I'm so tired of lies, of games, of this feeling that I've fallen down the rabbit hole and what lies at the end is something I'm not prepared for. Tired of feeling hurt, betrayed, like something not worth loving. I'm tired of this inner battle.

I want to wake up and find that everything's ok. I want to find the girl who loves me as much as I love her. I want my grades to be better than they are. I want to be sure of myself and others. I want to breathe fresh air.

But I can't. I wake to my ever increasing nightmare. Nothing is ok, save that I'm alive. The girl I love also loves another that I'm sure she would choose over me. My grades suck and my GPA is in the toilet. I'm not sure of anything and my trust is given shakily at best. I'm choking on the smoke of my friends' cigarettes.

Come to California and have a good time. *sighs* I guess you really can't leave like they say in "Hotel California"

I'm done. I have the hardest time thinking positive. All I can see sometimes is me freezing to death in a cardboard box, alone.

But I'm not going to go to that fate without a fight. I'll go back to school and try harder. I'll try to find a job here for the summer. I'll try to believe that I can be loved in return. I'll just keep waking up and trying. That's all I can do.

I love my mom. I love my friends and family. I will always love the girl.

Well, yesterday I found out that I was named Opinion Editor of "The College World." It wasn't my first choice, but I'm cool with it. To think I used to stay away from the editorials because I felt I didn't have an opinion worth listening to. Now, not a week goes by that I don't hear someone comment on how good my article was. Heh, the new News editor even asked if I was going to write op-ed articles now that I was the editor because she really liked my articles. I probably will. The sad thing is we just don't have that many dedicated writers. The ideal situation is that the editors are not supposed to write stories, but they often do.

I'm really hoping that I can finish next semester. It costs way too much to be here. I thought that alone would be enough to make me work hard, but college is difficult. There tend to be more subjects you don't like rather than those you do.

I'm headed out to California for the summer. I have no clue what I'll do there. Mostly I imagine I'll be begging for an internship or at the very least, the chance to get experience. I'll talk to my advisor before she leaves. See if I can get her to write an official letter or something so that people will take me seriously until my BA is in my hands.

I'll try to update more often. I know my many fans are starved for info about me. *winks*

Another year comes to a close as I sit in quiet reflection. Soon the 24th year that I have lived will be upon us. Another year that by all rights, I'm not supposed to be here. That's why I don't fear aging quite as much as others. The year is quite literally a gift as is every year I'm fortunate enough to have.

The meaning of life has been sought after since man first walked the Earth. Why are we here? What is our purpose? Every religion I can think of has been set up to explain our supposed meaning, our greater purpose. There are those that cling despertely to them. shutting out all else. We all find meaning through our loved ones. Parents must teach and raise their children. The love we find in others keeps us here.

That's probably the closest thing to meaning and purpose we have. I don't think there's a grand scheme to life. I think life just is. If nothing we do matters, then all that matters is what we do. All we have is this moment. The future is only imagination and the past is a memory. The moment is all that is real, is all that we can do anything with. It's fun to imagine that I've got this big destiny, that my books will bring about peace that will resonate throughout all life for as long as it exists. It's fun to imagine, but I know I'm not that important. All I can do is finish school, write my books, and find the love that will sustain me throughtout the rest of the years that I may have.

If I ever make the history books, some kids will read about some guy that lived a long time ago and did something...important. I guess that explains the "D" they'll get huh? Study up kids and get your good grades. I wonder if this blog will survive the ages. If it does, will people understand that I was more than a name and date? Will they understand the point I tried to make?

I'm not trying to undermine anyone's beliefs. I know some people need them. My words aren't gonna cause some epiphany, but if it makes you think, really think, then I've done my job. All we have is today. Today. I made my readers think. What did you do?

The smallest act of kindness is the graeatest thing in the world.