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The two loves in my entire world are the the ones I gave life to, Brianna and Monica, all eyes are on you. I love you.

Entry for September 12, 2006: The last three days have been crappy. Today I just hurt so bad, I felt like I had the flu. My body hurt so damned bad....omg I just wanted to die, I did nothing but cry because every bone in my body ached.

I have went back to using bengay and my wrist brace, because my dr is a moron and won't give me anymore pain pills for the carpal tunnel. Will someone please explain this to me. I have had it for 11 yrs now. 11 yrs, not a short time. I have it in both arms, right arm is worse then my left, as well it should be, I am after all right handed. Now my injury was due to a job related one, 11 yrs ago. I had heat therapy for 6 weeks while I was still at this place. DID NOT HELP!! And this was right after the injury and diagnosis of the carpal tunnel. Now my dr said in order to get more pain pills they want me to go to PT. WTF. I have had it for 11 long ass years. I have dealt with the pain and the shoulder pain now as a result of it for 11 years. And the doctor I had in Colorado had me on meds for the pain. BUT NOOOO not now, the dr here in Michigan says PT. OMG how damned dumb can you get. After this long I have so much tendon damage that the only way to repair it is by having surgery and there is no way in hell I will have that.

I have to buy a new heating pad now, because the last time my back hurt like a bitch, I slept with it and apparently it scorched and it had to be thrown away. Total accident, but oh well. So in the mean time, until I get in to see another dr for a second opinion in another town, I am slapping the bengay on and smelling like an old woman.

Friday September 15, 2006 - 01:21am (EDT) Permanent Link | 0 Comments
Entry for September 07, 2006: Here it is 5:31am Thursday morning and I can't sleep. Don't get me wrong, I did in fact go to bed around 2 or so. Monica was being her normal pest and refused to lay down unless I came to bed. So I went, only she decided once I got in there to cut up, scream, cry, throw a fit, you name it, she did it.

3:30 in the morning, her little butt is still up, layin on the bed crying for no reason, other then I am no longer holding her. I had just laid her down and not even five minutes later, she is up again. Mike instead of picking her up and comforting her, he lets her lay there and scream. After five minutes of that I barked at them both. I told him why the hell don't get off your ass and actually do more then lay there and listen to her scream. I don't get any homework done, I don't get to shower alone, I don't get to go pee alone, I don't do anything without Monica up my ass 24/7 and it really is starting to piss me off. The only time I get any time alone is when he gets a day off and by then I am so exhausted all I do is sleep all day long, the last thing on my mind is sitting my fat ass in a chair and doing homework, especially knowing in doing so will be me not giving my homework one hundred percent attention or using my brain power.

So I watched a movie instead. Couldn't even watch that in silence either. I have watched and watched "Diary of a mad black woman" maybe 10 times and I still cry every single time.

There is a spot in the movie where Helen and her mom at her grandmother's place after Church. Helen's mother tells her, "forgive him and then forgive yourself, because if you don't they hold power over you. Power that isn't theirs to hold." Got me to thinking, every time I watch it I think. Only this time did it make sense to me.

There are two people in my life who hold power over me. It's my life, and I can't let them have power over me, now, ever or in the future. So I have to forgive them. It took me having Brianna to forgive Jamie for all he did to me. So this time I have only one thing to say to both Michael and to Twila.

~_~_~_~ I FORGIVE YOU ~_~_~_~

Michael

I forgive you for all the lying you have done.

I forgive you for the cheating.

I forgive you for denying your own flesh and blood.

But at the same time I forgive myself for letting you ever have control over my heart and my feelings and letting you hold the power to hurt me and my soul. You no longer can hurt me. No matter what you say or what you do. You no longer have power over me.

Twila- the woman who gave birth to my mother. For that I thank you. If you had never had her, I wouldn't be here. But for all the small bits of good you have done, you have done more wrong and evil then one person alone should be able to do.

You were my own flesh and blood. My grandmother. A woman I thought I could trust. A woman who claimed to love me and her granddaughter. Only you don't know how to love. You only know how to use. Am I bitter? You're damned right I am. Do I hate you? How could I not. After all the things you did to my babygirl, all the lies you told to take her knowing it was all nothing but a pack of lies, knowing in your soul I'd give my life for that child. You hurt me the way and only way you knew how. You took the most precious thing to me, my own daughter. And in doing so you too took control over my mental health, my heart and my soul. Well no longer. Because I forgive you too.

