular as we had hoped to be, or our families aren’t as wealthy as the one next door. Millions of kids around the world wake up one morning to find out their family is broken by the divorce of their parents. Many others suffer emotional, physical and sexual abuse. They hurt throughout the lonely nights of questioning those things they try to forget during the day. Many others suffer disillusion and intense emotional frustration in their younger years; many succumb to drugs, sex, smoking and drinking in order to numb their unfulfilled expectations of themselves and others. Still others face the emptiness of something that has gone drastically wrong in their adult lives, or memories of the past haunt them. The death of a loved one. The loss of intense love due to betrayal and divorce. Something that hurts deep down in their guts!

The LIFEzone helps you to face the PAIN that keeps you running on empty!

In one way or another, and under the umbrella of the human imperfection, we all suffer dissolution and emptiness. Regardless of race, gender, religion, political affiliation, economic status and geographical location we all face EMOTIONAL PAIN. Unresolved emotional pain makes you feel like you always running on empty. Hidden emotional pain drives you crazy and makes you do things you later regret!

I’ve met hundreds of people in my adult and professional life who have dealt with emotional pain. I count myself as one of those who has faced intense emotional pain, and I’ve concluded that emotional pain is a constant in the human experience.

I met a man last week. “What do you do?” he asked me. “I’m a life coach,” I answered. “What do you coach?” he asked. I handed him my business card, and he glanced at it. “Hmmm…” he said as he read it. “Catching the WAVE OF LIFE in the midst of pain.” Then looking at me he said, “So, you coach people going through emotional pain?” “Exactly,” I replied. A man in his early forties ended up telling me how his wife had left him for another man, his two kids moved in with her and now his life was empty. He seemed to be a good man, he’s well off financially, but he’s wondering what went wrong, and it’s causing him to run on empty emotionally; growing full of bitterness, antagonism and questions.

The LIFEzone believes YOU have the POWER to CHOOSE AND CHANGE!

My son and best friend, Roldy and I, co-founded the “LIFEzone” a little more than a year ago to help people deal with their emotional pain because we were bleeding emotionally as individuals and as members of a family. We decided that the best way to find healing was to help others with the same problem. Since then we’ve heard many stories from people like us. Broken marriages. Divorce. Troubled families. Children of divorce. Confused minds. Unfulfilled lives. People bitter with the empty promises of religion. People who dreamed with money because they thought their lives would be happier but ended up hurting even more. People who left their families behind in search for something that turned sour in their mouths. A woman told me how 15 years after her divorce she was sorry for breaking up her family, thus causing a lot of pain to her two young boys.

So the question that tumbled in my mind as I faced my own pain was, what do I believe in? Do I believe there’s hope?

Do I believe people can fix their marriage conflicts and live a happy life together for life? And my answer was “Yes.” I’ve met many who hold good marriages together.

Do I believe people who have chosen divorce can embrace their pain and move on to build a vibrant, good life? My answer was, “Yes.”

Do I believe people who have come from fragmented and unloving families can find meaning and significance and move on to build successful relationships? My answer was, “Yes.”

Do I believe the answer to emotional pain is in religion? No.

Do I believe each one of us is the architect of our own destinies by the choices we make in spite of accidents, hurts and adverse conditions? Yes.

Is there power available to forgive the jerk or the “jerkette” that hurt us so badly? Yes.

Can people actually change and pursue a life of significance after they’ve screwed up much of their lives? Yes.

I’ve witnessed stories of people who overcame the odds of genetics, temperament and horrible conditions. I’ve observed enough good people to believe it’s possible to change and recover from emotional pain. I was fortunate to grow up in a solid, loving family though I witnessed my parent’s struggles in life. I have been fortunate to be affirmed along my life journey by incredibly gracious and kind people. They overcompensated, beyond my wildest imagination, for the mean people that threw crap at me.

There is hope! People can change! We all have choices.

That’s what drives the LIFEzone! We are not victims of circumstances. We are not accidents waiting to happen. We are not the casualties of some else’s irresponsible life. In every moment of our lives WE HAVE A CHOICE. The LIFEzone is an invitation to make that choice and move to a higher level.

Let me share with you the foundational concept of the “LIFEzone.”

Why do we face emotional pain? Because life is imperfect. Either you screwed up because you’re imperfect, or someone else did it because they’re imperfect and that affected you. EMOTIONAL PAIN is the inevitable result of imperfection.

The key to dealing with emotional pain is CHARACTER. Character simply means doing what’s right for yourself and others in spite of the accidents caused by imperfections and the way you feel. Character means making the best choices for a better future. Character means choosing better, changing, learning and growing.

