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I discuss alot of crime goings ons. I talk about relationships with people and my family and kids. TV and blogging here

Letter to my Sweet Baby Girl: I remember the moments when you would look at me, those big blue eyes shining so innocently, so sweet, so full of love and so unsure of the world around you. I remember your earliest tears, how I just wanted to keep you as close to me as I could and rock those tears away. I remember those first steps how you smiled so proud of such an accomplishment and than for the first time proudly letting go of everything and stepping for the first time into my arms. So proud so sweet and innocent. I turn you around and you walk towards daddy he looks as proud of you as you are of yourself. It's so exciting to us that you have to keep doing it walking from one thing to another clapping when you get there and giggling at us giggling. Those big beautiful blue eyes I remember thinking I have such a beautiful little girl. Soon you were off to school, making friends becoming independant. I do it mummy, I do it. Already you were growing independant wanting to do things for yourself, my little girl so fiercly independant always taking the long way because you wouldn't do it my way. Wasn't long you were talking about boys, I had to remind myself you were getting older, wow boys I can do this. With booys came more need for independance. My babies are so growing up. Sometimes though baby girl I look and what I see is the baby you were and my heart aches. I want to still be like the days we would spend at the park, I want to be needed, I want to fix it or make your hurts all go away. I want to protect you from the pain I know you'll go through, the lessons your going to suffer through, and your so like I was, I don't want you to be who I was. Your too beautiful and smart, I want you to be who I dreamn't for you to be. Your are headstrong, beautiful, loving, smart, articulate, you could go so far Please don't follow the path I did, I've done so much to try and keep you all from that path, it terrifies me to even think of you on that path, the other path is clear take it please. I love you my sweet big beautiful, intelligent baby girl. I may not be the best mom but I work very hard to be the best mom I can with the faculties I have and I will always love you and your siblings regardless of anything, ANYTHING!

I love you baby girl and I am always here, ALWAYS...

Tags: daughters

Tuesday October 7, 2008 - 07:01pm (PDT) Permanent Link | 0 Comments
HEY OJ Congrats on your guilty verdict:):):):): Come on now di he even have any chance at all of not coming out of this trial without being guilty? This was like angry sex trial, like I am so gonna get you back you mother.....Everyone wanted him to suffer and he was not gonna screw america twice we all knew it world wide! He could have stolen a lollipop from a baby and gave it back ha in Jail you bastard! If I Did It... Are you kidding me OJ??? Are you really that stupid? You really think writing that book wasn't gonna get you screwed? Your ass is gonna be slammed so bad. You had no chance in the court this time, your name was all the jurors needed to say guilty. You were tried in the court of public opinion it really didn't matter if you killed Nicole or not public opinion says your black ass did it so now your going to jail bye bye OJ hope you enjoyed your freedom while you had it:) The Goldmans finally got you sentenced wow how did that happen huh?I guess you have lots of time to think about that where your going...For the record I was one of the few who actually believed OJ may not have been guilty that the facts may look like he could have doesn't mean the puzzle pieces fit, but that book If I did it that disgusted me

Tags: ojsimpson

Tuesday October 7, 2008 - 06:59pm (PDT) Permanent Link | 0 Comments
The Games People Play & On To Other Things...: If this does not completly copy come to my facebook to read the rest at:

facebook my profile is Angela MacRae http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=512194816

