Today I ran into someone that knows the person directly responsible for my ex GF's death (Oct 3, 2004).  It has brought out old hurts and generally as me in a down mood.  He (Syn) sold the driver of the car she was in laced weed.  In the result of it was a car crash that claimed her life, gravely injured her brother and in general put me one breath away from killing him (driver and Syn).  Had seriously evil but efficient thoughts on how to balance the scales on that account. 

Because of that event I am afraid to say the 3 little words to anyone other than my son.  Those words are "I Love You".  It terrifies me to say them and then that I will lose that person .  60 days after I lost my Gf I lost my mom, 30 days later my cat.  I tell people I care about them and that is as far as I can say.  Much as I feel I am afraid that if I say it I will lose the person, and that I don't think I could deal with.  One person I dated had a problem with it and I am not with her cause of it.  Some people understand that I am damaged goods. 

It is something I have to adapt to and something I am trying to deal with.  To only say thank you when someone says it to me makes me feel like I am belittleing them.  Someday I may feel it enough in my heart to say it back  but I am unsure.

I guess this is just more  a splurge of thoughts rather than a rant post like I normally do.  Feel special because I don't normally talk about my feelings...

Normally wouldn't ask for this but here goes.  My son wants to send my ex (his mom) her mothers day card.  I know she is in Omaha Nebraska and though some of you that read this may not be here she is in the chainmaille/goth community.  She has gone by several yahoo ID's : blackdahlia_ne, coffinblonde among others.  Her Maiden name is Gail Fredericka Newlin.  Her new Married name is Oberlander... I believe she married a guy named Greg A.  Anyone able to help me please let me know.

I hate these dreary days.  I had to get on the funeral homes ass that takes care of the grave site  that my mom is buried at.  She passed in 04 and there is not grass on the plot still.  It took them 8 months to set the head stone.  I explained to them that i want it don before the end of the month even if they have to sod it as my sister moves to KC then.  I want her visit at the end of the month to be one where it is a settling one at the site.  Just venting...Sorry...

Hmmm  how does one deal with someone that is disrespectful?  Normally I would be confrontational and in that person face but what happes if they are a child?  I don't think it is right to just ignore it because then they feel that they can do so to anyone else.  On the other hand I can't correct them either as I am not their parents.  I just wish that people would be netural to each other and give respect where it is due.  Why go out of your way to be a pain in the ass? If ya don't like someone then don't talk to them.  Am I wrong in the way I see things?