Hi everyone. Just want to wish all my friends a very Happy New year and all the best for 2009. I am going to try and be more involved here on 360, and want to thank everyone who have kept sending notes and posting comments even in my absence. It has been very difficult these past few months. Feelings of depression and just kind of blah. I am working to try and turn that around.

The new picture is a big step for me. It shows my natural hair. As I have struggled with wanting to be full time and live my life as a woman. I still have the same issues and constrictions. Not wanting to loose my family and most everything I have worked for, I felt stuck. In therapy, I have been working on letting Rene' be apart of my everyday life. I am not sure this is the answer and sometimes it feels impossible, but I am still working on it. But what ever the out come, the goal is to be honest, and live true to myself.

Letting my hair grow out into a more feminine style is part of my living more honest. It is how I have always loved my hair. I remember being 4 or 5 years old and wanting to be a girl, because they got to have long hair and wear dresses. I guess somethings never change. It is funny how people have reacted to it. Lots of women at work have had very positive comments, and have even sparked wonderful conversations. Conversations with women I have only said 'Hi' to before this. It has been like being let into the club...finally. I do get lots of flack from my family though. So far I am sticking to my guns.

Turning 50 last year was a huge mile stone for me, as it is for everyone I suppose. I am sure I was not alone in feeling like I had spent my life in a lie, and that time is running out. It is easy to get focused on the negative, but as I looked at my life I could not ignore the all the good in it. My wife and daughter for one, who have taught me what love truly is. As much as I have always wanted to be female, being my daughters dad has been the single most greatest joy. How can I take that lightly.

I don't know were my path will end, but I do know as I look toward 2009 that time is not really running out quite yet. After so many years of shame and hiding I am coming out to myself and being honest with who I am. I think for the first time in quite a while I am looking forward to the future.

I have missed everyone here, and hope I can do better and keep more in touch

This last week was the second time I have gone to therapy as Rene'. Marie, my therapist, has been so genuinely happy that I have been able to do that. She is so sweet and caring. It has been one thing to talk about myself as female, but to be sitting there in the flesh presenting my true self is another. It was a wonderful feeling. My friend Krisla came with me to therapy. She sat in the waiting room reading, as I cried my eyes out in the other room. It was a very emotional session. I have been really struggling with the deep need to be Rene', and the devastation in my life that that would cause.

After my hour was up, I dried my eyes, hugged Marie good bye, and rejoined Krisla in the waiting room. We then went to a charming little French Cafe in the San Fernado Valley for lunch. It was wonderful. Our waitress was so adorable with such a warm and kind smile. There were only a dozen or so other patrons there, all but one where women. We felt right at home, and took our time eating and enjoying a wonderful conversation. As we were getting ready to leave, our waitress said goodbye, and "you ladies have a wonderful afternoon". This was Krisla's fist lunch out, and she was so thrilled. I have been to this little cafe several time and love it there because of the wonderful treatment you get, and the food is very good.

As nice as that experience was, it was in direct contrast to the one I had just a few weeks before. After a therapy session I met another friend for lunch on the west side of L.A. This was not such a wonderful experience. I will not tell the name of the restaurant or nationality, but they were not so accepting of transgender lifestyle. Our waiter called us "Sir" as loud as he could so everyone could hear. there were a few patrons who were not happy about us being there, and glared at us throughout our entire meal. I have been going out and spending time as Rene' for many years, this was the first time I have ever felt uncomfortable, or scared. Living in Los Angeles you forget that people care about what you do. Made me think how I have been living in a bit of a bubble. This was real life. This is how people can be. Cold and unaccepted to strangers. I had never experienced that before. Opened up a whole new light for me, am I ready for this? To be honest, I am not so sure.