"Well you should feel like shit.....fuck off!"
- Text message I received at 3:30 today


Today's Lesson: The Origin of Naughty Words

Ah, dirty words. Oh how we love to use them in our daily conversations. This was evident just last night as my beloved Longhorns lost on the last play of the game to Texas Tech. I hate to admit it, but I had some choice words throughout the game and though some will say it is "just a game", those who know me know that I take football seriously.

There are many theories about the origin of dirty words and I am sure that these theories all have some merit. However, one of my professors from the University of Texas-Austin gave my class what I think is the one that holds its weight better than the others.

Here it goes.......

Before 1066, England was ruled by the Saxons. The Saxons spoke a language that was fairly short on words that were multi-syllable. The Saxon language was simple and to the point. In the year 1066, William of Normandy claimed the throne of England. The Saxon King, Harold disagreed. William invaded England and defeated the Saxon army at Hastings and William became William known as William the Conqueror. One of the tasks for the new King was to introduce Norman culture (French) to the English. This included the language spoken by the people.

Remember, the Saxon words tended to be strewn with words that were not multi-syllable. For example, sweat was a Saxon word. The goal of the Normans was to replace such words with ones that were Latin / French in origin. Therefore, sweat was to be replaced by perspire.

One problem encoutered by the Normans (a problem ususally seen in conquering armies) was that the Saxon's were resistent to change. Many Saxons wanted to hold on to their culture and language. After several years the Normans increased their control over England and the French language became the language of the ruling elite, while the Saxon language became the language of the "average joe".

The following would be an illustration of two Normans having a conversation:

Phillipe: "Hello William, how are you today"
William: "I am fine...however I need to find a place to urinate"
Phillipe: "Yonder are some bushes, go ahead. I shall wait here"

Same conversation, except between two Saxons:

Joe: "Hello Bob, how are you today"
Bob: "I am fine...however I need to find a place to piss"
John: "Yonder are some bushes, go ahead. I shall wait here"

Here we see a difference in word usage. The Normans used the word urinate
while the Saxons used the one syallable word, piss.

Other examples

Saxon Norman

shit defecate
fuck copulate
jerk masterbate
piss urinate
sweat perspire
cunt vulva

As time went on the words commonly used by the Saxons became seen as "vulgar" and "low class". By the late 19th and early 20th centuries, parents were resorting to soap in the mouth to cleanse the mouths of children who continue to use ancient Saxon words.

A final Saxon blessing from your friend Don

"May your piss always be clear
and your shit nice and soft.
May your friends neither be jerks
nor cunts.
And may you sweat lightly
as you fuck"

Later

RELIGION

Taoism - "Shit Happens"

Catholicism - "Shit Happens because we deserve it"

Protestantism - "We work hard so shit doesn't happen"

Judaism - "Why does this shit always happen to us?"

Islam - "Lets go blow up some shit"

Hinduism - "This shit keeps happening over and over again"

Atheist - "No such thing as shit"

Agnostic - "Some shit may have happened"

Buddhism - "This is some enlightened shit"

Rastafari - "Lets smoke this shit"


POLITICS

Republicans - "We earned this shit"

Democrats - "Lets tax this shit"

Libertarians - "We don't need this shit"

Fascism - "Lets shoot these shits"

Communism - "Lets share this shit"

John McCain - "I suffered through this shit"

Sarah Palin - "I can shoot and field dress some shit"

Barak Obama - " I organized this shit"

Joe Biden - "I copied this shit"


Hook'em

Within my "Charlie Brown" shaped head I have tons and tons of facts that have been stored in my brain cells since early childhood. I can list the presidents in order, name all the state capitols, give details about every war fought in American History and can name all the University of Texas Quarterbacks since 1977. Call me a nerd, geek or just strange.

However, I cannot tell you jack shit about who won "American Idol" or who the last people standing on "Survivor". I know diddly squat about reality shows and never was that more apparent than the other night as I watched "Dancing with the Stars" with my good friend Heather.

See, Heather likes these types of shows and she knows her stuff when it comes to reality television. For example, there is this woman on "Dancing with the Stars" named Kim Kardashian. I have never heard of her but was soon told that she was famous for being the daughter of O.J. Simpson's lawyer. I thought his main lawyer was Robert Shapiro but was told that this Kardashian guy was another on O.J.'s team when he got away with murder....uh yeah, so basically this chick is famous because her daddy helped a killer avoid jail time...oh, and then there was that sex tape she did where she has sex with some gangsta rapper. ( ok, I will admit to actually viewing portions of the video on the internet...she is pure skank)

Another one of the celebs on "Dancing with the Stars" was a guy named Lance....(forgot his last name) but anyway he was with one of those boy bands from the 1990s. Heather said "He is the gay one". I was pretty shocked by that revelation since I thought all the guys in the boy bands were gay...oh well.

Speaking of Gays........

Yours truely is now a certified "man magnent". Yes indeed, I was actually hit on today at lunch by a gay man.

How it happened:

Me and some co-workers decided to have lunch today and we ended up at a place called "Steers and Beers" which is located in River Center Mall. We were eating our lunch when a group of gay men came in and sat down for lunch. I had to go pee, so off to the restroom I went. Ok, now for those who do not know the "unwritten rules" of men's restrooms...here it goes. If you have to take a leak at a urinal, you always leave a one urinal space between you and the other men if possible. This rule is in effect at restaurants, movie theaters and especially football stadiums. Men do not violate this rule...PERIOD!

