I started back to work on the past Saturday. I had thought that it would be difficult for me to go back to work. My job, as most know, is at Edys Grand Ice Cream. I am a merchandiser and that basically means that I am the peon that puts the ice cream on the shelf. I say peon because I know I am low man on the totem pole for this company, this is not meant in an insultive manner for myself. Working in such a position allows a person to see that even the low man is necessary for a company to do what it needs to do. Without us, that are willing to shoulder the lowly work of life, the world would stop in its tracks. I got my job because of my Dad and also because of Tony. They were both working at Edys and were instrumental to me getting hired on there. My job, because of this, has always reminded me of them and been the cause of me thinking about them through out the day. Something would happen or something is said that would bring one of them to the forefront of my thoughts. I had hoped that I would not obsess on Tony and not get any work done. The first couple of days were rough, not because I obsessed in my thoughts, but instead because I could hardly think at all. Monday was better, I was able to get back into the swing of things. I put my headset on with music and that helped me keep my head where it needed to be. Tuesday was Valentines day... I did not let on to others, but my mind was on Penny a lot. Tony and her should have been celebrating that day with each other... should have been married and happy, but that is never going to happen. I feel so badly for Penny right now... all the special days for couples are going to be so very difficult on her for quite some time. I know she will eventually find someone else, and I know Tony would want her to find someone and be happy, but I also know it will not happen right away or even for quite some time. Wednesday there was a rally at work and it was fairly difficult for me. Whereas I was trying hard to not think about the sadder things of life, everyone around me kept coming up and wanting to talk about what happened and kept my mind on it all. I know several of them were Tonys friends and so were concerned, I know that they are also my friends and so wanted to make sure I was ok... That is all nice, but not helpful in the long run. Today, Thursday. I don't know if it is because of my up coming trip, the people talking about Tony yesterday, or the stress over money that I had going on today... but I could not stop thinking about Tony. Try as I might, my mind kept wondering back to him. I keep thinking about all the good times and the bad times in my life with him. There really are more good times then bad with him. He was a good brother, someone that loved me and protected me. For those that don't know, he is the older of the two of us, by about two years. He was also quite a bit larger then I am or have ever been. Unfortunately I had a big mouth as a kid and would often have people wanting to shut it with their fists. If Tony was around, he would not let anyone hurt me... well, no one but himself. We fought a lot as children, but what brothers don't? We were close enough in age to be interested in much the same things, and kept getting into each others way. There were many times that our disagreements ended with flying fists and more then a little blood. We both had some anger issues that we needed to work through and we worked through them by abusing each other in our fights. As I grew up, I started turning that anger to the people who picked on me and that sometimes would cause me more problems then I cared to have. At this time, Tony was out of school and could not protect me from my own stupidity. You hit someone twice your size and the results are often painful. But even though he could not be there to help me, he was always there to listen to me. He would let me get my frustrations out and would give me good brotherly advice. Usually it amounted to "hit him with a bat next time" or "you know, when you are getting the crap kicked out of you, fighting dirty is not as shameful as fighting fair is painful." It was not always the best advice, but we are guys, and guys will be guys.

Every day is different then the last and I know today is not my last bad day, but I know with the help and love of my friends and family, there will be more good days then bad.

The funeral was yesterday and I return back to work tomorrow. The funeral was nice... I think he would have approved. Our cousin Tom sang a couple of songs... He has a wonderful voice and does a lot of church singing and stuff, but the songs are so sad. I know, it is funeral and so it is suppose to be sad, but why???? I don't want sad music at my funeral, just happy, bouncy music. It does not seem proper for a furneral, but I have never been a proper person. Towards the end, the son of another cousin played the bagpipes. I don't know why he did it but at least it was loud enough to let people cry and sad enough to bring it out. But the bagpipes???? We are Irish, not Scottish... I could understand a toast to his memory with beer, lots and lots of beer, but not bagpipes. I think if Tony could have, he would have busted a gut laughing at the thought of bagpipes at his funeral But, it was nice and the person playing it did a really good job.

I did not do as well as I had hoped I would... I discovered at the end of the service that my legs did not want to work for me. Every time I tried standing, my knees wanted to buckle. My nephew and one of my brothers friends helped me up and kept me from falling. I cried some... more then I wanted... but Penny... that poor dear did not hold up at all through lots of it... Dad did better then I expected, and so did my sister.

Beth was a great support for me, without her there during the funeral, I could not have done it. Mom wanted pictures... I could not take them, so Beth did it... sitting there listening to the sad music and the bagpipes, she gave me a hand to hold and her arms to hold me. It was bad on me, but without her, it would have be so much worse.

After the service we all went back to Grandmas and the kids played Hop on Chuck... I had several of the kids jumping on me and wrestling with me. I do love kids so much and I might be biased, but love those kids lots and lots. It was nice to have the distraction after the sadness of the funeral. When Beth and I got home, we were so tired from the day that we were asleep within ten minutes of stepping through the door. Rest is a good thing, but this was more like we turned ourselves off for repairs.