There are three ways to handle emotional PAIN. The three approaches start with a letter “D,” so it will be easy to remember.

The first one is DWELLING. I happen to be a dweller. “Dwellers” ruminate over their emotional pain forever. They go to sleep with it, they analyze, they process it, they ask why constantly and carry the bag of grievances and imperfection with them. Depending on the severity of the dwelling they may end up bitter, angry and negative. Dwellers think! And think! And think! The best animal that describes dwellers is the TURTLE. Dwellers hide. Dwellers carry everything under their shell.

The second one is DENYING. Deniers run away, blame, kick, avoid and dump. “Deniers” don’t analyze, think or ask the why’s of life. They just keep moving. Two images come to my mind when I describe deniers. One is a treadmill at a gym. It’s moving, moving, moving but it’s not going anywhere. The second one is another animal, the skunk. If you get close to a skunk, the skunk will react and leave a trace! If you try to resolve an issue with a denier they’ll avoid it and let you know your concern is irrelevant. Deniers keep moving, keep running and while there is value in that strategy, in that it’s survival, in time the emotions of a denier surface and cause damage. Their relationships suffer and they struggle with the issues of the heart.

Both types wear masks. Dweller and deniers may move on to successful carriers and even successful relationships if they surround themselves with the right people. They may become wealthy, they may do drugs, participate on serial sequential sexual relationships or they may end in a 99 year old faithful, monogamous relationship. They may be very religious or very secular. They may be conservative or liberal. They may be very educated or high school droppers. Dwellers and deniers wear masks of their choice, but underneath they experience unresolved PAIN. And the PAIN remains there because they choose one of the two modes: DWELLING or DENYING. They don’t only carry the pain but very often leave behind a legacy of disconnected relationships and hurt people they haven’t been able to deal with, often their children and close family.

The “LIFEzone” says that the only successful way to manage imperfection and emotional pain is CHARACTER. But specifically how does character work? CHARACTER is the choice we make to DEAL (Our third “D”) with PAIN.

DEALING with pain is not, as I have come to find out, a natural inclination of humans. DEALING with pain is the road less traveled. It is the least comfortable way to manage emotional pain.

DEALING with pain requires a CHOICE to grow up and move out of the other two modes. DEALING includes learning strategies to become a better person. DEALING is the total sum of CHARACTER. While dwelling and denying means you are stuck, dealing means you are flowing and moving. I often use the example of biking and surfing. “How do you bike,” I often ask my clients? “What do you do first? Do you peddle or do you stand up?’ They often look perplexed. Stuck people want to make a choice on what to do first, or they quit biking and keep walking. They fail to DEAL with the challenge. Stuck people can never surf emotionally. They either try to think too hard as to what comes first or they just throw the board and go back to the beach. They never get to surf. Why? Because biking and surfing are skills that need to be learned. The answer to my first question on what do you do first, peddle or stand up, is “Neither.” You don’t peddle first or stand up second. You do them together.

That’s synergy. It’s the same with surfing. You catch the wave and surf it by becoming a part of the wave. DEALING requires a choice and strategies that as you learn and incorporate them into your life become a part of a new life approach.

Kids of divorce deal with enormous emotional pain because they were meant to have a dad and a mom. In their inner world, a dad and a mom gave birth to a child as a result of love. That’s what they were told! When that love is gone they are confused. That child will grow with emotional pain. Since everyone is genetically and temperamentally predispose to become a dweller or a denier, the only that child will recover and move on to live a meaningful life is by choosing to DEAL with the emotional pain.

The LIFEzone helps you move from SURVIVAL to SIGNIFICANCE

There are levels of existence, and mere SURVIVAL is at the bottom level. Dweller and deniers merely survive. Above that are levels of SUCCESS. But success can be very empty! Success can be the mask we use to cover emotional pain. Many succeed to their own emotional detriment and never resolve their emotional pain because the culture rewards them for being successful professionally and economically. We love economic success stories because these people wear a mask that we call happiness.

But there is a level that supersedes success, and that level is SIGNIFICANCE. No one reaches the level of significance without DEALING with emotional pain.

The LIFEzone teaches the strategies to DEAL with emotional pain that in turn enable a level of SIGNIFICANCE. The LIFEzone teaches that you can build a good, solid marriage based on character. The LIFEzone teaches that you can change and become a good parent even after you’ve wrecked your life. The LIFEzone is about choosing and change. Significance is energizing. Significance is powerful. Significance is contagious. Significance is synergetic. Significance heals the mind and the body.

