11:36pm
09.03.08

GMA’s

I love to hear you talking with your granny
It makes me wonder what I have to look forward to
Make me wonder in general

I enjoy how she sounds when she responds to you
Like she accepts what she can’t see
Like in that moment she knows exactly who you are

I expect to understand some day
I hope to see – I don’t want to but I feel it coming
Time will see.

7:49p – 7:55p\16.4.08

captured stones

these were the words/against swift release/then quickened heartbreak/these were the thoughts/about life and sudden death/miles away/silent moans/sweaty plans/and unseen hate/unseen debate/and though the dress has dirtied now/lying down on a Moonbeam/as she forgets me/I once had the opportunity to touch and talk and know/moments swift as hummingbird wings/but these were the things no one saw coming/and coming soon/to mental playback cerebral theaters/was the truth/caterpillars create second life/butterflies/to when captured/by these hands/turn to stone/…full of grace still/but will/and though it wasn’t meant/sometimes these prints do harm.

3:14am
My Granny

My granny know me
Like she knew me when I was young
I’m afraid to see her getting older
So I just run,

My granny held me tighter
Like we sometimes had one heartbeat
Now shedding tears from
Life’s defeat,

My granny’s secret container
Was like her love bottled for safe keeping
I inhaled it for security
I feel it now seeping,

my words fell like lies/ and my feet kept its pace/ how dare I say good-bye now/ when I barely revealed my face/ I’m afraid to lose you granny/ so I deny this ugly truth/ I want to keep you always alive in me/ so sadly I run from you/ though it could be years from now/ before your ashes sit awaiting/ but I’m so goddamn afraid/ I already fear its fate ending….

2008/02/07
3:20am

12:07am(egypt time)
connecting the dots (universe speaks)



and where my feet meet yours i'm proud to shake your hand and hear your words here your words mean for me this invisible yet distinguishable protective surface assisting in the upright position of thine spine we have covered eyes with fluid filling and my tears mean that I have been honored and blessed to have you sing beautiful phrases that the days we went laughing and asking to have these moments tattooed into our histories existence and I wonder if we meant in the past to have this present
and there with you inside my heart and my memories of freedom topless like how we use to roam nomadic-ally until covers hid who we really are meant to be and what I finally have seen is lyrical to the words I could not orally express and the best thing I have now is the knowledge that I love you and wouldnt change side-walk lying pork rind eating times for anything in or out of this world you became part of my world you are my life if I could paint it would appear as a mosaic collage proclaimed by prose.

12:15am (egypt time yet still in H-town)


Since being home I've had the opportunity to step outside some of my comfort zones. It is not easy, it has not been easy and at times I do not even like it or want to do it. Yet, once it has been done I realize how needed it was and how great it really felt. Its like doing something you hadnt done since you were a kid and you think "I aint doing that, I'm too old for that shit" but then you do and in the midst feel grateful for saying "to hell with it".



Though I know that I am physically and can be mentally the same woman, person, being where ever I roam...I do hope to take what I've learned being home, back to home-Egypt. I missed this place like hell and as the days slowly but surely close-in to my return (july 6th - inshallah) I think about how wonderful it is to have such beautiful people in my life. I have had the opportunity to be honest with myself since being back home. I have had the opportunity to face demons and cry and realize this is life but not all things have to stay negative. In or thru those tears I see real life, I see children and women and men who love me and who say it. It is my belief that I am my savior and the Higher Power I believe in is strong and accepts everything I have to offer. I am glad I came home, I needed it so much and the change that I did not expect happened because it should and because I needed to see and appreciate changes growth.



Whomever reads this (these)...some one should tell you they love you and make you believe it. I love you and you know how its true...because I love and though it is difficult to see love through so much pain in this world, every morning of each breathe you take someone does love YOU, whether you know them or not.

you: "I wish we could talk"


me: Staring out the window, no words just the blowing wind. I continue to stare. Then I think '...I wish we could talk too, I have so much I want to express to you, but then I think that's way too much, I dont know why cause I think we're pass that part of what's too much, but I still think it and I still feel it, and I dont know why I havent told you, cause I'm embarassed, because I like you, because I like what we share, when I share, and I can say this, I can tell you how selfish I'm being, and I can say that sometimes I want to be around you 24/7 and other times believe me I dont want you near to me, that's honesty, but I know you've felt the same about me, I want to say it, but my mouth wont move, these thoughts keep going, but my goddamn mouth wont move, I can feel your hand (you're still here with me), and there is sweat, and there is my fear and jealousy, but no words - still just the blowing wind and then...' "Aight, good-bye, talk to you later."


No hug, to two cheek kiss. Who are we? Who is this? And I can write this all down and my words just won't prove to be able to understand actual movement.


I want to be more for me. I want to communicate with you and others. I want to connect and collaborate but I am here. Four years ago I wasnt who I am now, but I still allowed me, respected me and knew I'd mature and grow into more. Now I am more, now I am at a level where I am beginning to communicate, understanding the hurt and confusion by my silence but I am accepting where I am now, knowing I will continue to grow and mature and learn. Please keep listening, eventually there will be a sound and I will feel it and you will feel it and hear it. I dont mean for it to be so long, to take so long. But the truth is, it took a while for me to be where I was four years ago and it'll take some time for me to get further. Those silent words in my head are about at a speed of 100mph, I've got to learn to slow them down in order to use them verbally/orally.

I've always known it to exist. my gma use to say i was selfish with my toys but i had just cause for that, my cousins broke damn near everything they had, i didnt want my shit broken too.


anyway, since being back home in houston i have noticed, claimed and accepted my selfishness. okay here's the "snip-it" version. coming back home meant for me seeing about my gma, spending some time with friends and family, make some money but mainly to have a reality check. to understand or look outside of this journey, trying to look at the broader picture of it all. to reflect on the choice of remaining in Cairo until SA is going to happen. being here would also be a great opportunity to re-connect with the woman who understood my journey and didnt mock me. to remember who we are as individuals and as a couple. yet being here and not being able to re-connect as much as my selfish heart desires has made me feel quite alone. not just in our situation but even with friends. they are living their lives and doing what they do and i suppose i am having some ADD issues or just plan lack of attention or fuck, just affection issues. and I've thought about it, i dont want to just feel these things every once in awhile when i come back to the states, i think i just want to be able to understand the balance of it all. balancing not having so much of this when i am away and i suppose that this is what that is. like nothing really changes just because i am back in the states. that i am just as distant from her and from them as i am when i am in Cairo, though i do not want that at all.


however, right now i just want her. how easy of me to want to communicate now cause it feels easiest here. and bad thing about it is i feel like an asshole. like i just want to continue engaging with her and not be an asshole or so damn selfish about it. so i own it and say to self "okay, so you're going to learn from this nita...you're going to accept that this is what you are feeling but communicate this with her and with others." thing is am i making myself readily available to communicate when i have people around.


(what's happening to me here? what i was expecting has happened to not be what should be expected.)


- 2bcontd. -