...something I wrote in my head while I walked...

3:13am
19/May/09

i am looking at-3:13-3 then 1 then 3-and i want to make it mean something-so, so that i have self talk to look forward to-last night-i bought-two-2-black and milds-and, and-well and walking back i thought about selling-my-body-i thought about making money to travel-i thought about getting the attention i want-but not the kind i need-i thought that thinking that was a weird idea-an idea that kept running up there though-then i thought about writing-and suddenly i remembered hearing Bob Marley singing about wondering what love was-and i, well i-love Bob Marley-but do i know love-does love know me-and so i made it back inside-sat on my patio and smoked-then i remembered how i got so sad-then i thought of a red head smiling in my face-and my eyes fill with water-and i-i dont think she is me-but-but we are connected in-blindness.

©ARS2009
©Rhae2009



1:09am
20/May/09

Now I'm Writing spaces too small to fit in
but I will write them here anyway
all the way to the bottom-
when I was little I craved so much
the butterfly
both times she escaped me
yet I touched-
every so often I allow tears
its very critical to growth
my growth
critical in that "one life to live" way
no regrets-
when we last saw each other
it felt like it would be
soon
but i haven't touched her skin
and remain intrigued by her ambition
on journey + yet still on her mission
this lifetime was great-
the reflection carries everything
just as in reality, truth is
I do still love me-

©ARS2009
©Rhae2009

Okay, so I'm kind of upset that I have to attempt to post these poems again, because a few days ago when I did there was definitely more free thoughts added and well its just different now.

Anyway, I sorta stated that Amanda had posed a question once of whether or not I'd tried to write shorter poems, a kinda less extensive version of what I'm really trying to say. I had tried that years back - the experience wasnt so bad - but for some odd reason I tend to enjoy blabbing off at the tip of my pen or pencil. Though writing shorter prose is a great challenge and I like very much the sum of it. So I've been practicing a bit - and it has turned out to be a great amount of fun, though I have to admit it is very difficult. It reminds me of how I never finish any of the short stories I've written - because I can never find a stopping point and/or I can't figure out a way to say what the overall point is, in just a few words-lines-stanzas etc.

So here's to trying, Amanda:

(shortees)


10:03pm
23/Apr/09

stability is in the mind of the believer,

i do believe the word stability is only in my mind
thus it does not show up in any other realms of my life


2:10pm
24/Apr/09

we aren't dysfunctional we just
choose, at times, to function under
a category of insanity - clearly we're
just playing. (ha ha ha ha!)


8:53pm
(same date)

peace it back together
piece it in all weather
you pretend like you don't know me
I question the before
as the after is presently
denied.

sentence structure
causes me to hold on to
purposes to solidify
the end of this stanza.


11:53am
4/May/09

the Pass On

i would like to breed peace
stop eating without respect
love myself as well as my body
as in pass notations
give love and selflessness to the earth
in this i think
i will understand and accept more
who i am and where i am from.


2:33am
8/May/09

This Sun
clearly the breeze feels different
the hues have changed as well
but it still seems as if
you've set standards not of sail,
so if you're wishing for change
but not ready for movement
then you're barking up a tree
that hasn't even grew yet.


(all poetry here^)
©ARS2009
©Rhae2009

So there you have it - those are just a few of the short poems I've written recently. A couple of these are my favs. Please let me know what you think.

my friends would say "Remember what happened the last time we let you walk home?"

-took me 1hour and :20minutes to walk this night(or this morning). I'm not too sure if i could've found another way to this building I call home, so when the music hit my ears and my feet began to walk in unison to the rhythm, there was no use in stopping.

-at first negativity slowly crept inside but almost as soon as it did something else began to happen, something of...clarity. though I listened more to the music that played I also began to... (pause 1:35am to shower & breathe - I'll continue later in the day) - (start 1:35pm(ironic...just realized the time similarity))...listened to all the thoughts flooding my mind. immediately, while walking pass neighborhoods trying to live safely hidden behind trees and bushes, I thought of Into the Wild. how difficult or easy would it be to sell all my belongings (maintaining my identity) but just hopping a bus and just going - why am I so afraid to do without? then DMB Grey Street played and memories overflowed from my heart. leaving friends and family, connecting to a woman who seems to be so free there is no way she hears love from me, venturing in a land where I knew no one and nothing about the land. continuing to walk as I thought about the destinations streets could lead to - people I could meet along the way, lessons to be learned. as more DMB played I thumbed thru the lyrics of Satellite and Busted Stuff knowing the meanings - recalling, seeking, seeing them in '07 - the gift - the tribute artists in Egypt and back to her, then back to me. I've realized that love is what I seek and I realize that I know how to love others but am having the hardest time realizing that the love I have for self is my main necessity. the streets are getting dark and it happens - a vehicle pulls in front of me - I am aware and unafraid and though I compare this to living abroad (cause its the only other place I've lived) I think if I were there I'd have an american passport to damn near save my life - here I am subject to possible abduction/rape/death - but right now I am not afraid. my friends would not like this, will probably think I am crazy. well if this is the real glimpse into insanity for me then all I can hope for is that you guys will tolerate my insanity and love me yet still the same.

- I walk ala toole. my eyes affixed to what awaits ahead this grey street, continuously singing out loud not fully acknowledging the cars presence but aware of the color make model and plate# (oh I'm good - lol, what good is all that info if I get abducted though). so I delete it from my thoughts to re-focus in travel/me. is it necessary to start school, fuck, all I want to do is write and travel anyway. two pairs of changing clothes, a toothbrush, my wallet and passport, two pens and a notebook (less). as I walk on, my feet begin to hurt - I think definitely a better pair of traveling shoes (the black ones from payless). can I do it again yet this time getting rid of it all, minus a photo of me and my gma....then it hits me - she no longer physically present - mourning still am I - I cant reach her and I cant reach the other, the focus solely remains on me. I dont want to be afraid - I want to fly and learn French and share, give and receive love. why does my skin need touch? my gma use to hug me and I could feel her all within me and now, now I feel my hand move swiftly across notebook paper - rough and smooth at the same time and my finger tightly gripped and causing pain to the pen resting harshly against my other fingers. my thoughts continue to linger on, not escaping but living, for me. I pass a dead raccoon and my sympathy for this creature. a normally aggressive protector but cute in its own angered way. hmm?

-I should've finished writing this when I got in instead of taking a pause, most my other thoughts have faded with the night. though I know the thoughts and feelings are still very present, I've just kinda lost written ability to verbalize it. but as I did walk on, anxious to get home to a shower, i wondered if I could get rid of that anxiety as well. two more vehicles annoying the shit outta me - I still refuse to play this timid scared woman at night - fuck that, I am strength courage and fluid, if anything were to ever happen I wont go down without a fight. is this how I should be looking at my life? oh oh stubborn is s/he - stubborn is me.

-home, this place I rest my head. it is not Moonbeam, it is not Egypt, it is not me - my feet seek retreat and mobility. and I want not to be afraid - I cant wait until I am not and I pack a bag, clothes rolled and I go. this is truth and I share is cause there is no "too much" there is "just is" and because I'm losing fear to express I'm hoping this helps to lose the fear of fully letting go and giving to life so that I may take in what life has been giving to me.

-rhae-
(i've got a small blister!)


i love my friends.



{I must acknowledge that this is not about what others think - this is about me.}