You either need the LIFEzone right now or you know someone who needs it. Go to our website, take a look at the material available and purchase the downloadable set of audio-seminar presentations that Roldy and I put together to help you or someone you know to CATCH THE WAVE OF LIFE IN THE MIDST OF PAIN.

Let me suggest three ways in which you can help us fulfill our vision for the LIFEzone. Yes, you can describe me as a “fanatic” about this; I’m intense and very passionate about what I believe in and do. Would you prefer an intense and passionate heart surgeon when you know your life is on the line? Or would you prefer a laid back surgeon who says, “We’ll try our best, but we like to relax around here!” I like “fanatics!” Count me as a fanatic when it comes to helping people deal with emotional pain.

Here are the three ways to access the LIFEzone.:

1. Subscribe to our website. Go to: http://www.lifezonelive.com. Visit the website and subscribe for free letters and motivational material on the home page. No commitment, no charge, no pressure. You can opt out whenever you want. Your name will never be sold, or passed on to anyone, and our website is protected from spammers and intruders.

2. Invite as many people as you know to check us out and subscribe. Send them the link or forward this letter. Why? Because if they’re not facing emotional pain right now they most likely know someone who is. http://www.lifezonelive.com

3. Purchase the downloadable material and listen to it. Roldy and I share our hearts with you through these seminar-lecture presentations. Perhaps you won’t deal with the same pain that drove me and my son to start this business, but you can get better at helping others in your own universe. I’ve been advised not to offer this material at such a low cost, but I want to help people live better lives. Nothing makes me happier than hearing from people I coached telling me how their lives improved as a result of us working together. http://www.lifezonelive.com

Thank you in advance for sharing the LIFEzone with as many people as possible!

Harold J. Duarte-Bernhardt is co-founder of the "LIFE ZONE." Harold is a consultant, a seminar speaker and a LIFE Motivational Coach. The "LIFE ZONE" is a resource and a coaching center for personal and spiritual growth committed to providing sound strategies for dynamic living and LIFE FITNESS. Harold believes that PAIN is the greatest window into the best life has to offer! PAIN is never pleasant, it's never fun; but great people have always faced PAIN and difficult times before they found the key to a magnificent life. Harold resides in Southern California and is the father of four wonderful human beings! For more information and coaching visit: http://www.lifezonelive.com or call 1-888-MYZONE2 (699-6632)

HOW TO REGAIN LOST TRUST

Harold J. Duarte-Bernhardt

You can regain lost trust, but first you must understand what TRUST is.

Trust is the most foundational block of any relationship. Trust is involved in all the basic elements of a healthy relationship: namely, love (respect and consideration for another person), communication, commitment and honesty. Without trust you may get feelings, you may get the high of the “moment,” you may get patience and tolerance but nothing will provide the strength and the solidity you need for a lasting relationship as trust. Why? Because the root of trust is WHAT YOU BELIEVE about the other person. And your BELIEF about the other person is the accumulation of experiences that have either affirmed or corroded the original commitment or promise. And let me hasten to say that TRUST is not just about big promises and commitments. It could just be the other person’s body language, the eyes or an air of authenticity. Have you ever felt like you are in the presence of a person for the first time and you find yourself saying “Somehow I trust this person with my tummy?” Trust is born in the way the other person register in our TRUST radar. Finally what you come to believe about another person is what directs your behavior and actions towards that person. So, trust is critical to the dynamics of any relationship, whether is a business, politics, a working environment, marriage, family or friendships.

When you have believed something about a person and that person has broken your “trust” in that belief, there isn’t a whole lot left.

Take marriage for example. The promise to stay married until “death do, us apart” is a serious promise. You trust that person. Would you marry if you wouldn’t trust? When divorce happens, what makes you think that the person who broke the promise with you is trustworthy of anything else later on? The tacit promise parents make to raise their children to the best of their ability when they bring them into the world is a serious one. What makes you think children will trust you as a parent, when you did not do your best to absorb information about good parenting and depended on God to be a good role model to them? Cheating, lying, gossip, “backstabbing,” disloyalty, miscommunication or the lack of it, dishonesty, not paying money back, not being on time, an unreturned to call, are all promises that once broken change the level of trust someone has placed on you. Trust is broken by changing the belief system another person has about you.

Now, I know we have all broken promises. I have broken many promises, many times and it hurts me in the pit of my stomach when I realize I miserably failed so many times and have let so many people down. So this article is not from a guy that has never lost trust from people but about someone who realizes what happened and took steps to recover the trust I lost when I failed.

Let me say it again: You can regain the trust you lost. That is, if the other person has a good heart towards you. First, you need to accept four basic principles and then follow that understanding with massive ACTION to regain the trust from the person whose trust you betrayed.

