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What makes me tick, get's me fired up, makes me laugh and turns me on...Your glimpse into my head.
- Just DIE would ya? JEEEZ!
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My friend's cat just passed away (my condolences) and it got be thinking about all the ways people refer to death and dying now.
"Put to sleep"
- What it means: "my dog is sick and we need to kill it to put it out of it's misery so let me pay this jagoff $500 that I don't have to do it".
I realized that this is only the case with animals and never anything else. In fact, only cats and dogs if you really narrow it down. You don't put your goldfish to sleep, you wait till it dies and flush the fucker. I've never heard of anyone taking a hamster down to the vet and having it "put down"
I think it's just a city slicker thing. If you go on a farm somewhere and an animal is on its "last legs" they shoot it in the head. This is the best thing to do. It's quick, easy, and it saves you all the grief and anguish of sitting in a waiting room holding the animal you took care of all its life and put it into the hands of a stranger. It may be a little messy and horrifying but you would definitely get your last words in.
"Pull the plug"
What you don't ever hear is "Grandpa was sick so we had to put him to sleep". No, with humans it's "pull the plug". And it's always a decision that the family has to make. "Pull the plug" is worse than "put to sleep".
Trust me; pulling the plug is not all it's cracked up to be. It's not like they just rip a plug out of the outlet and POOF the guy is dead. They drug the shit out of the person so they can’t feel themselves dying then they take them off all the machines. No plugs are pulled.
True story about "pulling the plug": When I was a kid my uncle had his 8th heart attack (wine with breakfast will do that to you). His body took a "turn for the worse" (another asinine thing to say) and the doctor said that it was OUR decision to "pull the plug" on him or not. Great, leave it to us, with all our experience practicing medicine I’m sure we'll come to a decision within an hour. Jackass. We decided not to "pull the plug" because no one had the stomach to "kill my uncle" and he is still alive today, 6 years later,...9th heart attack. Whatever. ;-)
"No longer with us"
"Jimmy is no longer with us." Who is he with now? Is he playing for another team? Actually, Jimmy is still with us. I can bring him to you if you lend me a shovel and a flashlight.
I won't touch "passed away" because that's a Carlin. I want to. But I won't.
"In a better place"
Really??? Do you want to switch spots with him???
"Croaked"
Finally a little sense of humor to go along with death.
"It was just his time to go"
Try fuckin' telling him that! I don't think he'd like how you keep fuckin' time now would he?
"Kicked the bucket"
In the old days, if you kicked a bucket the sentence was death? Harsh!
"We lost him"
You loose your keys. AND there is no we here. If you live, and HE died. HE lost his life, you didn't. We lost him is just stupid! BUT I think I know where to find him.
I'm not trying to be insensitive here. ( OK yes I am! ) But some of these phrases seriously have to go. They sound ridiculous and sugar-coated.
People die. That's life. Get used to it!
Wednesday August 30, 2006 - 09:27am (MDT) Permanent Link - Bathroom Rules!
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OK people - you'd think this shouldn't be a topic, that we'd know the deal here...but apparently you don't. By "YOU" I mean the ones breaking the damn rules - so without further "a-pooh"... the bathroom rules!
1) Flush. Just flush the god damn toilet. It's not gonna fly back out at you in a panic, it goes DOWN the hole. Unless you have a mega-doodie and forsee a clogging event, why would you want to leave your stinky feces and tons of toilet paper and urine just sitting there? Are you marking your territory? Leave a business card. Write your name on the stall is you must. Hell use your picture phone to capture the moment - BUT FLUSH THE BASTARD!
2) If someone else is in the bathroom washing their hands or something, it's okay to just walk into a stall and crap. That's why you went there, right? Don't just walk in, see someone, then wash your hands and walk out. We all know you are just gonna come back in a few minutes. People shit, and most people don't care if you intend to shit. This is why you are there. If you walk into the closet and do it, I can see the problem...but the bathroom is there for just this occision. Shit there!
3) It's okay to poop. Females can poop ( I just don't want to know ). So just poop. Don't be scared. Sure you may make some noise, it's a li'l body musical. Run with it. If you like to do that in private let a few rip - no one hanging around will linger, trust me! Your shit DOES stink.
4) Farting is a whole different ballgame. Farting is okay as long as you don't grunt and sigh after ( only I can do that, and sometimes I do it in cartoon voices). Farting is okay as long as it's more of a "toot" and less "ripping ass". Remember, you are in a PUBLIC restroom... Other people are breathing, too. Unless your goal is clear the room - then all bets are off...sometimes the guy next to you will try to out-blast you. I'll take that challenge!
