i've taken some time away from blogging to gather my thoughts. to take a good look around my surroundings. to take the time to listen to others. to look at others' pages to sneak a peek into personal lives.

you know what i found?

that there is an entire world out there! One that doesn't include me and my problems, fears or anxieties.

i wanted to take some time to get my affairs in order. i wanted to take some time to concentrate on my children and my mom. her health has been delining and I've had to figure out a way to deal with that. I needed some time to decide if i can really handle law school. i needed to know if i could really let go of the past. i needed to find out if a sociopathatic liar could really change, find love and a better person for it.

the results?

i got some of my affairs in order. i've spent some wonderful time with my children. planned time to spend with my mom. decided law school could wait a little longer. and i also found out that people can change, that we all can redeem ourselves if just given a chance. 'love will do that to you'. i set you free...

i've received some interesting news this week. i've found out that i will probably live a good long time. but it won't be easy. i will have to hit rock bottom before i am completely well. yet i'm Blessed because the odds are in my favor.

i've been so anxious, so afraid that i think i've burned a hole in my stomach lining. stress has been my emotion of choice lately. all it takes is a long wait on biopsy results to make a person re-evaluate a whole lot of shit.

over the past several weeks, the kids and i have been packing and deciding what to keep, throw away and donate to charity. i call it 'purging'. i've traveled the world. lived in west germany for several years, in fact my oldest daughter was born there! i've been to italy, france, austria. i was in europe when the berlin wall came tumbling down. from there i've spent time in texas, georgia, tennessee and finally kentucky. finally i came 'home' to charleston with many years and miles worth of 'stuff'. as the kids and i went through all of our belongings i would reminisce about how or when i got a particular object. there was always a story behind every object found. no wonder i haven't been able to purge a lot of stuff 'cause i started attaching emotions to these 'things'.

which brings me back to me waiting on biopsy results and re-evalating my life. i realized that i place far too much importance on 'stuff'.

stuff like:
clothes, shoes, pictures, beer steins, posters, chinese calendars, sculptures, self-pity, fear, anger, remorse, blame.... you get the point. i guess moving has become extremely carthartic for me. i'm learning to let go... say goodbye... walk away.

you see, i thought waiting on results would drive me crazy, but instead it helped to cleanse my soul. i don't mean to wax poetic but i really do feel clean! not only have i conquered my fear, i've conquered my pain, self-doubt and anger. for every bag of 'trash' thrown away i was able to 'throw away' something else i didn't need. every time i took a bag to Goodwill I released an emotion that has been hindering my growth.

this is the 10th move since 1986. and i must say the most cathartic, the most successful.

all of these revelations came BEFORE i received my biopsy results.

but...

the results ARE in and i have to face them. my life will never be the same again. but that's okay because i could use some change. i've already cut my hair so i can deal with that. i've been drawing on my eyebrows for two years now with mixed results. lol i've never been able to put on false eyelashes with any success, so i guess i better learn huh? hee hee

i'm in good spirits. my life is still moving along. the children and i are moving into a nice home, college tours and after school activities continue. the only concern is that i have to tell my medical team that we have to wait until mid march because i want my kids settled into their new home. i'm fortunate to have a wonderful and supportive team of family, friends, associates and co-workers. i will want for nothing. the children will always be taken care of.

but now

i just need to take care of myself. i must have FAITH that all will be well. i must PRAY that my strength won't wane under the pressures of treatment. i must ALLOW the love of my Creator, family & friends to sustain me.

so ONCE AGAIN i go on this uncertain journey. ONCE AGAIN i share with the world my innermost thoughts & fears. ONCE AGAIN i go on a diet!

but more importantly

ONCE AGAIN i SURVIVE!

thank you for traveling with me. i promise you, it will never be boring!