FOUR PRINCIPLES

1. When you let someone down and betray their trust you have actually betrayed yourself first and foremost all. Further more, that’s the first person you must work with: YOURSELF! You must come to terms with your own failure, your own humanity. What happened? Why did it happen? Was an accident or is that a pattern of your character? Proud people stumble on this first one and simply can not do it!

2. When you let someone down and betray their trust you must acknowledge you did it and that will hurt your pride. If you are not ready to be humble and talk to the person whose trust you betrayed, you are not ready to regain trust from that person.

3. When you let someone down and betray their trust it’s going to take time and effort to recover it. It will not happen instantly. This is one of the greatest challenges “betrayers” face. They usually want to “just move on.” They want instant gratification. It just doesn’t happen that way!

4. When you let someone down and betray their trust, in spite of what you may do to regain their trust you should be ready to possibly be rejected and you may never regain the lost trust again. In that case it is out of your hands, even if it hurts! What kicks in here is character: you did the right thing and your heart is right. Move on being the good person you are!

FIVE STEPS TO REGAIN TRUST IN YOURSELF AND FROM OTHERS YOU HAVE BETRAYED

1. Admit your mistake or the way you hurt the other person

This is the most difficult step in re-building trust. Address the issue that caused the loss of trust head on. If it was you not cherishing your spouse, or treating your marriage as a sacred trust, or lying, or mistreating the other person, or not fulfilling a promise… whatever… address the issue and ask forgiveness. Asking forgiveness for some vague, stupid unrelated behavior will be considered by the offended person as one more step into the destruction of trust! It’s simply insulting. My recommendation? If you have betrayed someone’s trust, don’t talk to that person until you understand what you did wrong and you are ready to deal with it honestly. Admitting your mistake honestly is not something you do to “move on” with “your” life; it’s something you do to re-establish a broken relationship, to reconcile and regain that person’s trust, which is a big issue; regaining trust is not about “your” own selfish pain!

2. Change

Nothing rebuilds trust faster than doing what the other person will perceive as you having changed! Whatever you did to betray another person’s trust needs to be changed! This is a no brainer. You want to create a trusting environment with the person you betrayed. Share specifically what your plan of action is to regain that person’s trust. Ask that person to hold you accountable to your promised changes. Believe me, if you are being honest and the other person has a heart, he/she will love you for it. There is nothing more refreshing and affirming than to know that someone cares for you so much that they are willing to change what hurts you!

3. Share honest information

Information is power. This is the number one trust builder. Most situations I have faced where trust has been betrayed are directly connected to lack of communication, lack of information, lies and cover-up stories. If you are afraid, say so. If you made a wrong move, tell the truth. If you fail, admit to it. If you are guarding “privileged information” and your relationship depends on the other person knowing what’s going on, be brave and say it. Information makes the other person feel like “we are in this together.” Withholding information when it’s due to the other person is one of the most painful forms of betrayal. Be straightforward and honest. If you are trying to regain your spouse’s trust, open up about finances, time management, the people you meet, your appointments and your whereabouts. The more information you provide the better it is.

4. Share yourself with the other person as a team player not as a victim

A “win-win” situation is difficult to obtain when you have betrayed someone’s trust, but it is possible in time. Just remember one thing… The person you betrayed knows you and he/she will not accept external, superficial changes. That person is your worst and most vociferous critic because you hurt him/her, and you better know if you heart is changed or not before you play the “game.” What’s the classic statement of a victim? “I did it because…” A victim’s fingerprint is: BLAME, JUSTIFY AND EXPLAIN. A non-victim person assumes responsibility for his/her deed and seeks reconciliation with the other person because he/she needs him/her in a relationship.

5. Be consistent

If you betrayed your spouse’s trust, focus on being consistent and following steps 1-4 steadily. It may take more than one conversation. It may take time for the other person to observe you and realize that you are “walking the talk.” If you betrayed your bosses trust, focus on being consistent in building your trust level. The same applies to your children, relatives and friends. “Walking the talk” is what builds trust again.

Though the idea behind following these steps is to regain the trust of someone you betrayed or let down, ultimately, doing what’s right (admitting you’re wrong and CHANGING) is for your own sake and the core of your character. Good people don’t only do good things to get results. They also do the right thing because they know that at the end the greatest reward is looking at themselves in the mirror and knowing they are authentic and honest. That’s what brings the greatest happiness in this life and that’s what it means to live in THE LIFE ZONE!