You know what I hate? I hate the games others play with others deeper personal emotions. They work on you assuring you can trust them and if that doesn't work, they get you when your vulnerable, say like when your drunk or maybe high on painkillers and are not able to think clearly. Acting like they care and you can trust them. But quickly afterwards you find out it was all a game, like the games you had in highschool. Do you remember how when you and your boyfriend would be so cutsie wootsie and so much more emotional when their friends weren't around but soon as their friends were around they'd be all hey baby like what the hell go find your friends I'm busy right now like get a life whatever...Yeah they just perfect that game as adults. They don't need their friends around to do it. Now with the net you can get dumped even easier you don't even get dumped you look on your profile and suddenly they are not there anymore and your all like wtf? Or you sned them text message and they are all like leave me alone. WTF? Girls do it too, actually some girls can be worse then men. I think it hurts when you have been single a good long while didn't want to lay trust in anyone and some dumb fuck decides to take it as a challenge only to say ha I win dudes she's used goods now. Like why do guys do that shit why do they enjoy causing that kind of pain? I honestly don't think I have ever done that and I would never do that. All of my relationships have been long term and I believe I truly loved each of them deeply. I care about peoples feelings and If I hurt them it leaves me feeling shitty unless I hurt them verbally which I know was always done out of pain as I have always done so out of my pain of being attacked about me, my kids or those I love. I do try to get away from the situation now before I say something I regret.
I have to say I don't regret anyone I have been with I may not like the way it happened or the way it ended but something in me cared for them at the time. I have to say the most recent makes me laugh another Mike I think I need to keep away from Mikes they all end badly not like horrible badly just badly in different ways. A few of us think this recent Mike may not have been telling the whole truth about his situation. My daughter thinks I should tell his friends and write it on his wall and just completely out him. but no I'm fine with it. Everything happens for a reason, although I can be vengeful just really don't care I feel karma has him marked anyhow. Funny my daughter reminds me so much of the old me I hate it. Bothers me alot, I keep wishing she would take what I learned and that I changed and go with that but instead she is repeating my old behaviour and when I talk to her about it she says how does it feel to watch it happening like I did? Like a punch in the gut. I just tell her don't do it for the many years I did. What bothers me too is I spent time one night talking to her bf and she was mad when she finally came home, she told me she is not a little girl anymore that I can't fix everything. I wanted to cry. I want to help, I want to fix, it's hard just to listen o her and her bf work it out alone. I always thought when my kids were teens it would be so much fun, however my son he has actually said sometimes you need a stern parent not a friend. That's hard. I had hardass dad really hardass military hardass and I don't want to be like that. Teens are very hard to raise. I keep thinking my 2 oldest are almost adults. My psychiatrist has said I am already going through empty-nest syndrome. Everytime they talk about moving out on their own I just cry and panic I feel like their leaving me. I know it's inevitable. But it's hard for me to deal with.

UPDATE: I HAVE TO WRITE THIS BECAUSE MIKE WAS A MAN HE STOOD UP HE TOOK WHAT HE DID AND HE ACTUALLY APOLOGIZED! So apparently there is guys out there who even though can do lousy acts can still be sweet but confused. Things happened that just went too fast and I think both of us got hurt or at the very least confused. I have to say thankyou Mike for apologizing and standing up and being honest although it took some words and a little ache it means the world to me that my trust was not misguided in the end you stood up to some big things that most wouldn't that will always mean alot to me. I'm glad we can remain friends, I only wish more men were like you *hugs*

So I swear to God lately service seems to be bad everywhere we go lately. We went to thrifty foods at admirals walk a few days ago and we wanted 3 egg sandwhiches and they said they were just finishing making it up. So we went and got drinks and came back. They were acting very confused. Eventually they figured out where the egg mix was and then where the bread was. Then omg were all confused about items to put on the sandwhiches got them all wrong, but we were in a hurry and weren't in the mood to try and get them to do it right. We were so frustrated. Just grabbed them and went to pay for them. Must have been a bad day cause there too we had issues with the lady at the till. A customer was trying to find out if there was money on her gift cards so she could reload them and the lady at the till looked like could not figure out what she wanted and finally figured out how to check them then was unsure how to reload them, finally she got it done and we were rung through we were in there entirely way too long!

I'm on the lookout for more victoria frances posters. I totally love her work. It would be awesome if the clothes that she puts on the ladies in her work were buyable. I love the dresses I would love to wear them. One thing people do notice when they come to my place is my love of vampires but they don't realize yes I love vampires but if you look at all the posters although their vampires they are victoria frances.

If you are a pet owner cat or dog buy them GREENIES I have no idea what the hell is in these treat but my cats go crazy for the chicken ones. I am not kidding, there is something about these treats that drives them crazy. My cat CASPER when I got a trial treat for them came down stairs into the livingroom climbed up onto the table and right to the GREENIES. My cats have only ever done something like that with catnip. For dogs they even have cookies.. For a free sample go to http://www.greenies.com they even have ones you can put their pills in if they have to take medication. I never have advocated anything for animals before but these treats are amazing and they help clean their teeth.

So we've been trying those thinsations we like the oreo ones the best and there is lots the commercial is not kidding when they say there is lots, there certainly are. I also like the peek freans shortcake ones.
I also love the Quaker granola crunchers the chocolate flavour only 90 calouries for a package. we've tried the Quaker Crispy delights also 90 calories a pkg chocolaty drizzle & vanilla drizzle we didn't like either they tasted like styrofoam