5) Don't talk. No talking whatsoever! When I go to the bathroom, I just want to take a leak (or "kick a grunt out" ). I don't want to tell you how my day is and I don't care about yours. Saying "Hi" is fine, however. It's a greeting, not a conversation. I was wearing my Phillies cap and some asshat asked me what the "P" was for. Needless to say I thought he meant "Pee". I doubt he'll be talking to people in the bathroom anytime soon.
6) I know this is picky and neat freakish but; Don't trash the place! I don't know what it is with people making a mess in a room that just needs effort to be made to keep it clean. I used to clean men's and ladie's rooms way back in the day and the women's bathroom was always the dirtiest. Ladies, I'm ashamed of you.
7) What is it with pickin' your boogies and leaving them on the wall in front of the urinal? I gotta guy doing this at work on my floor. Oh I will find you Mr. Nasal Graffiti. Just, knock that the hell off man! Paint that picture, some tool takin' a leak and pickin' his nose. This guy stands a good chance of having already bred too. Damn.
8) Look. It's not a restroom ok? There is no couch. No lounge chair. No resting unless you count the moments you sit on the shitter. I'm ok with you saying "I gotta go pinch a loaf", "Take a leak..", "Drop the kids off at the pool.", or my personal favorite,... "I gotta hit the head." No one is less effected by your announcement "I have to use the restroom." We all know you are going to shit. Thank you for the breaking news.
9) Wash your hands! I don't care who you are. Male or female. You could be a hot smokin' piece of ass mid level employee and at some point I'm going to need to borrow your pen, or get some paperwork from you, or possibly need a handjob. I don't want your funky digits covered in filth. There are other reasons, I just can't think of 'em.
10) If you see me carrying the magazine, don't stop me and start a conversation. See the magazine? I intend on reading the whole damn thing. This applies to the days newspaper, the phonebook, the holy bible, or any other thing I'm taking with me... not limited to the gameboy, walkie talkies, or a remote control car. Why is it that most meetings happen right after the second cup of coffee too? You see the quick pace, the tiny footsteps, the look of pain on my face and the magazine or electronics in my hand? Leave me be!Sunday August 20, 2006 - 06:29pm (MDT) Permanent Link - Politics Explained!
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Incase you didn't see my "MAX 2008" page... ( www.maxmurdok.com and look for the g'damn link....) you'd know that I am pretty politically active. OK, that's a complete lie - I loath anything organized, especially politics... hey - at least I admit it...too many loudmouths think they have all the answers, and have figured out all our problems, and yet - they can't get away from their job at wal-mart to run for office... or worse yet, they are already IN office. In order tho to understand politics you really need to know the different forms, its not just Republican or Dummycrat... So for you, the enlightened and the slightly unenlightened ( dim ) I present to you,... Politics explained....should you give a rats ass:
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you. You get water. If you are lucky.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
In the US:
Democrats: Believe we should all pay for supporting the cows, and if another country abuses its cows we should let them - even if they fly planes into our barns.
Republicans: Don't believe two cows should share the same stall.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you and then burn down the barn, rape your wife, or they shoot your cows. Or they rape the cow, shoot the wife.
LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
My world is a swell place. I hope this clears things up for you. Or not.
-maxiFriday August 18, 2006 - 09:10am (MDT) Permanent Link - Rules to live by!
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New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: he's mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop fucking with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass and it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual, you're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called "The Oprah Show"
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.Sunday June 18, 2006 - 05:45am (MDT) Permanent Link - The Adult Survey
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1) Have you ever had a thought during sex/masturbation that just completely killed the whole mood?
I could have sex in a animal testing lab on puppies and kittens with barf in my socks and my grandmother watching and swearing and telling me Im doing it all wrong! ...no thought is too disturbed more me to effect the pipe laying. BUT I have thought of other women if the girl happens to be visually challenged. Hey, I never said I wasnt a bastard!
2) Ever had sex with someone you knew for less than 5 hours?
There for a while I would only have sex with chickas Ive known only briefly. I dont wanna know about your ex, I didn't wanna cuddle, I dont wanna get in tune with your feelings, I dont wanna get to know your folks, I dont wanna take a long walk with you on the beach, I quite frankly wanna pop that pussy to quote 2 Live Crew! I think anyone that claims walks on the beach as something they do thats romantic should be used as chum and thrown to the gdamn sharks. ( Maxi didnt have his coffe yet! )
3) Have you ever been handcuffed in a sexual situation?