I forgive you for breaking up my family.
I forgive you for hurting my mother.
I forgive you for abusing and neglecting my babygirl.
I forgive you for ripping her out of my life for the last 5 yrs.
I forgive you for trying to turn my own child against me, a child who lived inside my womb for 9 wonderful months. A child I gave life to. A child who knows in her heart and soul, she is more precious to me then my own life. A child who knows I would never leave her or abandon her.

I forgive you for everything in the past and for everything you will do in the future.

But most of all I forgive myself for allowing you in my home and to hurt my children. God gave me a gift, Brianna. He gave me another gift, Monica. I am their mother. At the end of each and every single day no matter how you try and cut it or twist it, I am the mother to Brianna Dalissa-Marie Parrish and to Monica Makayla-Ann Estwick. I gave them life when I choose to have them. They came from my body, they are apart of me now and forever, just as I am apart of them. You no longer win Twila. You may have Brianna now, but you can never take the one thing from her that makes her who she is, ME!!! You don't have control anymore and you never will. I feel bad that you have to hurt people to make them love you. It is rather sad if you think about it. But when all is said and done, I want nothing from you but my daughter. You may have won in court and for a very short time you controled my emotions. NO LONGER. YOU HAVE LOST!!!

ITS MY LIFE AND BABY I AM ALIVE, I AM HERE, I AM HERE TO STAY AND TOMORROW WHEN I WAKE UP, I WILL KISS MY CHILDREN, I WILL HUG THEM TIGHT AND I WILL NEVER LET THEM GO.

Friday September 15, 2006 - 01:17am (EDT) Permanent Link | 0 Comments
Entry for August 22, 2006: Last nite I took a shower and all I did was stand in there and cry. All I want is to bring Bri home where she belongs, for her to be with her sister and I. I want my girls to be together. I am getting so tired and worn out from all this crying. I don't know what the hell I ever did for her to hate me and do this to me or my daughter. I do have news for her, when all is said and done, Bri will learn the truth and she will hate her. You don't have any idea how hard it is to go to bed every nite not knowing if your own flesh and blood is ok, if she is crying, if she is thinking about you, if she is being abused, if she ate dinner, if her clothes are clean, if they fit her, so many things run through my mind that I don't sleep anymore. I can't, it just is to much for me to handle. If I keep myself busy, then i can't focus on her and what she maybe lacking. I hate Twila with a passion and I know her day will come, but at what expense, at the expense of my daughter is what.

If I could only turn the clock back and do this all over, I would of never of left her there and said ok you can spend the summer and just went home. I blamed myself for a very long time, but I didn't do anything. I did what I wanted for my kid and it came back to bite me in the ass. You live and learn and I am sorry that you had to be in the cross fire baby, I really am.

