Well,

Its been nearly 2 years since I stepped foot in my current job, and unfortunately were just adivsed that there is a 2 year maximum term as a contract employee and with the current economic conditions chances of me being converted in the next three weeks are not likely so I'm hitting the job trail again as of last night.

Its always spooky having to do so, especially as one gets older and older, here I am 40 years old and starting all over again in alot of ways.

This job has been very good for me. I've built my confidence around some of my abilities, and I've identified some areas that I need to work on for my next position. I can't believe the number of people that have expressed how much they are going to miss me, etc. I've never had that happen, it makes me feel good.

This was also the first job that I was openly out about being transgender. I've enjoyed nothing but support from management and co-workers around that issue, and I'm currently wondering if/when is the correct time to bring up such a thing in my next position. Who knows, I guess I'll just keep my eyes open and when the time is right I'll know.

For now I think I'm changing my career path. For the better part of 11 years I've been working in the support/call center environment. This job showed me not only CAN i do development work, but that I actively enjoy it. I'm hoping I can land something in that area, because I think I will be much more fulfilled in such a role than I am in the support environment.

Wish me luck, it may be a bumpy ride :)

Stephanie

Its funny how just the other day I made the same comment to someone about how the internet had so changed the world that its hard to think of a world without it.

The internet for me has been a social outlet, a learning opportunity, a work opportunity, and a personal growth tool. I can't remember how many times I've googled up some strange obscure interest of mine that I've thought I could be the only one interested in, only to find page after page after page on the very thing I am interested in. Often times, I've found myself 'ashamed' on some level to even talk about my interests. I don't know why, I mean its nothing abnormal after all, road construction, especially images and information on old abandoned roads is one such thing that I was interested in would never say a word about being interested in, and found others did the same thing. I guess ashamed is not the right word, and yet I was worried what othesrs would think of me if they knew that I was interested in strange things like that, so doesn't that mean shame?

So anyhow I've rambled longer than I intended before I got to my topic. Last night, in some random web searching I ran across some links to a you tube interview of TJ Parsell. TJ apparently wrote a book about his own experiences behind bars, as it relates to inmate rape.

Those who know me well, know that I did my own bit of time in a California State Prison from 1990-1992. Its the place I began my transition to living as the woman I live as today. Its also the place where I had experienced that I saw haunting echos of in TJ's interviews.

I spent the rest of the evening listening to everything I could find by him and reading stuff. Eventually I reached out to him in an email thanking him for writing his story and commending him on his courage. I don't think all these years later that I've ever really talked to family or friends about my experiences behind bars. Its something I wanted to leave behind me, and something I was sure I was over. To say a surge of emotions and old thoughts came back last night would be an understatement.

Suddenly in the span of an evening I no longer feel alone. I realize the struggles, the thoughts, and the feelings I've carried with me all these many years in my own silence have been mirrored with another. This is the true beauty of fellowship and of sharing, and is the beginning of the process of healing. I'd be lying if I said I don't still harbor alot of feelings around things that happened to me in prison, and I sometimes wonder if I'll ever completely be able to talk to others about it. Most of the time when I'm asked I tend to clam up and discount things as being 'not that bad', all the while my own inner voices scream at me about it, and wonder why I remain silent.

It takes a remarkable person to stand up, to share their story, especially around a subject such as this. Neve understimate the power of sharing, of letting another see your light, and your pain. You may change a life, you may save that life, but whatever you do, YOU will be all the more free for doing so, from the chains we keep around ourselves.

Stephanie

I wrote earlier today so I'm suprised that I find myself writing again. I guess I didn't get it all out to begin with, who knows.

I've continued through the day reading blogs, news articles, etc. I've slowly absorbed the huge shift in power that happened this year as part of me still cries for those who woke up a bit less 'american' today than they were a day ago.

I called my brother this morning. He was one of the lucky few who was able to marry his partner in California this year. Today their relationship remains uncertainly. Certainly they personally will remain together, but what about the state recognition of that. Who knows. I had hoped that California, would be the state to stand up to this test and move forward. The battle is lost, but the war will continue. We will not surrender so easily.

As many have pointed out, we won on some levels. Democrats took office all over the place, and in some cases long term republican incumbants have been removed from office. The work begins now. Educate, Advocate, Teach. Push for what is right. Continue to march on for justice even though we may find ourselves weary, lost, or want to surrender. Change does not happen over night they say, but last night it did. Lets keep the ball rolling

I watched the election results come in last night with both happiness
and sadness. I was glad to see the tide of democratic elections
that definately seemed to overtake a vast majority of the nation.
At the same time, 3 anti gay ballots have definately passed, and one
hangs in the balance but looks poised to pass.

Adding to the list of states where a same sex couple cannot be married
we have Florida, and Arizona. We have arkansas adding a ban on
adoptions by unmarried individuals (which was their way of dealing
with a lifting of a ban against gay adoptions since you can't be
married there same sex), and California hangs in the balance a mere
400,000 votes would put the amendment in the no column, but it looks
likely that number will not happen.

I spent the evening watching the news, and reading some live blogs as
people talked about this historic election. After 8 years of a
Repulican in the white house we have a democrat again, and for the
first time in the history of this nation, an African American. I'm
proud of my country for being able to see past the race and do what is
right. Race should never be a barrier to who a person is or what
they can achieve, and yet all too often it is.

I've heard several predict that he will be shot, etc. This country
does indeed still have alot of racisim within it, and alot of healing
to do. It is my hope that Baracks win will go some towards helping
heal that rift.

As I listened to my brothers and sisters in california begging folks
to call anyone we knew to tell them to go vote NO on Prop 8 last
night. The polls had slowed down. Barack's win was all but assured
and it seeems that the tide of votors to cast their voice slowed down
as a result. I heard people crying out about how they felt
betrayed. How they had worked so hard to help ensure the democratic
wins, and yet here people where voting against who they were, and
where was their support.

My mind drifted in these moments to my own lost fight in this past
year. ENDA on a federal live. While yes, there were many GLB
voices that raised with the T voice to say that we should leave nobody
behind, I also heard voices that talked about comming back for me, and
that any win is a better case. I felt those same feelings in that
hour. Why was I being abandoned, had I not stood in solidarity with
my GLB brothers in sisters in all their fights? Why was I suddenly
the paraiah that it was safe to leave behind to advance their own fight.

I'm saddened that in this country, where we talk about "The American
Dream." Where we say that all are welcome to live up to their own
potential, and that we all have the freedom to be who we are, that
there are still those who wold hold others back, whether it be because
of their race, gender, sexual orientaition, or gender identity. That
there are those who would use their own personal religious
convicitions to truly harm others, when this very country was founded
on the idea of religious liberty and separation from the politicial
system.

I hope as the day unfolds that I see the tide change and the numbers
turn for Propositon 8, but at this moment, it doesn't look good.
Whatever the case, I hope the rifts that have plauged this country
through the election, and the harms that various communities have done
to eachother will heal, and that we can all learn to work together
again.

To my brothers and sisters in California, Florida, Arizona, and
Akansas, my thoguhts are with you. Keep the faith and keep up the
fight. You ARE not alone.