THEY call them green-eyed monsters, those afflicted with the jealousy bug, a bug that can strike with the mildest sting, or with awful consequences for the person on the receiving end of the jealous spouse's affections. What causes jealousy? When does it move from jealousy to obsession? What signs should you look for in a potential mate? And is jealousy, even a wee bit, ever OK? This week we explore the issue from all sides, including a story of one man's obsession with the woman he says he loves.

"I'd see red whenever another man looked at her..."
Michael and Kathy have been married for 10 years, but even today, he says he still gets upset whenever he believes she spends too much time in another man's company.

"The day I met her my world turned upside down. She was beautiful, talented, intelligent and she had every man at her beck and call," he tells All Woman. "When we started dating I made it a point of duty to get to the point where she'd marry me. After we got married and even five children later, she is still incredibly beautiful and still gets the same amount of attention from men. And of course, my blood still boils when she even gives a man a fleeting smile."

Michael admits that he may have a problem, and even admits that he has had violent confrontations with his wife because of his jealousy issues.

"We've fought hard. She has left me twice. We've had counselling. She swears that she doesn't think of anyone else the way she thinks of me. But I can't help feeling overwhelmed because she's so beautiful... because I believe she should be mine and no one else's, and because I fear that one day I will lose her to someone else, because she is everything a man could ever want."

Dealing with a jealous spouse
Being involved with an overly jealous romantic partner can be extremely difficult. This behaviour can be irritating and annoying. But if you wish to deal with an overly jealous partner effectively, it helps to understand the nature of their problem.

According to counselling psychologist, Ivret Williams, this behaviour usually comes about because of insecurity, and while it is sometimes OK to be jealous of another, when this feeling becomes one of the need to control, it becomes a problem.

Williams explains that in order to deal with such a spouse, you have to first be aware of what is true or false in the relationship.

"Sometimes you may feel that the person loves you when in fact they really want to control you. Sometimes it's mind control, where he lets you feel his life is nothing without you and that you mean the world to him. He begins to ask simple subtle questions that lead to more serious ones - for example 'What did you do today?' 'Who were you with?' 'Why were you with him?' And he will call 10 times for the day. When the person wants to know every move you make, that is not healthy.

"Relationships are not just about your heart, they are about your head, so ask yourself, 'Yes I love this person but is he good for me?' Love must also be based on intellect," she says.

Williams explains that if the woman is needy or desperate for a relationship, she will not realise the danger of the man's behaviour, but will see it as innocent. It is therefore very important to be aware from the beginning. Awareness includes:

. Spending time getting to know the person before getting involved. If you realise this type of control is not something you will be able to deal with, call it quits.

. "Based on things that he has done, make a list of the pros and cons - for example, he's kind, caring as against angry, abusive. Will he crash the car if he is angry? Then judge on a scale of one to 10 if he is erratic or someone you can actually spend the rest of your life with," Williams suggests.

. If after you have weighed the pros and cons you realise that the relationship is not working, then get counselling or take a break from the relationship for a while.

Early warning signs
"There is none so blind than he who refuses to see." Unfortunately that quote rings true when it comes to relationships. Some women are so carried away with the man of their dreams that they totally ignore all the 'red alerts' which would tell them that the relationship could prove problematic in the future. Red alerts include:

1. He hit you. Where did that come from? You are arguing over something and it gets physical. He is all apologetic, promising you that it will never ever happen again. Do not allow your heart to rule your head, if he did it once, there is every chance he will do it again.

2. He doesn't seem to respect women. Over the time you have been with him, he has a callous attitude when it comes to women; he talks disrespectfully about them even in your presence. You are looking at a man who has no real respect for your gender.think twice about calling him your own.

3. He seems paranoid. There's jealousy and then there's straight out paranoia. If you constantly have to assure him that you are not involved with anyone else and even if you do, he wants all sorts of 'proof' to assure himself that you are not, this is one sure stress you can do without in your life.

4. He has many mood swings. You have to be walking on eggshells around him, as you never know what mood he will be in from one day to the next. One minute he will be all jovial, talking to you and the next he has gone off into a world where no one can reach him. He is a man who definitely has problems - don't set yourself up to be his shrink!

5. He always wants you to himself. For some reason he doesn't want you to have any friends. He constantly complains about you spending too much time with your friends and too little with him - even if you can't tell the last time you spent any quality time with them. No matter how you try to compromise, it is never enough, it's always about his needs. Sister, rest assured, you will never be able to fill them. Don't frustrate yourself trying to do so.

Is jealousy ever OK?