It is times like this that tells someone who their friends are. I am lucky, I have good friends. So many people were/are praying for us and helping us... so many came out to either the viewing or the funeral that did not have to go, but did for us. My moms best friend from when I was a child was there. She was one of the ones that asked if I knew who she was... I, of course, did not till she started listing her childrens names to remind me. The brother of one of my friends was also there. He came because he wanted to support me and be there if needed.  Several of my friends who could not be there sent flowers to let us know that they are thinking about us. I can now see why such things are important. It is a good reminder of who loves us... I found myself looking more and more at the flowers and it helped me maintain control of myself. Then there was Jarrod and Tina. They came to both the viewing and the furneral. Jarrod could not stay long at the viewing because of a meeting, but Tina stayed the whole time. This was more helpful then I thought it would be. I could not spend the time needed with Beth because I had other people I had to talk to and also because I was wrapped up in my own sorrow... She kepted Beth occupied and kept Beths spirits lifted a bit higher then I could have done. She was also a comfort to me... she was there when I needed to talk and left me alone when I needed that too. The night before the viewing Jarrod and Tina took us out for a movie and dinner... it was good to get my mind off of things for the short time and helped me deal with what I had to deal with... although I will not live down getting sick that night. I did not want to break down, so it came out in a different form. Now Beth teases and says that I did not want to have a wussy cry and had a nice manly puke instead. Those that knows Beth can probably hear her saying that... it is her sense of humor and I had to laugh also. I have found that I am lucky in my choice of friends. They are a comfort in thought and deed... Those that live here are here for us in person and those at a distance are here for us in spirit. Thank you to all my friends and loved ones.

Now it is time for me to go to bed. I have work in the morning and need lots of sleep for it. I am glad to be returning to work, something else for me to think about instead of Tony. Something for me to do besides cry and be depressed. As a friend has pointed out, getting back to a routine is helpful in the healing process and she is so right.

To all that has asked if I am ok. No, I am not ok... but I will be and each day gets me closer to being ok. And with a little help from my friends (or maybe a lot of help), being ok will come quicker.

*The photo: Tony is on the left and Penny is kneeling with her three children (Krestin, Chelsea, and Austin) The others are members of Pennys family.

The viewing for my brother was yesterday. As anyone could have expected, it was extremely difficult for everyone involved. His death has touched lots of people and I think most of them were there yesterday asking if I remembered them. Why do people do that? Here I am not even able to remember myself and people that I have not seen in twenty years and who has changed completely asking if I remembered them. I know I have been guilty of doing the same thing in the past but I think I will be making a concious effort to actually introduce myself to people and telling them where they knew me from. That way it will ease the burden of trying to remember.

The body was cold, so very cold... and hard where the muscles were. My sister kept touching him face and hands, but I could not get myself to touch him very much. He just did not feel real to me, or look real... his skin was darker then in life... I am sure this has a lot to do with the makeup that is needed to keep the deceased from looking dead. Tammy kepted asking if it was ok to touch him and/or to kiss him. Of course it is ok to have contact with the body, so many people need it to have closure in their lives. For me, it did nothing for me to touch him, I got no closure from it. My closure comes from knowing he was a good person and that I will hopefully see him again.

Death has come to my family. Early Sunday morning, my brother was found dead. He died in his sleep with out signs of pain or suffering. He was laying in his living room where he would often go when he could not sleep. He would lay down in front of his television and watch it till he would go to sleep. So he was doing what he liked to do. I am told that the night before, him, our dad, his fiancee, and her kids went to a movie and had a wonderful time. I am glad that his last night in this life was a good life. Penny, his fiancee (I am sure I am spelling it wrong), made him happier then I had ever seen him before... and the kids... he always wanted kids and even though they were not from him, they were his kids. He loved them as much as any father could ever love his own children. I wish he could have married Penny, but to us in the family... he did just that. Her and her children are as much a part of my family as anyone could be. I am Uncle Chuck to those kids and even though they are not of my blood, I hope to always be Uncle Chuck to them.

I remember so many wonderful and probably as many not so wonderful things about him... the not so wonderful parts are from growing up with him, since we are brothers, we fought a lot. I think it is normal to fight with sibilings and the ones that don't fight with each other are freaks in a way that I don't understand. But as adults, the bad times were few and far between. I am glad to have been able to be his friend as well as his brother. For those that don't know him... he was a bear of a man. He was like a walking mountain with a heart of gold. He loved everyone and did not hold grudges long. If you made him mad, you might want to stay clear of him till he calms down, but he always did calm down and then things were good again. He was always laughing and joking and making those around him happy. He was not without his problems... he disliked this mortal coil as much as anyone could. Lots of bad things happened in his life, maybe more then lots of people have experienced. He took all this in stride and continued living the best that he could. He always had a kind word for most anyone, and he always had a smile for anyone who cared to look for it.

For my friends, I must tell you that I will hurt, but I will be alright. I am strong enough to shoulder this when I need to, to help my family get through this... and when it is done and over, I will have my friends and loved ones to help me though my rough times. But in all, I will survive and be ok.

I love my brother very much and I am going to miss him terribly.

The following is his obituary.

YORKTOWN - Tony Donovan 39, of 2029 Chloe Lane, Greenwood, passed away unexpectedly on Sunday, February 5, 2006 at his residence.

He was born in Muncie, January 14, 1967. He graduated from Blackford County High School in 1985.

He was employed with Driving Ambition in Indianapolis.

Tony loved music and enjoyed reading books by Stephen King.

He is survived by his father, William Donovan of Greenwood; his mother, Wilma Brown Walker (husband-Bob); one brother, Charles Donovan (wife-Beth) of Fishers; two sisters, Tammy Farling (husband- Steve) of Hartford City and Cheri Donovan of Missouri; his fiance' and love of his life, Penny Michael and children, Kresten, Chelsea and Austin; and several nieces and nephews.

Funeral services will be Thursday 2:00 p.m. at the Gant Funeral Home, Yorktown Chapel.

Friends may call Wednesday 4-8 p.m. at the funeral home and one hour prior to services.

Memorials may be made to the Riley Children's Hospital, Indianapolis, IN.