I don't make a lot of friends. I think that the cycles of shows, seasons and semesters introduce me to a lot of people and I have plenty of short intense relationships. However, I have found that in my life that I have some friends who refuse to let me go away or move on to the next cycle. Fiona is one of those friends.
She's Italian in every way. She calls me "dahling", brings this liqueur called grappa (?) for me from Italy after vacation; sentimental, loud, sexy, funny and she is one of the very few people that can make me laugh out loud. Now she has gotten her green card and worked (her ass off) to be full-time faculty in our school.
I'm 51, she's 44. We are both single. Some students think it's the obvious choice that we'd get together, some have even told us so or tried to play matchmaker. I am comfortable saying that there has never been anything between us beyond friendship. Over the past eight years that she's been on this campus I've seen her go through boyfriends and lovers and flings. I've been there for her when it falls apart. She looks after me too but in a goofy way - she'll buy tickets to the Hollywood Bowl and tell me we are attending or make me come to her house for a dinner party. She's never let me go, even when she's in Italy she'll send me a card. Last year she was in Austria because one of her video pieces was in a festival and she called me!
The other night after a show, she says, "darling, will you be in your office later?" She asks; so I'll be there. Eventually we meet and she suggests the local bar and I don't want to because I want to get home. However I do have beers in my fridge in the office (it IS a private art school) and we grab beers and go outside to sit on a bench. My guess was she needed me for some struggle in her life but we mostly just sat there bitching about our jobs (we do love to do this!). At one point she said, "Thank God for you!" because I am her friend. Eventually I ask her about her love life and she says she has none. After years of seeing her run through many lovers and loves, I was surprised there was nothing in the works. I pressed a little and she told me she had given up. She lives alone and is "too busy." I said, "Fi, you can't live life this way - don't let your job and your art-making keep you from having a life." Eventually we walked all over the parking lot because I couldn't find my car, we laughed because the last time she walked me to my car I couldn't find it then either.
She is an amazing, talented and passionate woman. Fiona works so hard for her classes and has had her videos in festivals all over the world. She is succeeding in every way. Yet, she's given up on love. She never said why she wanted to visit with me that night but I think it was to tell me that. My crazy Italian friend who is loud and funny, passionate and caring, cries at the most surprising things, wears denim skirts and fishnet stockings, who drinks like a dock worker, carries at least three bags of junk home every night and is beautiful, sexy, warm and lovely has given up on love. I don't know whether to say, "good for you" or "there is always hope" but it's sad to me. I wish I knew what to say to her.