Williams, says jealousy is a part of God's personality and since we are made in His image and likeness, it would therefore mean that we also have some amount of jealousy in us.

"There may be times when it is OK for us to be jealous," Williams said. "Because God himself said he was a jealous God." She points to some occasions when jealousy is considered to be OK.

1. When your spouse is getting involved with someone else. Jealousy can come into play when a person is of the opinion that their spouse is getting too close to someone else. Similarly, the partner becomes jealous when the person has confessed to being with another. When a woman speaks out of jealousy, this may make her man become aware of his feelings towards someone else. "We need to realise that closeness is first emotional then physical. So he might not yet sleep with the person, but they are developing an emotional closeness," Williams said. "The woman may be able to put a stop to it before it gets to the physical closeness."

2. When jealousy means 'I still care about you'.
"Sometimes a man/woman may have 10 other partners and it means nothing to their spouse, simply because the spouse has lost interest. Sometimes if he/she is not jealous then you know that they have lost interest. So jealousy in this case shows some amount of interest and means 'I still care about you'."

Causes of jealousy
Jealousy is known to be a major cause for break-ups, and has led to deep hurt, insecurities and fear in those who have to live with a jealous partner. People usually become jealous when they perceive a threat to their relationship or its quality.

According to consultant psychiatrist Dr Edward Anthony Allen, it stems from some sort of disorder.

"There are people with personality disorders which cause them to become jealous. You have people who have an excessively dependent personality that makes them fearful of losing their partner. Then there are people with borderline personalities. In this case, the person has a deep sense of insecurity and experiences internal chaos, making them feel empty inside and so they tend to be moody and get into a rage quite easily," he said.

In addition to these, he says some jealousy problems stem from delusional or psychotic disorders. Psychotic disorders are what causes a jealous partner to become easily suspicious and project their insecurities quickly. Someone who is delusional suffers from an even worse case of jealousy because they aren't aware that they are doing something wrong.

Jealousy involves a wide range of thoughts, behaviour and emotions. There is pain, anger, grief, humiliation, resentment, self-pity and violence. The partner on the receiving end of the jealous behaviour usually finds themselves feeling nervous all the time, and would question the reason for the abuse meted out to them. Some even blame themselves for their partner's attitude towards them and try their best to offer reassurance that they are not doing anything to put the relationship in jeopardy.

"But he's so nice otherwise..."
In most cases, jealous men are considered to be nice, save for their jealous streak, and so their women remain with them in the hopes that they can change them.

But while noting that a jealous person can change, Dr Allen says it is difficult for their partner alone to change them.

"Where a person shows a weakness, the other partner won't be able to change that person. A person will only change first of all when they have insight, self-awareness, professional help or a religious experience. They have to admit the need for change and become aware that something is wrong with them," he said.

Things that will make any man jealous
Don't be fooled by the macho image that they portray, guys can be extremely insecure at times. It is this insecurity more than anything that will drive them crazy and make them becomes insanely jealous where you are concerned. Some things will bring out the green in his eyes quicker than others. So just to ensure that peace reigns in your relationship, avoid these situations below.

1. You spending time with another man. Just the very thought that his woman has been with another man drives most guys crazy. So even if you are not doing anything with your male pal, the assumption in his mind is that you are.

2. Sprucing up for your girl's night out. He probably won't say anything during the first week of you sprucing up for a girls' night out, but by the second week, his emotions will get the better of him. The fact that you don't dress as sexy when you are hitting the town with him, will have him convinced you're not going for an innocent meeting with your friends.

3. Too much contact with your ex. The ex has always been a force to contend with in any relationship. So although you might convince yourself that the romance between you and your previous love has ended, your current beau might not understand.

Deadly jealousy

Businessman kills wife, self
THIRTY-eight--year-old Sandra Lindo was shot to death by her 51-year-old businessman husband Ainsworth Lindo in 2001. Following numerous domestic disputes, said to have started with Lindo accusing his wife of having an extra-marital affairs, Lindo killed his wife and then himself. He reportedly committed the act one morning when his wife refused to tell him where she was after spending 12 hours away from the matrimonial home. When she refused to answer, he shot her three times in front of his business place and then went into his bedroom and shot himself in the head, police reports said.

Man kills self after stabbing lover
In August 2005; Corey Brown stabbed his one-year old's mother in a fit or rage after accusing her of having an affair with another man. She was eventually rescued by her family members who heard her screaming and came to her rescue. Believing that she was dead, Brown fled the scene and went and hanged himself. Neighbours told police then that the couple had frequent arguments concerning the lady's supposed infidelity and he had threatened to kill her on a number of occasions.

