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Last updated Mon Aug 06, 2007 Member since January 2006

I had a great time in Newport Beach, CA. Check out my Flickr photos.--> Click here Reply

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I am happiest when I'm crossdressing. It'd a big part of who I am, as much as I've tried to deny it.

Entry for March 01, 2008
I'm getting ready for my trip. I've been looking forward to it for almost a year now.

As I mentioned in my previous post, it won't be quite as nice as last year. I have much less free time and I can't take an extra suitcase just for Kelly's wardrobe like I did last year. I've been thinking of what I really want/need to bring. I've been thinking and thinking about this for days now. This morning was my chance to pack the suitcase. I selected one old favorite outfit and a few new blouses, slacks and shoes that I purchased just recently. Of course I needed to make room for my foundations, makeup and jewelry--and I can't forget the camera!

I packed Kelly's wardrobe first to see what's left for my normal daytime clothes. Just like a woman, she took up the entire suitcase and begged for more room. In the end we compromised. She got to keep everything she put in the suitcase and nothing more. I managed to pack everything away very carefully with enough room for my daytime clothes too.

I'm rather proud of the packing job, in a geeky sort of way, because I was able to arrange things such that a casual visual inspection of the suitcase won't show any signs of Kelly. That's a big deal when I have a wig, breast forms, hip pads, two pairs of pumps and a pair of boots that most certainly wouldn't be mistaken for anything other than what they are.

This will be an interesting trip. I didn't pack any dresses at all, and only one skirt. For this trip I'm channeling the influence of my dear friend DJ Ms DD.

I'm really excited about the trip. Hopefully by this time next week I'll have pictures to post.

Oh yeah, that reminds me. I'm freaking out a bit because I can't find the special memory card that I use for my portraits. Obviously I had it for the last photo session. I had to put it away someplace special to keep it from falling into the wrong hands. I just can't remember where the heck I put it! I've checked every place I can think of. Unfortunately my last memory of it is that I had it in the pocket of my blue jeans. I know I took it out and put it somewhere, but I can't remember that at all. Or did I forget and leave it in the pocket, only to take a ride in the washing machine. I think that's unlikely. It would have fallen out and I'd have gotten a lot of grief about what I was doing with a memory card in my pocket. Ugh. My brain is failing me again!
Saturday March 1, 2008 - 10:45am (EST) Permanent Link | 0 Comments
Entry for February 27, 2008 - Looking Forward, Looking Back
I'm really looking forward to some quality Kelly time coming up. I'll be attending a work sponsored conference in Newport Beach California next week. As much as I'm looking forward to trading in my cold Philly winter for a little So-Cal change of pace, I'm really looking forward to the opportunity to be me for a little while.

I attended this same conference about this time last year and I had an absolutely fabulous time--and I have the pictures to prove it. That trip was special because it was my first trip to the that area and my wife graciously agreed that it made sense to stretch the trip by an extra day to do a little sight seeing while I was there. That extra day was pure heaven, although I spent most of it in the hotel room with a camera and a few of my favorite garments.

This year I don't have the luxury of that extra day and I'll also be traveling with several close co-workers. Not close enough that they know anything about Kelly though. So it's going to be hard to get away from the group for a little quality personal time. I'm still hopeful that I'll make the time, but it won't be like last year.
Wednesday February 27, 2008 - 09:44pm (EST) Permanent Link | 0 Comments
Entry for February 08, 2008
Entry for February 08, 2008 magnify
One step forward, one step back. I checked in on my sister and she's still okay with my ambigenderism. She doesn't understand the crossdressing thing at all. To her it's just some weird fetish that I need to stop doing. It's hurting my marriage and family so I need to stop. Yeah, if only it were that easy. I think she's open enough that in due time she'll accept that too.

I also found out that her husband knows too. When I first approached her with my story I told her that it was okay for her to share anything I say with her husband--as long as it stays between the two of them. I love and trust both of them. I didn't want to force her to keep my secret from her husband. I may be ruining my marriage, I don't want to ruin theirs too. Well the good news is that he's accepted me as well. Again, he doesn't understand the crossdressing but it's not like he's spent a lifetime thinking about like I have.

I guess the lack of acceptance of the crossdressing is my step backwards. I think the best way to proceed is to discretely show my sister a photograph of Kelly. I want to show her who I am, that I'm not her brother in a dress. Obviously one of my newest pics will work nicely (like the one at the top of the page). I'm quite happy with my current look and I don't mind showing those pics. I don't have any pictures that I'm ashamed of, but some of the earlier ones are closer to her fetishistic interpretation and I'm afraid that they'd send the wrong signal.

