I've decided to see a shrink once again for my transgender issues. I did so a few years ago but truly I had no idea what good it was doing. I can't stand the "show up and spill your guts for 45 minutes while I watch and scribble on a pad." But I do suffer from anxiety and depression and to get the drugs you have to see a psychiatrist. The one I have been seeing I have never told about me being transgendered. But lately, oddly since I had my haircut (see previous blog) I am so upset about not being able to have even that small acknowledgement of my feminine side that I'm anxious and sad all the time.

I'm seeing a psychologist at the University of Minnesota's Department of Human Sexuality. Who knows, maybe it will work this time!

The longish quote below from Anne Lindbergh, Charles Lindbergh's wife, has really been on my mind lately. It seems like I am running myself ragged trying to heal my circle of human relationships, spending energy, but not finding that they or I am satisfied. I don't have the answer but I think that this passage from Ms. Lindbergh's book is part of the solution.

"The world is rumbling and erupting in ever-widening circles around us. The tensions, conflicts and sufferings even in the outermost circles touch us all, reverberate in all of us. We cannot avoid these vibrations.

But just how far can we implement this planetal awareness? We are asked today to feel compassionately for everyone in the world, to digest intellectually all the information spread out in public print; and to implement in action every ethical impulse aroused in our hearts and minds. The interrelatedness of the world links us constantly with more people than our hearts can hold. Or rather -- for I believe the heart is infinite -- modern communication loads us with more problems than the human frame can carry. It is good, I think, for our hearts, our minds, our imaginations to be stretched, but body, nerve, endurance and lifespan are not as elastic. My life cannot implement in action the demands of all the people to whom my heart responds. I cannot marry all of them, or bear them all as children, or care for them all as I would my parents in illness or old age.

Because we cannot solve our own problems right here at home, we talk about problems out there in the world. An escape process goes on from the intolerable burden we have placed upon ourselves. But can one really feel deeply for an abstraction called the mass? Can one solve world problems when one is unable to solve one's own? Where have we arrived in this process? Have we been successful, working at the periphery of the circle and not the center?

When we start at the center of ourselves, we discover something worthwhile extending toward the periphery of the circle. We find again some of the joy in the now, some of the peace in the here, some of the love in me and thee which go to make up the kingdom of heaven and earth."

I've used a number of transformation services over the years. In Chicago I used "Transformations by Rori." In Las Vegas I've used both "Hidden Woman" and "Glamour Boutique." In San Jose I used "Carla's Salon." All of them had pros and cons although I have to say that Rori's was the best in terms of makeup. All of these were just makeup and a photo or two events.

Now I'm looking for a multiple day event like "Miss Vera" provides but without the huge expense (3-4 thousand dollars for a few days!?). Basically this would be a tgirl vacation. Anyone have a suggestion? I'd love to hear back from you if you do!

By the way, if you'd like details behind any of the services I've mentioned let me know. I'd be happy to share.

XO Mariel