Too-green eyes

THERE are times when you have that niggling doubt that your significant other is cheating, in your eyes all the signs are there and you send yourself crazy thinking about it. However, it might do you good to remember that things are not always what they seem. As confessed by two All Woman readers below.

Janet's story
Nothing could tell me that my boyfriend wasn't cheating on me. With each passing day I noticed the way he was secretive, he would be on the phone and the minute I stepped into the room he ended the call and had this sheepish, guilty look on his face. I decided I wasn't going to confront him about my suspicions but that I would do my own detective work to find out what he was up to. I told him I was working late the next evening and he seemed happy about it. I left work earlier than usual because I wanted to come home and see what he was up to. His parked car in the driveway told me my suspicions were right. I entered the house as quietly as I could and pushed open the bedroom door..he was not in there. Sounds from the kitchen told me he was there with a woman. With fire in my eyes I charged in there ready to lay into him for his infidelity and instead saw him and my sister hard at work.it was then I realised my birthday was coming up! While I was calling my boyfriend every name in the book, there he was working with my sister to surprise me.needless to say I had to fake not feeling well to be home so early!

Ken'sstory
My woman has many male friends and I guess I've always been uncomfortable with that. She assures me that there is nothing to worry about, as I am the only man in her life that she cares about. However, I noticed that she was talking to this male friend more often than usual and my antennae had definitely gone up. Instead of tackling her about my suspicions, I decided I would try to trap her. My trail led me into seeing her having lunch with him, then they both went to his office and finally she got into his car and he took her to his home. Needless to say, I was fuming by this. After he had taken her inside, I gave it a few minutes then walked to the door and knocked. Of course I had no idea what I was going to say, but the way I figured it, I didn't need any, I would be catching them red handed. Anyway, when the door was opened I felt like a real fool, as looking at me with smiles plastered all over their faces was a roomful of children and my girl standing beside her friend. Of course they thought I was the pizza man coming to deliver the meal for them. It's a good thing my girl didn't grill me on how I found them or anything else, she passed it off and acted all cool like she was the one who asked me to stop by, I guess more to save her pride than anything else. But when she got home, whew! I am still making up for that blunder.

The Article makes reference to women being the victim for most part, but let me just say that it affects both males and females.

Article obtained from the Jamaica Observer, All Woman Feature, April 6, 2009

THEY call them green-eyed monsters, those afflicted with the jealousy bug, a bug that can strike with the mildest sting, or with awful consequences for the person on the receiving end of the jealous spouse's affections. What causes jealousy? When does it move from jealousy to obsession? What signs should you look for in a potential mate? And is jealousy, even a wee bit, ever OK? This week we explore the issue from all sides, including a story of one man's obsession with the woman he says he loves.

"I'd see red whenever another man looked at her..."
Michael and Kathy have been married for 10 years, but even today, he says he still gets upset whenever he believes she spends too much time in another man's company.

"The day I met her my world turned upside down. She was beautiful, talented, intelligent and she had every man at her beck and call," he tells All Woman. "When we started dating I made it a point of duty to get to the point where she'd marry me. After we got married and even five children later, she is still incredibly beautiful and still gets the same amount of attention from men. And of course, my blood still boils when she even gives a man a fleeting smile."

Michael admits that he may have a problem, and even admits that he has had violent confrontations with his wife because of his jealousy issues.

"We've fought hard. She has left me twice. We've had counselling. She swears that she doesn't think of anyone else the way she thinks of me. But I can't help feeling overwhelmed because she's so beautiful... because I believe she should be mine and no one else's, and because I fear that one day I will lose her to someone else, because she is everything a man could ever want."

Dealing with a jealous spouse
Being involved with an overly jealous romantic partner can be extremely difficult. This behaviour can be irritating and annoying. But if you wish to deal with an overly jealous partner effectively, it helps to understand the nature of their problem.

According to counselling psychologist, Ivret Williams, this behaviour usually comes about because of insecurity, and while it is sometimes OK to be jealous of another, when this feeling becomes one of the need to control, it becomes a problem.

Williams explains that in order to deal with such a spouse, you have to first be aware of what is true or false in the relationship.

"Sometimes you may feel that the person loves you when in fact they really want to control you. Sometimes it's mind control, where he lets you feel his life is nothing without you and that you mean the world to him. He begins to ask simple subtle questions that lead to more serious ones - for example 'What did you do today?' 'Who were you with?' 'Why were you with him?' And he will call 10 times for the day. When the person wants to know every move you make, that is not healthy.

