The reason I didn’t add any entry here lately is that I’ve filled in all the emptiness within me with someone. It’s not an excuse, just a fact :p

Today’s different; one of those days when I feel like changing myself, becoming a new revision… here’s the story…

Depending on their passion/formation, people tend to translate everything that surrounds them within the enjoyable/known area of knowledge. If such mapping is impossible, then you end up with someone who doesn’t enjoy the actions, the others, who probably gets bored or annoyed quickly. It’s like communicating at every level with someone who doesn’t understand you or even worse, someone that gives you no feedback, it’s like talking to yourself, but you won’t take any credit :)

Oh well, since I have an IT related passion, I see every person as a model; every person follows a pattern which is somehow predictable. That helps me understand and anticipate, prepare myself for the unknown that someone may hide. Everything sounds reasonable so far, but what would I become if I decide to change someone’s path predicted by the pattern? Would I become responsible for that person? Why do I ask myself that? Since a person has made it “that far” in life it means that it’s a pretty stable model which will probably get changed while trying to obtain the desired path. Following the principle of action-reaction, every change (even in good) might do worse at some other level.. so here I’m asking myself: am I even allowed to do so? Maybe this is the reason of all my misfortunes that happened lately, maybe because I’ve been breaking some unwritten laws of the Universe…

The person model gets more and more complicated and robust as constraints are formed between different internal entities. They are created based on experience; at some point in life, one model shouldn’t (better said cannot) be changed anymore. I have to admit that I cannot change how people behave as I please.

For the moment I will stick to the passive part of life’s perception as a model, I won’t try to change the system; I’m too little to do so and I have the feeling is dangerous. I will just gather other patterns and try to expect the unknown. The sum of patterns simply builds my instincts.

It hurts being immature, not knowing how to handle various feelings. I’m so aware of my weakness that it keeps popping into my head every now and then... even in class, even when I take a shower (yeah right you’d think!..) .. but it’s real. I feel like a wise man having no clue how to state his knowledge. Wouldn’t that imply that the assumption is false? I feel so confused…

Every new beginning designs some other ending… in a way. The change crashes differently on each mind, some of us can’t really take it that well because the so called “end” implies present and real and on the other hand, the so called “beginning” involves dreams, uncertainty and faith. The impact of a negative feeling is always stronger.. search me why, I’ve always wondered that but I don’t have the answer… Personally, I’m scarred of the uncertainty more than driving blind.. which involves the same thing I guess.

What do you usually pick? Past or Future? Reality or Dream?

I’m the kind of person who has seen a lot, and by that I mean any kind of situation, product, service... I get impressed really hard… but I think there are a few things that happened lately which carried me from extreme unease to ecstasy. So, in fact, my knowledge in feelings is rather limited, I master only one persistent feeling.. being worry about everybody’s future… but that’s a different story.
I’m not able to suck the pain from the persons I love; maybe is due to my life policy: prevention. I’m worried that this will be the issue within all my future relationships. Apparently it always leads to a dead end.
Last year, I’ve been feeling uncomfortable because I wasn’t there for my girl when I had the “chance”.. but things ‘ve finally cleared: reliable friends. Short version: I’m glad that she made me reach the self-analysis stage.
All this anxiety has ended once 2007 came. Maybe it was just the positive thinking according to my New Year’s resolution or just the moment, a magical one. Suddenly all my senses went wild like an instinctual thirst, a desire of life, breaking the daily pattern which made me thrill. They say that the days that follow the same year will be the same.. but I have the feeling that the quote is just a short bed time story. Anything that is extremely great happens only once in a while, unique, unexpected, although wished every blink of the eye. I’m looking forward to getting to life again.

Happy New Year! and ... make each day an unforgettable part of your life ;-)
I’m off to France soon, glad to bound with all of you.. you’re my sweet little energy pack :-p I promise a striptease party when we’re done with University ;-)

So I put away the fight
Now I'm gonna live my life
Giving you the most in every way