I've also had to cancel my planned TG meeting. As much as I need to go, my wife can't handle it. If I have to choose between Kelly and her I have to choose her--but I really want both.
Friday February 8, 2008 - 09:42pm (EST) Permanent Link | 1 Comment
Entry for February 04, 2008
Entry for February 04, 2008 magnify
Today was perhaps the scariest day of my entire life. I came out to my sister today and she still loves me! I've always been really close with my little sister and I've wanted to share my secret with her for many years. Many times I've wondered if she knew. Lord knows I've let slip a few too many clues over the years and she doesn't miss a trick. I have a lot more to say about our conversation, but I don't have time to write it. Perhaps that's good. In a few days I'll check in on her again to see her reaction after the shock has worn off.
Monday February 4, 2008 - 10:22pm (EST) Permanent Link | 1 Comment
Behind the Seams
Behind the Seams magnify
Here is a photo from my latest photo shoot. I haven't posted it to Flickr yet, you you're seeing it first right here. I'll talk about the photo itself in the flickr comments, but I wanted to say a few words about what went on in the days prior to this shoot to make it all happen.

The first thing you may notice about my photos is that it's an entirely new location. If you look at the geotagging on the photos you'll see that I moved a few miles. But that's not what I wanted to talk about either.

You may have noticed that the lighting is better. Well that's because about a year ago now I went out and invested in a good set of studio lights. As you can see, they make all the difference in the world. Kalina Isato had good lighting in her studio for my Awesome Makeover session and that's when it really hit home that I needed to get serious about lighting if I was at all serious about photography. Unfortunately, they sat unused for all that time while I was waiting for a photo shoot to try them out. Actually, that's not true. I actually used them as painter's lights when I was repainting the house. It killed me to use them in this way, but it did two things for me. It allowed me to play with them, and it provided me with a cover story for purchasing them. This way I wouldn't have to hide them. They were simply tools.

I've already mentioned my new wig in my Flickr photos. I hope you like it. Several friends suggested that I try something new and I'm glad they did. I really love it. But, it's not what I set out to purchase. My favorite long straight auburn wig that I've had for about two years now turned up missing once again. I'd already replaced it once when it mysteriously disappeared, and here I had to replace it yet again. I certainly didn't want to have to resort to my ratty old blond wigs, so it was time for a trip to the local wig shop once again. I had every intention of purchasing an exact duplicate for the one I lost. In fact I did just that. I also went ahead and purchased a second wig, the one you see pictured above, at the same time. It wasn't until I started laying out the clothes for this photo session when I found the missing wig. Apparently I really wanted to protect the wig so I carefully wrapped it up in one of my favorite skirts that I'd packed away for the move. With God as my witness, I searched high, low and everywhere in between looking for that wig but apparently I didn't unfold that skirt far enough to find it. So now I have two identical wigs plus a new one. My new replacement is still in the original box. I figured I'd keep it as a spare in case it every gets lost again. But now that I think about it, I might just take it back and see if I can't get one in a lighter shade.

Now the really big thing I wanted to mention was my new waist cincher. You can see it just below my bra. I've really wanted to get a good waist cincher and/or corset for a long time now. I've read enough to know that a good fitting is very important. A lot of the better retailers want detailed measurements to custom fit/make the garment just for me. Even if I could take the proper measurements, ordering it online and having it shipped to the house would be problematic. So I decided to make one myself. I had three nights to do it.

I've had this dream of making one for a long time now. A few years back I whipped up something simple out of some good strong denim from an old pair of jeans. It allowed me to practice with the sewing machine and demonstrate beyond a doubt the necessity of getting the measurements just right. This stuff doesn't stretch, so it has to fit right.

I read online a few articles on making your own corset. One site suggested wearing a tight t-shirt and wrapping one's self in layer after layer of duct tape to get the right shape. It felt absolutely wonderful as I was wrapping myself one wrap at a time. I'd never experienced the wonderful feeling of being laced tightly and it was simply marvelous. I felt my posture improving and an ever increasing feeling of support. It was quite intoxicating. I wrapped myself tighter than I ever thought possible and I loved every second. Now I was also trying to be very careful to take it slow and conserve my energy. The last thing I wanted to do was black out from a lack of oxygen. More than that, I was afraid that if I couldn't get enough air that I'd start to panic and there was simply now way I could cut this think off of me quickly, especially if my chest was heaving with gasping breaths.