We always have the lean quisine lasagna we love although when they changed it up we were not impressed but go5t used to it. Lately we tried Stouffer's lasagna and metballs didn't go over so well. However we tried Roast turkey OMFG it was actually way beyond what we expected, so we bought the big version-SO NOT WORTH IT. all it add is green beans and YUCKO they went in the garbage, we won't be buying the large version again!
Mary tried the new OhHenry cookies and didn't take more than 2 bites she thought they were disgusting.
I recently found Tropical Orange Smoothie Flavour Bacardi Breezer OMG it is so good if you like orange creamsicles you would love this it's like mega awesome:)
My new laundry soap is Gain Soothing Sensations Lavender Lilac Moment Goes really well with my Bounce Lavender febreeze OMG when I washed my bedding in it for the first time, I could smell it soon as I walked in my room. I LOVE LAVENDER! I love Lilacs as well. Mary says she is sick of lavendar I buy Febreeze in as many products as I can because they now have it in lavender. The products I use because of the lavender febreeze contained in it is: Mr.Clean magic eraser, Mr. clean cleaner, febreeze spray, bounce, swiffer. I would like to see it in dishsoap. I would love Lavender products for body and hair that are straight strong lavender, body spray as well. It is a natural relaxant for me:)

We bought the stick up bulb it runs on batteries, mine did not work. Mary's is already dead. It comes with 2 tiny bulbs. My suggestion would be don't buy it!

Also scrubbing bulbs recently came out with that device to pop a sticker in your toilet to clean your toilet everyday and to never have to throw it out it just fades away on it's own. Yeah ok. We bought it. It's not a stick it's goo, seriously goo. Trying to think how to compare it, kinda like slime a thick sline. It all sits in this plastic tube for just over $4. You move the thing up kinda like a syringe so it alots the first part of the goo and the goo sits in your toilet. It's green goo. It's about the size of a canadian twoonie. We haven't seen it clean shit. So it's lookin so far like it's $4 to have goo dissolve in our toilet:)

Mary was having mega pain in her right side, we took her to the clinic and they immedietly sent her to the hospital. The nurse told her they would run blood tests get her on an IV. However once the dr came he was really nasty to her, very dismissive. He didn't seem to give two shits about her. Sent her home telling her that it's probably a cyst that is rupturing in her ovary and to take some tylenol and deal with it. Oh I was pissed, but he wasn't listening to me either. Damn it I hate some dr's. She should of at least had an ultrasound to make sure that's what it was!

I saw my dr a few days ago she is running more blood tests she cannot figure out what is going on with me and if the blood tests come back inconclusive again she sending me to an internist. I am not sure what an internist does but if they can figure out what the hell is going on I guess that's what I have to do. I am so tired of going to dr's though:( My dr is like why can't you have something simple wrong. I was like I know I hate it. I just want someone anyone to figure this shit out. I am so tired of passing out for no reason and eating salt to hell and the pain in my muscles and joints is getting more and more unbearable at times. She's doing a test on my calcium level. I told her whatever I drink so much milk it's not funny I can drink 4 litres in 2 days sometimes 1 day and she said that does not mean my body is taking it in. Are you serious?

Oh this is funny: These two guys were parked at the lights down by mayfair mall and all of a sudden this guy threw a fresh cigarette out his window and his friend is yelling and I tell my kid pick it up she won't tell her friend to pick up she doesn't so I go pick it up and throw it back in the trusk *lmfao* The guy had udder shock on his face and didn't know what the hell just happened and everyone is laughing. I had to run and catch the bus and he threw it back out the window lol~so bud if your out there or any of your friends I'm the crazy bitch who threw the cigarette back into the truck lol on douglas street at the lights by mayfair mall.

Another thing I told my daughter I would blog about We were on the bus coming home, both of us had alot of bags to carry so she was on one seat with all her bags and I sat behind her with all my bags. Then some fricken lady got on and she told Mary to move she was sitting there. I couldn't believe Mary listened that was one time that lady was in the wrong there were a bunch of seats open there was so no need to be fricken runde. What the hell is wrong with people?

I love this new show the dr's. I just heard in the state of alabama you have to pay an extra 35 dollars on your insurance if you are overweight a year. That is discriminatory. I think that is a crock if you ask me.

So my house is a little busy right now, Mary's BF is living here until he gets into youth housing. His sister & Mary's friend Maryiln is also here for a couple of weeks until she moves to be with her parents in Port. Her BF has been spending some time here Russell he's a good kid very easy to get along with makes me laugh. I guess he'll be 17 this week. His brother Clarence is up visiting for a few days 18 I believe.
DJ got a job throwing Whak a Ball at the mall I bought 3 egg balls. I believe he is also doing a volunteer job, been attending pre grad parties already and keeping up with school. I'm a little worried he's going to get burnt out. Doing too much. I want this year to be as much fun as possible grad year so much stuff he can get involved with, but I don't want him to do so much he burns out. He's already gotten sick, he only seems to get sick when he overdoes things, so...

