5:17pm

I really didn't get that much done today. This week either!

I have so many things in place that enable me to waste time.

I am already fearful of the weekend. Just thinking about doing things (and not sleeping) has me anxious. I guess I just have to deal with the fact that I will always feel uncomfortable like this. I also have to deal with the fact that I will repeat myself about this over and over and still never get it into words or on paper as it feels.

Actually my world seems to be staying the same .... and I don't like it!!

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4:30pm

It's been a surreal week. I have had my head so far down the Pet Food Recall toilet I can barely breathe.

Looks like it was rat poison that killed all those beautiful, loving pets.

Last night a newscaster likened this whole pet food recall, pet death situation to terrorism. Here we go about our normal lives and something innocent become something deadly. Something out of the norm. Our brains won't quite make the connection.

I buy my cats food from the pet store. It is highly nutritious for them. I know I am doing the best I can for them. I feed them their food. They begin to get sick. I keep feeding them because they are getting sick and I need to keep their strength up. Damn me if I don't even FORCE FEED THEM. They die anyway.

And then I find out there was RAT POISON in their food. The food I specifically bought for them. The food I nurtured them with.

How can I ever face myself again?

I am obsessed with this whole thing.

I have shipped my laptop off to be repaired so I won't be able to access anything this weekend (no stuffonmycat.com or icanhascheezburger.com. Not until I get back Monday -- or if I scam a little computer time off my neighbor, Mark). I am worried about this weekend.

I am getting together with Linda tomorrow at noon (where should we go? I had an idea and now I can't remember it). Going to Shelley (my boss)'s house warming party. Then Sunday am going to a movie with Alena. And a DA meeting Sunday night.

I don't feel like going to Al Anon tonight.

I just feel like going home and hiding under the covers -- which is exactly when I NEED to make sure I don't go home and hide under the covers.

icanhascheezburger is going to link to my blog! Hope it works.

I am worn out. Spinning all this energy and it going nowhere.

I have to try and do some writing with my last precious hour of work. I have NO IDEA what I am writing about when it comes to the banking industry. I just copy down the notes others have given me and hope that makes a complete piece for The PULSE (our quarterly e-newsletter).

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4:23pm

WTF is a common theme today (for my kitty pictures at least). This is what I imagine my cats would say to me if they could have spoke yesterday when I got home with shopping bags a-plenty!

When I typed my first entry for today I felt like I had so much to say ... that seems to have all dried up.

I do not have drive. And that disappoints me. Here I have all this (uncomfortable, pressing) energy and what do I do with it? Launch into eBay to see how my auction is going (I was trying to make someone's bid go up and I accidentally out bid them. Well, that is as high as I am going to go. $25. I can't believe I did that); visit stuffonmycat and icanhascheezburger and look at the pictures.

INSTEAD I should be working on my technical writing project. I'm thinking of calling Sarah and asking her how long something like this should take so I can set a deadline. That's the only way I'm going to get this done. I don't mean to be so lazy. I don't mean to like it easy.

I want to take this erratic energy and turn it into writing.

But right now I just want to type about nothing.

I hope they can fix my iBook. I hope they can't tell that I've punched it. They probably can.

I feel good and ADULT about getting it fixed. Wednesday is the first day of spring. It might rain tonight!!

Damn! Here I go back to eBay to see my stuff. This is crazy.

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12:36pm

Well, I got my bonus last week and it was a little less than what I would have liked (aren't they all??) but it sent me to Nordstrom on Thursday over my lunch hour.

I looked at earrings. Nothing.

I looked at watches. Nothing.

I looked at shoes. NOTHING!

What? Nordy's shootin' blanks??

(Well, I did get a $4 pair of cheapy earrings in the Brass Plum department)

Unfortunately for me, earlier that very same day Shelley introduced me to the Brighton of jewelry -- and forwarded a cute pair of earrings to me on eBay. I bought them, of course.

Then I bought a Brighton knocl-off watch for $27. Then I bought a REAL Brighton bracelet for $32 (won't it be sad if I see it in the store and it was much less? A fool and her money ...

I felt empty after making my purchases. I did not have them in hand. Now part of the fun of buying online is to get your goodies in the mail! But I didn't feel like waiting.

So Saturday I went shoe shopping at the Off Broadway Shoe Huge Warehouse on Sunset! I had set my limit of $200 from my bonus that I could spend on myself. The total for all the jewelry was $95.57, so I had a little over $100 I could spend.

4 pairs of shoes and $259.00 later, I noted on the bottom of my Off Broadway receipt that if I come back at a later date, I get 10% off the total that I purchased today. So I had a coupon for $25!

I came back the next day and got a pair of shoes (for free) that are the same exact shoe that I already have and love -- my black Baci's with sequins all over the top.

These but in black.

I was so sad that they were wearing out and I knew I would have to toss them shortly. I didn't even think to buy them when I saw them on the sale rack on Saturday! It wasn't until after I got home that it sunk in.

So, I got that pair of shoes for free!

Then Sunday I bought $30+ worth of a cute heeled sandal by Mudd. Brown. I don't have brown. Now I do.

And then I went to Shoe Pavillion and dropped $64.94 on:

which I call my Sexy 1940's Secretary.

Anyway, the total damage was $356.80 for seven pairs of shoes. And, coincidence of coincidences, I had seven pairs of shoes that were worn out or I just don't wear any more (three pairs of flats) that I needed to toss. Nature abhors a vaccum.

I agreed to spend at least $230 to get my laptop fixed. That is just to ship it to MCE Tech (recommended by the guy at the Apple Store on Friday), pay for the Optical Drive ($99) and the labor ($49) plus the shipping and the box ($50).

If I want them to try and save all the info on my HD it will cost me $60 an hour with a minimum of a half an hour.

It seems good. I guess I really should have called around. But it was important to me to get the reference from a tech at the Genius Bar.

The cats need a new Drinkwell fountain and that is about $60. So I have tossed a great amount of my bonus ($742.37) as soon as I got it.

DA says to take 1/3 and pay bills (past), take 1/3 and buy yourself some nice stuff (present) and put a third into savings (future). If we take the laptop as a bill (which it is) then .. well. I've still gone over even for the present.

I have been quick to anger of late (problems in two parking lots yesterday) and Wendy (OA) sponsor said it sounded like I am in a manic phase.

I still don't believe my Bi-Polar diagnosis (especially because they call it a "shared state" or a "mixed state" which is just an easy way to explain away why I don't have a lot of the Staying-Up-For-A-Week-With-No-Sleep trait. Nor do I have the gambling (though I do have shopping) or the "I'm Jesus!" characteristics) but the fact that I may have inched up on the mania makes sense. My shopping, my irratibility.

I guess both depression and mania are just below the surface and can pop out at any time. I don't know, but I do know I felt better when Wendy said this and understood why I felt so OUT OF CONTROL of my anger yesterday.

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