So, Don is taking a leak...in comes "Lawrence". He violates the urinal rule and starts to pee next to me. Then he violates the second rule...DO NOT TALK WHILE PEEING!...anyway Lawrence begins talking.

Lawerence: "How are you today"?
Me: "Fine"
Lawrence: "Are you from San Antonio"
Me: "Yes"
Lawrence: "I just love this city..the people are so wonderful"
Me: "Yeah, we are proud of our city..where are you from"?
Lawrence: "Me and the boys are from Houston. We have no power right now so we are staying with some other boys from San Antonio"
Me: "Thats cool..have you had a chance to see the sites in town"
Lawrence: "Somewhat, we are planning on going to a birthday party at a place called the Bonham Exchange and do some dancing"
Me: "You will like that place. I used to go there in college"
Lawrence: "Did you like it?"
Me: "It was alright"

I finished my business and washed my hands. Told Lawrence "later" and headed to the steak I had not yet finished.

Several minutes later Lawrence and his "boys" got up to leave. As they left, Lawrence came to our table and handed me a folded napkin. I read it and just about died.

"Give me a ring if you are interested (followed by cell phone number and email address) Lawrence"

The two guys in our party gave me hell the rest of the day. The one girl with us lamented the fact that she never gets hit on by anyone, gay or straight. I suppose I should feel flattered that someone out there thinks I am worth picking up....

lol


Later

Life is full of little treasures that pop up when you least expect it. Such as the case yesterday afternoon.....

Some Background: When I was four years old ( 1972 ) my family lived along the banks of the Guadelupe River outside Seguin, Texas. One day a terrible storm system dumped 13 inches of rain upriver and later that night our neighborhood was evacuated as the river began to rise. Dad and my brother loaded up his truck with bedding, pillows, and clothes. Mom did her best to save the things that could not be replaced...family photos, family heirlooms, etc...Oh, and we had four dogs and a cat! We managed to get out with the close on our backs. The next day we were able to get a glimpse of what the flood had done. From a distance we could see the top of our roof barely peaking above the floodwaters. It would be four months before we were able to move back in. During that time we lived in a cheap motel and once school was out mom and dad shipped me and my sister to stay at our grandparents while the house was being rebuilt. Ever since then I have had a soft spot for people who are victims of natural disasters. In 1998 and 2002 I volunteered helping old friends in Seguin rebuild their homes...one of them lived in my old neighborhood. Call me sentimental...

Yesterday I was listening to the news on my way to work and they were talking about how they still needed volunteers at several of the shelters so after work I went down to one and told the person in charge to put me to work. I ended up serving iced tea and punch to people in the lunch line. When that was over I made my way to the play area where dozens of kids were hanging out playing with toys donated.

I noticed two little girls playing separate from the other kids. One was trying to stand a Barbie Doll on its feet while the other one just watched. I stopped and said "Hi" to the girl and she said "hi" back. I told her that she had a pretty Barbie Doll and she turned and informed me "Her name used to be Barbie but I had her name legally changed to Kimberly". I laughed since I wasn't expecting a kid to say something like that.

Right after that a man and woman approached the girls and asked them if they wanted some cake. The smaller one nodded her head while the older one said "Bring me a piece and bring one for Don" I was again caught off guard. I asked her "How did you know my name was Don". She looked at me and pointed "It says so on your name tag goober" Her mom immediately chided her for being rude. I told her it was ok, besides it cracked me up as well. I introduced myself to the couple and I learned that their names were Joey and Bethany and they were from LaPorte outside of Houston. I also learned that the two girls were Erica and Heather and that both of them were autistic...with Heather being labled "asperger's" just like Ethan. We made small talk and of course I mentioned that I was the parent of a child with apserger's as well. We shared stories and compared notes and found out that we had been to the same State Conference on Autism in Corpus Christi several years ago. Bethany told me that Heather collected Barbie Dolls and then went through the process of "legally changing" their names. Heather would chose names of her classmates...her mom explaining that was her way of making connections with the kids at school. Sadly, like Ethan Heather has a hard time making friends. Erica is a bit more on withdrawn..she never said a word except when I left and she said "Bye Bye Mr. Don"

I had planned on leaving after dinner, but found myself not wanting to leave so I made an excuse and stayed longer. I enjoyed visiting with Bethany and Joey and even though they are a younger couple, I found myself thinking these would be good friends to have...they were high school sweethearts and Joey has a job at one of the refinaries while Bethany works as a library assistant at Heather and Erica's school. They had planned to get a hotel, but there were none with vacancies. Both sets of parents live in Louisiana and their path was blocked going east...so San Antonio became the destination.

I played with the girls for a while...mainly conversing with Heather. She informed me that her grandfather was "bit on the butt by a shark". That made me laugh..for I know only too well how family secrets can be exposed through autism...LOL. It was finally time for me to go and as I left Heather said "Mr. Don, you must come visit us at our home when Ike is finished destroying it. You can see my Barbie collection". Well that broke my heart..according to Joey, they were not sure if the house was even going to be there and all I could think of was all of Heather's precious Barbies floating face down in the floodwaters. I reached into my wallet and pulled out fifty dollars and gave it to Bethany and told her to be sure to buy more Babies if she needed to. She tried to give the money back, but I insisted.

Hopefully the Barbies are safe and Erica and Heather will not have to go through the trauma of losing their toys.

Later

**UPDATE**

Just got off the phone with Bethany. Joey went to LaPorte and the house is intact..tree in the front yard is no longer there but house is fine except missing quite a few shingles. No power yet and the family will be locating to a hotel in New Braunfels later today. Good News