Your sister knows your name and your age. It is rather funny to hear her say it, because it is not Brianna it's Brea. It is so cute. This afternoon she sat and watched Winnie the Pooh and I looked over at her and it reminded me of you when you were small. I just lost it and I hate when she sees me lose it like that. She came and hugged me and told me its ok mommy its ok. I wouldn't let go of her. Poor kid has no idea what the hell goes on around her.

~~~~~~~~ Now on a positive note, Monica is doing awesomely with her slow progress in potty training. She went three days with wearing underpants and only wet two pairs. She did have an accident in the bathroom, but that was partly because daddy did not put the lid down and she is not sure how, so she peed on the floor. So I do not blame her, I blame Mike for that. I have told him time and time again, PUT THE LID DOWN, but of course being a man, he does not want to listen. Pissed me off to no end, no pun intended, that he was like she needs to learn to put it down. Yes, I know but damned let her grasp the entire concept of potty training before you go throwing putting the lid down on it for her to go. I always keep her Dora potty seat on there, if I have to go, I go and replace it back where it was. Her running in there to not find it there, confused her and she could not wait. Poor girl, but she has done grand, YEAH MONI!!!!!!!!!!!! I am proud of her.

Well it is about 4:30 in the morning and my legs are swollen the size of fruits now. I think I will go to bed and cuddle up with Moni girl. Mike is being a dick and is sleeping in his room. Fine with me, big dumbass.

NITE ALL, hope everyone had a good rest.

LOVE YOU MONI & BRI sweet dreams to you both

Friday September 15, 2006 - 01:14am (EDT) Permanent Link | 0 Comments
Entry for August 20, 2006: I swear I am beginning to think maybe I have the word "stupid" written on my forehead some damned place. But I have checked time and time again and can't seem to see it there, makes me wonder who the hell he is looking at when he talks to me. Probably himself in the mirror, lord knows he looks at himself when he walks down the hall every time. I have never seen a man more vain but at the same time, absolutely no self esteem. Sad really.

The other day I was talking to Yvonne and I told her about a time he told me I had no self esteem, Pretty sure she cracked up just as much as I did. Anyone who knows me, knows I have no self esteem issues. Sure I got more butt then I need, and maybe I could stand to lose 50-60 or a 100 pounds, but you know what, I DO NOT CARE!!! I love me just as I am, fat ass and all. lol. I know what I look like when I get all dressed up, do my hair and put make up on, but why do all that just to sit in this shitty house all day. Makes no sense and its a waste of hairspray and make up lol, why waste it if the only thing here to compliment you is your two year old. And believe it or not, she could care less if I was running nekkid, she would love me just the same.

I so need to get out of here and just sell it all and ship my desk and computer to my moms. The only thing I worry about is Monica. She loves her dad, but after him yelling at her last nite like he did, he was lucky he didn't get his ass beat for it. I know she wakes up alot in the middle of the night and sometimes ok well all the time, she is a piss ant and does not want to go to bed, but I am not going to yell like a wild lunatic at her for it. Then he wonders why she is so outlandish, HELLO FOOL you screaming at her sure as hell ain't helping any. I told him you ever yell at her like that again and it will be your last time. He got snotty with me and goes whatever, I said whatever my ass I am warning go ahead do it and see if I don't kick your ass back into last week. I said and if you don't like that to damned bad, go sleep some other damned place. Poor Moni had the blanket over her head, I pulled it off and she goes sorry mommy, I said you did not do anything to be sorry for. God, I seriously wanted the slap the shit out of him, but I don't dare touch him and give him any leverage to get me into trouble. So tonite when he gets home, he is going to apologize to her.

I wish I knew what the hell I am doing. I know for damned sure I am going to be gone by October, mom needs me and I need to get out of here. I hate it here, there are no jobs, nothing here. I have no reason what so ever to stay here, grr I am just so pissed. The only thing I do know is school starts Aug 23rd and I will be busy after that. *go me go me I'm in college again* lol :)

And to my Brianna, MY DAUGHTER!! yeah you read that right Twila, MY DAUGHTER, I love you and I miss you. There is not a day that goes by where I do not think of you or wish you were here with me. All the lies Twila has told you are that nothing but lies. I never left you and I would never leave you. I gave birth to you because I wanted you, you stole my heart baby girl the very first time I laid eyes on you. Just like your little sister, you two are the most important things in my life. I could not ask for anything more beautiful or precious as you two are in every single way. You will be with me soon my dear, I PROMISE!!!!! I LOVE YOU BRIANNA!!!!

Friday September 15, 2006 - 01:11am (EDT) Permanent Link | 0 Comments
Entry for August 15, 2006: Many of you know my mom is sick, very sick and some of you don't. The other day I was talking to her and she told me I am the only thing that makes her happy and that she is proud of me and proud of me as a mom in the way I am with my daughters. She tore my heart out. She makes it sound like she is dying on me and I cannot stand the thought of that happening.

Many of you know Mike or at least who he is in my world. I am sure he knows or at least understands how frightened I am. But it seems like when I ask him for a little help all I hear is how he can't do it. I get sick of being told no. So it has come down to me finally giving him an ultimatium of either help me or get the hell out of my way.

I am so very unhappy here in Michigan. There are no jobs and the ones that are around I can't work at because I have no one to watch Monica. I can't work during the day, he works. I can't work during the afternoons, he works. I can't work durin the evening, because he is either at work or referreing some damned place. And he says to me, "stick her in daycare." FK THAT SHIT, you stick it up your ass. Its my job to raise her not some idiot who don't know her. GRR just so damned frustrating as hell. I HATE MICHIGAN and everything in the damned state.

I start school again in 8 days, YEAHHHHH!!!!!! I cannot wait. I am so bored out of my mind. I am more happy then anything. I feel so alive and that I have a purpose when I am doing my school work. I feel challeneged and I feel like I am one step closer to bringing my baby back where she belongs WITH ME!!!

Friday September 15, 2006 - 01:03am (EDT) Permanent Link | 0 Comments

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