"Relationships are not just about your heart, they are about your head, so ask yourself, 'Yes I love this person but is he good for me?' Love must also be based on intellect," she says.

Williams explains that if the woman is needy or desperate for a relationship, she will not realise the danger of the man's behaviour, but will see it as innocent. It is therefore very important to be aware from the beginning. Awareness includes:

. Spending time getting to know the person before getting involved. If you realise this type of control is not something you will be able to deal with, call it quits.

. "Based on things that he has done, make a list of the pros and cons - for example, he's kind, caring as against angry, abusive. Will he crash the car if he is angry? Then judge on a scale of one to 10 if he is erratic or someone you can actually spend the rest of your life with," Williams suggests.

. If after you have weighed the pros and cons you realise that the relationship is not working, then get counselling or take a break from the relationship for a while.

Early warning signs
"There is none so blind than he who refuses to see." Unfortunately that quote rings true when it comes to relationships. Some women are so carried away with the man of their dreams that they totally ignore all the 'red alerts' which would tell them that the relationship could prove problematic in the future. Red alerts include:

1. He hit you. Where did that come from? You are arguing over something and it gets physical. He is all apologetic, promising you that it will never ever happen again. Do not allow your heart to rule your head, if he did it once, there is every chance he will do it again.

2. He doesn't seem to respect women. Over the time you have been with him, he has a callous attitude when it comes to women; he talks disrespectfully about them even in your presence. You are looking at a man who has no real respect for your gender.think twice about calling him your own.

3. He seems paranoid. There's jealousy and then there's straight out paranoia. If you constantly have to assure him that you are not involved with anyone else and even if you do, he wants all sorts of 'proof' to assure himself that you are not, this is one sure stress you can do without in your life.

4. He has many mood swings. You have to be walking on eggshells around him, as you never know what mood he will be in from one day to the next. One minute he will be all jovial, talking to you and the next he has gone off into a world where no one can reach him. He is a man who definitely has problems - don't set yourself up to be his shrink!

5. He always wants you to himself. For some reason he doesn't want you to have any friends. He constantly complains about you spending too much time with your friends and too little with him - even if you can't tell the last time you spent any quality time with them. No matter how you try to compromise, it is never enough, it's always about his needs. Sister, rest assured, you will never be able to fill them. Don't frustrate yourself trying to do so.

Is jealousy ever OK?

Williams, says jealousy is a part of God's personality and since we are made in His image and likeness, it would therefore mean that we also have some amount of jealousy in us.

"There may be times when it is OK for us to be jealous," Williams said. "Because God himself said he was a jealous God." She points to some occasions when jealousy is considered to be OK.

1. When your spouse is getting involved with someone else. Jealousy can come into play when a person is of the opinion that their spouse is getting too close to someone else. Similarly, the partner becomes jealous when the person has confessed to being with another. When a woman speaks out of jealousy, this may make her man become aware of his feelings towards someone else. "We need to realise that closeness is first emotional then physical. So he might not yet sleep with the person, but they are developing an emotional closeness," Williams said. "The woman may be able to put a stop to it before it gets to the physical closeness."

2. When jealousy means 'I still care about you'.
"Sometimes a man/woman may have 10 other partners and it means nothing to their spouse, simply because the spouse has lost interest. Sometimes if he/she is not jealous then you know that they have lost interest. So jealousy in this case shows some amount of interest and means 'I still care about you'."

Causes of jealousy
Jealousy is known to be a major cause for break-ups, and has led to deep hurt, insecurities and fear in those who have to live with a jealous partner. People usually become jealous when they perceive a threat to their relationship or its quality.

According to consultant psychiatrist Dr Edward Anthony Allen, it stems from some sort of disorder.

"There are people with personality disorders which cause them to become jealous. You have people who have an excessively dependent personality that makes them fearful of losing their partner. Then there are people with borderline personalities. In this case, the person has a deep sense of insecurity and experiences internal chaos, making them feel empty inside and so they tend to be moody and get into a rage quite easily," he said.

In addition to these, he says some jealousy problems stem from delusional or psychotic disorders. Psychotic disorders are what causes a jealous partner to become easily suspicious and project their insecurities quickly. Someone who is delusional suffers from an even worse case of jealousy because they aren't aware that they are doing something wrong.

Jealousy involves a wide range of thoughts, behaviour and emotions. There is pain, anger, grief, humiliation, resentment, self-pity and violence. The partner on the receiving end of the jealous behaviour usually finds themselves feeling nervous all the time, and would question the reason for the abuse meted out to them. Some even blame themselves for their partner's attitude towards them and try their best to offer reassurance that they are not doing anything to put the relationship in jeopardy.