Yes. And I liked it only because Trooper Megan not only read me my rights, she read and demonstrated all my wrongs and a few of her own.
4) Have you ever slept with someone that one of your friends had sex with as well?
I lived in a small town. We traded them like baseball cards. Wed even share tips like She likes it when you do.....
5) Have you ever walked in on your parents having sex?
NOPE. The old man stopped banging my mother right after I was adopted....might be why I was adopted. I did walk in the house after my dad had sex...I thought they had hoagies and kept saying Come On, I Smell Hoagies! ...apparently that wasnt a hoagie I was smelling. He broke up with her shortly after.
6) Has a song ever turned you on? If so, what song?
Didnt I just mention 2 Live Crew? ;-) Nahhh - no song in particular turns me on but I do love it when a woman strips to I Touch Myself altho Austin Powers ruined that for me.
7) Have you ever fantasized about your best friend?
My best friend, named MOTHER ( a guy ) is 325 frikken pounds! Even if I was a homo sissy fruit he wouldnt turn me on. However, any girl that Im friends with - my god yes,...Im a guy - thats what we do! ( Watch my MySpace friends number dwindle with that admission! )
8) Have you ever gotten off thinking about something that totally freaked you out afterward?
After singing about the most warped side of humanity in LIVER for 15 years, the lines of freak out and turn on are very VERY blurred.
9) Where is the strangest place you have ever had sex?
I met a girl on a miniature golf course that was on the roof of an arcade in Wildwood NJ around 1989 or so. We went into a little windmill and have every form of natural and unnatural sex imaginable. Then the Simpsons came out with something similar and tainted a great memory for me.
10) Have you ever had sex in someone's house/bed who has no clue?
Um,... so the girl I had sex with had no clue? Id like to think not! Or do you mean,... have I banged girls with no clue....yes! As a matter of fact; dumb girls make great sex partners. You heard it here first folks!
11) Ever had sex in a car?
In - On - Under,...well I have a Jeep,....with a lift.
12) Ever lied to avoid using protection?
See, I love my penis. I love it. I also love fuckin. Its a swell thing. So that said...from day one I have always used protection. Always. Unless in a very very long relationship. My cousin told me, when I was a kid...that some guy dorked some broad and his dick-a-nick ended up lookin like a "babies foot". I have NO idea what the hell that means BUT it put the fear of god in me. SO no, I never lied - Ive always wrapped the mighty jewish viking.
13) Ever shaved/waxed your pubic hair?
I dont wax, for christs sake hahaha - BUT I do occasionally do a little landscaping. Ya know, a lil trim here and there...I want IT to look good when I whoop it out on the web cam, come on! Nothing says lewd act like a well groomed longfella! Certainly a TMI answer aye?
14) Rather give or recieve oral sex?
Im all about the giving. There is something magical about tongue lashing a woman into insanity. Id be happy if I could wear a woman all day,...like a feedbag! ( This is why I dont write romantic poetry. ) I certainly dont mind receiving, but damnit - take it all or wear it all! I had a girlfriend that would make me blow off in a towel....what the hell!?!?! She could of at least used fabric softener!!!! OW! AND, if you are gonna do oral - do freaky, wild, sloppy, loud, messy oral...I wanna hear something that sounds like a greased up tubby girl with tourettes rolling around a room full of jello and balloons with monkies being boiled alive during a wet sponge fight! AMEN!
15) Ever actually masturbated while having cyber sex?
Ive had cyber sex to frikkin lewd banner ads and cartoons, are you kiddin??? Damn that Betty Rubble, and Judy Neutron, and Josie!
16) Had a purely sexual encounter with someone you met online?
Is there another reason to have the internet????
17) When people ask how many partners you've had, you over estimate, or under estimate?
I have an excel spreadsheet with exact facts and figures,...and stats!
18) Is it important to you to know the details of your lover's sexual past?
If they have pictures or video - Id hope theyd share....otherwise no, its their business. Sure, if she wants to be open and honest - great! That being said, I dont want the juicy details on the gang bang in the football players locker room or something.
19) On a scale of 1-10, one being COMPLETELY straight, ten being COMPLETELY gay, where do you think you fall?
0.008
20) Finally, which of these questions embarassed you the most?
Well,....None of em - ok, this one because you spelled embarrassed wrong,...but I was embarrassed for you, not me.
Thank you that is all,....over.
Sunday June 18, 2006 - 05:43am (MDT) Permanent Link
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