If you are dealing with a tricky situation and you want to regain your spouse’s or children’s trust, be careful! Don’t rush into it, don’t postpone it forever, and don’t expose your “laundry” irresponsibly. That may be the beginning of your honest journey but the end of your relationship with that person forever. Irresponsible honesty hurts, responsible honesty heals! What’s the difference? You do it for the other person and considering the greater picture. Many times a person from the outside can help you with perspective, timing and the mode in which you will journey towards regaining lost trust. I can coach you on the best steps to regain trust without destroying what you have. Call me at 1-888-MY ZONE 2 (699-6632) or write to me at: www.lifezonelive.com

"Porcupines"

Category: Character

WRECKER OR BUILDER?

Harold J. Duarte-Bernhardt

I just came back from a teacher’s retirement banquet in one of the large school districts in Southern California. I was invited to honor my friend who is retiring this year.While I was glad to be there, I was blessed beyond what I had expected. Hea ring the stories of teachers and principals who had influenced thousands of children in their 30 or more years of service was refreshing to my heart. No one could have survived all those years of service merely for money! No one! Impossible! That came loud and clear in all of the speeches. It was their vocational passion and silent commitment that carried them through every day’s routine; dealing with their student’s emotional moods, their parents, changes in the educational strategies through the years and the demands placed on them as leaders of the community. Amazing! Living life with a purpose!

As I drove the 405 Freeway on my way home, my mind was flooded with the memories of teachers and people I have met through the years – people who built me up and people who built my kids up. I am the result of so many people that have influenced my life in positive ways! All the way from my incredible parents to teachers, professors, mentors, loyal friends, people at large and, most recently, my four awesome children! I also though of those who have tried to wreck my life! They did not succeed but, instead, helped me to grow and see where I needed to strengthen the building of my life and just get better!

When I got home I went to my file of quotes and interesting things people and friends send me all the time and located a poem. No author was credited for the poem, but its simplicity made my point. It’s entitled "Builders and Wreckers."

I watched them tearing a building down,
A gang of men in a busy town.
With a ho, heave, ho, and a lusty yell
They swung a beam and a wall fell.

I asked the foreman, "Are these men skilled?
Like the men you’d hire if you had to build?"
He laughed as he replied, "No, indeed,
Just common labor is all I need.

I can easily wreck in a day or two
What builders have taken years to do."
I asked myself as I went away
Which of these roles have I tried to play?

Am I a builder who works with care,
Measuring life by rule and square?
Or am I a wrecker who walks the town
Content with the labor of tearing down?

You see, it takes years, sweat, careful dedication and a sense of purpose to build anything; it takes intentionality. On the other hand, it takes a moment to wreck it! It takes vocational passion, a purpose, a heart, a committed mind, skills and professional expertise to build people, a family, a marriage and institutions. It takes uneducated labor, unrestrained emotions, anger, wrath, the winds of toxic influence, drugs, alcohol, envy and “bulldozers” to wreck it! It takes dedicated, consistent love over time on a teacher’s part to build a child’s confidence. It takes a bully’s destructive words to destroy the same child’s self-esteem. It takes years for a parent to love a child into maturity. It takes a wrecking, irresponsible act from the same parent to destroy it all. It takes years and time to buildanything, but it takes only a few days to destroy it all; sometimes it takes simply one single act!

“Am I a builder or a wrecker,” I said to myself?

What do I do when I don’t get what I want? Do I see the challenge as an opportunity to build or wreck?

What do I do when my child doesn’t respond to me with respect? Do I punish or discipline? It doesn’t take a genius to reward good behavior or punish a bad one. Anyone with very minimum brain power can do that! It takes character to discipline a child.

What do I do when I love and my love is not returned? Do I keep building that relationship or wreck it?

What do I do when someone attempts to destroy my reputation? Do I build my inner life or do I wreck that person’s reputation?

What do I do when someone shines more than I do? What do I do when that person gets what I have always wanted to get? Do I build that person up or come in with a “bulldozer” and demolish his sense of self-worth?

What do I do when I meet someone who is clearly better at something than me? Do I build a relationship to learn from that person or do I throw mud at him because of envy and a competitive spirit out of control?

I got it!

A builder sees challenges as windows of opportunity; the teachers that were honored at the retirement banquet tonight were builders. A builder dreams and plans a building before it exists! He builds with a purpose and wants to see his creation standing the test of time. A dismantler or a wrecker sees problems in every solution and has nothing left after he is done. A wrecker destroys when someone is not “useful”; wreckers are consummated pragmatists! A wrecker’s favorite word is “NO!” because wreckers are negative thinkers and selfish to the core of their soul. A builder detects flaws and tries to do something to improve the situation; a dismantler sees problems and challenges in every solution.

I want to be a builder! What about you?

“You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments when you have truly lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love.”--Henry Drummond