"But he's so nice otherwise..."
In most cases, jealous men are considered to be nice, save for their jealous streak, and so their women remain with them in the hopes that they can change them.

But while noting that a jealous person can change, Dr Allen says it is difficult for their partner alone to change them.

"Where a person shows a weakness, the other partner won't be able to change that person. A person will only change first of all when they have insight, self-awareness, professional help or a religious experience. They have to admit the need for change and become aware that something is wrong with them," he said.

Things that will make any man jealous
Don't be fooled by the macho image that they portray, guys can be extremely insecure at times. It is this insecurity more than anything that will drive them crazy and make them becomes insanely jealous where you are concerned. Some things will bring out the green in his eyes quicker than others. So just to ensure that peace reigns in your relationship, avoid these situations below.

1. You spending time with another man. Just the very thought that his woman has been with another man drives most guys crazy. So even if you are not doing anything with your male pal, the assumption in his mind is that you are.

2. Sprucing up for your girl's night out. He probably won't say anything during the first week of you sprucing up for a girls' night out, but by the second week, his emotions will get the better of him. The fact that you don't dress as sexy when you are hitting the town with him, will have him convinced you're not going for an innocent meeting with your friends.

3. Too much contact with your ex. The ex has always been a force to contend with in any relationship. So although you might convince yourself that the romance between you and your previous love has ended, your current beau might not understand.

Deadly jealousy

Businessman kills wife, self
THIRTY-eight--year-old Sandra Lindo was shot to death by her 51-year-old businessman husband Ainsworth Lindo in 2001. Following numerous domestic disputes, said to have started with Lindo accusing his wife of having an extra-marital affairs, Lindo killed his wife and then himself. He reportedly committed the act one morning when his wife refused to tell him where she was after spending 12 hours away from the matrimonial home. When she refused to answer, he shot her three times in front of his business place and then went into his bedroom and shot himself in the head, police reports said.

Man kills self after stabbing lover
In August 2005; Corey Brown stabbed his one-year old's mother in a fit or rage after accusing her of having an affair with another man. She was eventually rescued by her family members who heard her screaming and came to her rescue. Believing that she was dead, Brown fled the scene and went and hanged himself. Neighbours told police then that the couple had frequent arguments concerning the lady's supposed infidelity and he had threatened to kill her on a number of occasions.

Too-green eyes

THERE are times when you have that niggling doubt that your significant other is cheating, in your eyes all the signs are there and you send yourself crazy thinking about it. However, it might do you good to remember that things are not always what they seem. As confessed by two All Woman readers below.

Janet's story
Nothing could tell me that my boyfriend wasn't cheating on me. With each passing day I noticed the way he was secretive, he would be on the phone and the minute I stepped into the room he ended the call and had this sheepish, guilty look on his face. I decided I wasn't going to confront him about my suspicions but that I would do my own detective work to find out what he was up to. I told him I was working late the next evening and he seemed happy about it. I left work earlier than usual because I wanted to come home and see what he was up to. His parked car in the driveway told me my suspicions were right. I entered the house as quietly as I could and pushed open the bedroom door..he was not in there. Sounds from the kitchen told me he was there with a woman. With fire in my eyes I charged in there ready to lay into him for his infidelity and instead saw him and my sister hard at work.it was then I realised my birthday was coming up! While I was calling my boyfriend every name in the book, there he was working with my sister to surprise me.needless to say I had to fake not feeling well to be home so early!

Ken'sstory
My woman has many male friends and I guess I've always been uncomfortable with that. She assures me that there is nothing to worry about, as I am the only man in her life that she cares about. However, I noticed that she was talking to this male friend more often than usual and my antennae had definitely gone up. Instead of tackling her about my suspicions, I decided I would try to trap her. My trail led me into seeing her having lunch with him, then they both went to his office and finally she got into his car and he took her to his home. Needless to say, I was fuming by this. After he had taken her inside, I gave it a few minutes then walked to the door and knocked. Of course I had no idea what I was going to say, but the way I figured it, I didn't need any, I would be catching them red handed. Anyway, when the door was opened I felt like a real fool, as looking at me with smiles plastered all over their faces was a roomful of children and my girl standing beside her friend. Of course they thought I was the pizza man coming to deliver the meal for them. It's a good thing my girl didn't grill me on how I found them or anything else, she passed it off and acted all cool like she was the one who asked me to stop by, I guess more to save her pride than anything else. But when she got home, whew! I am still making up for that blunder.

The Article makes reference to women being the victim for most part, but let me just say that it affects both males and females.