I talked to the kids grandma today cause I am PISSED their trying to get Sarah diagnosed as ADHD she does not have any of the AD.... She's been tested I told them she didn't have the pediatrician agreed with me. She has no short term memory which can mock some behaviours, but she's not AD.... I swear to God I am getting tired of Heidi trying to make Sarah be sick, Sarah is a very healthy child. Slow because of he developmental disabilities, her short term memory loss, anemia but otherwise nothing else is wrong with her, GOD IT IS MAKING ME SO ANGRY!! Breathe breathe breathe....

Ok I am going to go now that I am wound up...

Tuesday October 7, 2008 - 06:56pm (PDT) Permanent Link | 0 Comments
Maybe A New beginning? Writing About Binging..: Here I float between the present and the past. somewhere between darkness and light. Is that light ahead or another path of torture disguised as delight? Why do I hold onto the pain so much easier than the happiest times? I have really worked through the last train wreck, i know it wasn't me, I mean there was part of me I stayed I chose to let it go one but I did finally find the courage within to say no more get out. I have never regretted it. The kids really are better for it. But no one forgets 4 yrs of your life. Like I told him recently I don't hate him I hate the sick crap he did! So anyhow..
...Lately I somehow found myself on another path and out of the blue I found giggles and laughter. I found intriguement I thought I had lost. What could this mean? I am trying not to get excited, I always get let down when I get excited. But my whole self being is being reawoken and I don't know I thought I was ready before but Suddenly I think nope NOW I REALLY AM READY.
So it's kinda scary cause uhm parts of me are waking up I forgot I had lol. Part of me wants to shut back down. It's kinda that fight or flight response.
I had an RNY and I wrote something the other day. I would like to write here, actually try to remember it here:
There you are my friend, the friend who is always there for my scary moments, my upset moments, my really happy moments. No one can do what you do. Oh you small so good and the textures you provide are so wonderful. Pure aromatherapy. I can cry and share you with me and no one will laugh or tell me to deal with it. what you bring to me can not be matched by anything else. No one has to know. Behind those closed doors it's just us. As I swallow another bag of chips and the milk goes down so well. Another jos luis oh yes. *tears* you are my true friends you never let me down. Oh the salty fries the glide down so well. Oh I am feeling so fat right now, oh here it comes porcelin bowl my other friend we're on our way and up it comes over and over, the sweats, the rapid heartbeat the tears, sometimes even passing out right there. Make sure that toothbrush is right there to help that last bit come up. Until the next binge my friends.... This was my life until I had the RNY and was actually hosptal while pregnant with my 3rd child as i managed to loose 60lbs doing this, I was angry as they weighed me everyday. I have to admit I have done it a few times since my rny but I get dumping with my rny and when I have binged it makes me sick almost right away so a binge to me wouldn't really count to most people but I feel still shameful!
unfortunately my parents made food a huge issue for us and I think about food 24/7 and thus it's dribbled down to my kids. My oldest he thinks about food but I think he's pretty healthy, my middle child is too skinny she is trying to ain lbs with protien and my youngest hoardes food , I worry about her alot.
My dad used to tell me I was going to look like my mom the whole time I grew up. It deeply affected me.

So anyhow yeah life is kinda changing for me right now, I think I might be moving towards something that could be making me happy:)

Friday September 19, 2008 - 12:24pm (PDT) Permanent Link | 0 Comments
What's In Your Heart & Why Aren't I Running?: Imagine for a moment that your heart was like a big locket that I could snap open and look into, now imagine I took it and looked inside what would I find within your locked walls?
Would I find feathers and rainbows, a place that is like a window opened up waiting for a soul to share what's in their heart to make both complete? Soft music that lulled you both towards one another and as I closed the locket we are one within it dancing like we were always meant to be?
Or would I find a darkened heart that has brinck walls, a dark path filled with lightening storms and rain that led me down a darkned forest that could lead me to a dead end and a place I could drown in?
Maybe it's that heart that at first looks warm and fuzzy but then a wild animal comes out from no where and attacks me and I barely crawl out from the locket taking all I have to close it up.
dare I try to look into each locked heart? I have looked into some dark places before what if the next one burns me alive? What's in your locked up heart? Your heart looks shiny and sweet on the outside dare I believe it is a show of what's to come on the inside? Dare I peek on the inside? My head is rushing, my fingers trembling, you have stepped into the ring, you have my intrigue. You have got this scorpio intrigued. My eyes are huge and my stinger is ready to sting, Like an unsure cat just before another strikes it I am there... dare I get closer dare I try. So many thoughts run through my head. Part of me wants to turn and run, so why aren't I? what is it about you that has my attention and what is it about you that is keeping me here? You already make me smile, you make me laugh, and that special feeling could be a ploy, I should run, so why aren't? What's in your locked heart? caution I must use caution...

Tags: relationships

Monday September 15, 2008 - 02:35pm (PDT) Permanent Link | 0 Comments