Once fully wrapped, I did indulge myself for a moment and walked around a bit taking in the wonderful feeling. The next step was to make a cut down the front and peel the duct tape template off my body. I could clearly see that I'd captured the curves that I so desperately wanted. In order to transfer those curves to flat sheets of fabric I needed to make a few more vertical cuts into my template. I cut the template into eight equal strips a few inches wide. It was a trade-off between how accurately I wanted to capture the shape and how many seams I wanted to sew. Before cutting, I did one thing that really simplified things later on. I marked and numbered every cut line. I'd mark cut #4 with 4L and 4R just on either side of the line. I also marked each template with a number. Between the two numbering schemes I wasn't going to have to worry about getting them mixed up once everything was cut apart. With the templates fully marked and cut, I called it quits for the night.

For the cincher itself, I bought a few yards of heavy black satin material. I used two layers to double the strength and to make sure I had a nice smooth finish inside and out. I simply folded the satin with the back sides together and laid out each template on top. I would have cut out the material the first night, but I quickly discovered that my old scissors were too dull to do a decent job of it. I'd have to run out to buy a new pair the next day. It was a good stopping point anyway.

Any seamstress will tell you that the next part is critical. I laid out the template with a 3/8" seam allowance all around the template. Originally I tried to skip this part and simply trace the outine of the template itself leaving plenty of spare all around for the allowance. That would have been fine, but when it came time to sew the pieces together it was much easier to line up precisely cut fabric edges, than it was to estimate where the sew lines were and match everything up. Don't forget I was sewing four layers (two per template) at a time. I made one seam the hard way then I went back and cut the pieces properly.

I nearly forgot to mention, there was one place that I needed to extend the template. I knew that I wanted to add extra material in the back to allow me to open up the garment about 6" from the fully-closed position. I also knew that I'd need to have some extra material where I could attach the metal grommets on both sides. I decided to add an extra 10" just to be safe. This would give me my 6" opening and 2" per side to make folds for the grommets. I really wanted to be generous here. Better to have too much fabric than not enough.

The way I laid out the fabric, I never cut the back two pieces apart. I simply added the 10" of extra material between them and cut them out as one large piece that I sewed to the other ones. For each seam, I ran a single stitch down the seam line, and then with both seam allowances pressed to one side I ran a second stitch right along the edge to give me greater strength. Actually the front seam was different. I knew that I wanted to insert a zipper here so I simply basted a quick stitch down the front to hold the two parts together until I put the zipper in. This is when I discovered that the zipper I purchased wouldn't work at all. It was meant for pants or a skirt where the bottom of the zipper always stayed closed. I needed one meant for a jacket or something where the two halves completely separated. Oh well, it was a good place to stop for the night anyway.

On the third day I bought a good heavy zipper, it was a bit bulkier than I'd have liked but with that much force against it I didn't want to skimp. While at the fabric store I noticed a pack of 2" wide black satin trim probably meant as the border on a childs pillow. The border would be perfect for finishing the top and bottom of the cincher. With the materials in hand I had everything I needed to finish the cincher. With a closed seam I placed the zipper behind the seam and carefully stitched the zipper in place. Again I made sure to run two full passes on each side for strength. With the zipper in place, I ripped out the basting seam and watched the cincher open and close for the first time.

As added protection for the zipper I recycled something from an old long-line bra. The bra had a front closure with a series of hooks and eyes running up and down the front and this is what I recycled. It wasn't quite as long as I'd have liked but at least it would take some of the stress off of the zipper. To attach it, I simply closed the zipper, closed the hooks and eyes, and ran a pair of seams down both sides to sew it firmly in place.

A few quick passes on the top and bottom of the cincher and the satin border was in place. It really gave a nice finished appearance too. Once again it only added to the strength--always a plus. The last thing was to attach the all important grommets for the lacing. Here is where a previous project came to my aid.

Way back before I'd made the original denim cincher, I tried using a long-line bra as a cincher. I took some nice sturdy belt cording and ran a row of grommets down the length about 1" appart. All I had to do was to sew two strips of this stuff to the back of the long-line bra and ta-da I had a make-shift corset. Unfortunately the bra had too much stretch in the material and it just didn't work very well. But fortunately I was able to reuse the grommetized cording for my new cincher. I simply cut it out of the old bra/corset contraption and sewed it into the cincher. It worked perfectly. At long last I was able to lace the cincher and check it out.

Now completed, I was thrilled to see that it fit perfectly. It was a struggle to cinch it up tight enough to fully close it, but that's just what I wanted. I couldn't be happier with how it turned out.
Wednesday January 30, 2008 - 05:34pm (EST) Permanent Link | 2 Comments

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